Can't figure her out.

My wife is very supportive of my dressing and seams sincere, but of course she has her boundaries. I find something very strange about my wife and I find it hard to explain. I wrote about it a while ago how when I'm dressed she acts different. If she is laying on the couch and I go hug her she will cross her arms in front of her not wanting to touch me. I used to sit next to her and watch TV and she would rub my legs of have her arm around me and lately she keeps her arm tucked in and if she should touch my leg or breast by accident she would jump like she's touching fire. When I come out of my room dressed it's almost like she goes out of her way not to look at me, but then will make a comment that I have a run in my pantyhose or my bra strap is twisted. So last night as I was doing some stuff in the kitchen I noticed in the reflection of the stainless steel of the dishwasher she was checking me out, and then again in the reflection of the glass I seen her looking me up and down. Then I did a fast turnaround and she turned her head fast so I wouldn't notice her looking at me. She is looking but doesn't want me to know, almost like not wanting to give me the satisfaction of encourage me in anyway. I mentioned it to her before about the not being affectionate or trying to avoid looking at me while dressed but she just brushed it off as its my imagination and I didn't want to dwell on it. I could only speculate that she doesn't want to encourage me of maybe she sees me as a women when I'm dressed and doesn't want to send the wrong message like she likes women. I don't know like I said I'm just speculating and I'm no expert in this field. I'm just looking for some feed back from the GGs here or anyone else who's wife acts the same when there dressed. I don't mind what she does and she doesn't tell me not to dress up but if she for whatever reason feels uncomfortable with me dressed I believe she should be honest.
We have a good relationship and very open communication, I guess maybe it is my imagination.

It's not your imagination. Your CDing is an oddity to her vision of a male/female relationship. You've pushed the issue into what feels like total acceptance but in reality, it isn't.
It's just what you want it to be. How about a two week hiatus with full DADT and IDWTSI with no conversation about it. You might be surprised.

You could try talking to her about your observations rather than speculating. We can only guess. Maybe she approves or disapproves of something that you are wearing. From what you say, she is your biggest advocate when it comes to CDing, so a conversation about it would easily clear the air for you.

My experience is that I don't care for the feeling of breast forms rubbing against me as in "hugging". Maybe she doesn't like it either. Also, I would never see my husband "as a woman" but as a man dressed as a woman. Don't feel offended if she doesn't see you "as a woman". There is usually a reality check when it comes to wives.

Do you check her out in reflective surfaces too? Many wives prefer "the look of men" - they like conversations with women but aren't "attracted" to women.

Wow! Char a lot to take in there and you make a lot of sense and making me see things in a different light. Thanks we are blessed to have you with us.

Maria, my wife is plenty affectionate, but if I am fully dressed, not so much as a peck on the cheek. I know she sees me differently dressed. I accept that like she accepts me.

I will echo what Char said, Talk to her.
That would be the only true way to find out what she is thinking.
It may or may not be what you want to hear. But it will be best for both of you
to know her true thoughts and feelings.

Ditto. Talk to her. Even if she is reluctant to engage, you can at least state that you love her and that she comes first.

Maria, you say the two of you have very open communication. This is really fantastic, and critical for a relationship involving a CD in a non-DADT situation.

There's something amiss here, and it's not being discussed. It might be something little, and something she doesn't feel comfortable discussing. Internally, she could be saying "Ok _this_ aspect of CDing bothers me, but I'm not going to make noise about it because I don't want to discourage him or come off as not supportive, and it won't change things anyway so I'll just accept it". The problem there is that little annoyances can easily fester into big problems over time when they are not discussed, not worked through.

So, make use of that wide open communication. Lay it out to her; you know there's something amiss, and you want to discuss it. Don't let it be brushed off as nothing. It's something. So, what is it? How do the two of you work together on it, how does it look moving forward?

Why wife is fully supportive of my dressing but at night in bed she asks me to take off the silk nightie so she can feel my skin.
I think you need to talk it out and figure out what is bothering her words go a long ways

Talk to her. But if she really doesn't like seeing you dressed, as it appears, I'd stop dressing in front of her.

Decades ago my wife said to me, "If I wanted to be married to a woman, I would have married a woman!" I suspect women who know their man may accept his little quirk. However, they may set limits when it comes to sexual play or feelings. My wife and I are in a deep DADT. She says nothing derogatory or encouraging. She is supportive of the LGBTQ+ community. When you catch her sizing you up, it may be just assessing your presentation, but also trying to not encouraged anymore than that. My wife had some unwanted encounters with women that definitely affects the entire cross dressing issue. I hope any husband who has a supportive wife does not overwhelm her with female presentations.

I was married, now divorced, Maria. But, before we were my female counselor once said, "Whenever u want to know what a woman is thinking ask her. Because if u try to guess you'll nearly always be wrong!":sad:

I found that to be accurate advice.
However what she DIDN'T EXPLAIN was that even when my ex tried to explain, I still couldn't understand her!:eek:

I would suggest u concentrate more on figuring yourself out! Why is it u want to know what she's doing? And, what r u hoping her watching u means?:straightface:

I noticed a similar reaction about a week ago from my wife. I was fully dressed, above the knee knot front LBD, showing some cleavage, blackout tights , knee high velvet boots. Wig and full makeup/jewelry. My wife was sitting in the living room watching me cook lunch for us. While I was waiting for the food to finish cooking I sat down on the loveseat across from her and we were discussing our workdays. She started nervously biting her fingers as she was talking to me and looking at me kind of funny. Rather than let it go, I just stopped mid-convo and said. Am I making you uncomfortable dressed like this? She paused and said, not uncomfortable but it IS a bit strange to be having this conversation with you looking like that. I replied with, I can change if you would like?..She said , no I like talking to my ?Huz-wife?. We both paused and then busted out laughing together. I said, I love you and I know it?s def weird-it?s my curse. We then went about the rest of the day with me dressed until it was time for me to change and get cleaned up.
Communication is everything with an accepting wife. I would recommend talking it out Maria. Sounds like your wife has ?seen it all? like mine so you shouldn?t hesitate to ask her how she feels at those moments.

