A Bleeding Heart

I want to just say how much I feel for ppl who can't express.

My heart shatters at the countless stories of being confined in here. I've been there, I struggled for decades to accept myself, I divorced a wife to get here so I am familiar with the price that is to be extracted.

I'm in my 50s with young children. I have told them, and I express feminine but only in clothes and mannerisms (no body mods when they are around).

I just wanted you to know that there are some of us who are in a "good place" that feel and occasionally weep (at least I do) for everyone who can't get there for whatever reason.

It's heartbreaking because we can all relate. We hear you, and we are reading your stories even if we don't reply.

I wish I could help more, I think we all do.

It is a tough world. People always have issues. I have been struggling in the past and currently. Mostly society norms drives us to struggle.

I really think younger people are more accepting. Being married and at my age (almost retired) and speaking with my wife about this side of me has been super tough on her. She asked me what I wanted for my birthday in about 2 weeks.
I asked if I could dress on a Saturday night for dinner at home. I hope she says yes. But I am 100 % with her if it is a no.

(PS) After my big blowout 2 months ago, I tossed every thing away. So, I might not be able to dress anyway, I have NOTHING to wear right now.
I have clothes on order at Macy's and she knows about it. She is beginning to understand that this is not something I can bury inside me and not let out.

So please do not cry for me, send me Macy's coupons.....

Life can be difficult for those of us who grew up in less tolerant times and households. I am glad that the younger generations are feeling less repressed and are more accepting of variations of all kinds.

There are always two sides to the coin. Choices are made all the time for both spouses. I have to put the heel on the other foot may times. Am I to force myself on a non accepting wife? Or reach a compromise?

I totally agree, Adeline! It took me over 15 years to work out where I fit in on the T scale and where I'm comfortable out dressed.:battingeyelashes:

And in most of that time I had the freedom to experiment on my own. I can't image how you'd EVER discover your T comfort zone living with a house fill of family that may be affected by your dressing!?:doh:

There is little doubt that my upbringing has affected how I relate or hide from the world as a cross dresser/trans individual. The same can be said of my partner, she was brought up in the same world as me, in the 1960s.

I can obviously see the freedoms that modern CD's are able to express. Yet I remain locked in my upbringing. The main reason for this is really very simple. I love and respect my wife more than any one else on this planet of ours, possibly even myself. So I remain trapped in a way. But don't feel sorry for folk like me. We choose to be where we our. I consider that I have a wonderful life. Dressing/being me is huge part of it. But there is more.

I have been crossdressing for years, it has always been one thing that makes me feel at ease for at least a while (although there is always a payback & regrets afterwards), and finally came out to my wife of 17 years a few months ago, she is not happy with it at all and I have for the most part given up crossdressing for her, I agree with Jane, my wife is the center of my life and if choosing between the two is what I have to do then I choose her. And I am trapped because of that. Part of me hopes for some easing of her attitude towards it, and she has said she is grudgingly ok with my early AM underdressing but I want to go further, oh so much further... The longing pulls at me so much, and my comfort zone with crossdressing is way way out of her's, I want to experiment, I want to dance, I want to be out as me. But I am so afraid that if I step back into the life will it pull me even harder to the point where I lose her.

Adelinapa, that is beautiful sensitivity you have there. In my opinion, a very feminine perspective that is not necessarily limited to females but certainly more common there than in males. I think this world would be a much better place if more people had what you have.

I wish i had not been born with this strong proclivity, but i sadly was. I could have had a far more peaceful life. Is still would like a wife,but at 66, and in a small town, and low income, and so much turmoil, in the nation now, and very very trying times ahead, nah. I do not dress very often now, and i wish i could stop, but it is almost always a desire to emulate a beautiful woman, that i could have been or married.

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Originally Posted by Brandi Christine

I have been crossdressing for years, it has always been one thing that makes me feel at ease for at least a while (although there is always a payback & regrets afterwards), and finally came out to my wife of 17 years a few months ago, she is not happy with it at all and I have for the most part given up crossdressing for her, I agree with Jane, my wife is the center of my life and if choosing between the two is what I have to do then I choose her. And I am trapped because of that. Part of me hopes for some easing of her attitude towards it, and she has said she is grudgingly ok with my early AM underdressing but I want to go further, oh so much further... The longing pulls at me so much, and my comfort zone with crossdressing is way way out of her's, I want to experiment, I want to dance, I want to be out as me. But I am so afraid that if I step back into the life will it pull me even harder to the point where I lose her.

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Brandi, Yes and yes. Time will help. I am also married to the person I love and she is the world to me. I think there might be a crack happening after me teller her my CD story about a year ago. Please give her time, things may get easier.

Natalie.

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Originally Posted by GretchenM

Adelinapa, that is beautiful sensitivity you have there. In my opinion, a very feminine perspective that is not necessarily limited to females but certainly more common there than in males. I think this world would be a much better place if more people had what you have.

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People make choices all the time. Many times those choices have unintended consequences. Should I have divorced my wife because she does not want to accept my desires to wear women's clothing on occasion. Yes, at times it was nerve racking. At times I did climb the walls waiting for the next "crumbs of time" to happen. What would have been the upside of a divorce for the sake of dressing? Hang my dresses in a closet rather than storing them in boxes? Line my heels up at the foot of the bed? Arrange my panties, bras and slips in a draw? The downside? Absentee father or part time father? Pay child support and separate maintenance? If spouses do not want to accept or compromise behavior then I guess divorce may be best. Life is full of choices and compromises. I don't know if the "world would be a much better place." Nobody lives in a vacuum.

Divorces are lonely places.

