I was given an ultimatum

Well, I hope this is in the right spot.
Yesterday my wife gave me an ultimatum, continue dressing or she is gone!
What I don't understand is I always thought she was fine about it we talked in depth about how my dressing was a big part of me and the buying me things and helping me out with makeup etc from time to time. I was stunned, she had gone from accepting to extremely non accepting overnight. She then said if she had known I dressed when we first met she would have walked away.
I sat on the bed and cried and had a sleepness night. Today writing this my eyes have tears in them, I am still so upset. I have been doing quite a lot of research into transition, because I have felt so wrong all my life. Not saying I would go fulltime or anything but, at least talk to someone about it and see where I go from there, I had an appointment next week to speak to someone, my hopes have been dashed.
We had been having trouble in recent months, but I put it down to minor disagreements, however, she had put it down to my dressing, I had always dressed in private (how I longed to go out somewhere), and would always tell her in advance when I was planning on dressing so we could work something out if she did not want to be around and in the last 6 months had dressed only once, when she was not home.
So I packed all of Natasha's things up into two big suitcases, locked them and took them to a friends place for safe keeping. Now my wardrobe is very bare, drab clothes everywhere. My drawer in the bathroom is now clean and empty from all makeup products.
My marriage has been nothing but ultimatums all the way through, and I have a lot of decision making to do in the near future, at the moment I am ready to cut my losses and walk away, except for the kids, I love them dearly and don't want to hurt them.
So from Natasha I would like to say goodbye for the time being, and I am going to miss this great site and great people dearly. I will check in from time to time but for now is anyone's guess.
If anyone wants to PM me please feel free.

Thanks for the great time,
Natasha1974

Natasha,

That is so sad. I wish I could do something to help. Maybe the best thing to do is see a marriage counselor. I hope it all works out for you.

At the end of my 1st marriage I had a similar ultimatum----Then some years later---I am also a guys guy at time----My Country station was blasting during an early morning fishing expedition---When A Mr Brad Paisley had a song dealing with fishing----The guys were in tears as they listened to the words------But the dichotomy struck me---He could been talking about being a CD or whatever----Since society throws these social ab norms on us we become scared road kill on the side of one hell of a lonesome road---


Good luck Girl--------My prayers---


here is a link to that song----

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8O3Plt8DyMk



This is NOW MY PHILOSOPHY-------Thanks to wife's one's silly games...

the words work----unless its my meds----:)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Natasha1974

Yesterday my wife gave me an ultimatum, continue dressing or she is gone!

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Sounds like forced feminization to me. Do you have a problem with that?

Natasha, I'm so sorry and you may think me out of line here, but seeing this from the outside my thought is that maybe the best thing to do is separate for a while and try to work things out. You stated that your marriage has been a series of ultimata from the beginning. No relationship that is so one sided can be sustained indefinitely. Indeed it sounds less like a relationship and more like a dictatorship. A workable relationship always involves compromises and it sounds to me that there have been few, perhaps from either side, in yours. Again, my apologies if you feel I have overstepped in offering my opinion.

:hugs:

I'm fortunate in that my wife, who is not thrilled with my dressing and has never seen me dressed, has never issued an ultimatum. I am happy that she never has, about anything, because at this point in time I don't know what I would do if she gave me the big order.
I wish you the best, ask that you take it slowly, think it out and talk.

Natasha, you may not be dressing in the near future, but please keep coming to the site, it may help. We do amazing things when it comes to our children, I can tell that they mean the world to you. Ultimatum after ultimatum is not how to live a life together, perhaps counseling would help, hard to say.

I am so sorry Natasha, please know that you can PM me or e-mail me any time you want a shoulder to lean on.


*my profile contains my e-mail

I am very sorry Natasha. This is the one thing that always makes me so sad. A CD being forced into a position where she has to choose between her wife and family and being a CD.
I wish I had an answer for you, but I don't. I hope that somehow it works out.
:hugs:

Before you do something rash maybe find out what happened
( split up)....explain it is a part of you...you can shelf it for awhile but not forever. See if you can work on things.
Could be alot of reasons
1) loves you tried to get involved but not her cup of tea
2) with the other areas you hare having troubles in the cding
was the thing that tipped it over in her mind
3)you made all about you
4)you pushed it past her comfort zone...did she know you were thinking about taking it further...or was this hidden
5) she did not know before getting married and tried it...found it was not how she saw her life in years to come felt betrayed
6) or any number of reasons...point is find out and work on things

So I would say after things calm down talk...get it sorted...
Don't promise things that are not do/able
You said "My marriage has been nothing but ultimatums all the way through"....I am asking....why? Is it the only way she can get through to you? Please know we care and I am sorry...see if you can work on things between you...fix the other things that you are having trouble with and maybe it will not feel so overwhelming. Best Wishes

It's a pyrrhic victory unfortunately... I hope you find the peace to be yourself sometime in the future.

That's really sad :sad: I'm sorry your wife has done this to you. Have you asked her why the sudden change?

