Hi again my accomplices

Hello again,

As with the revolving door of my affliction, I say hi again. To reflect, to reach out, to contribute.

It?s been a few years since cross dressing has been on my mind. It?s amazing how it can go dormant for long periods. Now in my late 30?s, it?s never completely gone away. It?s never always been there either.

The reason I?m back is because I find myself at the top of a waterpark slide. I?m at the top. I just have to push myself off. I?m full of fear. I might have fun as I let myself go and succumb to gravity and find the joy in the rush of sliding down. But I have fear. What if something goes wrong. I?m high above the ground. When taking a risk, you can gain a lot or you can lose it all.

Analogies aside, here?s where I am at. It?s been nearly 10 years since my wife found my stash of photos of me dressed up. We almost lost our marriage. But she?s actually a bit alternative herself and she says that she is ok with me dressing. She even bought me some things to show her support. But I?ve kind of parked the issue since then. Whenever it?s been brought up, I toss the topic aside, saying that I haven?t thought about it, so it?s no longer relevant. I fear the uncomfortable, I run away as fast as possible. Confrontation is not my thing.

Two nights ago, my wife brought up our rocky sex life (infrequent). And reminded me that I never initiate sex and that I seem disinterested in her. I reassured her that I love her and I?m attracted to her and enjoy our sex when we do have it. All of that is true. I also mentioned that I think part of my avoidance of the cross dressing has stunted my sexual energy in the bedroom. I said that denying it may be holding me back from expressing myself and feeling sexual. While I love her and enjoy sex with her, it doesn?t ?do? it for me the way cross dressing does, or even thinking about it. I think the most difficult thing that I have come to accept is that for me, dressing up is largely sexual. That realization comes with a lot of conflict. What does that mean?? Will I no longer have an attraction for women? Does that mean that I?m just a pervert? Will my wife never truly be satisfied as long as I have this? Where do we go in the marriage with regards to our sex life? In contemporary culture you never see examples of a man and a women having a romantic time, and the man dons a sexy outfit, and his wife gives him a glamorous eyeshadow look. I know she?s open to trying to incorporate whatever turns me on in the bedroom. It?s just hard for me to picture. I?m anxious and shy generally speaking. This is WAY out of my comfort zone.

I?m at the top of that slide. Do I let myself go? Do I climb back down? Will I fall off the edge?

Much love to all. Maybe it?s too personal of a question. Anyone reading care to share some insight?

I really don't have any words of wisdom for you, except maybe you should really tell all of this to your wife since it also involves her.

I wish the best to the both of you.

Hi, Candice.

I notice that you seem to have some “all or nothing” thinking going on. Is there a way you could start small as far as introducing crossdressing or Candice into your sex life? Is there a smaller waterslide you could go down and work your way up to the one you’re trying to go down now?

Yes, there is the possibility for some awkwardness or conflict. There is also the possibility of greater pleasure for both of you. You have to decide which is more important.

It sounds like you have a somewhat accepting partner. Why not give her a chance? An open dialogue about what you both want in the bedroom may lead to some solutions.

I hope this is helpful.

I tend to agree with Char, I mean think of all the fun you and your wife could have exploring boundaries and tearing them down...:o

Candice,
Dressing can be sexual or may have been for many of us , the reasons why can be complex but like most sexual turnons they increase in need . The other issue with CDers is they want to share that increased interest with others , usually their wives . I tried with my wife but like most they don't want it in the bedroom . So the outcome is you appear to have lost interest with your wife not because you don't love her but because she's not part of your sexual need . I will add this does pass , you will get it out of your system , it depends if you can convince your wife it's not a substitute which is often what they fear .

Obviously if it remains a problem you may need counselling .

Hi Candice,
Your still young and have a lot of years ahead of you. It sounds like neither you or your wife are happy at the moment, it seems that both of you would appreciate change from the status quo. Your comfort zone is a place where you think you won't get hurt, but doesn't seem to be a place where you can be happy. I think it was our first or second date my wife and I had discussions about things we liked , things we had done, what we might explore. Crossdressing was not one of those things that was discussed, but was very easy to bring up later.

Unless yo take a chance to be happy, you never will be. Good Luck !

Candice, we could give you a millions advices. I will give you one suggestion. Share this post with your wife. Since she seems understanding and you are in your late thirties you are two adults that can surely talk without shame about your dreams and fantasies. Give her a chance to help you and show you her love.

Thanks all for the feedback. I have already shared this with her. The conversation sparked the discussion which I shared just now. I shared more then, than I ever have before. It is about all that I understand about my feelings anyways. I’m glad she’s up for it. I’m just scared that there’s going to be a wall somewhere. Maybe one that she doesn’t even realize yet. I guess the old saying goes: “ nothing ventured, nothing gained” seems apt in this case.

