Wife knew everything...

I preface this story by saying that I've been married for 35 years. Oldest son just graduated from college in June is no longer living in the house full time. Younger son moved out last year. Dressing increased during December when my wife flew out to help move her father from his apartment to assisted living.

Over the years we have had a couple of superficial discussions about my crossdressing.

Just after the new year, my wife hit me with "how do you think our marriage is going?" She was not happy. I thought I was doing a good job with hiding my increased activity. My jaw dropped when she told me what she knew including my femme name, my mailbox, my participation in this forum. She was concerned that I was going to transition (no thanks) and leave her. She had gone so far as to get names of lawyers.

We had a great discussion about where things were and that things had really not changed in the past month.

I have come to the conclusion that I'm married to a smart and perceptive lady (which I sort of knew) who is mostly open to my needs.

She indicated that she isn't ready to meet Charlene. I'm not sure she understands at this point that I'm Charlene.

Anyway, I am very glad we have a bond of trust. But I can see how something like this can spiral out of control and end bad.

Now, I wonder what the kids know.

Charlene D.

sounds very similar to my situation . . . a few differences but very similar and even down to timing. . .mine happened on New Years eve :o . . . wife is accepting . . . sort of :)

I think she's finding it a bit challenging as I've been more open with my dressing :o even though she says she's understanding :/

Getting the feeling as though she's just tolerating it.

Jacie

I think it's good for you both that your wife knows. I wonder how many other wives/SO's know about their men but are reluctant or afraid to say anything about it (let sleeping dogs lie). I would guess that sometimes we, men & women, realise that somethings not quite right in a relationship. Us the CD's then think it must be to do with our dressing when all along its something completely seperate. Are we a paranoid bunch or what?
Anyway I hope that your relationship blossoms again.

When I mean fool ourselves, when we are crossdressers and we are hiding that from our wife's, I think we deceive ourself's into thinking that we are hiding that aspect of our lifes well. When you live with somone 24/7 the things one does will always be apparent to your spouse.

What usually ends up happening is your actions show more like deceitfulness to your spouse, as if you are hiding something bad like an affair. The spouse develops a trust issue with you and finally when it blows and you decide to talk with her, its become a much larger issue to deal with. Unfortunately, it usually heads to separation or ultimately divorce. For me my crossdressing during my marriage was primarily hidden, but my actions and denials caused my wife to think I was having Gay affairs, this eventually led her to decide to leave me.

I think what I'm trying to say is this, if we are crossdressers and we love our wife's or SO we should be honest with them and tell them before the relationship starts deteriorating, just don't expect things to move smoothly. I think we all think if we come clean that it will be easy sailing and it doesn't always happen that way, but it never happens smoothly if we wait for the spouse to blow, so to speak.

I'm beginning to see that revealing myself slowly to family, friends and company is the better thing to do. It is hard but when done removes the stress from ones shoulder's, improves relationship's and makes one happier. I hope that this makes sense, it does to me. :battingeyelashes:

Above all let you lovely wife know how much you love her. And don't rush her keep things slow hun. Believe this will work out for you. Just keep outside the pink fog Charlene.:hugs:
Angie

Charlene, What exactly is your wife most dissatified about your relationship?
Is it possible that the Cding may not be the main problem? Have you guys tried counceling? It might be worth persuing. 35 years is a long time to be together I sure hope you can work things out!

:hugs:Kelsy

i agree that you should show your wife love. so day she will realize you are charlene and that she is not a threat to her.

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Originally Posted by Kimberly51

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What usually ends up happening is your actions show more like deceitfulness to your spouse, as if you are hiding something bad like an affair. The spouse develops a trust issue with you and finally when it blows and you decide to talk with her, its become a much larger issue to deal with.

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I agree with Kimberly and think for the most part her being unhappy in your marriage is from the deceitfulness. Wish you would have told her and been upfront so she would'nt have had to feel and go through all this... with her knowing somethings wrong and having to dig and find out...but what is done is done...go from here AND explain to her you were afraid to say anything but that will never happen again and you are relived she knows. Build the trust back and if she wants other gg's to talk to tell her about the FAB forum....there she will see it's not a big deal.
Best wishes:hugs:

Well she got to know everything and really did not accept it, especially after mybeing "ED" for several years and suggesting lesbian sex, at which point she left my bed. However, that freed up many opportunities. I would not hesitate to completely be her total partner.:):)

There are a mixture of issues in this thread.

