Confusing thoughts

When I first came out as a crossdresser to my wife after almost 30 years together, one of her many questions was the standard "Do you want to transition?" My response was, "No, I'm happy with what I was born with.", and I meant it.

Over the last couple of years, I have added things to my dressing that I didn't think I would, like bras, breast forms, wigs and makeup. I really feel happy when wearing women's clothes and wish I could all the time. I feel even happier when in full Stephanie mode and am comfortable going out and about. But I still maintain that I'm happy with what I was born with.

Then this happened.

I'm up at the lake house alone for a week while having some work done around the place. I was sitting around only wearing a bra and my forms, nothing else. I looked down and realized that everything was tucked away without even realizing it was. It looked like a woman would look. The first thing that popped into my head was, "I wish this was my normal view." I have mentioned before, either here or on another forum, that it would be nice if I could say a magic word and be able to switch back and forth, but this was the first time I ever had a thought like that.

I still maintain that I don't want to transition, but the thoughts I've been having since last night are very confusing. I think it may be time to find a professional to talk to. I don't want to stop dressing or feeling the way I do, but I think it would help to talk to someone about it. I currently only have my best friend, a GG, but think opening up to someone else might help me some. Problem is, I'm not the kind of person that does that. I was raised in a time where guys were told to suck it up and deal with it.

Like I said, confusing thoughts.

First. Only ONE thing is constant in life: Change!:heehee:

Second. I was where u r about 15 years ago, Steph. That was when I got my 1st silicone suit and saw myself as a naked woman in my mirror!:eek:
Within a week 10+ years of me wanting to become female vanished forever!:battingeyelashes:

I know this isn't for every T but I can appear to be a nude female any time I wish. See my avatar!:daydreaming:
Oh! And, I'm 82!

Lots of similarities to your situation and your thoughts, although not the going shopping together or acceptance going out. I?ve had quite a bit of alone time recently and definitely experienced the comfortableness of being me out in the world, leading to some of the same types of thoughts you speak of.
I think talking to a professional is a good idea. I also did not think I could do it but once initiated I came to like it. Unfortunately moving to SoCal ended that relationship. Did it for a couple years - helps to accept yourself - but does not resolve the confusing thoughts or the conflicts.

I came out as transgender but in 25 years I've only done a social transition. No HRT or medications.
I have a feminine voice, mannerisms, and walk.
I've been thinking of wearing mini dresses when I go to movie theaters.

Marion

Stephanie,
I just have to ask you if this thought was more like the "I wish this vacation would never end" kind of thought. You know - you're enjoying the moment and don't want it to end. You know you'll have to go back to your regular life sooner or later, but you don't want to, at least not yet.

If it's that, I'd say that you don't need to keep overthinking it. You were just happy with the moment and had thoughts of it continuing. Not a big deal.


Now if it stirred up deeper feelings that you're struggling with, then yes- go talk to someone.

Sara,

I'd say it stirred deeper feelings. I do like coming up here and being me, but I can do that any time. When I thought "I wish this was my normal view", it was more.... I've been sitting here trying to figure out how to finish that sentence and I can't come up with an explanation. I just like the way it looked I guess.

Stephanie,

While meeting up with Debs and her GG friend Jen, she and I got chatting. She was asking about it being possible we could meet up again but not have to wait until my next holiday which could be another 12 months. I explained that my domestic circumstances made it extremely difficult for me to go out as Helen even though I would dearly like to. I have outfits I'll love to wear on a night out should the opportunities arise. However I have to live with what life presents in front of me.

I get to dress in femme clothing most days and for a good few hours. No wig, no makeup, perhaps a few rings and a bracelet. I've learned to be comfortable with that. Jen aptly described it as being comfortable in your own skin and perhaps that's what you're now feeling.

When we do this for as long as some of us have we grow into that femme side. We hone our skills, getting better at looking ever more femme. Our body grows muscle memory so tucking becomes second nature if not the natural option to be in.

Only you will know exactly what you're feeling but it does sound to me as if you've reached that comfort stage. You could go full time, you have the skill set, the clothing, you're comfortable being Steph. However transition isn't for you and I can totally understand that. It's not for me either despite enjoying outandaboutery for 7 days full on and knowing I could do it for longer.

I like what I see in the mirror when dressed even if that's just a bra and knickers. That image looks right. I know I could do more time out and about but I've learned to manage my life and make the best of my situation. I would say don't over think it, go with the flow, enjoy each element of your life for what each is.

