GG Needs guidance please....

Hello everyone. I am so grateful to have found this forum. I could really use some advice.

I have been in a great relationship with the most amazing man I've ever known for a year and a half. About 2 months into the relationship I noticed my panties disapearing so I asked him if he knew where my panties were going. Right away he shows me where they are...he had been collecting and stashing thm away. So I said alright...just ask and you an have them. Next day, he unzips his jeans to show me he's weairing a pair and says, I just wanna feel something that was next to you next to me. I say...that's awesome, which has led to a very involved panty situation..which I actually like. Then...he starts wearing my clothes at home and attributes this to feeling naighty and I'm also fine with that.

Here's where it's starting to get a little complicated for me to handle. I inedverantly discover a wig collection, breast forms, shoes, make-up..the whole thing. He doesn't know that I know. I travel quite a bit for business and this happenned right before I went on the road for 2 weeks. Which was good because I was able to have my freak out on my own, otherwise probably I would have caused some sort of unhealthy scene. During that time I searched the internet and read everything I could about crossdressing, have calmed down a bit and am trying to get some perspective.

I am out of town do to a family thing and am going home this weekend. Deciding that I need to get him to show me this other side completely, I made the suggestion that maybe we should go shopping for a wig and other things cuz it would be fun. He jumped on that.

So now I am again having a bit of a freak out because I am fine with the underwear and lingerie and my clothes and stuff but am a little worried about what the next step is going to hold. I'm not sure I'm prepared for the full on experience but I love him so much and want him to do whatever it is he needs to do and embrace it. But I don't know how to handle it. Plus...I know that he already has all of thie stuff he's now all excited to shop with me for and I hate that he won't just come out with it and tell me. Althoug I think that the comfort level of doing this together might be what he needs.

Sorry about the long post but I am very nervous about fully seeing him as her and really love him and am worried about how I am going to react to her. How do I do this? I do feel even closer to him now but terrified about what's to come at the same time. Not sure I am ready for this. My biggest worry is that now that I have given him permission it's going to take over and change our relationship. I can totally see him as being a submissive woman and I'm not sure I know how to handle that either. But I love hime and I'm in this no matter what but help. How do you deal with a girlfriend and boyfriend in the same package? I know that seeing him in a wig is gonna be pretty dramatic. Plus he's a big athletic guy so it's a little hard to picture.

anyway...sorry again for the long post. Any advice would be so apprecited.

Nicky

Hello nicky and welcome,
well if you are not ready for it then say so and you ask if it is going to take over you relationship , i can`t truly answer that but from the sound of what you have said i would hazard a guess at yes it will as if what you have said is right then he is well into it already and sorry to say but the "i wore them because they are yours is one of are biggest excuse`s when we get caught.
Anyway it seams like you are happy to go quite far with it so tell him that and enjoy but just take it at your pace as his was set long ago .

Oh wow! What a fantastic lady you are, he's a very luck man to have found you.
I have to pop out now to do a job but I'll be thinking about this question whilst I'm out, I'll post my reply later.

Take care.

Charlotte

Nicky

I've got to get sorted for work so not got the time to post a proper reply, so I'll catch up tomorrow.

In the mean time have a read of this forum and check out the Loved Ones section, on things for sure you've come to the right place for advise and support.

What you've got there is a full on crossdresser, denials aside. "The Talk" should probably be done while he is dressed in his male clothes and in as comfortable situation as possible. Based upon what you've written it seems like you are as supportive as a person can be and that's good.

But as of yet you dont know where his head is in all of this. Many of us are in denial about our own activities so it would be worthwhile to explore his head on these issues , find out just where he is coming from but insist upon complete honesty, and accept it when he declares that he doesn't even know for sure. That is the most likely response he'll offer you. He might even suggest that you should take the lead and that is throwing the question into your lap, and if you are willing then go for it, but it shouldn't stop there.

It may take some time for him to begin the process of opening up and consider it an act of "exploring" this activity instead of some burden that must be born. It might not though. Is he a member here? If not then you should introduce him to us all and with a thousand friends that both of you have here you can discover many things

Blessings

Hi Nicki22
You have related a similar situation to my own.
My GG has the same concerns about how much I have in my closet and how this could affect our relationship.
I do think you both should read the post on "How to tell your Partner".You can find this at the start of the forum.
My partner and I talked and I have told her everything about how I cross dress.We are still working on the why.I am sure at this stage she does not want to see me dressed but if you are Ok with this let it happen.
Finally "See the person not the problem"
Philipa Jane

First of all, :welcom:, Nicky. Second thing, take a deep breath.

