Dealing With The Public...

Hello,
Where to start with the dilema I seem to face; I am a crossdresser/transgendered individual and have been for about thirty years, since I was eight to be exact. I have been in a relationship with the most undrestanding women for about 4 years. She supports me 100%. The thing that seems to be my biggest issue is going out in public, the stares and the whispering really bother the hell out of me. Im not sure if passing is the issue but just being accepted for who I am. i have seen different therapist on and off for many years and they all tell me the same thing, to accept your self for who you are but I find that a big problem when no one else seems to be able too. So I guess my question to all of you is how to do that regardless of everyone else. I dress in femme 95% of the time because that is what makes me feel good inside. the attire dont make the person, whats inside makes you who you are. This is a daily struggle for me. Everytime I want to leave the house I have to completely change who I am because im affraid of the general public and there closed minds. This is the 21st century for god sakes, not the 1930's. Just looking for some support maybe, Im not sure, Thanks in advance for any suggestions or advice, Love Lisa Mae....;o)

I hate when I get all dressed and plan on having a day around the house and then realize there is something I need from the store. Have to change and then run the errand. It certainly is frustrating. To answer your question, do you have a local support group? A tri-Ess or something like it? It is a great way to meet people that know how you feel and gives you time as Lisa, out of the house. I have only gotten to go to the local group once, because of work schedule, but I loved it. Other than that I think it's realizing that everyone really isn't looking and commenting on you. A hard thing to overcome.

I go out almost every day and always dressed but in girl jeans and a cute top, usually in my heels and carry a purse. Your photo looks much better than mine so I really don't think ppl are as bad as you sense. I say that because I honestly ....I want to say ever here, see or even sense any looks or giggles. I actually converse and interact with the GGs around me and have gotten compliments on my pretty french manicure toes and clothes. Again your picture indicates that you are going to fit right in girl, just go for it and don't worry about it. I think if one will dress to blend (with a little personal flash) and keeps a smile on no one really cares or knows.

That is the biggest problem most of your sisters have, it goes with the life style. As you say it's whats on the inside that counts, smile and continue on with you life. :love:

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Originally Posted by Lisa Mae

Hello,
Everytime I want to leave the house I have to completely change who I am because im affraid of the general public and there closed minds.

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Hi Lisa Mae...

It is what you feel inside that radiates out to the people around you... People communicate with more than words alone... It is your body language and other more subtle things that you use to communicate with others...

So try to find inner peace with yourself and you will find self confidence and with self confidence comes acceptance...

It is a road that everyone of us has to go alone, because it is a growing process, one of the biggest challenges one can face IMHO... But once achieved, it is one of the most rewarding experiences...ever. Which is quite common for all things you undertake that take you out of your comfort zone.

So keep going at it and in the mean time keep improving your appearance... Once you are happy with yourself and look in the mirror and say: "Girl you look GOOD today", you can go out and you'll notice that there are hardly any comments or giggles or stares anymore... And for the ones that are still there, you'll have the inner peace to be able to just ignore them...

Feeling good about yourself is the key...and only you and you alone can achieve that.

:love:Dita.

Hi Lisa,

As has already been said, considering your look on your avatar you shouldn't worry too much about public reactions. You look great and very feminine.

Nevertheless, I can understand your fears, especially if you live in a small town or in a small community. Going out is always easier away from one's home town...

But more generaly, going out in public requires one to develop pride in being what one is, in our cases being a x-dresser. I know that it is easier said than made, but if your attitude is one of self confidence, other will react accordingly and won't bother you.

Some already said that, if you haven't done it yet, it would really help you build self esteem as a transgender person to attend some local X-dressers support groups, like Tri Ess or another association.

My other :2c: advice is that you never go out alone, at least until you have built enough confidence in yourself to impose your presence quite naturaly in the minds of others.

I hope that you will enjoy the freedom of going out soon.

:hugs:
Eugenie

FIrst let me say that you have received lots of good comments and advice so far and yes, you do look good.

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Originally Posted by Lisa Mae

Hello,
Where to start with the dilema I seem to face; I am a crossdresser/transgendered individual and have been for about thirty years, since I was eight to be exact. I have been in a relationship with the most undrestanding women for about 4 years. She supports me 100%. The thing that seems to be my biggest issue is going out in public, the stares and the whispering really bother the hell out of me. Im not sure if passing is the issue but just being accepted for who I am. i have seen different therapist on and off for many years and they all tell me the same thing, to accept your self for who you are but I find that a big problem when no one else seems to be able too. So I guess my question to all of you is how to do that regardless of everyone else. I dress in femme 95% of the time because that is what makes me feel good inside. the attire dont make the person, whats inside makes you who you are. This is a daily struggle for me. Everytime I want to leave the house I have to completely change who I am because im affraid of the general public and there closed minds. This is the 21st century for god sakes, not the 1930's. Just looking for some support maybe, Im not sure, Thanks in advance for any suggestions or advice, Love Lisa Mae....;o)

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Like you I dress 95% of the time. The time I don't dress has to do with work and a few exceptions to my daily person. I remember well how *I* felt those first times going out in public. The first time I left my apartment when there were adults and children outside to see me, why it took nearly 35 minutes just to step outside. It got easier but that was a BIG step.

