Some of my experiences as a bi-gender guy
Ok, as my first proper post, I thought I'd share some of my experiences and thoughts.
Firstly, I'll try not to repeat what I said in my intro post promise. However, I'm curious to know. How many bi-gender boys are posters on this forum? Can anybody relate to the confusion that comes with being bi-gender?
After all, I am not trans-gender. I have no desire to change my gender and actually I love being a girl, part of the time. Other days, I will get up and feel like a dandy goth/emo boy. I'll don dark make-up, vampirish garb and ACT like a COMPLETELY different person. My Bf says he can tell when my mental switch happens. He claims I sit differently, my voice changes and even the facial expressions I use when we talk alter! Personally, I don't notice the changes. They just sort of happen. Can anyone else relate?
Trying to explain my feelings to people I know is very hard, since it seems that bi-genderism is a new thing, even in the trans community. Most people laugh it off as a fetish, some (in the community) accuse me of bandwagon jumping.
I remember a conversation with one M2F in pubic chat, where she was begging me to "stay a GG" claiming that "supportive GG's are rare and beautiful" She felt that she needed me to stay a GG rather than "ruining myself because I feel the need to belong to the trans community."
She went on to say, that "I was simply playing dress-up and it made a mockery of her struggles as a transwoman" I stress again that, this was in public chat and on voice no less. I had been a regular face in chat and had been supportive to all the 'girls' and 'boys' for many years. However, when I was being publicly ripped apart, nobody spoke up for me.
I was so hurt and pretty much ceased going to chat. I tried to keep going, but every time I went on voice, I was laughed at and called a freak. I was forced to defend myself "Your voice is too high to be a boy, lets hear your boy voice then? You're not a boy!!" and things of this nature. Needless to say, I'm over it now. I simply wanted to share and see if any one else can relate? I am lucky to have a few friends who DO understand and most of them aren't trans! Funny that, isn't it?
Any thoughts?
Hope this GG is welcome to post here too
Your posts have been so thought provoking and informative; I have really enjoyed the questions posed, the definitions presented, and the honest sharing of each point of view.
I came to a realization about two years ago that my sexuality isn't as cut and dried as I would like to think I have presented to everyone. There was this very masculine, lesbian teacher that caught me off guard. I had been married to Jina at that point for over 15 years and in all that time I can honestly say I never looked at another man or considered looking at anyone else for that matter. Then I am broadsided by this very strongly presenting lesbian and I dunno, it just triggered this crisis in my life about my identity, my sexuality, and my struggles.
Needless to say, it was freakin' awful. I went home and put my then 5 year old on my chest on the couch, held her, and let her sleep there to comfort me. I was a basket case, completely bewildered.
Well, Jina and I talked and I told her. At this point, I didn't know Jina. She hadn't come out to herself or me. Then she did tell me what was going on with her. We went through hell together. We went through hell apart but all the while stayed together. We fought. We cried. We accused. I tell you, it was a very VERY tough road. After all, we have five kids together! So much at stake! It sucked out loud.
But after tearing it all down to the ground, we have rebuilt a life that is more suited to who we really are. I earn most of our money now. Jina does more childcare and home stuff than I do. She works part time. I am more suited to the breadwinner role and she is more suited to the caregiver role. On the other hand, there are a lot of very "mom" things I do and "dad" things Jina does. We have come to give up the black and white roles we started with and have begun to just give-and-take in a way that feels really healthy and good when it comes to responsibilities and preferences.
In the end I realize that I rely a lot upon the things I learned from my father to organize and make sense of my life. I hear his words in my head, I see myself doing things he does, valuing what he values. My mother is there too, but I definately emulate my dad more.
But if you look at me you don't see the male aspects of me. I wear girly clothes, paint my nails, color my hair, etc. I do not dress as a "tomboy" or whatever. In fact I am uncomfortable in clothes that hide my "assets". Not that I overemphasize either. I don't wear push up bras and the like (not that those are bad, I'm just not the bombshell blond type either).
I find myself in the transmasculine section a lot. It's hard to explain except that it answers the ying/yang thing for me. Jina answers that for me too. She balances out the male part of me. Over the last year I have evened out a lot and I would say that I am about 70% girl and 30% boy. That's pretty significant, I think.
I've never told my story. I find it interesting that this thread, in the transman section, is where it seems to fit best and where I feel most comfortable. And I wonder if that percentage I just gave is honest....hmmmmm:daydreaming:
I hope my post isn't seen as too long or as in the wrong place. I really feel comfortable here. Thanks for listening.