A Question of Balance

The last few years has seen me relaxing into my role as a woman more and more.
Still there are swings and questions. My biggest question for everyone is was there a point in your life when you absolutely knew your were TS?

Following up on that is How did you know?
Was all of it a gradual realization, or the Ah Ha moment?

I'm asking because I'm in such a state of confusion. Some days I wake up and want nothing more than to scream to the world that I'm a woman, let me live my life as one. Then there are the days when I question everything. Why do I do this? Why do I feel this way? What on God's earth am I doing to myself?
I know many will suggest counseling and I've got that in the back of my mind. I simply want to know if there was a tipping point for others, or ??? If I'm not being very clear it's because it's not clear to me exactly.

Thank you all....

Not sure exactly where you are at! Are you going out and doing daily chores(groceries, pharmacy, gas the car, etc)? (Social transition!) Get out there!
I enjoyed crossdressing but felt there was more to me! Got a transformation and a wig and there was Lana! Started toward HRT! Was warned I was going too fast! Waited 3 months and was out daily except at work! Came out at work! Started HRT! Went to counselor! Out every day as Lana! to the dump, to the stores, to pharmacy As you can see it was gradual but then again quick! HRT helped a lot with the decision, as did the transformation and counselor!
Social transition to be sure! See a gender counselor! from your avatar you don't need the transformation!
Best wishes going forward! PM me if you want!
Hugs Lana Mae

I'll try to answer some of your questions as Lana Mae did.

I'm not one of those that say "when I was 5 years old I knew". It was progression pushed by an inner necessity, a huge need, that finally was an uncontrolable urgency.

One day, answering a 100 questions for trans/crossdressers, my memory sparks and I saw early events in my childhood, then my teen years, early married years that confirm my late in life desicion. It wasn't just to dress, as I expose to my wife the first time I came out to her.
Of course I had the same questioning process as you have but they had a cause.
As Lana says, idk where you are in your transition but for me to get into HRT, a couple interruptions of it, was a huge proof if it that was more than a life style, an option, or a hobby.

I don't want to seed your mind with ideas but the experience of others here helped me a lot on making decisions.

One last episode of strong, kind of diabolic attack to my beliefs of being a transwoman happened the morning before GCS. You can read it on a thread titled "GCS date set" on this forum.

The last I can say, without trying to establish as a rule because is my own experience, I never feel complete, as whole woman, a real one (but I didn't know it) up to after the last surgery.
All the surgeries and treatments, orchiectomy, electrolysis for 3 and more years, long hair and breast augmentation, helped me towards my presentation as a woman, in my self confidence but the last one, even thought is not visible, was the more important.

They keep studying, trying to find the genetic reasons for trans people, but for now, like some mental illnesses (I don't want to say that we have one) the treatment HRT, transition, and its results in millions of trans persons are the proof of the reality we live.

Our brain is in constant search for balance, is part of our unconscious mind that controls may be 99% of who we are, but to get in transition and attempt huge changes of life is an attack for the habits and the balance, and the unconscious brain wants us stable in our routines so, they say you need just three weeks to establish a habit but years to break it.

I live near 60 years as a male, so the habits were strongly rooted there, in my subconscious mind, but the reality of who I am is stronger and had brought me a happiness that in those near 60 years I never experienced....

mho.

Just a few words on Devi's last line!
I was in my 60's when the change took place! It was gradual! Even after HRT, I caught myself having what I call transphobic thoughts! What are you doing? You are a man! You are not a woman! Etc! This has finally stopped for the most part! I am just me-Lana Mae!!
Hugs Lana Mae

It was a long gradual process ending in an aha moment.

Whenever someone asked on a site like this or in an "Are You Trans" quiz if you could snap your fingers and become a woman would you do it, my answer would always be yes, even though I'd hedge it often with 'can I switch back?'

As the years went by I was contemplating coming out to some folks as a crossdresser but then covid and a couple apps giving me an idea of what I could be led to a 'sudden' realization that I needed to transition, no debate at all really, which was a bit odd considering how long the idea was beaten down internally.

I've never really had any wavering about the decision, I'm lucky that early on my body and mind seemed to send the message that this is what they've been waiting for the whole time.

