I was asked a question.

I was asked this today from a female friend who is a medical doctor and a trained counsellor.

?When you were thinking about starting your transition journey, what research did you do and did you know about the problems that you might encounter??

I did try to read as much as I could find on the internet. A great deal of what I read was papers written by doctors for doctors.
Many of those transsexuals who have gone down this road and have posted on YouTube will tell you mostly about surgical procedures and how it has affected them. The good and the bad. Rarely do you hear about the emotional pitfalls.
I was pretty much ok on this level and felt I knew enough. What I didn?t know was the right questions to ask. How can you ? It is only later that things come up and by then it is too late. I trusted that I had found a good hospital and surgeon. I don?t have any complaints on that score.

As to my initial surgeries, much of which changed my appearance,
I did realize that telling friends could mean the chance of alienating them as I was now presenting all the time as Philippa.
I was expecting that and was pleasantly surprised that most stuck with me. Until they didn?t.
I was well prepared when it did happen and I was sad but got past it.
Fortunately for me my sisters and other extended family still supported me.
I had at that time and still have a great psychologist and she has been my saviour on many occasions.

One of the things I have never seen talked about until recently is the need to make a new circle of friends. At first I tried to join LGBTQ groups thinking they would best understand me. There is quite a lot of bitchiness within some of these groups and they were not to my liking.
No need to expand on that.
I get on best with straight people.

Mostly I have found that I don?t know where I now fit in.
Lee Francis (Trans girl on YouTube) was talking about this the other day where she hit the nail on the head for me at least. She is looking for a male partner where I am not. I am heterosexual and prefer the company of women (GG?s).
Here is where the problem for me arises and maybe others. Heterosexual women are generally not interested in a relationship with a transwoman.
Therefore I think maybe I should be attracted to a lesbian but there is another problem. They may not be looking at a trans woman as a partner either as they are attracted to GG?s
I have many new people (GG?s) in my life who all accept me as I am.
Most do not know I am trans, they just think I am a woman with a slightly deep voice.

So, knowing what I know now would I still transition?
Absolutely. I am very much at peace with myself.
My only advice would be that you need to be prepared to be lonely.

Please note that this is what I feel and not necessarily fact in some areas.

Your quandary reminds me of a phrase I heard many years ago regarding transwomen.
Too much man for the straights and too much woman for the gays.

Thank you for your thoughts and insight. They are appreciated,

That must be one of the best dissertations I have read on the hidden pitfalls of transition and ending up being a bit too unique for most people which results in loneliness. You seem to have an amazing understanding of the subject and the operations of these emotional aspects. I find it quite amazing how little is known or understood about the emotional twists and turns when we start changing things around simply because, in this person, the basic assemblages do not work very well. The sad part is that while the medical field is paying attention to the medical aspects, as they should, the emotional aspects get pushed aside as if the proper response is "Deal with it. You have any questions about important things?"

But in the case of transitioning to maintain your personal sanity because your identity doesn't align with what is commonly seen as normal, it can result in a profound loneliness as if you are an alien that was dropped off on Earth and forgotten by the Mothership. Not much seems to fit well in spite of the fact that you are much happier in your new skin.

Once again turn to the recent movie ?Will and Harper? that makes a pretty good effort to reveal the real life challenges Harper and the transgender of all kinds must deal with as well as the loneliness they often experience. Harper lives in a big house outside New York City and is reasonably happy there. But the story later reveals that she really wants a companion, a roomate at the least, or a lover preferably. But the fact that Harper is a transwoman isolates her and she has no easy solution.

As you say, Philipa, possible candidates are not especially interested in a long term relationship with a transwoman. It is a very sad situation for Harper and for you and so many others that makes life even more difficult. Of course, in these current times being trans-anything is a liability. I am light years from being the beautiful woman you are, and I feel the pain of people being friendly toward me in my ambiguous gender presentation but only at arm's length. My very closest friends are all more or less like me and some of them are on this forum where we met. But I do feel a sense of rejection from many cisgender people - they are polite but that is about where it ends. When one starts talking about feelings a frigid north wind seems to start blowing.