What works for me is something I actually started doing back in high school to overcome the attempts of local bully boys to instill fear in me. I came to the realization that I was not there for their benefit but for my own. I belonged where I was and by all the powers no one was going to beat me down. I learned the defensive smile. You put one on and it disarms people.

Step one though is self-acceptance. It is true that people will not so readily accept anyone who does not first accept themselves. This is also the biggest hurdle whether or not you are transgendered.

Step two isn't all that big a step. Smile or laugh as situations require. In some of my first public outings, especially daytimes, I would see some who looked twice and put on disapproving meins. I looked briefly and put on a smile. What I was saying visually was, I don't care about your opinion of me so get over it. Here I am. Sometimes I would see shock or anger and once, I was actually in the company of a fellow CD, though he was in drab, and I heard this older woman say to her husband "OH MY GOD!!! Did you see that?" I could not help myself. I burst out laughing and continued on my merry way. Whatta trip that was.

Generally most people will not notice anything amiss. They tend to see what they expect to see and as long as your appearnce and behavior fit their expectations they won't care what you are under the clothes. Relax, be kewl. Be yourself.

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Originally Posted by DawnL

I hate when I get all dressed and plan on having a day around the house and then realize there is something I need from the store. Have to change and then run the errand. It certainly is frustrating. To answer your question, do you have a local support group? A tri-Ess or something like it? It is a great way to meet people that know how you feel and gives you time as Lisa, out of the house. I have only gotten to go to the local group once, because of work schedule, but I loved it. Other than that I think it's realizing that everyone really isn't looking and commenting on you. A hard thing to overcome.

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I know what you mean about having to change clothes to go out. I used to do that too but now, mostly I just go out and do what I have to do. People who notice me usually comment, if the situation allows, on my appearance. Of course how I look today is a far cry from what I looked like in those early outings.

Smiley thoughts:

Smile - It makes people wonder
a) what you have been up to,
b) what you are thinking about them,
c) why you are smiling.

Smile - it disarms negative thoughts and confuses the thinkers .

Well I don't know if its my attitude that projects that I belong there dressed as I am or that I could give a s#*t what people think of the way I dress.. But it serves me well when I'm out enfemme... And I guess I don't notice any snickers or people talking.. Got that arogant female persona down pat!! Lol

Karren

Girl, get out there and behave as you are. People look, sometimes admiringly, sometimes not.
On occasion they are rude about whatever. Now consider being seriously disfigured or whatever that is different. Nobody looks, they look away, like with a drunk or a seriously overweight young man.
Stand up, behave like the lady you present. The old original born model. That is my method and it works for me.
The you out there is worth looking at, ignore rudeness etc. There is surely not much of it.
~Samm

I really appreciate all the replys, This is a wonderful place and everyone is great here, Its to bad the world isnt as good as it is here..;o) Thanks agian, Love Lisa....

I probably shouldn't be the one positng a reply here because I really havlen't been out in public yet. I really want to and wouldn't mind being read even but my location would create some problems for me if I were ever discovered.

Anyway I just want to share the same frustrations some of the other girls expressed here. I detest it when I have to change into male attire to go out. I am full time at home and retired so it really creeps me out to have to change.

Hey dear :) Have you ever seen the movie "The secret" ?Check it out :) A lot of what we believe will be mirrored back to us, so change the way you think, and the world around you will change to fit your thoughts :) Its a good movie, and so so true :)

Good luck hon.

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Originally Posted by Lisa Mae

So I guess my question to all of you is how to do that regardless of everyone else. I dress in femme 95% of the time because that is what makes me feel good inside. the attire dont make the person, whats inside makes you who you are. This is a daily struggle for me. Everytime I want to leave the house I have to completely change who I am because im affraid of the general public and there closed minds. This is the 21st century for god sakes, not the 1930's. Just looking for some support maybe, Im not sure, Thanks in advance for any suggestions or advice, Love Lisa Mae....;o)

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I don't know if 'regardless of everyone else' is the right attitude.
I guess it is impossible and could be sometimes even dangerous.
The question is rather: "Is what we are afraid of is actually something to be afraid of ?"
Most of the time it is not, IMO.

