Something my wife said... Need Advice

Thursday night my wife was supposed to go to the fabric store with another mother in her mom's group but the other mother cancelled. So she asked if I would take her. On the way out of the driveway she said something like: I was a good husband for taking her places like we were going. That not a lot of husbands would do it. And she was pretty sure most of the husbands she knows wouldn't.

This got me thinking that it might be a good time to bring up crossdressing. I know I need to bring it up and I have let other opportunities slip by.

Some history: About 6 years ago she found a bag with pantyhose, miniskirts and some tops I didn't hide very well. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with her for days. She cut them all up into pieces and wouldn't talk about it at all, locked herself in the bathroom. I tried talking through the door. This incident was used as an excuse for starting smoking again. To make peace I promised to get rid of my stuff except some leggings and bike shorts I could wear while working out. She agreed and I did get rid of everything :( I really wish I had found a site like this back then. I was caught off guard and really didn't know how to respond to her. I knew the answers to the basic questions but still through a bathroom door was the only discussion. Except for her saying that I knew why she smoked a few times. She has since given that up before the kids.

Well about 3 years later after our son was born I had a bad case of the "want to dress" blues. One weekend when they were out of town I broke down and bought some stuff. I needed the stress outlet and it is just so darn relaxing. Now I don't get to dress very often at all. I think my attitude refelcts this as she has told me at times that I am being an as$#@le and I am pretty sure I know why.

I know she isn't going to want to hear about it again. A lot in our lives have changed, 2 kids now and we are older.

Does anyone have any advice as to how to approach this conversation? Topics I should steer clear of, etc.

Hugs,
Tabitha.

From the sounds of it, going by the way she reacted the first time, you may want to really think it over before you tell her. Both of your lives will change at that point and not necessarily for the better. It could be the beginning of the end. Just my :2c:

I just don't know how to help when I came out to my wife she had all the questions and was Ok with it. She said she knows it's who I an it's a part of me she knows it won't go away. I think your only hope to to get her to get some info. on cross dressing hun. :hugs:
Angie

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Originally Posted by karynspanties

From the sounds of it, going by the way she reacted the first time, you may want to really think it over before you tell her. Both of your lives will change at that point and not necessarily for the better. It could be the beginning of the end. Just my :2c:

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Yep!!!
Mine reacted in a similar way when she first discovered my "little secret" and now she,s my "ex" wife!!

It sounds like you are not in a very good position to start the talk. The first thing that i would recommend is to read this post
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...ad.php?t=13841
Marla has is very wise about this. Read her psot and think it over alot.

The treat you wife like the total God that she is, make sure that your marriage is at a very happy and stable time. Then step into the fire VERY carefully. It can be a dangerous place. Be sure that you are ready to answer the question and deal with the fallout.

You never know how this conversation will end. It could go well, but on the other hand it also could end in divorce. You and your wife are the only ones that will know the answer to that.

But do read Marla's post. She has been thru it all and can give you a better understanding how you wife will feel and what she will be going thru.

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Originally Posted by karynspanties

From the sounds of it, going by the way she reacted the first time, you may want to really think it over before you tell her. Both of your lives will change at that point and not necessarily for the better. It could be the beginning of the end. Just my :2c:

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Because of some of the comments my wife has made on the subject, I figure I'll be in the same boat if it ever comes out.

So - I just keep it a secret. Not Good, I know.

Meanwhile, I'm waiting for my next e-bay purchase to arrive.

So who am I really kidding?

I think we both have some talking to do, huh?

Taking scissors and cutting up clothes is a pretty strong statement of something but I am not sure what. However, you are quite right to proceed with caution here.

Based on the shopping comment, you might want to consider talking about gender instead of dressing. You may find that she is very drawn to you as a person and that your TG is large factor in that. Somewhere along the way, clothing has to come into it, but maybe not right away. Build a good base first.

So she is the type to throw tantrums when she is hearing something she doesn't want to. Sounds like my wife.

Well since she has already been thru the initial shock of learning about it, it is not new news. YOu have that going for you.

If you do bring it up again, things shouldn't go as rough.

First thing you might want to do is figure out if divorce is feasible. Then, if so, talk to her about this politely, and just tell her "This is something I enjoy, If you think it will be too big a problem then maybe we should split up." But don't say anything like "I really don't want to but if that is what it takes" Stand your ground and make it sound like you are ready if it comes.

It is not real likely she will want to leave. You said you two are older [but what age bracket?], she has 2 kids which she will probably get custody of, and no guy is going to want to marry a woman lugging around 2 young kids.
She knows this and is not likely to leave a good husband. Unless she is failry young [20's] and really hot looking. Even then she probably won't want to chance things.

AND if worst came to worst, and you two do divorce, there will be some hard times but that will pass. You will adjust.

Someone on this forum wrote something like "You won't believe how quickly life becomes fun again after a divorce".

Don't keep it a secret.

First, read everything on this site about coming out to your spouse. Think about it very carefully, for several days. Reread everything and make sure you understand everything that's being said. Don't blindly take advice though. Read the advice and then do what's best for you.