Let me say right up front, that I think you are doing just fine. You've shown a lot of care and compassion by researching to see what your BF is involved with. Now it's his turn to step up to the plate. Your discovery of his wigs, breast forms, etc., would appear to indicate he has an interest in things feminine. You are certainly entitled to know how deep his interests are. You are equally entitled to set boundaries as to how far you are willing to be a part of or participate in this part of his life. Set those boundaries right from the start. How about this for a starter...

Choose a time when the two of you will have several hours of uninterrupted time together, perhaps an evening. Prepare a nice meal around a relaxed atmosphere. Start a conversation along the lines of, "I think it is so special that you want to be so close to me that you wear things that are mine. It makes me feel that there is a special connection between the two of us. But I would be being less than honest with you if I didn't tell you that I am worried about where all this may be leading. I do want to understand and to support you because I love you so much. But I need you to tell me about this part of your life so I can see just where I fit in." Of course, you should only do this it that is truly the way you feel. But from looking at your post, it looks to me as if that is where your heart is. You've been together for a year and a half; by this time, you should both be able to share your feelings with one another without fear. Please let us know how things work out. :hugs:

Hello Nicky, and welcome!

I bet he's a little unsure. You sound almost too good to be true. Usually it's the other way around :)

The great thing here is that you get to make most of the rules, and one of those rules is setting limits. What "next step" are you worried about? You need to be able to answer that for yourself before you offer a blank slate to him, otherwise you may find yourself regretting it, and there's not really any going back. There can be an evolution of sorts with where "things end up" over time.

You deserve a great deal of kudos for doign the research, finding out all you can. It's awesome! But you also have freak-out on your mind, so a cautious step is needed. I think going shopping is a big icebreaker, maybe too big. You have to be careful: he's been semi-sneaking for what to him are all the right reasons, and coming on too strong too quick may seem like you're out to embarass or entrap him. Something more in-house may be more appropriate to start breaching his walls. Something simple, dramatic, and private would be to have some lipstick under your pillow to slip on him next time you're intimate (if you're sure YOU are up for that). It can be difficult from his point of view to see you at face value, and realise that's all there is. You sound very supportive, so be supportive.

The key things here are to let him know that you're ok with him wearing the clothes and the like. You sound like you're nervous with the full-meal-deal of forms, wigs, and the less superficial things - use the limits that are your right to set to take that at your own pace. How do you deal with both boy- and girl-friend in one package? How do you deal with 2-for-1 sales? It's that much an advantage for you if you're able to integrate the two into your life.

It will take time and patience on both your parts, but anything worth anything takes time, work, and patience. A relationship like yours definately sounds like it's worth something. Remember that Expections - Realisations = Disappointments. Baby steps!

Nicky,
Remember communication is key to any relationship. There's no need to directly confront him about the collection of things you found. As you say, you care dearly for this man so if you want to find out where things are going you have to ask. It's a scary ordeal for sure, but it has to be done. Nothing good will come from not talking about it.

One idea that he my have already is that you're ok with the whole thing. This idea has been most likely drawn out indirectly by allowing him to wear your underwear and clothes. You've expressed concern that you're not entirely ok with the whole situation, but by allowing/encouraging his actions he may take it as a sign of you being ok with everything. Something else to consider is that he was trying to slowly get you used to seeing him in female attire before telling you the whole story. It's hard to share something seens as "socially unacceptable" to people we see as "normal" but we still care about them and want them in our lives.

If you really do have genuine concerns that it will effect the relationship then you need to express them. If you agree to letting things continue the way they are then be sure to watch for any changes you're concerned about now and talk about them. You have as much right to having the relationship you want, as he has the right to have what he wants. Relationships that work are never "all or nothing" there has to be compromise on both sides.

I guess the only real advice I can give is that you need to communicate with him. Stay calm in the discussion no matter how he might react. Also, remember to be true to yourself. If you really aren't ok with something, you have to evalute if it's to a level where you're willing to pass on the relationship.

-Rachael

Hi there, Nicki. The other ladies have already given you some very sound advice. Please do not seize upon his failure to disclose this to you before now. His reasons are quite simple. He's scared. He's afraid of losing you over it. So he discloses his information a little at a time. He coveted your panties, and told you it's because he wants something that was close to you close to him. That's only partially true. I'm guessing the truer reason is that he enjoys wearing panties.

