Coming out to mom or dad

Hey everyone im 21 yrs old and live with my parents. I have a gay brother but he lives far away. Ive been crossdressing since i was around 15. Mainly wearing my moms clothing and makeup. I have some of my own thongs and lipstick. Lately ive had more interest into looking more like a woman. I only dress up at home in my room or where ever is appropriate. I have worn my thongs under my regular clothing for household chores and even going out shopping or at school. Also lately ive really wanted to tell my mom that i crossdress but has proven to be very difficult. I just look at her and feel i cant tell her cause i dont wanna disappoint her. I tried 4 times yesterday and once today but still cant do it. Well a little while ago ive decided my father might be better in telling my secret. My mom is loving and accepting of my brother and my dad is too. But my mom has a tendency to yell and go crazy when some bad or well interesting news happens. As with my dad he is alot more reasonable. So im wondering if anybody can give me words of wisdom. Ive looked at stories of coming out on here and also on the web. But given my situation i want a opinion. Thanks and if you have any questions let me know.

Hi,

Its a hard step to take. I was around 37 when I told both parents and they are still not comfortable with the idea. But the good news is they didn't disown me.

The news initially caused some grief, as both parents felt they somehow raised me wrong. I just kept reminding them I was the same old person they always knew and loved. All that really changed was what they knew about me.

For myself, I am quite comfortable with the notion that I am a guy and plan on staying that way despite what I am wearing. That was another thing I had to remind my parents as they seemed to think I was going to change into another person, or that I was going to start dating other men. I am actually heterosexual but my mother still thinks I'm gay.

One thing's for sure. Regardless of how your parents take the news, your mother is probably going to cut you off from her stuff. After all, it's hers! You will have to get your own clothes. (That's the fun part.)

Be prepared for some rough waves for a little while, but they usually settle down. And keep in mind, you really aren't doing anything wrong. Just be yourself.

Don't tell them quite yet. You need to do some damage control groundwork first, and I'll get to that. When you finally do tell them, don't just out and out tell a family member and leave it hanging there like a mushroom cloud in the room. Get prepared. Get some literature about it, either online or buy it at a bookstore. And don't tell your mom that you're wearing her stuff (see the other thread about women going ballistic when they find that one out); tell her you want to start 'occasionally' wearing cute girl clothes. They're first idea is that you are gay (which is o.k. if you are, but then you're probably dealing with other problems as well), and you're going to have a tough time if you try arguing against that idea all on your own. Have resources available; there are lots of places, here being one of them, for family members of crossdressers. There are even support groups out there for them (and you), if you're near a larger city. Now, I think that before you do any of this, you should slowly 'feel them out' about how they might respond, because there's no putting the toothpaste back into the tube once it's out. Relationships have been destroyed, families split apart over this, in large numbers. My advice is, wait a while. Maybe once every few weeks, bring home a dvd with a character that crossdresses and see how they respond. Don't start out with any where the characters are gay unless you are!. 'Some like it hot' is a real classic, and won't scare them. I know 'Tootsie' is a really good one because it portrays a perfectly straight guy who is really, really good at looking like, and acting like a woman without him being gay. You can even use that one, watch it one day, maybe rewind the scene where he's transforming himself (you can always say you're amazed at how someone can do that, and appear interested in the process more than the actual result), then a couple days later show up at home with some of your girl things (make sure they look like you just bought them!), trying them on, saying you got the idea from the movie (perhaps not true, but lots of society likes to blame the media on people's behavior, so let that concept work for you). Say it looked like fun so you wanted to try it out. Who knows, maybe mom will even help you with your makeup. Don't start out with a bra, that kind of makes it look like you want to be a woman (which is o.k, but not to let them know that too soon). Start with the 'metrosexual' look, eyeliner, nail polish, etc.. then you can slowly graduate to more female stuff, thongs, panties but 'boy shorts' style girl panties are the best to start with. You want to allow them to ease into this rather than just come home in a wig, make up and a wedding dress. If you are in the practice of bringing home magazines such as maxim, stuff, playboy, etc, continue to do so and make them an obvious part of your environment, it helps the image of heterosexuality being a constant even while you're slowly embracing your female image. For the moment, avoid having anything like Cosmo, Glamour or Vogue, and don't even consider Seventeen. You want it to appear that the female clothing is just something you are playing with. I'm sure a lot of others will chime in with their ideas. But take it slooooooooow.

it's never easy telling anyone. but as you said your mom and dad are somewhat accepting. you have to get up the courage. and tell them hey you have a gay brother for crying out loud and all you do is wear a dress !!!! your so lucky just do it talk with them ..