It was a gradual realization punctuated with many ah-ha moments along the way.

The first big change for me in having to understand I am TS was when I had a panic attack in a doctor's office. I had worked my way into having this doctor give me finasteride for a non-existent prostate problem I insisted was an issue. But he was going to stop the prescription and I almost immediately started crying because I had yet to "suffer" any side effects. The hoped for side effect being breast growth, which almost never happens. This event caused me to start seeing a therapist and I changed my hormones. I didn't change my hormones because I knew for a fact that I had to transition though, I just knew that I had to at least try it.

It was this same sort of thing that continued happening over the next few years. Most of it was me having to really look at my life and accept who I am, and who I have always been, even though I have not always been consciously aware of it. I wish I would have been able to just relax about who I am a long time ago, maybe then I could have actually seen things correctly. Anywho, I am about 3 months out from my GCS and I find myself shaking my head at just how much better I feel now. It's more than just happiness, it's a fullness, a richness, a contented relaxation, an alignment of who I am. I just feel so good now it's weird, but such a good weird.

I find that many people want undeniable proof before they take leaps of faith. I wanted that every single step along the way. I don't know that it exists, maybe for some, but not for me, and not for many that I know. I had to take many leaps of faith along the way, but I had good people around me that helped me make good, well informed decisions. So they were educated leaps of faith, but really they were still leaps of faith. Faith in myself, my team, and most likely realistic outcomes.

Good luck!

I have always dressed. I began wearing my mother tights when I was 111 or 12. Tights back then would be called leggings today. I began dressing totally after splitting from my first wife. No. Dressing was not the cause of the split. Over the next several years I began dressing more and more. After my first makeover I was hooked. I knew that I looked good dressed so I began improving my makeup skills and going out. Fast forward to now. At 68 I came to grips with the fact that I was transgender. Since then I have been cautiously going out wearing leggings, nails, etc. in guy mode. I dress about once a week. I won't transition due to age and family concerns. But at this point in my life I am satisfied with who I am and how I present.

Firstly thank you to everyone for their responses. I do greatly appreciate the insight you ladies have to offer and the willingness to do so.

Where am I? Well, yes, I go out frequently doing mundane chores that anyone has to do. I've done so for a number of years now, but everything has accelerated since 2020 and the Covid restrictions. That left me with much more time to dress and find how comfortable I am being a woman. It also reinforced the feelings that I have had since I was a child that this is the path I should be on. The difficult part is making the decision to actually take that big step. I know counseling is something that I should be doing. Just so you know, I'm in my 70's. The biggest issue for me at this time is medical. There are conditions and medications that I fear will prohibit or disqualify me from ever taking hormones. Were I to pursue that parth and be declined I fear it would be devastating to me.

I've taken the quiz or two and they always come back on the female side. I think had I been born 20 or 30 years ago instead of much more and having all the resources available to us now I would have transitioned already. My mind says yes, but the reality of life complicates the decision so deeply. As much as I would prefer the decision to be solely about me, it's not. I've never been one to focus strictly on my wants and needs and I can't break that now, as much as I may wish to.

I've always dressed also. I began at about age 5. I had my first "outfit" that was mine all mine at about 14 and I must admit I looked horrible, but I felt incredible. I've always dressed. I've done the purges and they never worked. There was never an awkwardness about women's clothing, never a "this is wrong" feeling. I simply never had the conviction to move forward. Maybe that came from the times in which I grew up, maybe it's just me.

Nadine, you may be right. Maybe I'm one of those that finds it so difficult to take a leap of faith and believe that this is the answer I've been seeking. I've always been pragmatic and maybe that's holding me back. I do feel I am transgender. I just don't know if that's enough or if I need more.
As Angela said, there are family concerns. I don't know how to resolve those. I don't know if I'm being selfish wanting more for myself or ??? Perhaps a counselor would be able to help in that regard.

Right now I just know that there are times when I look down and hate what I see and long for what I don't see. It's like looking in a fun house mirror that's not fun anymore.

Thank you again for your responses.

Cheryl,
thanks for the more detailed description of your situation.

I understand the fears of the ifs or what could happen but believe me, having navigate through all them, they never happened.

The other thing that catch my attention is that attitude that you don't have the right of be you foe feeling selfish and being a kind-of satellite around other's needs.

