That all important first sentence

Here is my dilemma.

There is a lot going in life, but isn't there always.
I've come to the conclusion that "waiting for the right time" is just a put off, because there never truly will be a "right time".
You can always find some excuse to put it off.

Want I really want is to finally be open with them about this. No matter if the outcome is good or bad at least I know it is out there & I can be more comfortable doing it.

I am just tired of hiding this & the constant worry of it, slipping, being caught, ect, ect.
It may sound like a selfish statement, but it is not meant to be.

I want to sooner then later come out to people who are:
My mother, older sister, a female friend & a male friend.

First hurdle: My family, Would it be better telling them both at the same time or doing it alone with each of them?

I know my sister will at least understand it, her acceptance level is another story.

I don't know what to except from my mother.
She may not understand it all, but I think she'll at least accept it on some level.

Killing two birds with one stone is great, but I don't want to get into a crossfire of questions either.

Now on to my original statement.
Your all prepared, your ready to go, there sitting waiting, ect.

I tried talking to my mother, but even after priming the pump I could just not find those first few words to get the conversation started on ended up ditching the whole thing.

What is the best way to approach this?
What is the opener that doesn't immediately get you cut off with questions?
What is that all important first sentence?

As far the friends I want to tell go, I think I have different ways of approaching them both that will work for each of them.

I would say talk to your Mother and lay it right out on the line.
Mums are the greatest people ever. She's not going to love you any less if you're a boy or a girl!

I would say, go read Marla's thread "How to Tell Your Partner" up above because I think a lot of it can apply to all Loved Ones, not just your SO.

I would also tell each person separately. You won't feel like you are under fire with questions that way, and I think you'll be able to have a more open and meaningful discussion with the person you are talking to that way.

Say you tell your mom first. You could say, "I am planning to tell Sis on X date, and I would like to be able to do so myself. I'll let you know when I do tell her and then maybe the three of us can have dinner and chat about it after."

The all important first sentence, if I could pick how I'd want to be told, would be something like, "There's something I would like to tell you, and I know you are going to have a lot of questions, but first, I would like to be able to get this out." And? Don't be afraid to take notes on what you want to say and bring a "cheat sheet" with you! I do that all the time when talking about emotional stuff because it helps me stay focused!

(For reference: the first sentence I head was this, just as we were about to go to sleep and his back was to me, "Sometimes I like to wear a bra. Night." Not the way to go, IMO!)

I always like one on one discussions because there is less chance of changing the subject, getting interupted, or overburden of too many questions at once from two parties.

However going by what you said that you think your sister will be understanding. Tell your sister first and if she is cool with you ask her to come along and support you while you break it to your mom and your sister can act as a support for your mom aswell.

I know someone who I think would understand but I just can't say it. Sometimes I think about being caught just to bring it out.

I totally understand. When coming out to somebody or making hints, the first statement is taken very seriously by the person and they put a lot of weight on that initial sentence.


You gotta think hard on how to phrase it.

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Originally Posted by avril findlay

I would say talk to your Mother and lay it right out on the line.
Mums are the greatest people ever. She's not going to love you any less if you're a boy or a girl!

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Listen to the Lady, She speaks the truth. My Mum was sooo cool about it.

Well, I've done some telling one to one. My SO has done some telling one to two. We've both done some un-planned telling as a result of circumstances. We've both done some planned telling. We've dropped hints first. And sometimes we haven't. We've done it in person, on the 'phone, by text (our hand was forced, I don't recommend that method) and I have one to do by letter, very soon. We've done it with photos, and we've done it with conversation.

The one thing that's constant, is that there's no constant.

In other words the opening line always changes. I thought, at first, that I would like to do all the talking and make them listen 'til I finished. But then I realised that I would find that emotionally uncontrollable if our roles were reversed. I have to say that my own preferred opener is now settling on a form of words that goes something like, "there's no simple way to say this other than, I'm transgender". Then I explain a bit and ask for the listener's point of view. The exact words change slightly time to time, but the basic approach is similar.

Oh, the letter I need to write? It's to my Dad. He's cool. He'll be cool. But I need to set out the facts for him, and he's such a thorough academic that I know he'll appreciate a logical approach. Also, I love him very much and don't want him to hear any pain in my voice when we first discuss it. Once the news is out there, then I think we'll both be able to discuss it clearly. I think that's the only time I'll ever need a letter.

Also, you need to be very clear why you are telling people. What purpose is it going to serve. For me it was clear. I was fixing dysfunctional relationships caused by my own non-self-acceptance. Those relationships are all now on a much better footing.

Oh yes, and be clear on whether those you tell should tell others or not. For me it was simple - those people I told have their own SOs and it is not my place to tell them who they can or cannot tell. I have asked for time to tell Dad myself, otherwise, no rules. My news has therefore spread beyond those either I or my SO told. Which is fine. Especially when you get an invite from your step-sister to go clubbing with her and her girlfriend!

Sarah...

Try something like this:

"_____, there's something I need to talk to you about, something important, and it involves my life." "Just to assure you, I'm not ill and it's not life threatening, but it is complex." "What I'm going to say takes all of my courage and requires me to really think about what I'm saying, I really need for you to see the whole situation and to try to understand." "Can you please let me just tell you about it first, and then I'll answer any questions you might have."

Not perfect, but these sorts of things never are. Just be sincere, get some type of verbal agreement not to interrupt with questions and begin. You might want to put together an outline of some sort and pre-rehearse a bit, but don't write it out word for word. You will just sound stilted and non-sincere.

