Malls are so different than...

I have been out about 15 or so times in the past 2 months. In those 2 months I have had a few people read me and nudge the others in the group. Most of the people have been nice.

Last night when I went out, it seemed like I saw everything mentioned in this group.

1) I had 2 women walking toward me and I never noticed either of them looking at me. Then out of the blue as the women passed, one blurted out "Oh my GOSH! (Bursting out laughing) Now I can't swear that they were discussing me, but it seemed to be the main point of their comments. It could also my feeling of being different coming through.
2) Everyone else was very nice to me and just went about their business. Until I met this middle aged woman walking toward me on a cell phone. As she got closer to me, I noticed her eyes checking me out from the shoes up. That was creepy. I know it is normal, but I now understand how women feel being checked out.
3) Later I went to JC Penney to find a few tops for winter. Since I have never been out in winter and it gets really cold here, I needed some warmer clothes. I tried a few things on, but the woman working the department would never check me out. You could tell that she was watching me, but I wasn't doing anything other than buying clothes. She was just rude and I didn't have time to be bothered by her.
4) I needed to go grocery shopping, but didn't want to get to Walmart too early. So since Kohl's was still open I decided to see if I could find a top or two. I was able to shop without being bothered. I found a nice cardigan sweater which was very cute and decided to buy it. Headed to the cashier and paid for my items with a credit card. Immediately the cashier asked to see my ID to verify who I was. WOW very awkward!

Last night was a night of firsts, but not the good kind. I have never had someone ask for ID. I have never been checked out like that before. I have never been treated rudely before by a SA. I have never had such an obvious laughter at my expense. Even through it all, I would do it again in a heart beat. I realize that I need to get my confidence up higher and that will happen over time. Mall experiences are something that I need to work on, so I guess several more trips to the mall are in order. Only one way to cure this lack of confidence, keep getting on the horse.

As Tamarav says: Attitude! Act like a woman! I still need some work there, but I will be a diligent student of the ways of women.

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger"

Unfortunately some people's curiosity (whether ill or non) is often perceived by others as disgust or seeming hatred even. With the laughter. I wouldn't assume they were talking about you, if they weren't looking at you I doubt they'd be so subtle in looking at you then blurting something out. Sounds like you got some good clothes though :)

Hello Michelle!
I had a night like that about one month ago. I was laughed at by a couple, called a "dude" by an older man, and starred at by several people. I haven't returned to a mall since then...and gave the outfit that I was wearing to the Goodwill! Were we just not looking up to par and not being our girlish selves or was it bad luck?

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Originally Posted by AKAMichelle

3) Immediately the cashier asked to see my ID to verify who I was. WOW very awkward!

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When this happens to me I call the credit card company. According to them merchants have NO RIGHT to ask you for id.According to Visa international head office my card and signature is all that is required for the transaction to be completed.I lodge a formal complaint when this happens to me or my wife.

You're right, its all about attitude. Build it up, get stronger. Smile back at them, show your confident, they don't like that and I promise they will shrink away.

I've never had any problems with an SA when fully dressed but I'm sure my time will come. All I can do is shrug my shoulders; after all whose problem is it - and whose losing money?

I used to spend hours pacing up and down dance floors to develop my attitude but now I don't need that so much because its built in.

We need to be made of steel on the outside, but we know what we are inside.

Good luck and have fun,

I had a strange experience earlier today. I was having coffee in Starbucks and was sitting facing and immediatly next to the small counter where people come for serviettes, sugar etc., having a good view of all the customers and giving them a good view of me. An assistant who was clearing tables came over to the counter and wiped it over. She did this about 3 times in 5 minutes and the fourth time she came spent about a minute wiping an already spotless counter. As she finished she spoke to me and addressed me as madam, for which I thanked her. There is no way that I could hold up to this level of scrutiny at no more than a meter distance, so I guess she appreciated the fact that I behaved calmly and stayed totally in character.

Just goes to show, confidence works.

Alicia

You go Michelle.
Who says the ladies aren't tough?
I give you all the credit in the world. I could never do what you did and I certainly wouldn't have been able to handle the negatives you endured.
I adore your attitude.
Keep fighting back!

i feel your pain michelle. I just got in from a shopping trip to hanes mill outlet where two old ladies stared and commented in a stage whisper that i "must be some kind of perverted person and sick in the head to be looking at womens underware, what is the world coming to". normally i have my courage and back bone up to weather these types of comments, but today i just made my way out of the store making some comment about all the rude old biddies in my town and how close minded they are.

Way to go and congratulations on getting out. I am starting to figure out the malls are a little scary. I would rather go to stand alone stores. Easier to blend in while shopping and you don't have to walk down the mall where people are people watching.

I had an incidence in Macy's where two women started laughing.... and when I turned around to look they were facing the opposite direction and laughing over something one pulled out of her purse... obviously you aka "We" are overly sensetive and are looking for or expecting something like that to happen.... My attidute is... I Don't Care..... and it serves me well....

I have found that when something is said because you are read, and most of us always are, to smile, look directly at the individual and return the comment with the biggest smile you can give. Isn't it odd that if it's only one person that reads you very rairly is anything said, however if there are two or more something is bound to come out of one of their mouths....Alicia, Starbucks Coffee, How can you drink that stuff.

The more you go out the easier it is to ignore them.

that is true. i think my problem is that i was in drab today. normally i let those kind of comments roll off my back but today for some reason it got to me, guess i need to get my back bone to be a little stiffer.

