I Should Have Known Better....

Hi Ladies,

This has been on my mind for the past 6 months and has really bothered me. I'm just venting here so please bear with me.

I've been itching to have my ears pierced for a few years now but never got up the nerve to talk to my wife about it. She knows about Robin and tolerates her. This past April my wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I finally got up the nerve to tell her I wanted to have my ears pierced. She said to go for it. Then she said she has been expecting it for a while and she was surprised I haven't already had them pierced. Needless to say, I was all excited. Then the "expecting" part of her comment got me thinking and I asked her what else has she been "expecting" me to do. I was expecting an answer which would let me feel more comfortable dressing more feminine around her or at least show a bit more acceptance. Instead, I got. well as with most things you do, you seem to always want to push the envelope a little more and keep trying to take things up a notch. What I'd like to know is how far do you intend to take this crossdressing thing and where/what is this going to lead to? If you're planning to transition, then I'm out. Geeze Louise, Sorry I asked. Long story short, I decided to cool it and not have my ears pierced.

Thanks for reading,
Robin

Robin, I keep it 100% DADT and she never interferes. When I retired, I floated the curiosity of getting my ears pierced.
She said no. So, it ain't happening. I really do like that line in the sand. Real respect.

Hi Robin, Well that is not at all unusual, things with me are definitely a mixed bag. Maybe more communication is needed if it is possible. My wife does not like to talk about this side of me so mine is a true DADT plus throw in NIMBY.
Good luck but your pierced ears may still be possible.
I will see you for coffee in the morning.

Robin,
That made me so sad .
I wish you would get them pierced since she was ok with it.

About your wife , I would guess she still is feeling like the other shoe will drop.
I wish she would join here and talk to FAB for support
Would it help to talk to a counselor? ( both of you ) So she might understand and you can communicate where you truly hear each other. I think she is afraid of losing you.

I hope you might still get it done since you really wanted them pierced and she was on board.
Do what you feel is best for you.
Sorry
Di

Sorry to hear of your situation Robin. I am not not about to give you advice since I am only accountable to myself & have no one else to consider.
For me, this falls under the category of.. Sometimes you have to measure what you might gain.. by what you might lose.
Hopefully, a little time & as Crissy has said, more communication may allow it to still happen.

Emily

Hi Robin :hugs:, Wait a Month or so and Just tell her that you want to get your ears Pierced,

Don't do like Me and wait 72 Years to get my ears Pierced, >Orchid**O:daydreaming:O**

Wife: I heard u dumped that floozy u were seeing on the side?:straightface:

Hubby: No, I never---(sigh)! I mean, yes, sure----(sigh)!:doh:

Sorry, Robin,

I believe this falls under the category of the "drip drip drip" method of trying to get your wife on board, and pretty soon she feels she is drowning. Since she thinks that you are pushing/trying to take it up a notch, your thought to back off is probably the right choice for you at this time. Maybe a new talk is in order in the near future. She is obviously concerned and needs some information and reassurance.

I don't know what your habit of dressing is: Secret? At home only? Does she see you CDed? Do you go out CDed? Some wives feel that pierced ears are a constant and permanent reminder that their man is a CDer. If she isn't on board, then you may find roadblocks at anything you want to do that she doesn't already know that you are doing.

One question to ask yourself because she may wonder: Do you intend to wear earrings while in man mode? (studs or whatever?) or is it just to wear earrings while CD'ed?

Maybe think on your own how you want to proceed with any future talks and/or negotiations.

My drip drip drip over 20 years has now reached a limit, a good limit, I can dress at home all the time if I want, I can go out about once or twice a month dressed out of town and stay out overnight, I can leave the house dressed to travel out of town. Donts are :- go out local dressed, cant grow my hair, and what brought me to write this, I must not have my ears pierced, even though I did have them pierced when I was young long before I met my wife and there are two hole marks there anyway but now healed. But Im happy with my limit so wont try to push it any further. I use the earing adapters that screw on so you can adjust the pressure, the spring clip earings hurt after a while, but the adapters you can hang normal earings in anyway. Oh and I have my own room the back bedroom with wardrobes etc and all girlified, and yes I want my ears pierced and grow my hair, but I reached my wifes limit and I will respect that.

Robin,

My question is, do you know where you want to that it to? I'm 99% certain that I'll never seek to go full time even if I was in less of a DADT situation. I know I'd like greater freedom to dress but as it stands I don't do too badly so I'm careful to not rock the boat so to speak.