Be calm, and even if they can't hold it in and if they do interrupt, with your outline you can return to what you were previously trying to accomplish and make your thoughts hang together.

Peace and Love, Joanie

Or you could have gotten dressed to show the neighbors the week before Halloween and you hear a knock on the door....in my case, it was my dad.

You will find the link to the thread Violet spoke of in my signature

It should help

Samantha, you might want to read the post DonnaG just put up. "Be careful what you wish for." Then think hard and reassess your situation.

There was some detail missing in your post.
Do you live alone, or are you still at home? Do you wish to become transgendered? Do you just wish to dress 24/7?
Does your hiding bother you that much that you're willing to risk so many things by telling all?
What purpose will it serve to tell your family and your friend?
What do you forsee as the outcome once you do tell all?

I may be playing the devil's advocate, but you have to look at how others might feel. Nobody knows your Mom and sisters as well as you, but remember, there's so much more to consider than just your feelings alone. Your actions will affect other's lives.
I wish there were some perfect words I could write to you, or wave a magic wand and make it all better, but I can't. I'm as fragile and helpless as you are.

Go slow, and good luck whatever your decision may be.

Before you go ahead with this, remember that it doesn't always work out. Neither my mom or sister accepted it, and now I'm estranged from both of them. Some friends slowly disappeared from my life. As much as we want to be accepted, it's far from a sure thing. Please, please be careful. Sometimes even a more superficial relationship with our family members is better than none at all. Not to mention, the possible ramifications of being outed to the general community.


http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...ad.php?t=94538

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...ad.php?t=94598

Yes I have read & re-read the "How to tell your partner" thread several times.

Sorry I forgot to mention that in the original post.

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Originally Posted by Violet

(For reference: the first sentence I heard was this, just as we were about to go to sleep and his back was to me, "Sometimes I like to wear a bra. Night." Not the way to go, IMO!)

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LOL, Thanks, Yes I agree not the best way to go.

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Originally Posted by StaceyJane

I know someone who I think would understand but I just can't say it. Sometimes I think about being caught just to bring it out.

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I don't think the "Opps, I got caught" or the just walking out dressed are good ways for me to go. lol

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Originally Posted by Sarah...

Also, you need to be very clear why you are telling people. What purpose is it going to serve.
Oh yes, and be clear on whether those you tell should tell others or not. Sarah...

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I think the time has come to be open with it for one.
I'm tired of hiding in my own home due to family members around, dropping by, ect.
No, this will be for them only.
I would like to say who does & who doesn't know.
Will it stay that way, probably not, but I will not be held responsible for unfavorable responses & reactions from people they were told not to tell.

And thanks for everything you wrote Sarah.

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Originally Posted by sterling12

Try something like this:
"_____, there's something I need to talk to you about, something important, and it involves my life." "Just to assure you, I'm not ill and it's not life threatening, but it is complex." "What I'm going to say takes all of my courage and requires me to really think about what I'm saying, I really need for you to see the whole situation and to try to understand." "Can you please let me just tell you about it first, and then I'll answer any questions you might have."

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I think that is something I could work on & maybe streamline a bit to better fit me. Thanks Joanie


Overall I guess telling them one by one is the best way to go.

I think my best bet is to tell my GG friend first,
I think [hoping that] I will get the best response from her.

If it goes well with her, I think I will be more comfortable telling the family.
If it backfires with her, at least I get an idea of what to expect from others who might feel the same way.

Thank You for all your help so far.

Not easy! Never done it. I guess i would tell her i love and respect her, and i don't want to decieve her, and to be totally honest, I like to wear womens clothes.

It is close to halloween so you have an out... Show them a photo and ask them if they know who it is? Tell them you dressed up and she what their reaction is. If they say you look like the sister or daughter they never had then tell them more...if they are in shock maybe back off. I've not done it this way, but I did show up at my parents home fully dressed one halloween and they were in shock at first, but then started joking with me and telling me how much I looked like a cousin of mine. Good luck.

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Originally Posted by Shari

Samantha, you might want to read the post DonnaG just put up. "Be careful what you wish for." Then think hard and reassess your situation.

There was some detail missing in your post.
Do you live alone, or are you still at home? Do you wish to become transgendered? Do you just wish to dress 24/7?
Does your hiding bother you that much that you're willing to risk so many things by telling all?
What purpose will it serve to tell your family and your friend?
What do you forsee as the outcome once you do tell all?

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I just read it & although it is a damn shame that happen I don't see things going quite that way with me.
Yes, it is something we all say can't happen to me, but I do believe it to be true with me.

Do you wish to become transgendered?
If you meant to ask, Go Full-Time to any extent? No

[Don't we all somewhat fall under that term in varying degrees already. But that is for another discussion.]

Do you just wish to dress 24/7?
Short answer - No

What purpose will it serve?
Covered in above post #14

Do you live alone?
No, I have a bi-level house, sometimes referred to as a mother-daughter.
[yes I know, the names are funny in more ways then one, lol]
Separate entrances, kitchens, ect, like a house with a small downstairs apt. joined by an inside door.

I have had my mother living with me in the lower apt part for a year now due to medical reasons [Hers not mine].
So, although we live in the same house, we don't occupy the same space. I have my space, she has hers but that doesn't mean we don't see each other either.

EDIT: ADDED -

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Originally Posted by Sally2005

It is close to halloween so you have an out...

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Not really, lol, I was out dressed & was with my sister [who got a kick out of it, but that was halloween] & mom already saw the pics afterwards. lol

I have learned from here that Halloween, even done repeatedly by some here, is still a far cry from how people will react when told the truth behind it.

But, Thank You for the though Sally