It's quite probable that he feels the same for you as you do for him. And the risk of losing someone that is that dear to you over something like crossdressing is a great fear in many of us. For this reason, many of us keep this part of our lives to ourselves, lest we risk losing that which is most dear to us. And whereas there are many GGs here that are truly supportive and accepting of their crossdressing men, I think they still are the exception rather than the rule. So it's easy for the crossdresser to assume that his unique behavior will not go over well with his SO. You hold all the cards here. You can really change his life by giving him your acceptance and support.

He's allowed you the knowledge of his affinity for panties, then the feminine clothing. But to him, he has no idea of how to tell you about the wigs and the breast forms. It's most likely that he stews about this on a daily basis, and that it worries him a great deal.

There is a fallacy that is held to be truth that most crossdressers want to be women, and will ultimately opt for a gender reassignment. The truth, however, is that most crossdressers, way over 95% of them, will never go that route, even if they desire it. Those are pretty safe odds. I don't think you should worry about that at this point.

And lastly, thank you for trying to educate yourself about all this before you jump into any kind of confrontation with him about this. I've often said on this forum that crossdressing is a lousy reason to end a relationship. But it's a great reason to allow a couple to grow closer together. I wish you both well. Perhaps we will see much more of both of you here. I would welcome it, and so would everyone else here.

I don't have time to read everyone elses posts so sorry if I repeat. When my wife found out she came back the next day with a list of questions for me. The usual are you gay, so on and so forth. But she also wanted to see all the clothes I had. She wanted to know how far I wanted to go with it. I would tell him you want to see everything he has so you know what you are getting into. Or you can phrase it better for him, you want to know what he has so you know what you need to get for him. I don't think it's fair for you if he can't be honest with you about it.
As far as where he's going with all this, I don't know if he can really say. He may know, but we all change as time goes on. I never wanted to transition or ever have surgerys or anything like that, I still don't, but I hear of a lot of people who start off like I have but end up wanting more.

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Originally Posted by Angelofsomekind

Or you can phrase it better for him, you want to know what he has so you know what you need to get for him.

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That is a beautiful combination of power and simplicity...

Hi Nicky,
I am so glad that you came to this site looking for answers. You say that you love your guy but it is obvious that you don't know everything about him. My suggestion is for you to not commit to him fully until you are comfortable with his dressing. I know that he will promise anything to not loose you. We tend to do that. But most of the time these are promises that we aren't able to keep.
Do the research, talk to other wives ( there is a GG section in this site ), and take it slow. Being with a TS/TG/CD person can be wonderful or it can be awful. And don't think that you can change him later. You can only change yourself. Good luck, Leanne

Hi,

I can only echo what so many others have already written. Your BF is extremely lucky that he has found someone so understanding in you. But you are allowed to have questions, voice your concerns, set some limits. He probably won't believe all his fears did NOT come true. Communication IS key.. so is trust and respect.

Have the talk.. I imagine things will work out fine. Good luck!

Hi Nicky

Welcome to the forum, you've come to the right place and you'll get some excellent advice from everyone. You might also want to join us on the FAB (female at birth) forum on this site after you've made 10 posts.

I have known about my SO for just over a year. Like you, I found out the full extent of his dressing before he told me. I did a ton of research on this site. At first it was jaw dropping! I would read something and think it couldn't possibly apply to me or my SO. I'd go away think about it, let it sink in and it seemed to find acceptance within me. A year later it's all absolutely fine, it's no longer the over riding part of our relationship, it's just part of it. We have a lot of fun with it.

You seem to have accepted so much about your SOs predilections so don't be too put off or shocked by what you read and remember that not all of it applies to your SO - transgenderism is a very wide and varied spectrum.

There is a thread somewhere about the pendulum of acceptance, I think it's something like 'now I like it, now I don't' which is very helpful. I'll try and find it and put a link up, if one of the regulars doesn't beat me to it!

Once you've had some open communication with your SO you can start to allay your fears and discuss your feelings.

:hugs:

thank you all so very much...I am so grateful for the replies. There are alot of things I'd like to follow up on regarding your comments, and I will later if that's alright. Should be working but this has taken over my days lately. I do have one question I just thought of. Do you feel like your authentic self is really your femme side, or do you feel split between both worlds? I guess my bigeest concern is that I don't even know his authentic self and she may be a completely different relationship to deal with and that scares me. I am such a one dimensional, no baggage, what you see is what you get person and I can't even imagine living with a secret you're afraid to share and worse...not being allowed to be your authentic self in a relationship. I love my BF so much...I don't want him to carrry that burden but at the same time it's reallt scary.