Perhaps, if you know what your limits would be, it would be a good idea to lay them out. Let your SO know that you have, if indeed you do, your own limits beyond which you're not looking to travel. This may calm any fears she may have.

I have two thoughts on this.
1. Pierced ears have nothing to do with crossdressing or transitioning. Both my ears are double pierced and have been since way before I owned a bra or a skirt. I wear 4 tribal earrings at all times, and between work and hobbies I spend a considerable amount of time among some very conservative groups without ever getting a single comment, because there's simply nothing girly about my ears. I would suggest if you ever go for it go to a tattoo shop and get it done like a man, with a manly ring (like a captive ball hoop or something?) instead of going to the mall and getting a stud with a pretty jewel in it, you know, like a girl would. After they heal you can change them out to whatever pretty dangly thing you want whenever you dress or feel the urge
2. Answer her question. How far DO you want your CDing to go?

Wise choose on your part to cool it!

Robin, I'm sorry this happened to you. I always worry I push my wife to far as well.

Of course it is your decision because you know how your wife thinks. And the idea of taking it much further is probably a concern or real fear she has. It is important to address that so a conversation with her to inform her of your thinking about the future would be good. Perhaps doing that in a moderated environment as with a counselor would be good.

As for piercing your ears, lots of masculine men these days have pierced ears. It is a marginal gender thing anymore. Just a style now in most people. She is OK with that and as Di suggested, just do it but Char also makes some excellent points about not doing it. The main point is that you need to reassure her that, if this is the case, you will not be pushing the envelope. There is nothing wrong with a husband being sensitive and a bit on the feminine side and studies have shown that wives often like their husband to be a bit like her in some ways. But there are also limits to that. Perhaps what she is afraid of is having something forced on her by a husband who becomes a strongly dominant male that expects her to comply with what he wants and with his decisions. NEVER, EVER GO THERE!! Besides it clashes with the feminine which is considerate but not necessarily compliant with the man's wishes. Keep it equal, open, and considerate of the other person's feelings.

Sorry to hear the excitement of getting your ears pierced is gone Robin, its so sad that wearing womens clothing can bring us so much joy/excitement one day and pain/anxiety the next day.

Sorry how that turned out. Sounds vaguely familiar

My wife continues from time to time to ask me if I want to transition even though I tell her every time no - and I mean it. Guess that worry will never go away for some.
I wasn?t aware of the adapters Debs mentions - going to look into that as the spring clips are painful to me.
Good luck Robin - sounds like a lot of thoughtful good advice above as usual.

Robin, sorry to hear that your wife is worried about where you want to go with Cding. I don't know how long you've been married but I would think by now she should be able to trust you when you say no about transitioning. Hopefully you'll be able to have more conversations and make her fears go away.

She is probably right, but in all reality it is human nature to want more. When I told my wife about it her biggest concern was if I would be happy in the closet. I told her no problem but she reminds me that I have crossed that line many times and she always wondering when the day will come when I walk out the door dressed. We can't help it we want to put it in high gear but we have to be careful not to blow the engine.

Hi Robin, sorry for the set back. I hope she can get over this obstacle and take you for your word. You know your situation better than the rest of us so play it by ear and hopefully she'll come around. I still love wearing a pair of long dangling earrings and feeling the little tug on my ears and brush against my neck. I pierced mine almost 40 years ago way before I met my current wife. 3 in the left and 2 in the right, rarely wear more than 1 pair but check to see if the other holes are still open every once in awhile and they are still open.

Go to a piercing shop. Don't use the gun. You'll get a cleaner better healing result.

I'm in a similar situation to Debs. My wife is supportive and accepting within our agreed boundaries, and two of them are not to grow my hair out, and not to have my ears pierced. And to me its a matter of respect. If I want her acceptance and respect when I,m dressed, then I have to respect her limits.

Thank you ladies for all your comments and support.

My wife is doesn't care that I keep my legs smooth, wear my hair long, have longish nails and occasionally wear polish, or even get my ears pierced. She says she has seen it all at work and isn't bothered by it. She does get it. Anyway, she is just worried where all this might lead to. I told her at this stage of my life I have no desire to transition. I'm just having fun exploring my feminine side.

Thank you all again

You do not have to get your ears pierced. There are all kinds of clip-on earrings out there. I have a pair of dangle earrings and several different size hoop style earrings. They all look like I have pierced ears even though I do not, especially the hoops. My loving wife is the one that found them and bought them for me. This is an alternative for you if your wife is opposed to the piercing part of wearing earrings.