Are Accepting Women Also "closeted"?

I've come out to quite a few women lately, and all of them were very supportive, enthusiastic even. Once I did tell them, some of them opened up to me in a whole new way! One common thread, though, was that I always the one to start the conversation.

This sounds obvious, but I never really realized how important that fact is. Throughout all my time quaking in fear, there were all these women right under my nose--women who'd love the idea of femming me up. But absolutely none of them even gave a hint about it until I brought it up.

When you think about it, it does seem to make a bit of sense. (Say) you're a woman who thought your man would look a lot sexier with a couple coats of bright red nail varnish. If you've got one of those "manly men", just how do you think he'd react if you told him that? Would you fear for your relationship? Would you fear for your physical safety?

I see a lot of girls here go into relationships assuming every woman would recoil in horror at the thought of dating a crossdresser. I think women are a lot more into crossdressing than we give them credit for. Maybe though, they're just as scared to talk about their love of crossdressers as we are to talk about our love of crossdressing.

This is just a theory that's been rattling around in my head lately. Things tend to rot up in there, so I thought I'd bring it out into fresh air. What do you think?

I've dated 2 women, both were accepting and even my ex was interested.

Any woman that know's about your or my hobby and has some sort of relationship with us... is burdened with this and even more so than we are... imho.... Liking a crossdresser can be as bad as being a crossdresser in the public's eyes...

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Originally Posted by Karren Hutton

Any woman that know's about your or my hobby and has some sort of relationship with us... is burdened with this and even more so than we are... imho.... Liking a crossdresser can be as bad as being a crossdresser in the public's eyes...

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I have to agree with this.

My wife has been accepting of me for many years, but whenever we are out together the following almost never fails to happen:

We'll meet up with people that know and seem to accept me, and then they meet my wife. Some of the questions that they ask her make her uneasy. Are you really okay with this?

Even if we just meet someone and are in a casual conversation, she'll get some of the same questions.

Maybe they are just nosy, or indeed interested. But after we leave, I feel like there is some damage control measures that I need to deal with. I'll tell my that maybe she shouldn't tell them we are married, that we are just real good friends. I would think that most people would be really fine with that, but if you are married, it seems like that they wonder what is wrong with her.

I've never tried to control or put my wife in a position where she had to like this or about me, but she does care about me.

I'd say your a lucky girl to be finding such ladies.:hugs:
Angie

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Originally Posted by Raya

I see a lot of girls here go into relationships assuming every woman would recoil in horror at the thought of dating a crossdresser. I think women are a lot more into crossdressing than we give them credit for.

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Ok, I gotta be careful what I say here because I'm married to a woman who likes crossdressing, and thinks her husband looks cute dressed. But IMHO you are kinda right in the sense that I do believe that there are more GGs out there who are ok with it than they let on. Yes, I do agree that those that feel this way don't volunteer this information openly. However, I do also think that's it's also a case of "not in my back yard". I've know quite a few GGs that were ok with it in principle and see you as harmless and non threatening ... BUT ... they wouldn't want to date you. In other words (and this perhaps a bad analogy) but it's a little bit like that there are quite a lot of GGs who have a gay guy friend. They love him and all that he is, but he's not a person they would want a relationship with. This is just my personal experience of how it was for me before I met my wife. I expect others will have a different viewpoint (?)

I agree with Rachel. Like her, my wife accepts my dressing. Like her my wife thinks I am cute (which proves once and for all that love is blind...:) ). I think that our mutual married female friends would have to react that it was silly if they found out about me becasue that's what they would be expected to do by our other mutual friends and their own husbands. In private they may understand but whether they would accept their own husbands if they crossdressed would be a big question.

Of course, for all I know some of our mutual friends may crossdress...:)

I agree with Raya, Karren, Rachel, and others that some GG's are attracted to crossdressers, but they too are in the closet about getting into a relationship with a crossdresser for fear of what family and friends might think of them. I have been told that by GG's that were attracted to crossdressers, I have been asked for my ph# by quite a few GG's since I came out of the closet 2 yrs ago. however not one of them has called me, and the ones that I called because I got their ph# cooled off about being seen with a crossdresser because of the fear of what peaple might think of them. Now when GG's ask for my ph# I do not expect to hear back from them because of past experiences of not being called back, however I do hope to hear from a GG who will not be inhibited by what peaple might think. I understand why they have that fear, because it is the same fear we all experience about what peaple might think of us for being a crossdresser. I have finally overcame that fear, but it took many yrs, and like us it will take years for some GG's to overcome their fears about being in a relationship with a crossdresser. To the GG's out there I give my :love: and respect.