I find it interesting that many replies to this post talk about how our age and when we grew up affects us. I forget sometimes that I?m replying to people of all ages and many can?t relate to what it was like to come of age in the 60?s. We carry that world of the 50?s and 60?s around with us by default and those are difficult things to leave behind. I know that the combination of age and location combine to make it difficult to grasp what it must be like in large progressive cities. I believe that those who have only ever known life in large progressive cities must be exasperated by some of my comments and observations at times. It really must be like living in a different world.

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Originally Posted by Natalie5004

Divorces are lonely places.

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Yup. The absolute bottom was sleeping in my parent's basement on the trash bags that contained my personal belongings.
Fast forward 30 years, I'm happy, healthy, financially stable and living with the love of my life. My ex succumbed to lifestyle issues and sadly passed this year.
Among her belongings was a photograph of me when she fully transformed me for divorce pictures.
Life is full of turns. You just have to recognise the correct ones.

So much love and wonderfulness in everyone's response. Thank you for sharing your stories.

Yes, those of us who are all old and sh*t have a real fighting chance these days as we watch the next generation break down walls for us.

Divorce sucks yes, but what comes after is so much better than what comes before.

I have been through two divorces now, none related to my dressing because through all of those years I was fighting the "dressing demon" within me. Wanting desperately to do so but always constrained by sociatal needsand because of my job.
Life throws things at us and makes us what we are today.
Does my heart bleed? of course it does, because of all of us not so fortunate as I am now. I feel for those in DADT and Closet situations, life at times must be very difficult for them all.
But I do think as time marches on that acceptance levels are getting better.

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Originally Posted by Natalie5004

Divorces are lonely places.

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Sometimes divorces are liberating places.

Yes, I miss having my boys around 24/7 but other than that, I'm in a much better place, emotionally, mentally, physically, financially, but also realize that the type of abusive relationship I was in is not normal and not something most people experience.
Like others, I lost friends, or more truthfully, discovered that some people I thought were friends weren't, and found others, I went through tough times, sleeping on the floor on a blow up mattress with nothing but boxes and empty closets in my apartment, I had to deal with people not understanding why it happened and casting their judgement on my situation.
Fortunately, I had an excellent therapist that helped me realize the truth and find a place where I once again liked myself. When that happened, everything got easier because no matter where I was or who I was with, I liked at least one person there, and that was me.

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Originally Posted by Star01

We carry that world of the 50?s and 60?s around with us by default and those are difficult things to leave behind.

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Star, I grew up in New York City. My wife and I moved back to her home town. I still consider myself a New Yorker. I have tossed aside those old notions concerning cross dressing. It took a long time. In the 1950's and 1960's anything other than totally straight heterosexual was deemed to be deviant by society.

Now I am totally comfortable with myself. If I was not married circumstances would be a lot different. The issue is not with me. It is with my wife. She, also, is a product of the 1950's and 1960's. She has these notions of what a man must be. I am envious, not of the unattached cross dressers on this site, but of those who have an accepting wife. I wonder if a woman considers herself to be a failure if she hooks a husband who turns out to be a cross dresser.

I hear you sister. But for me, the most valuable service this forum provides is the stories illustrating that it's possible to make your way in the world as a crossdresser, and that it's easier than our pre-installed fears tell us. I love reading about those who took that leap of faith and found the world to be much more accepting than they thought, and now they are unstoppable. When I joined, I was deeply closeted and my wife was my harshest, most visceral opponent. With the help of this forum and some excellent fashion consultants, I developed the confidence to put my presentation together and patiently wait until my wife could see me clearly and calm her fears. Now, I am dressed almost all the time, except for work, and she frequently tells me she likes what I am wearing

In many ways, this is not a typical route to freedom, and not even recommended for most. And while some of you truly are in impossibly hostile situations they may never escape, for others there is hope, because it has worked for me. And I want to tell everyone here that the success stories you read are not exaggerations. It is possible to live your truth.

Seventeen years ago I had the talk with my wife. Didn?t go well. She asked if I wanted to go out in public, I said no. But that I would like to dress in front of her and she said no, and said she would have to evaluate our relationship. Nothing happened. She never even brought up the conversation the next day, or through the years. I would have loved her to say...hey honey, remember the day you told me you like to dress as a woman? Do you still want to? Do you do so? .. nada, nothing. I continued to dress in private and on business trips. Over the years she makes her comments from time to time which led me to believe that she is oh very aware of the conversation and my ?needs?. I never had the courage to re-approach her.. even as I am close to retirement and kids out of the house. It would be great to dress in front of her at least once a week. I resigned myself to the fact it will never happen. I am at peace doing what I do, and if she ever discovers my stash, then oh well. (Although I think she is aware of the leggings stashed in my sock drawer - as one of my kids needed to borrow socks once and I ran to get them. She was like... why are you running? What?s Hiding in your sock drawer?). There is zero chance she didn?t investigate that sock drawer herself to find out lol.

We all know we can never give up this part of ourselves, and as we grow older, the urge seems to grow stronger.

Beautiful thread Adelinapa ❤️

It is heartbreaking but it is also lovely to see the empathy and support for others in our community.

And Natalie:

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So please do not cry for me, send me Macy's coupons.....

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LOL

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Originally Posted by Felicia M

Beautiful thread Adelinapa ❤️

It is heartbreaking but it is also lovely to see the empathy and support for others in our community.

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I feel the urge to help everyone in a place where i was. I want to do more for my sisters, drawing upon the experiences I have been through and sometimes feel helpless. But it's not about me, it's about everyone else in the thread.

My heart just aches at the good i think i can do, if i could only connect.