I feel for you dear Sister - my Spouse has given me ultimatums within the last 4 months - I can dress whenever I want to at home, as long as I do not shave my body hair - you may think this is a really good deal, but my twin brother is SMOKEY, the BEAR - after seeing so many beautiful, hairfree Sisters on this Forum, I am so frustrated - It is either Smokey the Bear's sister or a divorced hairless Crossdresser - I am torn up as well - I wish I could help you more as I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH

JoAnne Wheeler

Natasha, my heart goes out to you. This hits close to home because my wife and i are going through a difficult time now, brought to crisis level by my dressing. We have been seeing a counselor together for the last month, and it has really brought us back from the brink. He is a strong Christian counsellor, and that is what my wife and I need. Irrespective of that, he has opened our eyes to many aspects of our relationship that have been suffering, things that we just blamed on my dressing. If you and your wife truly love each other, please don't through in the towel without seeking outside guidance. What do you have to lose?

my prayers are with you

hugs,

Renee

Thanks ladies, for the words, I appreciated them all greatly.
No sudden changes, just told me she had enough if me dressing.
I will attempt to talk to her in the next few days and see where things lay, she suggested a trial seperation just this morning.
Ultimatums is how she deals with just about everything (throw back from her mother there).
I will be seeing where things go over the weekend and will know more by Tuesday as to where I stand.
We have been having 'discussions' about where our marriage was actually going.
I just feel at the moment I am better trying to get us to marriage counseller and then work out what we do.
I just don't know what to say, I will be intouch with everyone who has responded in the near future, as I feel a personal thanks and answer is called for in this case, but thats just me.
Thank you again

I also am sad to hear of your pain.

Having said that, I couldn't help noticing something in your thread that you mention so casually that it almost slides by with no notice:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Natasha1974

. . . I have been doing quite a lot of research into transition. . .
. . . at least talk to someone about it and see where I go from there . . .
. . . my hopes have been dashed. . . .

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With all respect to the TS folks here that are probably going to get angry at me for this, what did you expect your wife to do while you investigated your options for becoming female? As crossdressers, we already ask a great deal of our wives when we ask them to accept this part of ourselves. To ask, or expect, our spouses to stand by us as we actually change our genders is something many orders of magnitude beyond even that. I'm not saying that it never happens, but it is a hell of a lot to ask and we shouldn't be exactly shocked when she says "No, I can not accept my husband changing his gender, and will not live with another woman in a gay relationship".

I know my words sound harsh, but they're really not meant that way, and I truly AM sorry for the pain that you and your wife are both going through.

My very best wishes and hopes for you both,

Very sorry to hear Natasha,

Sounds like the marriage is in deep Do-Do, Any Ultimatum is unhealthy for any relationship, it just makes it worse & causes bitterness, and a councillor may be needed to help both of you figure out how to improve the relationship if it's possible, and it sounds like there's more to it than just the dressing, & she has other issues too.
If you two still cannot see eye to eye after that, then the inedible will follow with separation & divorce. or you both just live in misery, but that would hurt the children more than any big D will.
Sounds like you need to do lots of thinking & have some tough decisions on your future.

Good Luck & God Bless

Karen

Awww.. That is terrible!! I think I'd propose to her that you two try some councelling... Maybe you can come to some sort of comprimise..

Natasha, there is something else going on.
In my last relationship, T started out supportive and then "changed her mind".
She made an excuse to move out somewhere else with her kids.
Only later did I discover that there was another guy.
I hope I am wrong, in your case ...
Best wishes.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by TxKimberly

I also am sad to hear of your pain.

Having said that, I couldn't help noticing something in your thread that you mention so casually that it almost slides by with no notice:



With all respect to the TS folks here that are probably going to get angry at me for this, what did you expect your wife to do while you investigated your options for becoming female? As crossdressers, we already ask a great deal of our wives when we ask them to accept this part of ourselves. To ask, or expect, our spouses to stand by us as we actually change our genders is something many orders of magnitude beyond even that. I'm not saying that it never happens, but it is a hell of a lot to ask and we shouldn't be exactly shocked when she says "No, I can not accept my husband changing his gender, and will not live with another woman in a gay relationship".

I know my words sound harsh, but they're really not meant that way, and I truly AM sorry for the pain that you and your wife are both going through.

My very best wishes and hopes for you both,

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Kim,
You make a very valid point, and thanks for pointing that out, I read right over what she said there.. I'm going blind..
So, very true,
How much can one ask from a wife? Like,,, hey hon, I'm looking into turning into a woman now, you don't mind, Right??
I would think most women would say, WRONG sissy boy, I may be a woman & be understanding, but don't plan on turning into a lesbian for you..No fng way.

So, I wouldn't blame her a bit, it sure wouldn't be her fault she fell in love with a man, not knowing that man she married wanted to be a woman later..

So that's perfectly understandable in my woman's mind anyway..LoL

Karen

I'm sorry to hear of your struggles. I'm not going to try to give you any advise. Just want you to know we are here for you always! Hope it will all work out sweety!!

:hugs:Kelsy

In my experience, people that issue ultimatums usually do not want you to comply with them. Imean sometimes its necessary, I had to give my ex wife one about her drug use. Still tho, I hate ultimatums and they seem like tools to control people's behavior when overused. If it happened quite suddenly, somethings fishy. I submit to you the ultimatum given to Serbia by Austria after the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand. They were just looking for an excuse to start a war.

natasha I am so sad to hear of your troubles. I am afraid you have a long painful journey ahead of you. I just made that journey myself. I was divorced so fast it made my head spin. The pain is still there and the recovery processes is slow at best. good luck my dear and pm me any time if you like.

To Kim and Karen564, as I said, I had been researching it. I have not spoken of this to her and had not planned to until I had spoken to professionals regarding it, so the idea of transition has not come into any our our discussions.
But, I can understand your points of view if she had known.

I am sorry to hear that you are going through a very upsetting time, i know it will be very hard for you but if you can try and have a talk with your wife to try and find out what her main reason is for this upsetting action .

Didja go to far to fast for her?