About 95 % of the people just won't show any noticeable reaction. Hence you can forget about those.
It is pointless to think about what they think, if the do at all.

Some will look after you or 'stare' at you. Just out of curiosity or interest. That's a quite normal reaction and nothing to be afraid of.
Take it as a compliment and smile back.
It only becomes a threat when you make it one in your mind.

Sometimes you will see people whispering.
Often it is not about you, but sometimes it is.
That's a quite normal situation too. If people see something noticeable, they will talk about it. Which doesn't mean that it is meant offensive.
Put on your inner smile and go on.

Just today I had a situation when I definitively knew that people talk about me and stared at me (a couple sitting next to my table in the coffee shop).
A few month ago it probably would have unsettled me.
Today, not anymore.
They didn't talk offensive or insulting they just talked about me and did wonder a bit.
Perfectly fine, and interesting to observe. I took it as a compliment, because they noticed me, saw who I am. That's why I go out, to be how I am, and show it, because I am proud of.

Of course, in very rare situations there is more than just curiosity, there are aspersions too. Some of them still resonate, but are they worth to deny myself ? NO !!!

I didn't had the situation yet that I had to fear to get physically attacked.
This part I try to avoid, by avoiding certain areas or streets or by changing the road, i.e. when I see a group of youngsters that could become a threat.

Baseline: Put on a smile, go out, don't be afraid, but be careful where you go.
It's a big relief and you'll learn to handle it soon.

Except for the clothes I have on, I just act as if everything else is normal. I don't try to put on a feminine voice, I don't change my mannerisms, I act as i normally do. And when I act that way, most others do too.

Over the course of 13 years I have gotten many unsolicited compliments by strangers, and one of those make up for 20 or 30 guys who yell things at me thru car windows.

I go out in public virtually every day "dressed." I never wear a wig or makeup. In short, I am a guy in female clothes. Sure, I do get some "looks." Do I care? Not only NO, but H*** No! Sometimes I get compliments on my outfits, or my shoes. BTW, I always have pink nail polish on my fingers (which are shaped like womens) and red polish on my toes which are usually visible.

You have to be confident of who you are, and not worry about others,

Sissy

More Girl than man sometimes.

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Originally Posted by Lisa Mae

I really appreciate all the replys, This is a wonderful place and everyone is great here, Its to bad the world isnt as good as it is here..;o) Thanks agian, Love Lisa....

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Dear Lisa,

I don't know what it is that you are doing wrong, but it may be your own fears that are giving you trouble. Most people just don't care what you have on, so if you are continually getting snickers and rude comments, you must be doing something to call attention to yourself.

Are you dressing appropriately? This is a biggy, hon. You need to dress exactly the same as all the other women around you. If you dress better (or "up"), people will take a second look at you, and that's what you don't want. And OMG hon, you CAN'T dress ****ty. If the women around you are wearing jeans and you are wearing a dress or skirt, you are calling attention to your self. This doesn't matter for a GG, but it does matter for us.

Second, you need to have the self confidence that says, "I am here, and I belong here". If you display any hint of embarassment or discomfort, others will pick up on that and, again, will give you a second look. Second looks are not what we want.

Thirdly, you have to SMILE. This was mentioned already in a previous post and it is really important. Women smile at men, they smile at other women, and they smile to themselves. You need a big smile and you need to use it often. Look at Karren Hutton's pictures. THAT'S what I'm talking about. She uses it all the time, and Karren has little or no trouble going anywhere she wants.

Look hon, I have a male body. I have big feet, big hands, wide shoulders, small breasts, big head, no butt, no hips, and no waist. There is no way I could "pass". Yet I live and work as a woman 24/7. I blend. I blend. I blend. I do everything I just told you about above. Most people just don't see me, because I dress and act just like all the other women around me. I'm just another woman. And those who DO see me don't care, again, because I dress and act just like all the other women around me. I'm normal! Maybe a bit boring, but normal.

And my secret weapon? My smile! I greet everyone I see with a BIG smile. A smile just like Karren's. It's really a grin. (this is not hard for me, as I am having so much fun) People usually smile back, and then I got 'em! It's really hard to be mean to someone once you have smiled at them. And a smile tells people that you are relaxed about where you are and what you are doing.

So there you have it, dear. The secrets of going out as a woman, from someone who does it all day every day.