One is, do we really believe in our hearts that we have hidden our secret so well from those we share our lives with, or are our partners doing the same as some of us, burying our heads in the sand and hoping that it will all turn out ok?

Another is do we not trust our partners enough for them to make up their own minds as to how they will deal with a TG partner. I know that we all believe we know our partners, but TBH how many times has your partner surprised you with one thing or another?

Finally, I believe that whilst there are some partners who cannot accept a TG in their lives, the majority will but then the thing that stands in the way of the relationship progressing is the deceit that has been the foundation of the relationship in the past.

Wow, have I ever been there - married almost 38 years to wonderful GG - she has known about my need to CD for 37 years. We have had some good and a lot of bad moments over my CDing.

This year, JoAnne resurfaced after 12 years of hiding - my Spouse took it hard at first --- and then, she saw what my struggle with crossdressing was doing to me .

The URGE/DESIRE came back with a furry ! Itried to suppress it - well that didn't work. I became:
1) extremely depressed,
2) extremely anxious,
3) extremely irritable,
4) could not concentrate,
5) lost interest in everything (except needing to CD)
6) became physically sick,
7) had suicidal thoughts,
8) was in a daze - later found out it was the pink fog.

I was really down - if I did not or could not return to CDing, then I did not see how I could go on.

My Spouse realized for the first time how deeply the CDing is within us and how it affects us if we can't express these desires. She finnaly realized that I did not ask to be a CDer - I was born that way - she realized that JoAnne had to have a life or the man she married was dead.

I could not explain to her why I had this URGE/DESIRE to crossdress - I just knew that I did and it was not going to go away - I finnaly accepted the fact that I was a crossdresser - now I am proud of it !

My Spouse has been helpful in JoAnne's return - its not perfect, but it is a workable situation - I may not be able to shave or wax all of my body hair off and dress like so many of you do, but I still have my Spouse and I still have JoAnne and all of us live in the same house .

Last year was both rocky and rewarding all at the same time. I love my Spouse, but both she and I know that JoAnne has to have her space .

I love all of of you Sisters,

JoAnne Wheeler

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Originally Posted by Kelsy

Charlene, What exactly is your wife most dissatified about your relationship?
Is it possible that the Cding may not be the main problem? Have you guys tried counceling? It might be worth persuing. 35 years is a long time to be together I sure hope you can work things out!

:hugs:Kelsy

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I think she was unhappy with the deception. It allowed her imagination to run wild and I think she thought I wanted to leave HER. Communication is the lifeblood of a relationship and when I cut it off in this one area, I was wrong.

In my humble opinion I think we are back on track.

Charlene D.

My girlfriend, when I came out to her, thought for sure I was going to tell her that I'm gay. She said she knew there was something special about me, but didn't quite know what it was.
Lately though, a new concern of hers has arisen that if I transition, I will not be sexually attracted to her/women anymore and I will leave her, and she is very confident that had I been born a girl I would date men, and the only reason I go for women now is because it is socially acceptable. Honestly, if I wasn't with her, I probably would start dating men into my transition, as I've always had slight bi-leanings, but I love her far too much to leave her.

Wow, I really don't know how to respond or offer my two cents. I am trying to recall, no I don't have to I can remember the day very well 18 years ago when my wife found out. It was a couple of weeks of hell for both of us.

The first thing she wanted to know was if I wanted out of the relationship, that was after 13 years of marriage. than she made me show her everything in my "stash" and even took somethings that she liked. That made me mad.

Anyhow we were able to work it out and she gave me time to myself for awhile and than I went thru the purging thing again, sigh, but several years later it all came back with a vengeance as it always does. Ever since she says she is understand but doesn't want to see it.

we are still together even in my later years as Stefanie becomes a stronger part of my personality.

in short because this could get very long, she felt lied to and she was and she felt that it was her that was making me want to do this as if there is something wrong with her. there isn't, she is wonderful woman. And even to this day when there is something going on in our relationship I still feel guilty for who I am. We both have decided to stay in our marriage even thought she has told me before that she feels that she is holding me back from who I really am.

Best
Stefanie

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Originally Posted by charlene_d

I think she was unhappy with the deception. It allowed her imagination to run wild and I think she thought I wanted to leave HER. Communication is the lifeblood of a relationship and when I cut it off in this one area, I was wrong.

In my humble opinion I think we are back on track.

Charlene D.

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Charlene I am so glad things are looking good :hugs::hugs:

Sometimes I think my wife knows. She will make a comment about me wearing panties when I am wearing male underwear. Not sure what to do.