Sometimes it feels like being trans is so overwhelming, if that's a good way to describe it. I'm in the awkward position of being partially out and mostly in the closet. What this means I guess is I have a male haircut, I bind, I wear male clothes, but for the most part I haven't told people that I'm trans so god only knows what they are thinking about the changes I've been making. I'm about to start on hormone therapy. I see the endocrinologist for the initial consult two weeks from today.
As I take another step towards transition, it has brought a bundle full of feelings. I feel so trapped between the two genders right now and at times it just scares me. Like I'm worried someone will see me as male then realize later I'm not or that they will see me as female, or that the people who know I'm female will connect the dots. Most days I ask myself like what the hell are you doing making this move here? The more comfortable I become with myself being male, the more uncomfortable I feel around friends and family who don't see me that way.
I weigh coming out against not a lot, and try to pep talk myself into hanging in there. Seven months till freedom or something like that. I also am seeing that I'm becoming more resentful and angry towards people in my life. I hate the pressure to try to be something I'm not and to conform and hate that the society pressure is so intense here that coming out may be the end of it.
I'm convinced I can dress male and etc at work and they'll never say a word, and they haven't in the five months or so I've been presenting as such there, but if I was to go forth with a legal name change and ask to be recognized as male, I have a strong feeling I'd be fired or I'd be harassed to the point I couldn't continue to work there. And if I didn't think it'd be hard to find a new job here being trans I'd probably tell them where they could put there job. But beyond that there are some really rough crowd guys where I work and I'm more afraid of what they might do even if I did leave. On the other hand, I want to slug the next person to call me any sort of female related word, like ma'am, miss, etc.
In public I feel a bit at a loss too. I avoid restrooms at all costs, but when I have to it's like what do I do? If I go into women's I'm a pervert teenager or something and the women glare at me. But if I go into the men's, what if I run into someone who knows me? It's a small town it's not that unreasonable that someone I know will be there. It's the fear of both in a way, fear I'm passing, and fear I'm not passing. Anyway I know this is just all rambling, but I just feel so jumbled up right now.
I guess it just mostly makes me angry. I didn't ask to be trans gendered. I'm angry that society is so hard on us who step out of the box they try to put us in. Being female is complete misery for me and I came to that point I'd rather die then continue on being someone I'm not. I think transition though is just as bad. There's all the weirdness and the awkwardness. The having to face your family and friends and try to explain to them what it is you are doing. Dealing with being the ? mark people stare at when you are out. I keep telling myself this won't last forever, that one day people will look and see me as male and they won't know. One day it will be my secret, but right now I feel like my gender issues are on public display and I just want to dive back in the closet.
I just wish there was a way to really give non trans people a glimpse into our hearts. So they can just experience the pain so many of us have carried our entire lives with mismatched body and brain. Maybe then it wouldn't be so selfish of us, maybe then we wouldn't be such freaks, but society doesn't care much for anything they can't relate to, so I guess that will just make us the whipping boys and girls for now. I wish we were truly the country of equality and tolerance. But that's expecting way too much from people.
And god damn, how am I going to tell my mother I'm starting the hormones? :strugglin
