A rapidly increasing comfort level

In my previous posts I remarked on my increasing confidence and ease with my female persona. Today I went out and did some returns for my and donated some clothes to a local charity. Now this in and of itself may not seem significant; but what was significant was the lack of any inhibitions on my part. In the past I would have attributed this to the pink fog. But it is definitely more than that. I am no longer hesitant to embrace my strong feminine orientation. On the contrary I?ve opened myself totally to Angela; recognizing she is as much a part of me as my male side.

More confidence = more comfort = more confidence = more comfort = more confidence and on and on. It is such a wonderful feeling to allow one's feminine side to blossom after being hidden or suppressed for so long. I have been going out in public now for 3 months and I am surprised but very pleased just how natural and utterly comfortable it all feels. I absolutely love presenting as Fiona.

Angela, Confidence is the key. I am much different than my first time slinking out the door.

Fiona and Jamie have it. You have achieved a level of confidence about yourself that allows you to move through society comfortably as the person that you are. You have crossed that threshold where confidence and belief in self overwhelms the previous trepidation that triggered a bit of a fear response. Congratulations!!!

But the big question is why has this happened? For that, one needs to look in the brain. In the most modern theory, you were born with and early on learned to appreciate traits and characteristics that are strong in females; a combination of genetics setting a skeletal baseline and experience putting meat on the bones. Your gender oriented neural networks had everything worked out and then you discover the society you live in is not pleased with males that are more female-like than expectation. Result conflict, dysphoria, fear, shame, etc. "Yikes! I am apparently an alien! Can't do that. But that is what seems to work best for me. Which way do I go?"

But the skeleton, although it has been highly modified by the meat and potatoes of experience is still effective and sets the baseline. In time you learn to trust the skeleton and realize that is you no matter what society thinks and you being to learn to live without a great deal of desire to comply with the "all males must be masculine" rule. That is increasingly uncomfortable, although still workable because you still have an abundance of male-like traits and characteristics and a lot of intermediate traits as well. But the abundance of female-like traits in you brings the most comfort and consistency in the overall smooth functioning of your brain within the totality of yourself. Those fit the genetic skeleton best. The rest is social fat and flab.

Now your brain has concluded that pathway must be the best all around because it brings the highest stability and calmness with a minimum of internal conflict. That generates a feeling of confidence which produces a behavior like you describe. Your brain is more "happy" now not to be constantly battling headwinds and strong turbulence. It now operates within a new set of principles that says "female-like first, male-like second." Your brain is still changing, but it is staying close to that basis. Your amygdala that created the "fear-of-social-standards" response that results in wild waves of dysphoria still senses that but now restrains the reaction of the two parts of your pre-frontal cortex that regulates the reaction to the amygdala have learned to distinguish between what needs to be feared and what doesn't matter anymore.

So that is close to what is going on in your brain. But all you really need to know is that your brain has decided to follow its more natural configuration than to strictly follow the restraints and constraints you learned about strict social standards. It is different, but it is OK and most of all the behavioral skeleton you were born with is comfortable and doing what it is supposed to do - support your Self.

Gretchen, When does that confidence and comfort go from just crossdressing to transitioning? The more I go outside, the more I start to wonder.