It Started With Hair Removal Now She Needs to Know Everything

[SIZE="3"]I to have tried male hair removal products, it started out as I was part of a paid lab trial group. I was paid to try different formulations of products for effectivness, lasting, allergic reactions. I did have some reactions to one formulation, but results were good. The then compaired the results with shaving and waxing. I loved the feeling of being smooth and all the while I was getting paid. Now here comes the problem my long term GF, (she does no live with me), was ok with the fact of me participating in the study thru the winter, now its summer and I have told her I am continuing to shave for I like the feeling. Her reaction was "What will you family say", and "Its a Gay thing", I read this as I dont want to be seen with you like this. She does not know, I guess love is blind, at least I dont think she knows about Kristen, or has not said anything. In the past 3 months I have made major changes to my body, lost 25 lbs, body hair, improvements in facial skin, thinning eyebrows alot unoticed or nothing said. I have been working up to tell her about everything. I do love her and wouldn't want to lose her, didnt tell her till this point for I had stopped dressing for about 2 years, and had just started again In October. My first question is to those who's SO dont know you dress, did your SO notice you were shaving and what was her reaction. My second question is how did you tell your SO, is it better to just lay the cards out on the table and tell her, I need to tell her so that she does not wonder whats going on, or work into it.[/SIZE]

I don't know if you need to tell her about Kristen. That depends on several things that you know better.
But I think you shouldn't bother to much about shaving. This is something everyone could do just to feel comfortable.
Sometimes I think we have to much fear to be labled gay or whatever.
Is a man gay that takes a shower and changes clothes every day, instead of being "smelly like a straight man has to be" ?
Shave and show her that you are not gay.
Personal hygiene is not a gay or CD thing.
I for myself went swimming for the first time after years after shaving legs and chest because I felt uncomfortable even in male mode with all the fur.
Just be a bit more self-confident.

Hi Kristen, You pose some serious questions not only for yourself but also for her. One fact is clear, and that is she must be told. How you do it is another thing!!! There is no simple answer. There are too many factors here that are unknown. Only you know what those factors are. Given the info here I would ease into it, letting her digest what is said to her. She can not be bombarded with everything at once. Let us know what happens, remember you have friends here.

Love; BonnieAnne0.02

Sorry, I don't have an answer to your questions.

I recall you posting in another thread about taking hormones.. And so was wondering how your longtime G/F could not know already about Kristen.

How much should or shouldn't be told to SOs largely dpends on where in the CD/TS spectrum a person is. What amount is appropriate for a fetish dresser is way dif from what should be disclosed by someone who considers themselves TS and has taken steps to alter their male body.

confused again,
~Kitty~

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Originally Posted by ~Kitty GG~

Sorry, I don't have an answer to your questions.

I recall you posting in another thread about taking hormones.. And so was wondering how your longtime G/F could not know already about Kristen.

How much should or shouldn't be told to SOs largely dpends on where in the CD/TS spectrum a person is. What amount is appropriate for a fetish dresser is way dif from what should be disclosed by someone who considers themselves TS and has taken steps to alter their male body.

confused again,
~Kitty~

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[SIZE="3"]Kitty you bring up a very valid point, I should have told her 3 months ago, my own selfishness had gotten in the way. Over the past 3 months I have changed alot with little said, I've lost 25 lbs, shaved all my body hair, taken better care of cleansing my face that my coplextion has cleared, I guess love is blind. Yes I had been taking hormones up until a short while ago, I stopped for a number of reasons. How I classifly myself as non-op TS, I have to find a balance between my heart, family and my job, they will determine to what degree I would take this. This I haven't taken lightly this is a lifestyle change for me and something I have been fighting for years, only accepting it myself within the past year. The changes I have made have brought me much happiness, and some inner peace.