Being a scientist, I always get back to the “why” question. Why me? Why us? I think that’s never going to be answered. Doesn’t mean I won’t stop pondering �� I always feel like, if I know why I do this, maybe it’ll BE NORMAL. haha, I spend so much of my male life being and appearing normal. Maybe a bit of odd is ok too.

Candice,

Maybe we are the normal ones and everyone else is just different.

Or at least it's just normal for us.

Hi Candice. Maybe I'll throw my two cents in here. Let me present what my experience has been.

In my younger years cross dressing was a huge turn on sexually. Throughout our child rearing years underdressing and bedroom play was as far as it went, and dressing was always sexual. I remember a desire to just make it normal, for example dressing up for the day but not with a sexual connotation, just dressing in order to be girly as a goal in itself.

A few years ago I pushed this to the limit. Full dressing with makeup, wig, clothes, and out the door in public. Things changed. I found myself experiencing the dressing more as just expressing my feminine side. It wasn't sexual at all. I simply presented myself as a girl to the world without the big turn on. Hmmm... this was definitely different and unexpected.

I still get turned on by dressing, but also get turned on without dressing. At times the wife and I will hop into the sack with both of us wearing stockings and garter belts. Too much fun. There are also times when I go out in public as a girl, and what I'm wearing is much more utilitarian. I wear what I wear to present as girly, feminine and to look pretty. Not really as a turn on at all. I also still get turned on without the dressing as well. It's not a situation where I have to dress up to get turned on, but it sure helps. Alternately if I focus mostly on satisfying on my partner and turning them on I can get pretty excited with just that (but dressing is so much fun and such a turn on right?).

So now my dressing really has two modes, sexual turn on and to dress as a girl.

Something to be careful of is if/when you dress up with the wife, we sometimes get in a mode where we are so excited about dressing that it takes on a focus unto itself. We forget we are interacting with our significant other. They can feel like they aren't really needed and might as well not be there. It's like they are optional parts of the equation. This kind of behavior doesn't help anything and can be quite destructive. If you think about being an optional accessory, you can appreciate their perspective on the whole cross dressing scenario. It's important for us to not get so internally focused that we ignore our partners. Very important! Can't emphasize this enough.

Since I came out to my wife a little more than a year ago, I have been on a quest, chasing the "why" too, so I could explain it to my puzzled wife. I asked a lot of questions and shared a lot in these forums, and got a lot of feedback and help. But it turned out to be a wild goose chase. At first I thought I was missing something, because with enough efforts I could not imagine failing to identify the root cause of my dressing, like, if there is a bug in a computer program, I know I will find it and fix it eventually. Anything that has consequences also has causes and I was determined to find them and reveal them to my wife. But after months of questioning and introspection, I realized that anytime I tried to get an answer, I came back with more questions. And each time I tried to report my findings back to my wife the story was subtly changing. It's like the target itself was moving. I wondered if, being both the observer and the subject, I could be on a kind of Moebius loop, chasing my own shadow, subtly and constantly altering the physical quantities of the quantic particle I was trying to measure. I remembered meaningful things from a very tender age that could have been seminal in my dressing. In turn they gradually altered my understanding of the dressing and the closer I seemed to get to my philosophical stone the more I discovered the stone had changed in shape and position.
All along this quest, I kept thinking that I could as well try to figure out why I like sugar, astrophysics or making love, and would fail as miserably in these endeavors. At some point this feeling overcame the rest. I closed the book of questions and came back with this simple answer that a lot of members in these forums have also come to: I just like it and it makes me feel good. And my computer program hasn't got a bug. It was just done that way.

Hi Diane.

I think a lot of us have asked the question of "Why". Like you the final answer is we don't really know why.

The best answer I've come up with is we are hardwired differently than most guys. Somehow our brain chemistry is set up to give us a shot of something when the idea of dressing in girls clothes comes up. Like moths to a flame we can't help ourselves. These feelings and emotions bubble up from within and there is no real explanation of why. Is it in our genes? It's doesn't feel like learned behavior. I don't think any of us woke up one morning and had a logical thought like "I have a great idea, let's dress like a girl today". In my case the first time I had an inkling to put on girls clothes was when I was five. Even at that age I was attracted to being feminine. Where did that come from at that age? It's a bit like trying to explain why some people have different favorite colors. Color preference just bubbles up from the depths of your psyche. It's a feeling and isn't subject to rational or logical evaluation, it just is.

At this point in my life I've given up trying to explain the source of these desires. I've just accepted that they are part of who I am. Now I try to enjoy and have as much fun with this as I can. It doesn't bother me anymore that this is part of me. No more shame or guilt. Cross dressing for us just is a thing and that is OK. The world has bigger problems than me wanting to cross dress.

C2candice,

As a scientist you can explain why the sky is blue but not why we have a platypus.

Try not to fixate on the why or it can drive you crazy, just realize that while we are not within a standard deviation of the mean, or maybe even two, we are in fact on the curve of normal.