Thanks again so much, I can't even begin to tell you how much better I feel.

Much love....Nicky

Nicky the link Sarah is on about is [SIZE=4]HERE, just click on the word her that is highlighted and it will take you straight to it .[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Hun if you feel uncomfortable about anything, then please don't force yourself to do it, Rome wasn't built in a day and by talking to each other you stand a far better chance of making this work for both of you and your relationship.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4][/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Welcome to the forum :hugs:[/SIZE]

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Originally Posted by nicky22

I do have one question I just thought of. Do you feel like your authentic self is really your femme side, or do you feel split between both worlds? I guess my bigeest concern is that I don't even know his authentic self and she may be a completely different relationship to deal with and that scares me. I am such a one dimensional, no baggage, what you see is what you get person and I can't even imagine living with a secret you're afraid to share and worse...not being allowed to be your authentic self in a relationship. I love my BF so much...I don't want him to carrry that burden but at the same time it's reallt scary.

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Nicky, I am a lot like you; straight up and down. I am me, however I am dressed. You need not have any worries about what the "authentic you" is. You will not change, so please never feel any guilt about who you are or any pressure to change. If things get too, much (and I doubt that they will), be strong and walk away.

Your bf fits somewhere along a huge CD/TG spectrum, and one of the joys of your journey will be to find out exactly where this is.
As long as you and he can quickly agree NOT to keep any secrets, and always to be open and honest in your communication with each other, you should both be fine.

Your attitude gives this relationship a much more than even chance of being successful. Your bf is one lucky man! (and I use that word deliberately, never forget that underneath the clothes, he is still a he).

GG,

Well, I think you hit the right nail on the head:

"Who is this guy? Does even he know?"

Sounds like you've got an experienced, if partially clueless, CDer on your hands, at the very least.

Since he's not come out to you about his longer-time interest and he's playing you along, I'd be suspect of both his methods and his intentions.

One, it's bothersome that he'd not just come out and say:

"Wow. I'm glad you cool with this. Truth is..."

Two, my guess is he doesn't know where he's going with this and he's going to be a bit of an idiot for a while.

But, what can you do until you know more about yourself and what you're doing?

Still, here's the saving grace: he seems like an OK person otherwise, right?

So, here's what's what... If you're interested in pursuing this guy for the sake of a long term relationship, I suggest you say, "Look, bub, you've picked a pretty smart cookie to hang out with. Here's what I think is going on. Now, what do you think is going on?"

And, like I said, odds are he doesn't actually know yet. But, you should both know that he'll be on a hormone high for a while with all this and it's a bit like being drunk. There will be talk of "sex as a woman, finding my female side, just helps me relax, helps my sex life," etc. Later, when more sober, both of you will go, "Oh, hmmm. Well, turns out I/he/we are mostly about this or that. And, I feel _____ about the whole thing."

Time will tell because it takes time to process all the good and bad (dumb) ideas that neither of you have had the time, inclination, or opportunity to think up and process. A lot of this is "learn by doing/not doing."

It would be a lot easier on you if he'd do is own homework in all this - you'd think. But, the deal is, someone like you is part of his homework - just like someone like him is part of your homework, as it turns out. Well, that's dating... Learn from each other and see where you wind up.

Oh, as to your question... The longer a person does something like this, and the more time passes and the more questions get asked and answered, the less the difference between who the person is/seems to be when doing one thing or another.

I noticed this years ago at a "support" meeting when I realized most the older/practiced CDers where "the same person" all the time, and the youngest/just out CDers acted like kids at their first neighborhood birthday party. We'd just sit and listen, then say, "Well, good for you. Now, would you like to go with us for coffee?" Knowing, of course, that once they got past their nervousness at the support meeting, we'd get to know the real "them" better over coffee.

(Example: To a newbie who had been just shaking at the meeting... "So, you were a tank commander in the Gulf War?" "Yes, first in..." Insert here 90 minutes of blowing up "those poor dumb Iraqi tank drivers." TMI, and nothing to do with CDing. Interesting use of tax dollars though...)

Expect your BF to play a role for a while, but one day he'll probably be dressed in his finest and start an unladylike yelling at some football game on television.