In my journey I learned something really deep. It could be disputable but you can't live for others because is your life not their. You can't love other if you don't love yourself first. I was part of religious organizations (I don't want to enter en details that are no discussion allow here) that tell you self live is selfishness and loving other first is the genuine love but is not true. I didn't expect real happiness up to when I could realize all my transition and then, just then could really love others because I know who I am, I not longer have fears, I'm really happy and I'm in peace.
How can.we live a life struggling with ourselves and live other's? that's just a task for monks and I'm not one...

Devi, I know I have the right to live my life and be who I wish to be. The hard part is trying to find a balance between that and the commitments I've made. I don't take such things lightly and that is a big part of my issue.
Were I alone this wouldn't be a discussion. I wouldn't be concerned with the feelings of others and I would just move on to the next stage.
The other issue is medical. There are underlying conditions that would most likely preclude me from taking hormones. Surgeries at this stage might be quite risky as well for the same reason. Since therapy is required for hormones that delay may even complicate things. I'm just afraid that after making the decision to proceed and alienating others that I would find I would not be a candidate for either hormones or surgery because of these issues and that it would all be for naught. All this is driving me crazy.
It seems I must take that first step to find out if I can walk the path. I need to find a therapist.

Thank you all for your input.

I'm not transsexual as I know I'm male with male attributes and an SOP from the POV of male.
But, my original curiosity with exploring behind the secret door certainly mirror the life path of many here.
My wife and I are comfortably old and don't need to prove anything. We're truly connected, heart and soul. I have fine tuned the DADT to be 100% husband and there's little commentary from her although she's aware that the man cave with the locked closet is truly dual purpose. Never discussed but the necessity is accepted.
With that, I cringe when I hear of hubby off in a selfish pink fog or pursuing full transition at the first mention of understanding.
In my CD life there's always been a desire for the next exciting needful thing. I have a whole collection of things that now tend to bring up the
WTF was I thinking response. But, it is what it is. I've donated some nice things over the years that were extreme objects of desire at the time.
I've also not applied permanent solutions to temporary desires. You know, tats, piercings, boobies.
But, as stated in the first sentence, I'm not transsexual. If you are of that extremely small minority, you've known it for a long time.

I haven't done any HRT and don't plan any surgery.

I've gotten very good at socializing as a woman. I'm sure it helps to have a small petite body.
I've learned feminine mannerisms and have had voice training to properly modulate my voice.

I haven't had any counseling. I've never seen the need in my case as I've always known I was different.

Marion

Cheryl,

Like you I am in my 70's and being transgender has been a life-long condition I've tried to balance with the overwhelming other parts of life. My choices always seemed to have a short horizon as the limitations from work and family required me to remain the man they always knew. Balance was the guiding principle in my life for many years. It turned out that I was trading my happiness for everyone else's and that wore thinner and thinner as time passed. The kids grew up and moved out, my career ended and my wife battled cancer for several years before she died at home surrounded by loved ones.

But that left me alone with nothing keeping me from dressing as much as I felt I needed. It turned out I needed a lot, my dysphoria was deeper and more connected to my self-perception than I had understood. Through my life I had several slow builds to the point that I understood something new about my gender identity. They may have seemed like aha moments, but they were the product of a slow growing awareness that resulted in acceptance. I think your suggestion that you should see a therapist is a very good idea. It helped me untangle all the threads that made it seem as though my gender was at the center of all my problems, only to discover they were the problems and could be handled one by one, leaving my core identity safe and untouched. Once they were addressed, the only question left was what I was going to do to resolve my gender identity question. It took a while but, like you during the Covid lockdown I discovered there was nothing left for me as a male and the only path forward that was based in self-care was transition.

Just over 4 years ago I made the choice to try hormones with the idea that if it didn't feel right I could stop. I didn't stop and within that first year started to come out to family and my closest friends. In October it will be two years since I got my legal name and gender change and came out to the rest of the world. I understand there are valid reasons to avoid a medical transition, but it's always worth discussing it with your Primary Care Provider or a gender specialist. But first spend some time with a therapist to sort out your concerns that aren't medical, but involve relationships or your self-image.

I wish you well.
Sarah