I know about his CDing... he doesn't know I know

I 'found' some images of my partner (we've been together for one year) and am now quite confident that he has cross-dressed in the past (and therefore is a cross-dresser). I am open-minded and would like him to share his secret. I've left openings a mile wide but he isn't 'taking the bait'. I don't want to admit that I know... because I shouldn't have looked in the first place. How can I get him to 'open' up to me? I've known for about three weeks now and sort of known for five months so I've had plenty of time to get used to the idea - reading forums and every piece of information available. I'd like to be on this 'journey' with him... perhaps he wants to keep it to himself? Any ideas how I can get him to open up? I've offered him my silk panties to wear ("I'd stretch them") and offered to paint his toenails. I'm left with the feeling that it's me visiting this thing on him rather than me helping to facilitate this part of his personality... which I'm happy to embrace! Thwarted!

Hi Maid of Honour,

You're sound like the type of lady every crossdresser hopes to meet:daydreaming:! Welcome to the forum.:love:

It may be that all you can do is keep giving your partner "openings" and let him know through your behaviour how open you are about "alternative" lifestyles.
Everyone on here would encourage restraint, if the shoe was on the other foot and he had told you, and allowing things to develop at their own pace and I think thats what you have to do.

Hope this helps.

Stella

Two ideas:

1 Just ask him, after a few glasses of wine in front of the fireplace.

2. Make up a little story to tell him about a close girl friend of yours who's SO came out to her as a cross dresser. That should lead to a good discussion of the subject, especially after you share with him how open you would be to it and why. Stress how important is was to your girl friend that her SO was so honest with her and how much she respected her SO for just being himself.

Well he's one lucky girl!! Or could be.. If he's like most of us here then he's probably a bit embarased about his "hobby" and even given the chance to wear panties or get his toes painted he may not just because he doesn't want to scare you off...

So I'd say just be straight forward and tell him you found the photos and that its ok... And see where that goes... In this case two wrongs ( he hiding his crossdressing and you snooping) could make a right for the both of you, in my humble opinion..

Hi maid of honour,
It is very difficult for any one to advise if they dont know the person concerned. He sounds very sensitive and obviously isn't ready for you to know yet otherwise he'd have taken the opening and jumped in with both feet.
Have you tried talking to him about CDing, there has been plenty on the TV and in the press lately to give you an opening. Let him know that it really wouldn't faze you having a CD partner and that you really cannot see what all the fuss is about. Point out the advantages but dont be too direct.

There is always the possibility that he really doesn't want to share it and its something that he will always keep to himself. However, I would hazard a guess that after some time hiding it and a few near misses he might change his mind.
You sound very understanding and I am sure he is aware of that. Maybe just a case of giving him time.
Best of luck
Bev

Thank you for the warm welcome Stella. Yes, you're absolutely right. I guess I have to be patient. It can't be easy... but now we both have a secret and it could potentially cause communication difficulties. We have five late teens between us so maybe it's 'on hold' for a while. although we're no spring chikens - in our forties and fifties!

Thank you for your encouragement!

Oh... thanks all for the great replies. This is what I need - plenty of background info in order to do the right thing. Sensitivity is key, and I guess I should go at his pace. All responses gratefully received. And yes, I feel bad about the snooping... horrible.

Well I wouldnt do hon, we have all done it. Its human nature.
Take care
Bev

Sometimes subtle hints dont work

you need to get a discussion going about this maybe something about a film
where you can make positive comments

This wolud let your bf know how open and accepting you are
you never know maybe he will read this thread

Maybe a candlite evening 2gether,you are the partner of many of our dreams.Its about being honest with feelings,sensitivity and hope with alot of trust

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Originally Posted by maid of honour

.... I guess I should go at his pace. ..... I feel bad about the snooping.

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Yes I agree about going at a pace both of you can handle. As for snooping I can understand a bit of that with both of you on second marriages. But there is snooping and SNOOPING if you get my drift.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by maid of honour

...I guess I have to be patient. It can't be easy... but now we both have a secret and it could potentially cause communication difficulties. We have five late teens between us so maybe it's 'on hold' for a while.

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While it may be a touchy subject and caution may be needed especially with teens in the home, I am all for open communication to keep a relationship healthy. You may just want to state that you came across something and bring up the topic and the fact that you have already done some research and do not find CDing to be a relationship road block.

Good luck with how ever it works out.

kim

with Coquette, Karen and Shelly. Get it out in the open. I can just imagine how torn he is between wanting to tell you and fear that you'll hold it over him. Sit him down, take his hand, look him in the eye and tell him you know and that you're perfectly OK with it. A good marriage is based on trust and openess. A side benefit just might be a really good session of slap and tickle afterward.:o

Just because you might think that he is shy don`t think that he is stupid, men do realise how cunning a female can be when they what to .
He might already think that you are on to him and your little innuendos are a way of trapping him in which case he will not respond to them , so that will leave you with two choice`s
just sit back and wait to see if he wants to say anything
or
just come straight out and ask if he is a cross dresser.



joanne

Hi Maid of Honour, (You must be Canadian or UK)

Welcome!

What is it that made you suspect in the first place? You can bring up your suspicions with him on some quiet evening and tell him that if he is you are okay with it and the two of you could have fun with it. I am sure it would be a relief for him not to have to keep this secret from you. It would also be a relief for you, now that you know, that he is willing to share this secret with you. If he doesn't admit it then give him some time to think about it. You may eventually have to come out and tell him that you know and how you know. How long can you last otherwise?