Some things never change...

Thanks for checking and good luck.

PS

You know, now is fine for playing around at this, but come back later and ask about how we all work with this long-term. Once you're past this wrinkle yourself, for example, you'll have to consider how your family, your kids, your neighbors, etc. might feel/react to all this. You can "out muscle" their knee-jerk reactions fairly easily if you can demonstrate that this is only part of who he/you together are. It's like, "Yeah, he hunts deer - and he shoots a lot of trees. But, it keeps him busy and he so "owes" me when I want to do something..."

I'm sure you feel a bit deceived by all the stash, but it sounds like he's trying to bring you up to speed a bit at a time. At least he's not trying to hide it completely, so tell him you'll give him a little credit for that. :)

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Originally Posted by nicky22

So now I am again having a bit of a freak out because I am fine with the underwear and lingerie and my clothes and stuff but am a little worried about what the next step is going to hold.
[...]
Althoug I think that the comfort level of doing this together might be what he needs.

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I think you'll find that nothing will slow him down faster than positive encouragement, strange as that sounds. :) It's the forbidden quality of it all that's part of the attraction. Your way of dealing with this indicates to me that he's pretty much a regular guy, so work with that attitude. He's just a regular guy with an odd fashion sense. Dress him up, take him out, get him drunk, take him home and boink him silly. A couple times a month with that, and you should have a happy camper.

Just avoid treating this like a problem, instead of a hobby or a kinky thing. Maybe you're not totally turned on, but I'll bet not everything you like turns him on either.

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Originally Posted by nicky22

Sorry about the long post but I am very nervous about fully seeing him as her and really love him and am worried about how I am going to react to her.

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There is no "her." It's just your guy, in drag. You might have to make sure he doesn't forget that, like a lot of people here seem to have. Like sissystephanie says about how his late wife saw him: "lady on the outside, man underneath." Slap him silly if he starts to lisp.

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Originally Posted by nicky22

Do you feel like your authentic self is really your femme side, or do you feel split between both worlds?

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My authentic self is me... an obnoxious redneck. On occasion, an obnoxious redneck wearing makeup. :D

I may be wrong but i get the feeling that your boyfriend is and has been way into Cding for a long time and he will have no problem in discussing it with you , in fact i would say that he will be over the moon , now you ask how much does your female side effect your authentic self , well basically as much as you or the people around you will let it so it will be in there right from the start but hidden until you know it is OK for it to come out , and come out it will as you have already seen to that .

Nicky,

He is inded a very lucky man to have found a very supportive SO. You need to know what his intentions are as well as what is acceptable amount of "dress up" time that will satisify both of your needs and wants.

You need to take is slower until you can accept it all and then again you may love it and want him to dress more often.

Open communication is the key to both of you getting what youwant out of it.

Always remind him of your needs too. Don't let him get carried away with shopping as we have a feminine side and will shop and buy constantly. Set aside time for you where he is in male mode and is the 100% man you married. Don't let him push you into something you're uncomfortable with be it dressing, buying or going out en femme. Have "discussions" to level the playing field. Support him but don't let him change your life to suit his. Remind him marriage is give and take.
He will make a great husband as he probably can do all house tasks and cooks too. If he's like me he's pretty tough too. He will be caring and understanding.

Hi Nicky,

You are one incredible woman. I have a wife just like you and believe me you are both one in a million.

Let me say that first he has probably been doing this for a long time. Maybe since childhoood. There is a great chance that he will not change much at all from this point forward.

BUT...

Even though you are incredible and love him and sound like you are fairly accepting of it you have to really get in touch with your own feelings and concerns and set some boundaries that both of you are comfortable with.

I can't believe I'm saying this because, from my perspective, I wish my wife and I had no boundaries. :)

I do know though that boundaries are good and you need to make sure that your end of the relationship is being served too. You don't exist to just please him. You have to be pleased too. My wife needed the boundaries so I accept them.

My wife was scared to death that she was going to lose her husband. That is the first reaction that I've heard from almost every wife I've talked to about this. So I assured her that it wouldn't happen. In my case, that was the truth. If it isn't in his mind then you have got to get him to be honest aobut all of his feelings.

This is where I would also make another important suggestion. Don't just run out and embrace this and start buying stuff for him. You both have to face the past and why he is doing this and what his true feelings are. I would sit him down and make sure he opens up to you, is totally honest about his past and tells you about his stash. Today is where the lies and deceit end. By the way, the lies aren't necessarily designed to hurt you...they might be to avoid hurting you. That is why I lied about it for so long.