It is good that you have a great psychologist and I am sure that helps some. My suggestion is to keep putting out feelers because there are a lot of people in this world and they are all different. Consider them on their own merits and ignore the classifications and categories - those are all synthetic creations that are valid only in a general way. You are far more likely than not to meet someone who feels the same way about you that you do about them. That forms a foundation for a long term relationship. Those relationships do exist and many are very happy loves where they share their lives with great joy. You are a beautiful woman and you are also obviously smart and capable - your post proves that. Keep looking but don?t forget to take care of your individual, personal satisfaction with who you are now. Smile when you look in the mirror. You are magical and very special. Never look down on yourself with disappointment. You have achieved a wonderful goal and someone will see the true you in all your glory.

Philipa , for you or anyone that needs it , I DO know if groups that deal with everything you are talking about . If you or anyone that needs it needs to know then PM me and Ill tell you .. Groups from surgeries gone wrong from major to minor , Isolation , all sorts of problems with this . Be forewarned though, most of those folks do live in reality ( some here , I'm not so sure) and are not so naive about transition , sex , what its really going to be like after and the hard parts are faced head on. These groups are not a garden party that's for sure, but you will find many like minded people .

Cheryl.
You hit the right quote with your comment. So true.
Brenda. Thank you.
Gretchen.
I am so grateful for all that you have said. It is as always well thought out and caring.
Philippa

Philipa,

I hope you don't mind me commenting on your post here. I am not in transition, or have any immediate plans to transition. But I found your post interesting. I have certainly seriously considered this type of journey and done extensive research into both the physical and emotional impacts and possibilities of such a journey. Yes, your experience is a very sobering reality that anyone going down this path needs to consider. It becomes more pronounced with our age group than our children and grandchildren. I am well connected to the trans community locally within my cohort, and through my own children as well. The statistical likelihood of finding a romantic partner as a trans woman is a challenge.

One thing that concerned me about you post is that you describe your self as Hetero. And you mention that many lesbians are not interested in trans women. Both of these statements tend to suggest that lesbians tend to not view trans women as women, which is their prerogative. I am more concerned about your own self image though. Do you see your self as a woman, a trans woman, or something else? I would think that you self image is crucial to how you inherently present yourself to others.
If you are hoping for a relationship with a lesbian, if you don't fully believe you are a woman, is that going to project to others?

I think this is a huge challenge that we face as we have decades of self image reinforced upon us. There is so much debate on what is "real" it makes my head swim. If I were ever to make the daring choice to fully transition, I would hope that I could finally accept my self in whole as a woman, and fully identify my sexuality in those terms, whatever that would mean.

For what it's worth, from what little I know about you, I view you as a Woman.

I've met a few transwomen who found love with another transwoman. My inside joke was that you've made a lot of changes to yourself to meet the right girl.

Philipa I'm only 4 months into transitioning I have lost friends. and feel alone. I lost my wife in Feb. At 77 I don't plan on being with anyone again but it would be nice to go out once in a while with someone.As long as I don't tell people that I'm trans they seem to be ok with me

As this thread has not been closed thought I might add something now that time has passed.
Who amongst us comes back to old posts they have penned? Sure while they are current we will.
I am guilty of not visiting this part of the forum very often and I should have answered one of the replies I received.

That was from Megan.

I may not at the time have had a reason for what I will now reveal.
The question is do I think of myself as a woman? And the best response is no.
I look, dress and act like a woman but biologically I will always be a man.
I have altered my body to align with the gender I feel I should have been but I cannot alter nature.
I think there has been so much animosity towards transwomen that I always tell people that I am transsexual. I would prefer that to perhaps offending a GG by saying I am a woman.
I am accepted by so many of the women that I mix with and have been referred to as one of the girls.
I have been included in many discussions that would not be heard by any male company.

I think I have stated somewhere that 'I don't know where I fit in' and that still hold true.
The last person who I thought saw me as a person before anything else turned out rather badly.
Women really connect with me as a person and friend but that is as far as it goes. Unless one of those women steps outside their usual boundaries and decides to experiment then I am destined to be on my own. I am on a few lesbian dating sites and I do get a number of likes. So many of these are a scam.
I just need to adjust to not finding someone to be really close to again.
The reality of being transsexual.