Right now I'm sat in thick hose, skirt, cami under a well fitted top with a cardi over. In a few minutes I'll be in drab work wear as I've jobs to do but that's the balance I have in my life and I suspect it's a balance you'll find to.

Oh gosh, I have been on this particular roller coaster. I am reminded of a couple of conversations with two colleagues who had considerable experience with providing health care to people across the gender spectrum. They were neither encouraging nor discouraging me from transitioning, but as I recall their advice, transition can be both social and physical. Transition can be incremental, too. In that respect, you have already embarked on transition. You get to choose what you keep, what you remove and what you add to your life and your body.

It’s 100% OK, even better than OK to like the way you look!

Helen,

I think you are right on the muscle memory thing. I have been noticing more and more that I'm tucked when sitting around or in bed. Sometimes I have to quickly untuck so my wife doesn't notice. I doubt she would even register, but why take the chance.

When I have my forms in, I do like what I see in the mirror. I almost always smile. :battingeyelashes: When fully en femme, I think, I wish I did this more when I was younger.

Kim,

Thanks for the encouraging words. I know what I would like to keep and add, but with the restrictions, sadly I won't be able to add anything permanent to my body. Not even pierced ears. I just need to learn to be happy with what is allowed.

Hi Stephanie :hugs:, I totally enjoy having the Best of both worlds, >Orchid**O:daydreaming:O**

I totally relate, Stephanie. I'm about to turn 50 and I've lived a life as a man. As far as I'm concerned it's simply too late for me to consider transitioning, despite the tingle/pang I get in my stomach at the idea, or when I see myself in full on girl-mode.
I think though, that if I'd come to my realisation when much younger, and if society had been as accepting then as it is now (or even more so) then it definitely would have been a serious consideration.

Stephanie.
I did go through something similar after I had my FFS and a BA.
Every time I stepped out of the shower I could see the top half of a woman but with male bits.
It played on my mind and I spoke of this to my psychologist. She told me she expected this as being more dysphoria for me.
At first I had declared I could not afford the $40.000 or more for GRS here in Australia and I thought I would be happy as I was.
The view in the mirror changed all of that and I went to Thailand for GRS at half the price.
I am at peace with myself.

As counselor I met with for over ten years to deal with combat related PTSD is of the opinion that each man and woman has some dna of the other sex in their dna chain; In some it is more than others. The question that arises in my mind is when and what trips the need or desire to emulate the opposite sex? The big question is how does one respond when that "flip of the switch" calls. When my combat buddies self medicated with drugs and alcohol, I found relief in emulating a woman by donning the attire of a woman. Was it my form of escapism? Or more?

Philipa,

I can't see a time that I would consider GRS, even if I were suddenly single, but you never know. Right now, the only thing I would consider is top surgery, if my wife allowed it. That's what made the thought so confusing. I liked the look and would love to see it whenever I looked down or stepping out of the shower, but want to keep what I have.

Stephanie

Stephanie, I expect it's a huge leap from liking what you see when you look down or in the mirror, and actually considering transition? When I do my (roughly once a year) full on Julie experience (most recently 3 days as Julie 24/7), I immerse myself in my Julie character, and try to embody her physically and mentally, like an actor staying in character, full immersion. But I have no actual desire to transition, I enjoy being a man..even though it's a fascinating and fulfilling experience to go full-on Julie and embrace parts of me that my male self can't access.
Purely from what I've read, it seems that most people who have successfully transitioned and are happy and well adjusted have felt from a young age that they were born in the wrong body. I've never felt like that..have you?

Think I would at my age, without filling all the forms in convincing people what I want and the list goes on and on and on, if I could just say yes, id do it in a heartbeat,, im hurting no one but me, and you say really ?, yes really They can have all my money when I go, theyve got all there own lives to lead. Me having a bit chopped off wont hinder or afect them what soever. there ya go girls

Julie,

No, I have never felt like I was in the wrong body, that's why it was, and is, a confusing thought to pop into my head. I like the parts I was born with and have no desire to remove them.

I totally know the feeling.
When I am dressed, it all just feels right. Confusing as can be.
With bits tucked and breast forms in place, I look in the mirror and have a
feeling of peace, A feeling that all is as it should be.

But when in guy mode, nothing feels right, I feel as I have to put on this male
facade that is really not me anymore. So yes, totally confusing.