I have found a few articles over time that suggest between 8 and 15 percent of men crass dress to some extent. As of yet, there doesn't seem to be any definitive double blind scientific study into the matter, I just resolve it as it is normal for me, it doesn't physically harm anybody(unless you wear your heels too long), and it's really nobodies business but yours and your wife's.

Hang in there and rejoice that you and your wife are openly discussing where to go next and she is understanding.

I think we all have tried in vain to understand this part of us. Especially since we initially (at least I did) thought that each of us was the only one. My earliest understanding that I was different was in kindergarten, at 5 years old. I certainty didn't choose it, it chose me. I like Shelby's reference to where we are on the normal distribution. For years I felt that I was way off the end of the normal distribution curve, alone. Hey, you know one of the great things about conversations like this, and this forum in general? I realize that I'm closer to normal than I realize. Yeah, I'm still out on one of the tails of the curve, but not as far as I though that I was. And, if I think about it, you know what is really cool? I'm think that I'm closer to the middle of the female curve. And to be honest, I like it there, much better than I would like being in the middle of the male curve.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by sweetdreams

It's a bit like trying to explain why some people have different favorite colors.

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SweetDreams, absolutely.
In my long search, the closest (I think) I came to an actual explanation was this: I am curious and have imagination. I wrote comics and short stories since I was 5, imagining new worlds and characters, wondering what their thoughts were, how they would react in a given situation, what it would be to walk in their shoes (ding, this rang a bell). When I see something interesting I want a closer view. If I can't have a closer view then imagination kicks in. As a child I was fascinated by women (not girls) and their clothes (in the real world, but also their outfits in science fiction comic books). I wondered what it felt to be one. My first attempts at dressing were fueled with that. Today when I see a woman I can get curious and wonder what it would feel to be her. Mind you: not her per se, but a reconstruction of a feminine experience that is the synthesis of what attracts me in this femininity. So, I don't want to be a woman. I want to touch some selected bits of the experience as I understand it. It is rather superficial. What it's like to have this silhouette, what it's like to walk on heels, what it's like to be (as perceived by my male mind) beautiful like this. A vanilla guy will see something he likes. Me, I will also want to be, even for just a while, in the driver's seat.

I read and reread your thread. Then I went and read your introductory post of May 21, 2012. I think you're paralyzed by fear; fear of the not so unknown. Having your wife call you and telling you to NOT come home, end up in counseling, etc. That is difficult to purge (no bun intended) from one's mind. You're trying to play it safe and not get hurt again. What happens if your wife reacts negatively to your appearance? Back to zero after eight years? Rejection? From your descriptive post ("and, the man dons a sexy outfit, and his wife gives him a glamorous eye shadow look...") is that your starting point or the end game in bed?

When my wife and I were first married, and, the notion of cross dressing did not enter the picture, we did incorporate my wearing a nylon nightgown and then hosiery into sex play. I think my wife thought it was nothing more than a fetish with mutual benefits. I was ignorant of who or what I was. It wasn't until a decade later that my interests developed into more. My wife found a bra I had bought. We had "The Talk." We did go through some tough times. My wife told me NOT to buy her anymore nightgowns because she thought I envisioned myself wearing them. Not so, but that is what she thought. We settled into DADT. That is her comfort zone.

You? You have the opportunity to explore with your wife. Your thread reads you have gotten past the most trying time of a cross dresser; the reveal, the initial rejection, the counseling, her realization you're a good guy with a non-threatening kink. I hope your definition of romance is not limited to jumping into the sack. Men seem to be more of the cave man attitude. Drag a mate off to bed, jump her bones, and relax with a cigarette while she has not enjoyed any of this. Women, even after being married for a long time, like to be wooed again; the intimate dinner, the walk in the park, a walk in gently falling snow, holding hands. Initiating sex does not have to start with grabbing her by her hair and dragging her off to bed. And, totally ending with an organism. When my wife an I were without kids we'd spend hours in an afternoon or evening with foreplay, after play, etc.

You seem to know what your end game may be, but, you have no idea what your wife's end game is. I think you're polarized with fear of the past and possible rejection. You're never going to know what her comfort zone is unless you give her the opportunity to explore herself.

For me I have had some of the same issues but I was not married.

For me I have a therapist. She has helped me come to grip with some of this.

I do love women. But on the sex side I am more into foreplay and the mental connection ... even more than my last gf.

Good luck

Candice,
Like just about everyone here, I too wondered why I am l Iike this? Did something happen that I don't remember? I don't think anything happened. I am wired this way and am enjoying it. My wife is willing to participate, even in bed. I just need to keep it to a limited time not a daily thing with her.

I think you should take your wife's feelings into account and talk this through. Enjoy and love each other.

Miss Candice my signature block says it all. AS to your SO my two cents empower her to be involved i.e. shopping together if it financially feasible..Do her toe nails for her...Just enjoy..

Thanks Ladies. This all helps very much! :ohgoon: