Need Help

I was caught by my wife again. I was not dressed but she found my bra on the floor by our bed. Of course she became angry and we had another one of those arguments about how sick I am. So, what do I do? Give up crossdresseing? She threatens to tell our kids who are older, married and have kids of their own. I really confused right now because I want to crossdress but don't know if all this is worth it. I tried to explain my feelings to her but she won't listen. Please help me. I'm really hurting.

Tina:sad:

Well good luck with this one. But your problem is that she is being excluded from something you are doing, so she hasn't got any information to work with other than her own preconceptions/misconceptions.

First work out what you ARE doing. (not easy I know).

Then explain it in a way that is non-threatening.

(Probably impossible, but I'm trying to help.)

i feel so sorry for you . my hart goes out to you, i had the same problem, try getting some information for her to read and sit down and talk to her. but i think your wife is from the old school and she will never change her mind , but try everything you can ...
i do hope things work out for you

hugs Marissa

Like Julie said, search your feelings to realize why you need to do it first, then maybe you can calmly explain it to her. We don't all do it for the same reasons and there are no "rules" really.:happy: Ericka

oh dear

I'm not sure that any amount of information that you can give your wife will help the situation here. She appears to have very set parameters of what she can and cannot accept and I'm afraid that your crossdressing is one she cannot accept. I can't quite understand her vitriolic stance considering you seem to be doing it somewhat secretly and apparently not expecting her input.

I think that you know what your choices are...give CDing away(if you are able), become far better at concealing your CDing, keep the status quo and accept that one day she will "out" you to your family(maybe do it yourself first?) or at least she will continue to use it as emotional blackmail, or you could leave the relationship.

Me...being an A type personality, if my wife acted like this then I would have to leave...I couldn't live in a situation surrounded by stress continually bubbling under the surface, arguments a bra strap away, but then I am content with my company!!!

Tina .Tina ,Tina, ... OK first place to start is with your thinking or lack there of... OK she found your bra by the bed... Tina your wife is not OK with your dressing i am not saying do it behind her back ... but for god sakes be more careful think some put in some time trying to talk to her ... leveeing a bra next to the bed just rubs SALT in the wounds.....

Try to understand, who you are, and how you feel.

Then, open your heart to your wife, tell her how you feel, even if you don't know why. If she steps all over your feelings, I'm sorry, but at least you won't be lying to her.

Try and sit her down calmly know it's hard try and explain why you cross dress, then tell her how much fun you will have shopping nfor clothes and shoes. If she loves you she will come round, it just takes time and a lot of patience, be who you really are

Emma x

Christina,

You didn't indicate whether or not your wife would be agreeable to reading any information about crossdressing. It appears that she, like so many others, is uneducated about what crossdressing is - as well as what it ISN'T. Maybe if you could convince her to sit WITH you while you both look at some down-to-earth information about the subject, it might help her to understand your NEED more than she does now. I offer you the material on my web site as a starting point.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

I see on your profile that you are retired. It seems to me that it is decision time for you. You should try what some of the other posters have proposed by trying to educate your wife about cross dressing. However, I sense that she has been and will continue to be quite rigid in her beliefs about it. I have no doubt that my wife would have never bent on this subject and it would have been decision time for me. However, it would have been an easy decision for me because I loved my wife so much that I would have walked away from cross dressing in a heartbeat and never looked back as long as we were together. I think that you need to assess your marriage and decide if your wife or your cross dressing is more important to you and act accordingly.
Remember that marriage is real life and cross dressing is fantasy.:hugs:

:love:

Ashley

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Originally Posted by christina1

I was caught by my wife again. I was not dressed but she found my bra on the floor by our bed. Of course she became angry and we had another one of those arguments about how sick I am. So, what do I do? Give up crossdresseing? She threatens to tell our kids who are older, married and have kids of their own. I really confused right now because I want to crossdress but don't know if all this is worth it. I tried to explain my feelings to her but she won't listen. Please help me. I'm really hurting.

Tina:sad:

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The problem here is that it is hard to change someones inbuilt fears or views, and many factors come in to a woman accepting or part accepting a crossdressing husband. Many people views, of taboo subjects is inbuilt from a early age, and it not the case of saying "Hi hun, I'm home, and by the way I'm a crossdresser" and she certainly is highly unlikly to turn round and says "Okay, no problem, Whatever! " Dispite what you read it rarely is the case that there is no fear, trepidation, horror, even guilt on their side,

We all read many tales on here of people who have told there wifes (and some have fully supporting SO) and they have not batted an eyelid when told, it does happen but it rare, and for every woman thats says "okay, no problem" There is at least one maybe ten that will scream the place down, sob her heart out, shout the odd to you, and threaten to leave unless it stops.

I can only quote my own case here, I have a wonderful partner, lovely girl, been with her for 14 years of my life now. When we meet after it started to get serious I told her of my crossdressing and thankfully she understood this was a need in me, something I needed to do! However dispite her being the most level headed person I know, dispite her knowing fully about my dressing (to the point that she even bought Tracy two christmas presents this year which chuffed me to bits) she still can not be in the same room as Tracy. However all I can do is be grateful for her understanding, and I hope one day we can work it out, but if not I have to accept we just can't go any futher than we already have (or it will damamge what we have). However I will be forever in her debt, just for trying, and for letting me do what I need to do, and for having the trust in me to allow me to do that.

in your case, sadly it seems the case is your wife has had the shock in finding the man she married is not the man she believed he was, you say you have older married children, therefore for 20+ maybe more she has lived a dream, which you have now just shattered. believe me, your probably going to get as much flack as if you admitted to having an affair with a string of woman, because basically you have, for years there has been another woman in your life she has known nothing about, and now she is realling in shock over what she is starting to find out, and it certainly will be going through her mind, what next, what is he going to do, or tell me next?

The only person that can help you here, is yourself, you can patch up the damage, or try to push harder for more freedom, but either way, your going to have to work on repairing your relationship for her, as much as for you, because at present, she feel hurt and betrayed, and let down, and therefore you have a hard rockface to climb, even just to get back to were you where before she found the bra, let alone getting her to accept more!

Good luck, I wish you both the best! But sometime, we just have to put or partners first! I'd love to share shopping trips and a cup of tea, and a chat with my best friend, whilst I was fully dressed. (That friend is my beloved partner) but I know it just not going to happen, so I accept that her limit, and therefore I don't push her further on accepting me. I'm grateful and thankful for the acceptance and the trust she has already given me, which is far more than most ever get or have.

I consider myself very very lucky, love you Hun :hugs: :love: :hugs:

Tina,

I don't know you or your situation well enough to be very specific, but here are some options: If the is counseling available in your area which specializes in gender issues, you could both attend, giving her the opportunity to learn about you and TG concerns. Also there are books available about CDing through Amazon.com Lastly and most important, is to sloooowly and gently speak with your wife about it. Let her ask any questions. If you don't know, tell her you don't know. If you do know, be truthful.

Based on your post, she seems adamant about you not CDing, and threatening to out you to family members to prevent you from this. Think it through before you act.

Colleen

When i told my best friend emma, i really thought she would flip out. She didn't. I guess the saying goes " you know who your friends are". I would be very lonely with out her. Sure, since then i have told a few more people, but she is the only one who i really conect with. She is like a sister to me.
So, my advice to you, sit her down, talk nicely and explain every thing. Say the reason why you did not want to say any thing, incase you lost the one you love. But, Remember, she might say that she can not cope with it. Don't force her. I say, " why be with some one who does not love you for who you really are". Guess that is why i have been single for so long. But, with great friends like emmauk, i have nothing to worry about. She nag's at me like a partner any way.

love
sophieuk

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Originally Posted by christina1

I was caught by my wife again. I was not dressed but she found my bra on the floor by our bed. Of course she became angry and we had another one of those arguments about how sick I am. So, what do I do? Give up crossdresseing? She threatens to tell our kids who are older, married and have kids of their own. I really confused right now because I want to crossdress but don't know if all this is worth it. I tried to explain my feelings to her but she won't listen. Please help me. I'm really hurting.

Tina:sad:

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I just want to say how sorry I am to hear about what you are facing. I hope that you and your wife will arrive at an understanding. I could not think of a harder situation. I would only suggest that you take your time and really consider what may help both of you. Be understanding of her and also of yourself. It is a very hard situation. Hopefully you share enough love together to weather this and come to a place that is right for both of you.

Sorry I could not be more helpful.


Hugs

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Originally Posted by christina1

I was caught by my wife again. I was not dressed but she found my bra on the floor by our bed. Of course she became angry and we had another one of those arguments about how sick I am. So, what do I do? Give up crossdresseing? She threatens to tell our kids who are older, married and have kids of their own. I really confused right now because I want to crossdress but don't know if all this is worth it. I tried to explain my feelings to her but she won't listen. Please help me. I'm really hurting.

Tina:sad:

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If the dressing hasn't gone away by now, its not going away and its who you are. You have to ask yourself "do I want to live the rest of my life with someone who thinks its OK to blackmail me?" a Blackmailer will allways hold power over you if you allow her to, she also probably WILL tell at some point so you might plan how to tell your adult children yourself under better circumstances than your wife will tell them.