Well the first part of this post I wrote before I continued our conversation, I asked the question I posted here, "Does she not want to be seen with me as I am", her reply was to stop shaving, for which I discussed how I had always been different than most men she had dated, and that was one of the biggest things she loved about me, accept me for who I am and don't worry what others think, I had told her. I let her know how I'd been shaving my legs every winter in the past, that I loved the feeling. She told me she had noticed the changes in me but was afraid to confront me, she just turned 50 and told me she is afraid of growing old alone. She asked that we spend more quality time together turn of the tv and all distractions and talk, something the two of us had stopped doing. It was a very civil conversation with alot of emotion. She wanted some time alone so she has gone out for the afternoon leaving me to do the things I had planed to do around the house, agreeing to talk more tonight and spend the day out together tomorrow. One of the things that had stopped her from moving in, was the extensive remodel of my house, which she has put in alot of input as to how she would like it. I have been doing this over the past 4 years, something I had not been doing fast enough for her, and maybe I was subconsciously slowing down myself.
She has alot of wrong preconcived ideas, that only conversation and time may change that. It is amazing how much you may know about a person, but you can only know what they tell you If you dont ask. I think if I tell her too much now she will blow up, and not give me a chance to fully explain myself, so this will be a slow process.
More to come and I will not post a blow by blow discription, maybe some updates, but I will post how thing do turn out.[/SIZE]

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Originally Posted by Kristen Kelly

[SIZE="3"]Kitty you bring up a very valid point, I should have told her 3 months ago, my own selfishness had gotten in the way. .[/SIZE]

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You say that you've been renovating for 4 years w/ her input. I imagine she was expecting to be the woman of said house at some point. And yet you think you should have told her only 3 months ago???

Did it occur to you that she may have thought you were losing weight to be more attractive to her? That you were taking more care w/ your skin etc for the same reason.. I hear the CDs in here say they're not sure if the SO noticed this or that.. And they figure that if they did notice they'll be guessing about the CDing.. Not true. We do notice. But the last explanation the average woman is gonna come up with is maybe he's CD/TS.

Shouldn't anyone in a relationship have the very basic information? If you're even considering hormones. I wouldn't tell the guy on the corner selling newpapers but I sure would tell the person who's sharing their body with me. Making their life decisions based on the both of us.

beyond confused
~Kitty~

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Originally Posted by Kristen Kelly

[SIZE="3"]She has alot of wrong preconcived ideas, that only conversation and time may change that.[/SIZE]

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Wrong? why are they wrong? what are these 'wrong preconceived ideas'? do we have universal ideas now that should all be the same? or are we individuals with our own identity and our own ideas??

[SIZE="3"]It's easy to pick and choose a part of a post and take it out of context and then try to tear me apart. If you have bitterness don't off load it here.
I didn't mention one important fact that I did not include in this thread, which I did in past posts, I had just resumed dressing in October after two years of obstaining, by my choice. When I resumed I thought it would be a passing thing, only to realize that it was the reason for my depression. I made some wrong desisions, yes, but I am trying to rectify them, I do not need to make you understand my actions.
Talking to her tonight I found out just how much she didn't see, or didn't want to see. I still have not told her I dress, I did not lead her on, and have been honest with her about all other matters, but my dressing, had she had ever confronted me with the question "Did I dress", I would have answered her honestly. It is hard to admit this to another person, when you don't want to admit it to yourself.
I have only come to grips with this at the start of the year and It had snowballed quickly, so quickly that I had to take a step back and question my own actions. The lines of comunication are open we are talking.

[SIZE="4"][/SIZE]After a drought a little rain at a time is good, too much can do as much damage as the drought, as long as it is not to little to late.[/SIZE]

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Originally Posted by Kristen Kelly

[SIZE="3"]It's easy to pick and choose a part of a post and take it out of context and then try to tear me apart. If you have bitterness don't off load it here.

I still have not told her I dress, I did not lead her on, and have been honest with her about all other matters, but my dressing, had she had ever confronted me with the question "Did I dress", I would have answered her honestly. It is hard to admit this to another person, when you don't want to admit it to yourself.

[SIZE="4"][/SIZE]After a drought a little rain at a time is good, too much can do as much damage as the drought, as long as it is not to little to late.[/SIZE]

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I don't have any bitterness.

I was pointing out that taking hormones is much farther than just dressing. And that someone in a longterm close relationship might not agree that they haven't been lead on.