One thing here that you absolutely have to consider is that you have told us on numerous occasions that you tend to get ill tempered if you don't get to dress and Your birth family( one of your parents I believe ) too has also mentioned being rough with women to keep them in place.

It's very possible she may have been trying hard to keep the peace in her life by going along with this the best she could .
This is something only you would know about .


Another thing is that long time wives and especially if we have been moms like alot of us here. we put everyone's needs and wants ahead of our own until we finally lose ourselves and get resentful or we end up in bad health . Even if we don't like it , we try . I know I did . And boy did I get it handed to me...

This is very common with females who have been in these traditional gender roles who deal with cross-dressing or when someone transitions ..
Alot of times there is so much to lose as a female. This is why so many who are older or have spent their whole lives with men and maybe don't have as much or any earning power choose to go along with this . The choices are not very good .. Not in the states anyway .

It may not be she's anti-dressing. It may be those things like rubbing your leg, now in stockings, feels awkward to her perhaps making her feel almost "gay".
That's one thing my wife brought up. At first it was that way for her as she put it that in her head she was screaming "I'm the girl". She felt it was too close to feeling like a lesbian and she hated that.
She's relaxed that over time, but it's still not a thing for the bedroom. Sadly that's one thing I would love.

What Dutchess says is important. A wife's consent to something only has value if she can consent without constraints or pressure. And this is very rarely the case. We all weigh pros and cons in when making a decision. We compromise. Wives may sometimes compromise beyond their level of comfort per education or because of a pressure exerted on them. I know for example that my wife is very concerned that I may be unhappy if I don't dress enough, or that I may want to transition and not say it, and not achieve my real destiny. In other words she is concerned that I may not tell the whole story and both of us may end up unhappy in the long run. It is very easy to take advantage of these concerns, of this kind of guilty feelings, especially with women due to their education (take care of others) and I am very cautious to avoid this, and ask myself a lot of questions when I ask something from her or tell her something about my feelings when dressing. Genuine consent is very hard to characterize. It's nice that you are asking yourself these questions. As everyone else said, talk to your wife. But it's not that easy, and certainly not a one-talk thing. She may not tell you the whole story for all kinds of reasons. By fear of hurting you (one of my wife's great fears when she tells me or write on these forums about her feelings), or fear of other things.

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Originally Posted by Maria 60

I could only speculate that she doesn't want to encourage me of maybe she sees me as a women when I'm dressed and doesn't want to send the wrong message like she likes women.

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I think that this putative lesbian feeling towards a crossdressing husband has a good chance to only exist in the mind of the crossdressing husband.

You dont need to figure your wife out. She has figured you out for sure. Just enjoy the ride and the open relationship that you have regarding your dressing.

If I ever find myself, wondering how an s o might react, imagine how I would react if she stopped shaving her legs. That always puts it into perspective.

Ill give you a little update. I took the advice of Carla and didn't dress for a few days. We were going Christmas Eve dinner to my mother in laws and she asked me why I wasn't wearing pantyhose under. Why I haven't been dressing the last few days and wanted to know if I was sick or not feeling well. So instead of me having a talk with her she ended up having the talk with me. It wasn't really the appropriate time but after all she asked and I told her I didn't want to dwell on this and I explained again how I felt about her body language and how she acts when I'm dressed and if there was a problem. She explained to me that as long as we respect each other's wishes she sees no problem and that I'm not harming her in any way. I questioned her honestly and she told me she is being honest and as far as not wanting to hug or cuddle when I'm dressed she doesn't realize she's doing it and will pay more attention to it. She gave me a strange explanation to her not looking at me. She tells me it's a women's instinct when another women is walking towards them they will not look at the women to give the women the satisfaction that she checking out what the women is wearing and almost like being envious. Instead she lets the women walk by and then she will see what she's wearing without the women knowing another women is looking how she's put together. Instead for a man when a women walks towards them they stare and drool from the mouth giving the women a lot of confidence. Wow! It s true she does that and it's true I do that to. Well I was kind of satisfied with the answer and I really didn't know we're to stand on she doesn't realize her actions. But at the end of the day she doesn't mind me dressing so I will try to keep an open relationship. She was upset with me that I stopped dressing instead of talking to her. I just told her I don't want to push things and ruin what I have. Thanks for everyone with your great advice, almost everyone told me to talk to her but sometimes we just don't want to wake the bear. Thanks again

Maria, of course your mileage may vary and my situation has been no more progressed past absolute DADT. I make it my responsibility to have the best relationship with my wife as possible and for me to have just stopped would have been a deal breaker, even at our advanced age. I get my private time and it never comes up in conversation. IMHO it just needs to remain a pleasant activity and not a compulsion. And at this point, I just don't want her involved. We have a very comfortable and loving relationship without the extra drama.

Maria, I love the response she gave you. Her words actually teach me something, too. Thank you for sharing.