Bonnie

Hi , I have to agree with all of the above , and would like to add that maybe he isn`t really comfortable with himself and crossdressing and is afraid to open up to you or anyone else for that matter . For me until I admitted to myself I was a crossdresser I thought that no one would understand and everyone would run away from me screaming . I guess if you can try to go slow and keep giving him the opportunity to open up to you . I hope that all of the replies you recieve help in some way . :hugs: Tomara PS . you dont have a twin sister do you ? :heehee:

You sound like an honorable woman (it's in your name:D), so maybe it is time to do the honorable thing and tell him you know. Some suggestions...

• Select a time when the two of you can spend some quality time without interruptions. If that means sending all the kids of to sleepovers at friends or relatives, then make that arrangement.
• Set the mood. Let your partner know that your love is unconditional. Let him/her know that you value the whole person s/he is. Let her/him know that you desire to encourage and inspire them to be complete, happy and at peace.
• If you have fears or concerns or questions, talk about them. This is new to you and it would be abnormal if you did not.
• Be as prepared to forgive her/his indiscretion in not telling you as as you would expect her/his forgiveness in snooping and, in reality, not showing trust in them.
• Be willing to accept that your partners desire to dress may be something that they consider a private and personal issue, one that they do not wish to share, at least at this point of their self development. If that is the case, respect that.
• Offer to assist but don't push yourself into the situation. Pick up your cues from your partner and be willing to go at their pace. Acceptance by our loved ones is a relatively infrequent phenomenon for those of us in the trans-gender community and it sometimes takes us some time to adjust to it as well. Please be patient.

I wish you both well and I hope you partner, if they have not already joined our forum, would consider becoming a part of our family here as well.

I would seriously consider Coquette's #2 -- or maybe rent a good movie with CD's and bring it up that way. Might give you a chance to make your willingness to accept it out more obviously, without talking about him.

C.

Some CDs simply do not want to share this. They are worried about later reactions of even someone who is accepting.

Well, I agree that most of us (if not ALL of us!) want exactly what you are offering. A sympathetic ear and even more, someone with whom to share the hobby/fascination.
However, I know from personal experience that it is very hard to admit to something that is so unaccepted by our society.
Two years ago, I came out to my wife after 25 years. She had all of the usual reactions.
"Are you gay?"
"Do you want to be a woman?"
But after several talks and the passing of the 2 years, she is more and more accepting and it is thrilling for me to have someone close to me interested in it.
yesterday we even looked at shoes for me!! Might seem small, but it is a GIANT step for us. And something that 2 years ago, I could never have imagined.
My advice is to take it slow. Let her know that you are fine with it in any way that YOU are comfortable. And I think that can range from playful ("Let's play dress-up!")
to serious ("Is there anything you want to tell me? Because you CAN tell me anything").
Be aware that the great fear, at least on my part, was that I would lose the person most important to me.
Also, if it is a private thing for her, it might be comforting for her to know that that's OK as well.
You knows?! You may have found the one girl who wants to to keep it a secret!!
At any rate, best of luck to you. You are courageous and accepting and obviously feel a great deal of affection for your new girlfriend!
She is lucky!! And in time she will realize that, no matter what direction she decides to take it!

Oh, I think you could coax him into your panties if you wanted to. He may be resisting cause he's scared.

If you've given a hint or two and he hasn't gone for it he is either scared or doesn't want to share it. The whole thing is often a very secret and shameful pastime so if he isn't ready your approaches could be rather frightening. He'll be wondering what you actually do know aswell.

OK, you could try this one. Leave a very nice pastel envelope with his name on it laying on top of your things, in your drawer. Write him a simple letter that says: "I understand, and I love you." "I would like to talk to you about your other self, when you feel comfortable enough to do that; I will be here for you."

Then, sit back and give him time. Bet you get that discussion before too much time passes by.

Peace and Love, Joanie

How about this, let him know you know then offer suggestions on how to improve his appearance or that he looks good in one color but should avoid another. Offer to take him shopping.

Do you have a sister? (shameless I know but your VERY rare!)

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Originally Posted by AnnMorgan

How about this, let him know you know then offer suggestions on how to improve his appearance or that he looks good in one color but should avoid another. Offer to take him shopping.

Do you have a sister? (shameless I know but your VERY rare!)

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I agree. 2 sisters? :battingeyelashes::):o

Just be open and honest. Tell him you know and for him not to be embarrassed and that you will not tell anyone. Get his trust and let him decide.

That some CDs have a hard time accepting who they are and what they like themselves. I feel if he is pushed too much he mightnt like it. I'd be for treading carefully myself and I think the advice that Holly and a few others have given is very wise .
I think its really great that your as accepting as you are, but CDing is a very personal and private affair and I would imagine that some CDs would have as much trouble sharing and divulging all, as some GGs have in accepting their partners lifestyle. After all once its out there is no going back.
Hey girls I know alot of you are quite envious of this CD but maybe he just aint ready to spill the beans yet. Alot of guys definitely see it as a threat to their masculinity if they let their guard down and bare their soul and it does leave them rather vulnerable.
I can also appreciate that you must feel very excluded which must be very difficult because you obviously adore this guy, but I wouldn't despair, I am sure things will all work out for the best in the end. Just keep praying for the right opportunity and keep showing him how much you adore him. Once he feels more secure with who he is I am sure he will share this part of his life with you.
Take care
Bev