You said that you are living at home. If you were to tell them, and they didn't take it very well, would you still feel comfortable living there? They might make it very difficult for you. I would think about this before telling them, and maybe wait until you move out. Like you said, your mom "has a tendency to yell and go crazy when some bad or well interesting news happens."

Answer is simple - talk to your dad first. At least you will have him on your side. Find out his opinion on how to approach mom.
If this were my son I would rather he talk to me first, as I tend to be the calm reasonable one between me and my wife/his mom.

There's a Stickie thread at the top of the M2F section entitled How to Tell Your Partner. It has valuable advice that IMO applies to telling any loved one, even parents. It is well worth reading!

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Originally Posted by teamlosi

Hey everyone im 21 yrs old and live with my parents. I have a gay brother but he lives far away. Ive been crossdressing since i was around 15. Mainly wearing my moms clothing and makeup. I have some of my own thongs and lipstick. Lately ive had more interest into looking more like a woman. I only dress up at home in my room or where ever is appropriate. I have worn my thongs under my regular clothing for household chores and even going out shopping or at school. Also lately ive really wanted to tell my mom that i crossdress but has proven to be very difficult. I just look at her and feel i cant tell her cause i dont wanna disappoint her. I tried 4 times yesterday and once today but still cant do it. Well a little while ago ive decided my father might be better in telling my secret. My mom is loving and accepting of my brother and my dad is too. But my mom has a tendency to yell and go crazy when some bad or well interesting news happens. As with my dad he is alot more reasonable. So im wondering if anybody can give me words of wisdom. Ive looked at stories of coming out on here and also on the web. But given my situation i want a opinion. Thanks and if you have any questions let me know.

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This sounds Like when I told My mom and dad. I WAS 21 1991. I could not tell her or dad , what I did is I left my night gown on my bed before I went to work. It took 3 day before mom found it. LOL . sorry I am reliving it. I was watching T.V and she came up to me (with THE night gown in her hands) and said with a huge smile on her face "who's night gown is this" I looked at her and said "oh that's mine" her face went blank she went white and said"will talk about this later". I know I should not laugh but it was something you only see in the movies. That night when dad got home we talked . They did not like it one bit but they still loved me. Mom to this day still hates it and dad's getting better with it, I can at lest talk to him (or cry to him ) about it. OH did I mention that in 98 New Years eye My sis came out to me saying she's was Bi. turn out she was just Gay.She did want to know how I told them , but the way I did would not help her. SO we have the same prob, But you have the advantage your bro has allready paved the way for you. At least most of it. You could do what I did , Or you could look up all the info you need . It all come's down to you . What would make you feel better. I think you should tell you'r dad frist. You'll will be surprized on how good people will take it. The ones you think will be ok with might hate it the most and the people you think will FILP out could be you biggest defender. That is the way with me . I thought my mom woud be ok with it and dad would hate it .just the oppeset happed. With all my friends and family. Every body in my famliy and my friends all know, the only two hold out's are my parents , BUT THEY STILL LOVE ME. That is key. so go for it hun it should be ok. well good luck and keep me updated . I want to here how it worked out . :hugs::canada:

well thanks all of you for your opinion on this. I know both my parents would love me no matter what i was into. And my brother was 24 and living with them when he told them. Mom and Dad just got a new perspective on my brother. I shouldnt have said my mom has a tendency to yell, well she does under really bad circumstances. I cant find a word to describe my mom. My brother also has aspergers syndrome. A form of autism. I dunno why but one day he blamed my mom on it. Oh my gosh what a storm that was. (That was before he came out about being gay) My mom yelling and crying, it was not a pretty sight. I dont blame my mom at all. I love the way i came out. Im just a regular guy but with a twist. I wanted to tell my mom cause dad is out of town for the last couple days. But as some of you said just tell my dad first and see what he says on coming out to mom. My dad is just a laid back kinda guy. he is a nuclear engineer so very nerdy. But i love him no matter what anyways. So when he comes back from traveling i hope we might have some alone time so that i can tell him.

sorry i should have posted this in the last post of mine. Are you talking about leaving a playboy out in like my room so my parents think im just into girls? My mom always told me she would kick me outta the house if she ever found me looking at porn or if i had porn in the house. well i do have a stash hidden. but she hasnt gone into my room really since we moved her.