When my SO and I are out together, I also feel embarrassed when I perceive strange looks or think that someone is laughing at us. My SO is much less paranoid than I, assuring me that the reactions I perceive are likely not about us. And I am ashamed to say this, I wish it were different and I know it shouldn't matter, but I am afraid someone I know will recognize us. Maybe this is irrational, as I do believe my SO passes well ... but then, I am biased. :)

I wonder if, in my lifetime, the mainstream will learn to look at TGed people differently.

So I make an effort to hold my head high. I avoid looking into people's eyes, I try to develop an "I don't care" attitude, and I focus on enjoying the moment with my SO. It does help. Hopefully in time I will get over this.

Depends on where you shop. I find the people working at the dollar stores are the ones who give you the hardest time!

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Originally Posted by racquel

When this happens to me I call the credit card company. According to them merchants have NO RIGHT to ask you for id.According to Visa international head office my card and signature is all that is required for the transaction to be completed.I lodge a formal complaint when this happens to me or my wife.

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I know to many this seems like a ridiculous thing to lodge a formal complaint about, but it's not.

Visa, Master Card, and American Express all have clear rules that their card members aren't supposed to be harassed for ID if their credit card is signed. The merchant is only allowed to check the signature on the card and verify that it matches the signature on the receipt.

If someone asks to see a driver's license when you're using your credit card, you should refuse, and you should report them to the 1-800 number on the back of your credit card.

Credit card companies specifically state that the only time they are to ask for ID is if you hand them an unsigned card. If you give them an unsigned card, the merchant should ask to see a photo ID, and the merchant should require you to sign the card in front of them. If you do not have a photo ID, or if you refuse to sign the card in front of them, the merchant is usually supposed to keep the card and treat it as stolen.

As long as the processing system authorizes the card, the credit card company guarantees the purchase, so the merchant has nothing to worry about even if they do think the card is stolen. If the card is approved, it's really none of their business.

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Originally Posted by racquel

When this happens to me I call the credit card company. According to them merchants have NO RIGHT to ask you for id.According to Visa international head office my card and signature is all that is required for the transaction to be completed.I lodge a formal complaint when this happens to me or my wife.

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When I recently worked for a local grocery store we were told to ask for ID when the name and or signature didn't match the person presenting the credit card. Say a male name and a female appearance. And a crossdresser who is identified is still something out of the ordinary. In the store where I was, no one cared about a CD. We just wanted to protect your credit card, though I won't say the same for everywhere.

What happens if you refuse to provide ID? The transaction has already been processed... The store can't take the purchase back can they? As long as you can replicate the signature you should be fine...I guess you could always quietly ask to speak to the manager and tell them they are being discriminatory and ask them to call Visa also. Cash is king I guess... if they still accept it.

Also, sorry to hear about your bad day... have you posted some images of your alter ego?...perhaps some feedback would help also. I don't recommend it, but I get mental tunnel vision if I drink a lot...I don't notice anyone around me at all! I just know if you can get in to a relaxed state of mind it helps you feel better and others don't notice you as much.

kimmy:


How are you supposed to know when the name doesn't match? There are a lot of girls out there with guy names, and if I was a woman named Dale or Ricky or Brett or Dana or Jerry I'd be pretty mad if some kid asked to see my license because they didn't believe it was a woman's credit card.

And just imagine the other ways you could think of a name "not matching." How about an black guy with the last name O'Brien, or a white guy with a card that says Muhammad Ihsanullah? You probably wouldn't have the guts to ask for ID on that one, and you shouldn't with the guy/girl thing, either.

If you're concerned, you look at the signature on the back of the card and you pay attention to whether or not it matches what the person signs. That's all you can do. If you ask for ID because you think the name doesn't match, your employer can get fined or totally dropped by its credit card processor when someone reports it, and you just might get sued in civil court.

It's a simple fact that the credit card companies have an official policy not to do that, and employers who tell people to ask are violating the agreement with the credit card company.

Checks are totally different, because checks aren't guaranteed by the bank to be valid. That's why most places ask for ID every single time someone writes a check.

I don't mean to sound like I'm blaming you for what your employer's policy was. It's a common thing and it's pretty absurd. Eventually enough people will report it that employers will know to cut it out.

I had a girl at a Long John Silver's ask for my ID for putting my $6 lunch on a credit card last week. She looked at me like I was insane when I explained to her that they can get in trouble with MasterCard for that.

Just shake it off Michelle and keep being you hun.:hugs:
Angie

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Originally Posted by Angie G

Just shake it off Michelle and keep being you hun.:hugs:
Angie

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That's what I pretty much did already. It's just one of those things where you read things in this group and then all of a sudden they all appeared to be happening in the same day. It was a little overwhelming. I realize that many people may not like what I do, but too bad. I am finally out of the closet and nobody but nobody is putting me back in. :devil:

I will continue going out and working on my image and attitude. Eventually one day I will have it down much better and be able to blend most of the time.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by racquel

When this happens to me I call the credit card company. According to them merchants have NO RIGHT to ask you for id.According to Visa international head office my card and signature is all that is required for the transaction to be completed.I lodge a formal complaint when this happens to me or my wife.

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With the new chipped cards and use of a pin, this asking for ID will become a thing of the past, and eliminate one of our fears. (asked for male picture ID)

Kendra