Make sure she understands that you love her more than anything. Make sure that she knows that you've tried to give this up for her sake, but that it just isn't possible for you, or any crossdresser to do this. Make sure that she knows that when you cut yourself off from this, you unintentionally compensate by doing ugly things. Make sure that she knows that confronting this and dealing with it is best for you, best for her, best for your marriage, and best for your kids. None of this will be easy. In fact, it will be one of the hardest things you've ever done.

The way I started the conversation with my spouse is by saying this. "I have to tell you something about myself. It's not bad. It's more embarrassing than anything else. ... " My wife, however, is not prone to emotional outbursts, so in that sense I had it easier than you.

Good luck to you. I wish you both all the love in the world.

Be sure to take any opportunity afforded you to comment on fabrics she looks at or that you see that intrigue you. Try taking any opening she gives to voice your opinion about color, weight, texture, softness etc. Use this trip to maybe open a dialogue but not specifically about YOUR crossdressing. Try a third person concept- that you heard that some men are open to what is usually termed feminine fabrics for shirts etc. Start slow and very innocuously.

That's how I told my wife on our wedding night and it turned out wonderfully! It may not work for you as she may not pick up on your true interest, but try it.

Be sure to go with her whenever she makes a "girltime" trip.

Little by little she should start to see a difference in you that she may begin to relish even though you have been together a while already.

just my :2c:

Tabitha, I am a well known advocate of being honest and truthful with our partners. I would give you the same advice. The comment your wife made could be a good place to begin. Tell her how good it made you feel to hear her say it. Then go on tell her that you are glad you are not like other husbands who would not do things like this with their wives. Let the conversation move naturally from there. Please keep in mind that this is only a recommendation. You and your wife are a unique unit and what worked for me or anyone else on this forum may not necessarily work with you. But this much I do know; it is not healthy for you to keep hiding this from her, and it is not healthy for the survival of your relationship to keep this (or any other secret) from your partner. I wish you the very best.

By far the most difficult thing I have ever done was come out to my wife after being married for 21 years. It was a conversation that should have taken place before we ever got serious but for whatever reason I just couldn't do it. When I finally did there was all the expected strong emotions and some that I didn't expect. As she said it wasn't so much the dressing as it was the deceit, lying by ommission, and breach of trust. Some couples get past it, most don't. We were very lucky and now my femme self is just another facet of our relationship. That said, it doesn't sound like your wife is willing or able to deal with this very well. Personally I would tell her, the sooner the better, in a non threatening way. Don't be dressed when you do but do be prepared for the full fury of a woman deceived. When the secret comes out there's no going back to what most consider a "normal" marriage. It's going to come down to the strength of the relationship and her ability to forgive and accept. I wish you luck.

As well as all the good advice you have already been given

Think about this

It may be useful to tell her how hard you tried not do dress but its something you find it difficult not to do over a long period of time

Going slow is the best thing you can do try to go at the pace she wants

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Originally Posted by Cathytg

Taking scissors and cutting up clothes is a pretty strong statement of something but I am not sure what. However, you are quite right to proceed with caution here.

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Speaking from the GG perspective, her reaction there was quite over the top.

I think what most men have to realize before telling the significant other in their lives is how strong are you in your relationship. Is there that true understanding of each other? or has there been instances where she feels alone, or not supported, or even unloved.

When we feel any of the above situations, it will make it all that more difficult to be accepting, we will close our minds, instead of listening. We will react instead of letting there be an 'inter-action' between us.

Learning to accept your crossdressing probably was in ways difficult for you, yourself. So know that she will have all those feelings regarding her own sexuality, she will need to know how you percieve her, does her role change, will you still love her. and if she is in anyway insecure, your crossdressing will manifest into being an issue.

It takes a lot of talk, a lot of communication, so before you go and test the waters, make sure that you connect as a couple. Since you also have young children, that is also a time in a woman's life that is full of stress full moments.

My thoughts for you at the moment, is to truly work on building her self confidence in the relationship, letting her know your their backing her so when you express your needs she'll be there wanting to be understanding of you.

Well that's my :2c: and go slow!

"You're very welcome, Dear, for the ride to the fabric store. I don't mind doing it because I like to crossdress. And you see, it's because of that that I have this softer side to me that you seem to like so much. Anyway...."

I dunno....It might not be the greatest idea.

Just my :2c:.

I am not one to get advise from since I waited 19 years to tell my wife. If I had it to do over I would have told her before we got engaged, I did owe her that. I hterefore advocate for full disclosure at the earliest time and to let the chips fall where they may. Of course what ever you do don't take my advise.

Its been almost a year come this 08 Halloween, she freaked when I finally told her, but in my case she wanted to know what was going on, of course after I told her, she was, let's say ill with the whole CD issue. As I sit and write this, we have been going to a sex counselor and its about 20 percent better, I would dress on Halloween, and tell her later on that weekend, if she wants you she will stay, mine is still here.

Well, mine stayed for about 9 or 10 months. Planning and scheming. She left with the new car, everything in the house, and all the money. Told everyone and still wants more.