Sounds too much like my life. All I can say is she outted me to our grown children (you figure out the reason).....they are fine with it. SURPRISE !

Stay calm for starters.


Emily Ann

Well, looks like you really screwed it up this time. Knowing she did not approve of your crossdressing and there you go and leave your bra laying on the floor for her to find ?, I tell you what, your marbles aren't all together.
I look at it this way, you either wanted her to find the bra, and this is your way of telling her," I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN ".
Or you just dumb and careless.....:bonk:
Choices ?
Do this; take ALL your stash, put it on the table, sit her across from you and deciede what you hold the most value for+?
Good luck in whatever you choose.......:hugs:

Tina, I am not sure how long the two of you have been together, but I assume it has been awhile since your kids are grown and married. I suggest you let her calm down first.

I found out about my SO's dressing by accident. He is a truck driver and he has always since I known him carried a backpack, he calls it a shower bag for the truck stops. He carries shampoo, toothrush you know toiletries. I almost never look in his bag. For some reason I picked up his bag he had laying out and starting looking through it. He saw me and immediatly came over and took the bag and headed towards the kitchen with it and said he needed to throw some trash away he had in there. Well he made it look so suspious that I followed him. I saw him take something small out of the bag and put it in his back pocket. He didn't think I saw him but I did. I confronted him with it. I had no idea at this time about any CD... absolutly nothing.. My son was present in the kitchen and we were kinda laughing cause I thought as small as it was it couldn't be all that bad. He didn't want to talk about it in front of my son who is 16. He said he has been wanting to talk to me about something but we needed to go upstairs and talk about it in private. I thought maybe it was lotion, KY, but when he told me what it actually was I was so shocked:eek: . It was foundation :rolleyes: (make-up) some of mine that I don't wear anymore. He had taken it out of my make-up bag and said he was just gonna wear it in the truck and that was when he went ahead and spilled the beans about the panties, hose and other things. So the reason why I'm telling you all this is all the secrets and lies and cover-up makes things worse or at least for me. I was hurt, :sad: confused and just plain didn't understand why a man wanted to do these women things but after some time and lots of talking I still don't understand but I feel that as long as we can have limits and guidlines he and i can still have a relationship. Since we got rid of the (pink frog )things have calmed down and are getting back to A KIND OF NORMAL. At least now I don't feel like I'm left in the dark. I hope I have helped. :love:

I think as has been said before you need to sit down in a calm rational manner and talk it through
Explain to her that before she decides to tell anyone she should have all the information available

Have as much info available as you can and give her time to read it
It may not change her mind but it will make her think you trying to be reasonable

but above all stay calm

As with some of the other responses I'm not exactly sure how you might go about modifying your wife's opinion.
My first wife (of over 20 years) never really knew... my current wife knows and has actually helped me with clothing and makeup - I've been really fortunate, although we are going to be splitting up for other reasons.
Perhaps there is a support group in your area - if there is some way to have her attend with you perhaps that might be of help.
Good luck.
Victoria

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Originally Posted by Julie York

Well good luck with this one. But your problem is that she is being excluded from something you are doing, so she hasn't got any information to work with other than her own preconceptions/misconceptions.

First work out what you ARE doing. (not easy I know).

Then explain it in a way that is non-threatening.

(Probably impossible, but I'm trying to help.)

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I actually agree with Julie, She is being excluded from a big part of your life. The negative comments are just the hurt she feels and the lack of knowledge about what you are doing.

What helped me in a big way was meeting other women, who are a lot like me, that accept their husbands this way and have sucessful relationships.

Kitty

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Originally Posted by Dixie Darling

Christina,

You didn't indicate whether or not your wife would be agreeable to reading any information about crossdressing. It appears that she, like so many others, is uneducated about what crossdressing is - as well as what it ISN'T. Maybe if you could convince her to sit WITH you while you both look at some down-to-earth information about the subject, it might help her to understand your NEED more than she does now. I offer you the material on my web site as a starting point.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

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It doesn't sound like your wife would be amiable to doing that, or reading Dixie's site.

I suggest you read Dixie's site if you need help in explaining it to your kids.

I also suggest you talk to your kids before your wife does. She'll most likely put a bad spin on it.

Work out what you want to say, and don't act embarrased about being a transgendered crossdresser.

Explain when/how it all started. And if you're of the mindset that you were born this way (as I am), then explain it that way.

In my experience, it's best to be straight forward and take control of your life, don't let anyone else control it. Don't be afraid of what anyone else may think of you.

Stand tall and be proud.