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Originally Posted by sometimes_miss

Don't tell them quite yet. You need to do some damage control groundwork first, and I'll get to that. When you finally do tell them, don't just out and out tell a family member and leave it hanging there like a mushroom cloud in the room. Get prepared. Get some literature about it, either online or buy it at a bookstore. And don't tell your mom that you're wearing her stuff (see the other thread about women going ballistic when they find that one out); tell her you want to start 'occasionally' wearing cute girl clothes. They're first idea is that you are gay (which is o.k. if you are, but then you're probably dealing with other problems as well), and you're going to have a tough time if you try arguing against that idea all on your own. Have resources available; there are lots of places, here being one of them, for family members of crossdressers. There are even support groups out there for them (and you), if you're near a larger city. Now, I think that before you do any of this, you should slowly 'feel them out' about how they might respond, because there's no putting the toothpaste back into the tube once it's out. Relationships have been destroyed, families split apart over this, in large numbers. My advice is, wait a while. Maybe once every few weeks, bring home a dvd with a character that crossdresses and see how they respond. Don't start out with any where the characters are gay unless you are!. 'Some like it hot' is a real classic, and won't scare them. I know 'Tootsie' is a really good one because it portrays a perfectly straight guy who is really, really good at looking like, and acting like a woman without him being gay. You can even use that one, watch it one day, maybe rewind the scene where he's transforming himself (you can always say you're amazed at how someone can do that, and appear interested in the process more than the actual result), then a couple days later show up at home with some of your girl things (make sure they look like you just bought them!), trying them on, saying you got the idea from the movie (perhaps not true, but lots of society likes to blame the media on people's behavior, so let that concept work for you). Say it looked like fun so you wanted to try it out. Who knows, maybe mom will even help you with your makeup. Don't start out with a bra, that kind of makes it look like you want to be a woman (which is o.k, but not to let them know that too soon). Start with the 'metrosexual' look, eyeliner, nail polish, etc.. then you can slowly graduate to more female stuff, thongs, panties but 'boy shorts' style girl panties are the best to start with. You want to allow them to ease into this rather than just come home in a wig, make up and a wedding dress. If you are in the practice of bringing home magazines such as maxim, stuff, playboy, etc, continue to do so and make them an obvious part of your environment, it helps the image of heterosexuality being a constant even while you're slowly embracing your female image. For the moment, avoid having anything like Cosmo, Glamour or Vogue, and don't even consider Seventeen. You want it to appear that the female clothing is just something you are playing with. I'm sure a lot of others will chime in with their ideas. But take it slooooooooow.

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It would help if you knew what she thought of as 'porn'. Back in the 60's, yes, playboy was 'porn'. Now it gets sold right next to Car and Driver magazine. But if men's magazines aren't part of your every day stuff that she can see, I wouldn't recommend playboy. Maxim or Stuff should be alright, though. Let your dad see it first and see his reaction; it'll probably be either 'wow, look who's on the cover this month', or 'Oh, Christ, don't let your mother see this', and that'll pretty much give you the best idea of which way to go. I don't think maxim was ever even considered porn, but you never know what she thinks. The sports illustrated swimsuit edition would be a good addition as well. If your mom gets a victoria's secret catalog, borrow that and conveniently leave it in your room (or bathroom if your family uses that as a reading room) right on top or underneath the maxim (or maxim generic equivelent) so that they appear together. Sure, it's easier since they've already dealt with the fact that your brother is gay, but you will need to help them understand that your situation is different.

I really think that considering how your parents are accepting of a gay son they should be totally accepting of a CDing son. If you really think that your dad would be easiest to speak to first then it makes sense that that is who you should speak to first. Let you dad know that you need his support in this and that you would appreciate him helping to keep your mom from freaking out would be immensly helpful to your personal growth. In the end it really comes down to what you feel comfortable with honestly some of us would be extremely lucky to have parents like yours as they accept a gay son.

I came out to my mom about 10 years ago. I was already living on my own. It was harder for me to tell her than I think it was for her to hear it. She had a pretty good idea since I had been dressing in her house and in her cloths since I was around 8 or 9. She had a ton of questions that thankfully I was prepared to answer. All she really ever said was she didn't want to hear anymore about it.

I will say this about the whole topic and idea. Make sure that you are ready to tell your parents. They are apt to have many questions and as most everybody else said they may not take it so well initially. Also be sure that you are ready to answer tough questions.