Lovies,
Stephenie

Hi Lisa Mae,

I've found that what you believe or expect to happen has a funny habit of coming true. So, if you believe and act as if you fully expect going out to be a wonderful experience, it has a greater likelihood of actually happening. On the other hand, if you expect it to be horrible, sure enough that's what's most likely as well. What happens is that our beliefs have subtle ways of affecting our thoughts, and consequently our actions to help bring about the thing that we expect. I once heard it put this way by Zig Ziglar, a great motivational speaker: "Anything you can conceive, and truly believe, you can achieve!"

Others have called this "self-fulfilling prophecies". And I've also heard it this way: "fake it until you make it!" Enough cute sayings and quotes -you can do it, so go for it!

I believe in you!

Paula

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Originally Posted by Karren Hutton

Well I don't know if its my attitude that projects that I belong there dressed as I am or that I could give a s#*t what people think of the way I dress.. But it serves me well when I'm out enfemme... And I guess I don't notice any snickers or people talking.. Got that arogant female persona down pat!! Lol

Karren

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:iagree:I have been going out for years and I don't care want any body thinks or saids. It's my life and I'll do as I want when I want and dress how I want. In my yard out shopping or at church.

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Originally Posted by Paula Wilder

Hi Lisa Mae,

I've found that what you believe or expect to happen has a funny habit of coming true. So, if you believe and act as if you fully expect going out to be a wonderful experience, it has a greater likelihood of actually happening. On the other hand, if you expect it to be horrible, sure enough that's what's most likely as well. What happens is that our beliefs have subtle ways of affecting our thoughts, and consequently our actions to help bring about the thing that we expect. I once heard it put this way by Zig Ziglar, a great motivational speaker: "Anything you can conceive, and truly believe, you can achieve!"

Others have called this "self-fulfilling prophecies". And I've also heard it this way: "fake it until you make it!" Enough cute sayings and quotes -you can do it, so go for it!

I believe in you!

Paula

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I was in the same boat as you about a month ago, went dressed for a week,thought every one was looking at me. My SO said dont worry about it,no one really cares after 10 secs. It worked and had a great time for the next 6 days.:2c::2c::2c::2c:

It's nerve racking when u first start 2 go out in public, just keep pushin' urself though! U'll feel so much better about ur lifestyle situation. Believe me. Plus....U CAN'T KEEP A TRUE GIRL FROM SHOPPING PEOPLE!

You are always going to be worried, concerned about people around you, at least a little bit. Don't let that affect you though. I still worry when I go out but I try not to let that affect me. I do smile and enjoy myself. There are not many things better to me than walking out in the sun with a pretty, light, flowing skirt and a nice silky blouse. Wearing cute but comfortable shoes and doing my best to just flow down the sidewalk with as much grace as my 50 year old hips can muster. Enjoy yourself, try to exude confidence and humor and look people in the eye. So far it has worked for me.

Good luck

I used to fell like that when I walked by and maybe heard a giggle but I have realized that maybe they were laughing at something or else or talking about something else.

I also dont care what they say or think as long as someone doesnt cause a scene. I am not tall and have a pretty fem voice so i think I project that female side of me well, so most people dont have a clue my:2c:

Jennifer:love:

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Originally Posted by Sam-antha

Girl, get out there and behave as you are. People look, sometimes admiringly, sometimes not.
On occasion they are rude about whatever. Now consider being seriously disfigured or whatever that is different. Nobody looks, they look away, like with a drunk or a seriously overweight young man.
Stand up, behave like the lady you present. The old original born model. That is my method and it works for me.
The you out there is worth looking at, ignore rudeness etc. There is surely not much of it.
~Samm

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Good point. I work with physically and mentally handicapped young people and i am often out in public with them. they look different, act different and sound different. Most people are very supportive and understanding but you often get disapproving looks, stares and muttered comments. just ignore the meatheads, smile and enjoy yourself. no-one's going to take that away from you ...

Mitch

Lisa Mae, I am not 100% sure from your post whether you have been out in public dressed or not. Maybe your quote "Everytime I want to leave the house I have to completely change who I am" means no.
We all have different confidence levels and different CD needs, so I can't be sure I know where you are as regards presenting in public. From your avatar you look presentable to me (more so than I do) so you need not fear being a laughing stock if you go out. But the situation is of course how you feel and how much you fear.
All I can say is you will get an enormous kick out of doing it the first time. There is nothing else like it. Go for it girl.

Hello, I have been out several times, but it seems everytime I do I get the points and stares. For example I was out in guy mode with my girlfriend the other day shopping in the ladys department and there was two women talking about me/us, I know because of the pointing and whispering. I guess I just dont understand why it is anyones damn buisness what I am buying if dressed as my self which I say is Lisa or my not so fun side Tim. I just dont understand:sad: But thanks for all the replies, Sincerely,Lisa Mae