Your thread asked how to tell your G/F. But how to tell someone you dress but are totally male otherwise is different from telling someone that you identify as TS. Even the dif degrees of TS change things.

Tough questions are going to come up. She's gonna ask when you did things like start & stop hormones. And its going to color how she sees the relationship if those thing happened during your time together.

I don't expect you to explain yourself to me. I was hoping you'd look at this from her possible perspective. I don't think she's gonna think 3 months ago was the time to discuss it.. but a much longer time frame.

~Kitty~

Kristen I really did not want to respond to this thread, because in my opinon no matter what any of us advised or said it woudl probably not be what you want to hear. And faciing these hard truths rarely is pleasant or brings any peace or inner joy. Even more so when you haev already acknowledged that you have made mistakes. Making mistakes is part of human nature...but learning from them is something not equal.....

Can I ask you this though...do you really...I mean deep down inside think that most hetrosexual women jump from leg shaving to crossdressing? Because if you really believe this was something she would have asked you, I dare say you have either not read many posts from gg's who found out 'after the fact' or have possibly choosen to ignore these posts. The reality being that very very very few woman without proper 'trans' education would be able to 'figure this out' and know which specific question to ask. 98% will not make that association. I dont' believe it has to do with the woman's intelligence, but due to exposure and trans knoweldge.

This post is not a 'you go girl' to out yourself. But I think your actions are very telling about your feelings for this woman. We can only comment on what you share, so if you choose to only share 'half" a story you will probably get responses which seem bitter or out of context.

I think that it was possibly not a great idea {2 yrs ago} to tell her if you were in a bad place for a period of time. But you are correct though, you have done some things now which will be hard possibly for her to accept to understand. Even as supportive and acepting and rah rah as most of us who come here are....we all have limits and lines which we feel strongly about.

Right now you actually have alot of power in your life, I hope you use this new found knowledge and power for good....right now your gf is in the dark cave without a flashlight...I hope you can find a way to lead both of you out of this without the cave falling in.

most sincerely

Kristen, From your original posting, I think you're going to have a big problem with your girlfriend. Why? Part of her reaction was "It's a gay thing." She obviously has homophobic problems. I really doubt that she can accept your crossdressing after saying that. Regardless of what your sexual orientation is. Jaie

That just upsets me! I can understand the people who been married long time with children hold off by telling their wives about crossdressing but someone who has a girlfriend especially that you been with her for a long time and contemplating on taking hormones. It is only fair that she should be told about your crossdressing. This woman probably one day wants to have a future with you and it is only fair that she knows everything about you. Why do you put someone in that predicament. IF you care for her you have to tell her. It should be her choice to choose if she can accept it or not.

I honestly cannot formulate a plan of action for you. Kathy is very correct that "right now your gf is in the dark cave without a flashlight...I hope you can find a way to lead both of you out of this without the cave falling in."

Unfortunately, I do not think you have a flashlight either, and you are not even in the cave yet. You're standing outside wondering, fretting, fearing that she might come out and ask why you didn't come in to help her out. Fearing that if you go to help her she might ask why you didn't come sooner.

The truth is, fear is normal. It is your subconscious telling you to be careful. It is a warning. A mark of caution. Being brave and strong is often a required trait among transsexual people, and often also a much-needed trait for the wide spectrum of transgendered people. Bravery and strength is not ignoring fear and despair. That is what fools do, ignore their fear and the despair they feel. Bravery and strength is being afraid, being crushed by despair... yet still getting up, still finding the energy and will to go on even if going onward is the only option other than death that you can see.

The situation you are in is delicate, for certain. Introducing her to things might be a safe choice until she understands things better. However, this is all I can think of. Honestly, I am stunned that you would do something like that... Ridicule is not what we are here for, though. Support is.

The only thing I can say that I think will definitely help is this: Persevere. Do not give up, do not stop moving onward.

Why do you wish to continue living in a state of fear and anquish? Just tell her now! Then move along with your life. Just don't accept her "accepting with rules" and you continue to be torn, unless of course you're OK with the rules.