Teamlosi, I would not leave out any porn. If your afraid to talk to your parents, and you have a right to be afraid, there are other ways of dropping hints. I may get blasted by the other ladies here but it is what it is. If it were me, I would make sure the top of my panties were visible at the waistband of my pants. Not alot, just enough to be noticed. Maybe the slight hint of an outline of a bra strap or a cami under a shirt. Something of that nature. If your asked by mom or dad if your wearing womens things, that's the ice breaker. But I only would do it this way if you are absolutley sure that your too afraid to approach them first. And by the way, I race Associated!!!:thumbsup:

Hey its nice to hear other crossdressers enjoy rc. I started with traxxas and still have my 1st nitro truck. Just teamlosi is a little bit better in qaulity i guess. Well anyways ive thought of leaving hints. I wear a thong almost everyday know. And even though im careful, maybe one day mom or dad will notice. Also to reply to another post it doesnt matter that playboy is next to other generic magazines but its still really porn. Besides i already have a couple subsriptions to import tuner and super street. So i know my mom and dad know that im into what most guys are into.

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Originally Posted by karynspanties

Teamlosi, I would not leave out any porn. If your afraid to talk to your parents, and you have a right to be afraid, there are other ways of dropping hints. I may get blasted by the other ladies here but it is what it is. If it were me, I would make sure the top of my panties were visible at the waistband of my pants. Not alot, just enough to be noticed. Maybe the slight hint of an outline of a bra strap or a cami under a shirt. Something of that nature. If your asked by mom or dad if your wearing womens things, that's the ice breaker. But I only would do it this way if you are absolutley sure that your too afraid to approach them first. And by the way, I race Associated!!!:thumbsup:

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Short and sweet answer.. try testing the waters a little or dropping hints or showing some kind of gender variance to gauge your mom/dad's reaction.

And don't get down on yourself for not being open with it just yet. I've been crossdressing since I was 15 also and I just (at 22 years old) told my mother and brother, and it still took me forever once I knew my mother figured it out anyway.

You can also join the young member's section too and ask there as well if you want more of a peer perspective.

[QUOTE=teamlosi;1487427]Hey everyone im 21 yrs old and live with my parents. I have a gay brother but he lives far away. Ive been crossdressing since i was around 15. Mainly wearing my....

I only recently told my mum ( my dad's passed away)and i'm 41. We live a ways from each other, but she was fantastic about it. I secretly new that she probably would be, but it was such a shock to hear myself say it. I showed her some photo's and she said i looked just like her when she was the same age! I wish i'd told her years ago. I nearly told her when i was 17 but chickened out.

Ask yourself deep down inside how they will react. I reckon you know the answer to that already. They're your parents,- when, and if, you ever have children you'll realise that your love for your children is unconditional and that nothing changes that.- whatever your children tell you.

Only you can know truly how they may react. Good Luck xx:)

I also agree.
It those types of magazines are not part of your everyday thing ten don't going buying them for display especially if your mom its to thrilled having them around.

Going the clothes wearing "opps" you found me out is one way if your not big on confrontations but it can also back fire because you will not know when it happens or what mood the person seeing it is in that day. And also consider that even if they see it, they still may not comment on it to you but talk to each other.

It would be better if you told them together & here is why:

1) You are betting on the fact that your dad will be cool with it. If he does a 180 on you then you may have a tougher time with your mom.

2) Even if your dad is cool with it, your mom may feel threatened if its a two on one [you & dad telling her]
She will probably also be upset or even pissed that you felt you needed dad as backup to tell her & she very well may be hurt to think that you felt you could not tell her without him, or tell her first.

You do have a big plus in that they accepted your brother.
If you feel uncomfortable doing the serious talk.

You can always go the Doomsday route. Hear me out**.
How do you make someone happy to lose a toe?
You tell them the leg has to come off first.

Tell them you want to talk to both of them together about something important & personal about you.
Set it up for the next day. This gives them that night & all of the next day to dream up the worst.
Once they hear that "the big thing" is that you are just a CD they will probably be relived because it wasn't what they though it would be, which is usually something way worse.
[ie: their only losing a toe not their leg.]

[**YES, I know it isn't exactly the right thing to do & sounds underhanded & sleazy, but it may help him out.]

I've been divorced for close to 5 years now and recently told my two children that I'm a crossdresser. I find personally, that writing is a better way to communicate things to other people that may be emotionally difficult to say. If people get upset over certain topics easily, I find writing a letter in a loving and logical manner is easier to communicate your feelings and thoughts without causing a rukus.