People generally look at crossdressers as damaged. If the crossdresser is like a heroin addict, the unaccepting wife is seen as a victim, but the supportive wife is seen as a drug dealer. So I think women who like the idea of their guy crossdressing are very likely to be in the closet.

But you also have to realize women have at least as much trouble trying to figure out what they really want as crossdresser do. Many women are guilty of being attracted to masculine traits, then trying to change men in ways that take away their masculinity, thereby making them lose attraction and respect for the man.

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Originally Posted by vivianann

I have been asked for my ph# by quite a few GG's since I came out of the closet 2 yrs ago. however not one of them has called me

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Yeah, I've had some very cool, attractive women ask for my number at clubs, and hang out with me all night, then never call. Guys do the same thing to girls all the time, though.

The only GG who ever followed through ended up stalking me, and I probably would've gotten a restraining order if I hadn't moved, but that's another story.

But you also have to realize women have at least as much trouble trying to figure out what they really want as crossdresser do. Many women are guilty of being attracted to masculine traits, then trying to change men in ways that take away their masculinity, thereby making them lose attraction and respect for the man.


I agree racquel

It sounds like a pretty good theory to me. I hope it is true and that there are plenty of women out there that would enjoy my dressing as much as i do.

my GF is ok with me dressing and of course im ok with it but she always warns me not to tell anyone else for possible ramifications. if you find a woman to accept your dressing thats wonderful some of us never find them so if you have multiple offers from women who accept it your one up honey.

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Originally Posted by vivianann

Many women are guilty of being attracted to masculine traits, then trying to change men in ways that take away their masculinity, thereby making them lose attraction and respect for the man.

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:dammit::Angry3::Angry3:that in my opion is unwarrented and an unfounded allegation, however back to the topic in hand

Are Accepting Women Also "closeted"?

yes I think some of us are, I know I was, but not for me, but for him.
I was closeted because the cdr I was with has problems with admitting to anybody that he CDs .......... should I chance on a relationship with another CDR, make damn sure you are comfortable with who you are, because there is no way on earth I am going back into that closet, no matter how big or comfortable it is ........... I ended up having to lock our front door from friends, who until I discovered he was a CDR, were friends I allowed to knock on the door, open it, and shout "it's only me" and walk in .. all that changed. Once I knew he dressed and he was able to come downstairs dressed on an evining (when the youngest was in bed), I hated having to hide from friends, and I will never ever go back to doing that ever again ............. it's not me nor is it somebody I ever want to be again.

By the way if you are a CDR and a Golfer do not bother applying for the position ...... golfers are soooo out :devil::devil::devil:

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Originally Posted by Sheila

:dammit::Angry3::Angry3:that in my opion is unwarrented and an unfounded allegation, however back to the topic in hand

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Seeing as it was my quote you were talking about, I'll respond to that.

It is not unfounded or unwarranted, and there's no reason for you to make the angry face when I wasn't talking to you, nor was I talking about all women. As amused as I am by Peter Griffin and Homer Simpson, I find it troubling that every day I hear comments about all men being idiots, pigs, etc. Everybody's OK with that, but you can't say "a lot of women do ___" without people getting mad?

It's very common for a woman to be attracted to men who exhibit all kinds of behaviors which imply that they would be a bad husband, but they marry them anyway and try to change them. If the man doesn't change, she's stuck in a tough marriage. If the man does change, sometimes the marriage gets pretty stale because she's not as interested in him. This is much more common with women who didn't have the best childhood, but it's still very common. The more issues a girl has with her own father, the more she is attracted to the "bad boy" who will make her miserable, and the more chaotic her childhood was, the more she instigates chaos in her relationships.


There's even that old saying:

A woman marries a man expecting he will change but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change but she does.



There's also the well-known fact that men are more attracted to physical beauty while women are more attracted to self-confidence, and some of the biggest a**holes in the world are very self-confident.

Most modern psychology and relationship books will cover this stuff, so it's not really up for debate any longer.

[SIZE="3"]I'd like to say, I don't think its so much women would be "closeted" about it as much as its not really an every day thought. Its not like you meet a man and think, "oh.... I bet he'd look hot in a pair of thigh-highs and black lace panties!" Okay... some might. :heehee: And most people don't spew out their bedroom fantasies to people they don't want to act them out with. So if a GG is attracted to a cder, she's not boasting about it because its probably not anyone's business. Until she's intimate with someone, that is.