I believe in being very honest and open, which is admittedly tough after so many years. In your case, after what you had mentioned about her previous reaction, it sounds like it would be extremely tough to open up about it. But in a relationship such as a marriage, I think you owe it to her. I question the real strength of your marriage, with the reaction she had, as it appears there is something much more than the crossdressing that was bothering her.

I'm not married, so a lot of this is easy for me to say. I find it very difficult to tell a new girlfriend about this, but I think it is very important to do it relatively early in a relationship (not necessarily the first date, but within the first few). My feeling now is that cross-dressing is a very important part of me, that I cannot just choose to get rid of, even if I really wanted to. So it is very important to me that I be honest with a woman I am starting a relationship with. But also, do I really want a relationship with a woman who cannot accept this part of me? I don't think so. So at the risk of losing a relationship, I try to discuss it early on. Not such an easy thing to do years into a relationship.

Good luck.

[SIZE="4"]My ex-wife finally confronted me about my cross dressing (8 years ago) - asking if it was just a sexual experiment or was I an addicted cross-dresser. I explained I was finally coming out, that I am a TG wanting in the worst way to transition to a woman. This resulted in a divorce. Even though we were married for almost three decades - the force of living in the gender I belong in took the majority vote. Believe me that was a heart wrenching decision. Any girl having a spouse that accepts their CD/TV/TS status should consider themselves extremely lucky.

Older Andrea[/SIZE]

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Originally Posted by MlleErin

First thing you might want to do is figure out if divorce is feasible. Then, if so, talk to her about this politely, and just tell her "This is something I enjoy, If you think it will be too big a problem then maybe we should split up." But don't say anything like "I really don't want to but if that is what it takes" Stand your ground and make it sound like you are ready if it comes.

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I agree about being open and honest, as many have said here. Also be respectful and considerate of her feelings. I wouldn't approach it as in the above quote. Rather I would phrase it more like "if this is a problem for you can we try to work it out". In other words, rather than thinking of divorce as the first option, think of working on your relationship.

That's my :2c:

ask her for shaving tips, let her into your world, a beautiful woman is nothing to discard. dont we know? give her the respect you would want in her place. talk to her.

There are some very good tips coming from the group here. The common message is communication, irrespective of the potential negativity coming from the interaction. The link to Marla is exceptionally good and the advice from this site is nothing short of encouraging. No two situations or people are really ever the same, but dont dispair. I also agree with Andrea that anyone having an accepting SO is extremely lucky, coz I certainly am after years of living a dual life and finally coming out with it. Luck has to worked at, and the harder you work at it the better your luck. Her feelings are paramount and so are yours. You are together for a reason and now have two lives that you have brought into the world to consider, one of the greatest gifts we can have bestowed on us. These sorts of things are never easy, but its how you come out of it at the other end that counts. Think it through, then have the dialogue and I wish you well.

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Originally Posted by Raychel

It sounds like you are not in a very good position to start the talk. The first thing that i would recommend is to read this post
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...ad.php?t=13841
Marla has is very wise about this. Read her psot and think it over alot.

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After I posted this message I spent the next 2 hours reading that post and all the links included in it. I am completely comfortable with who I am now. Three years ago when it hit me again and I couldn't shake the urge I looked into Tri-Ess, they are wonderful and whenever I tell her I have a few people to help support me. I know all the answers to the questions I will be asked.

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Originally Posted by Raychel

You never know how this conversation will end. It could go well, but on the other hand it also could end in divorce. You and your wife are the only ones that will know the answer to that.

But do read Marla's post. She has been thru it all and can give you a better understanding how you wife will feel and what she will be going thru.

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I recently had some stuff in my drawers in my dresser. Mainly exercise clothes, some womans sports tops, leotards, tights. Some stuff I am not supposed to have. One day after I got home she was pissed, not sure why she wouldn't say. Found most of my stuff gone. It was in a bin at the top of the closet not chopped to pieces. I think she has realized that I won't stop, but haven't talked about this at all.

Hugs,
Tabitha.

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Originally Posted by Cathytg

Taking scissors and cutting up clothes is a pretty strong statement of something but I am not sure what. However, you are quite right to proceed with caution here.

Based on the shopping comment, you might want to consider talking about gender instead of dressing. You may find that she is very drawn to you as a person and that your TG is large factor in that. Somewhere along the way, clothing has to come into it, but maybe not right away. Build a good base first.

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I have thought about saying I have a femmine side. I think she knows this as I started growing my hair out about 2 years ago. I think she thinks I spend too much time with it :) First time I put it in a pony tail she was like what is that, after a day or two she didn't care. Same with a hair clip and a headband. The flat iron she freaked about but it is still in the bathroom but I know she doesn't like it, don't know why.

I have always let my nails grow a little longer too. I type all the time and can't stand short nails, somethimes they get too long 2/8-1/4".

I think she has mellowed out but I don't know for sure. Maybe I could try something new and see what she says.

Hugs,
Tabitha.

I told my wife in 1981 after 10yrs of marriage. She does not want to have anything to do with my dressing. I have accepted that. I have had friends that when the wife found out, the marriage ended. I think if we hadnt had children then (2) she would have left. We have 5 know and we work things out.