First off they read the letter and since your not around they can't yell at you and say your a freak, all they can do is read the letter and absorb your words. If you write with love they will respond with love, they have time to think and respond.

If you are having problem with finding the moment to speak or tell them, take the time to write your thoughts down and leave them a letter to read when you go to work. Both my children responded with loving acceptance. Search my threads for "emailed my daughter" and "Oop's I did it again" to read the thread's. May give a suggestion on how to broach the subject with your Mom and Dad (your Family). Good luck and remember your parents love you and will always love you. :battingeyelashes:

ok, well I still believe i will come out to my dad first. I just dont know when. Thank you all for the advice.

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Originally Posted by sometimes_miss

It would help if you knew what she thought of as 'porn'. Back in the 60's, yes, playboy was 'porn'. Now it gets sold right next to Car and Driver magazine. But if men's magazines aren't part of your every day stuff that she can see, I wouldn't recommend playboy. Maxim or Stuff should be alright, though. Let your dad see it first and see his reaction; it'll probably be either 'wow, look who's on the cover this month', or 'Oh, Christ, don't let your mother see this', and that'll pretty much give you the best idea of which way to go. I don't think maxim was ever even considered porn, but you never know what she thinks. The sports illustrated swimsuit edition would be a good addition as well. If your mom gets a victoria's secret catalog, borrow that and conveniently leave it in your room (or bathroom if your family uses that as a reading room) right on top or underneath the maxim (or maxim generic equivelent) so that they appear together. Sure, it's easier since they've already dealt with the fact that your brother is gay, but you will need to help them understand that your situation is different.

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Sorry if this seems rude but WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH CROSSDRESSING. whether or not your gay or not does not have anything about telling the perents . Puting out any porno has nothing to do with it, It might and I beleve it will make things worse. If I ofended anyone I am sorry. It just made me mad of the BAD advice about the Porn.

Good luck on telling your perents HUN HUGGS. :hugs::canada:

Amazingly, I'm stuck in pretty much the same situation as you. But, my mother has a really nasty sense of humor that tends to hurt others, and is an over the top anger management class that is waiting to happen. I just don't like the jokes that she passes between her and my brother (whom is also gay)... I semi-sorta crossed for halloween and she didn't spit acid, but I know that there's a difference between halloween fun, and actuality. Maybe just inch things out one at a time like I have been kind of doing? That's about the best advice I can offer. I'm deffinitley interested to see how things turn out for you, though. Good luck :)

just a thought, next time you are out shopping for clothes with your mom wander off into the juniors department and come back with a nice pair of jeans and a top, nothing too feminine. if she says, "but those are girls' clothes." tell her you know but that is want you like. then each time you do it you can buy more and more feminine clothes. you'll be building a great wardrobe and slowly altering how you appear to others in general.

good luck, take it slow and enjoy yourself.

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Originally Posted by teamlosi

Hey everyone im 21 yrs old and live with my parents. I have a gay brother but he lives far away. Ive been crossdressing since i was around 15. Mainly wearing my moms clothing and makeup. I have some of my own thongs and lipstick. Lately ive had more interest into looking more like a woman. I only dress up at home in my room or where ever is appropriate. I have worn my thongs under my regular clothing for household chores and even going out shopping or at school. Also lately ive really wanted to tell my mom that i crossdress but has proven to be very difficult. I just look at her and feel i cant tell her cause i dont wanna disappoint her. I tried 4 times yesterday and once today but still cant do it. Well a little while ago ive decided my father might be better in telling my secret. My mom is loving and accepting of my brother and my dad is too. But my mom has a tendency to yell and go crazy when some bad or well interesting news happens. As with my dad he is alot more reasonable. So im wondering if anybody can give me words of wisdom. Ive looked at stories of coming out on here and also on the web. But given my situation i want a opinion. Thanks and if you have any questions let me know.

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Lots of good advice above.

My thought on the matter: are you going to stay at home for a few years? If you are then you need to talk with your Dad, because sooner or later you'll be found out (an article of clothing not put away, mum opening drawers in your room to put laundry away and finding lingerie, etc etc...) and it would be better if being a CD was something disclosed under YOUR control than by accidental exposure with all the emotional upset that can cause.

If you are planning to move out in the next year I'd be inclined to NOT tell them until after you have moved out. Then - if your parents have an adverse reaction to your news - you don't have to live with the emotional fallout.

Just a thought.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

xx
Sarah