I think the attraction with some women and cding is the taboo, dominance and/or the newness. I believe many GGs when introduced to cding, don't believe it will be a common occurrence, just an every once in a while, at home sort of thing. Not every day.

I also strongly believe that a lot of people accept behavior in others that they would not in a partner. It might be nice for those women to play dress up with you but that doesn't mean they'd want that in a partner. I'm far more tolerant of my friends because I don't have to live with them. They can go do as they please, but if someone is going to be intimate with me, I have certain standards and behaviors I can and cannot deal with.

Just my thoughts on it.[/SIZE]

My wife is accepting of my being a cd,but I don't think she could handle the idea of me being "out", at least not in the area we live in. Maybe if we lived somewhere far from family and current friends, but not where we're at now. Still, I think the premise of this post is correct, that there are probably alot of GG's who are more accepting than what they let on. Plus I think if you were to factor in the GG's who would like to see their man dressed fem at least once the number would go through the roof!!

Interesting topic and as always, the possibilities are endless. Suffice it to say there are a lot of things we don't talk about openly, they are private. Successful relationships honor the sensitivites of others whether they agree or not. Our society has spent hundreds of years struggling with the needs and deeds of others. It is alot to ask anyone to embrace something, anything that might create discomfort for that person, even when that discomfort may come from silly societal ideas about norms. If you find that person for whom your truth is their truth, or with whom your needs are embraced, honor that person, respect their needs and find the comfort zone. Change is the only constant, and hopefully one day society will evolve to a place where we can talk openly about anything and feel safe and comfortable in doing so. Just my two cents!

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Originally Posted by racquel937

Most modern psychology and relationship books will cover this stuff, so it's not really up for debate any longer.

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I think it is making wide sweeping statement ir regards to anything is unsafe, and coming from an nursing background I am well aware of how things change in the profession and with it the "so called experts" opinions as well.

Yes I get angry when wide sweeping statements are made in any serious way (which is how your statement appeared to me previously and you have just confirmed that with your latest post) about anything, be it men, women, children, lifestyles or whatever.

I would be just as angry if anybody stuck all CDR's in the basket marked Weirdo's .... and would come out defending tg's and their lifestyle ...... but just my :2c:

A lot of good points have been made here, But the fact that you are with someone who excepts you for what you are makes being in the closet pointless, “J” and I talked about how her family would react and decided it was down to us how we lived, when they where told it was all OK, In fact last weekend we went shopping with 2 of “J”s nieces’ 19 & 25 and they picked out a skirt for me. I don’t think that a GG that had made the informed choice to go with a TV/CD would care what anybody else thought, and if they did maybe they should think again about the relationship, Katie
PS. This post is mainly the same as one I posted earlyer

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Originally Posted by Sheila

By the way if you are a CDR and a Golfer do not bother applying for the position ...... golfers are soooo out :devil::devil::devil:

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I hate golf :D

I,ll put my application in the post :heehee:

Of course, we are closeted. We are as closeted as our men. Society doesn't seem ready for our CD'ers and maybe at times we are not also.

When Society takes the time to accept CD like gay, bi, lesbian, then we will be ok. Right now, I am scared

All I can say is that I have had personal ads up where I kept the same ad, just added that I sometimes liked to crossdress, and the difference in responses was tremendous. Purely straight ad gets lots of responses, I guess I'm not bad looking after all. But the one that mentions the crossdressing, well, not so much. I tried this on aol's dating site, match, loveaccess and plentyoffish. Same results. Even when women can be completely anonymous, the very vast majority of them aren't interested in a crossdresser. Of course, I suspect it's the false assumption that I might be a true 'flamer', swishing and swaying, exaggerating my voice into a falsetto and using 'sweetie', 'oh, girl!', 'tee hee', 'giggle giggle' all the time, that might be what stops them from even writing to say hello.
Yes, there are probably many more that would accept us as a casual friend that would openly let us know, but actually being a potential mate of a crossdresser? Probably not. I'm of the opinion that it's more 'wishful thinking' on our part. Women very often rate each other on 'how well they did' in catching a man; CEO rates high, unemployed rates low. Crossdressers rate even lower. So I don't think it's any surprise that a SO of a crossdresser would prefer to keep that knowledge to herself.

In one way I'm not closeted, inasmuchas I can tell a bloke that I think he'd look good in a skirt, and I probably wouldn't be considered as much more that just a bit wierd, so no change there! :D

But I am closeted as the partner of a cder, as he doesn't want to be 'out'. So I can't really just say that my partner crossdresses. I can't look at female clothes and say that I'm buying it for my partner.