To get him to open up you are probably going to have to open up to him. Tell him how much you love him, how you want to stay with him for ever and how you want to support him. You also need to tell him what you are afraid of and what you don't want to see happen. It is all about compromise. If you can reach an agreement on this then it should flourish.

As far as him dressing in front of you goes...that is one of the first things my wife asked me to do. I would help him and definitely watch the transformation. If he does a "reveal" then it might shock you or you might think he looks silly depending on his experience level and skill with makeup. If you see him slowly get ready then you shouldn't bust out in laughter. :)

Once you come to this agreement and what you need in the relationship then embrace it and then taking him shopping. :)

If you are like my wife then you'll find that you aren't losing a husband, you are gaining a girlfriend. My wife and I are closer than we've ever been and we've been really close for 25 years.

You might want to take a look at my blog. The link is in my signature below. It is quite extensive now so if you keep going back and back to the firmst post entitled, "In the beginning..." it will chronicle my coming out to my wife and everything that has happened since then. I think it might give you some insight into the ups and downs that might happen over the coming months.

Good luck and IM me if you need anything. I also volunteer my wife if you need to talk to someone that has gone through this.

Kisses,

Allie

P.S. Also be careful because some people will lead you to believe this has to be hard. It isn't going to be easy but it doesn't have to be a terrible curse. It can be a wonderful thing.

An answer to one of the big questions: All CD's are not one unified thing, not all identical in what is right for us. Just as being black, being female, being gay, is not all one simple unified thing under those categories. You'll have to ask him what feels right for him. Obviously he's more than just a panty fetishist, which is what he initially said to you. You need to sit down & talk with him about being okay with it, but that you need open honest answers from him.

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Originally Posted by nicky22

I do have one question I just thought of. Do you feel like your authentic self is really your femme side, or do you feel split between both worlds?

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Nicky, it's so cool that you went into research mode instead of just bailing out of the relationship. As you may have noticed, questions like that won't get you a single, consistent answer; ask any five guys why they crossdress and what they feel about it, and you'll get six conflicting answers. Some of us are just in it for the clothes, and as long as we can have some time to just sit around feeling comfortable in a dress, we're good to go. We don't need or want to feel like, act like, or be treated as women and we certainly don't want to become women. On the opposite extreme of course are the pre-op (or "never-op") transsexuals who wish they had been born a woman and are either on their way to the full snippage or, if for whatever reason they can't do that, at least want to get as close as possible to purging themselves of all Y chromosomes. Somewhere in the middle are the majority - some like to use a "female" name when dressed, some believe they have two physically distinct personalities depending on whether they are dressed, some just want to sit around at home and feel pretty, some want to go on the town and be admired.

There's really no way for us to tell you where your man is on that scale - and he may not even know for sure himself. So together, you'll need to find out his needs and your limits. How comfortable would you feel if he decided to change his name to Sally and live full time as a woman? If the idea scares you to death, don't count on that feeling going away in 5, 10, 20 years... set limits NOW for what you are comfortable with NOW. If he needs to take it much further than you're prepared to live with, it would be brutal on both of you to pretend otherwise.

Which leads me to a topic you probably already know, but needs to be emphasized: Whatever level of gender identity he deals with is not just a passing whim or a hobby he can give up like stamp collecting. It was a part of his nature before he knew it, and if he's like the rest of us he was probably scared and confused when the feeling first manifested. Some few have tried and succeeded to give it up entirely, but not without terrific emotional cost and most of us have tried and failed many times (read up on "purging").

As the happily married CDing man of a wonderful woman who understands and accepts, even if she's not particularly thrilled about it, I hope things work out for the both of you.

I agree with many of the comments posted so far in particular the reading of the threads "How to tell your partner" and "Now I Like It, Now I Don’t: Understanding the Acceptance Pendulum" ..... but then I would wouldn't I? as not only are they very helpful but my wife wrote them both :) I have a feeling that you re going to come out of this feeling ok Nicky:hugs:

Rachel..I read both of your wife's articles before I even joined the forum. I have read and researched quite manicaly lately. I was a reporter for 8 years and automatically go into research mode when I need to know something. Never thought this would be a topic I'd be right in the middle of. Please thank your wife for the extremely helpful and well written, informative posts. Phew..can't wait to be over the shock and trauma and hopefully on to the well balanced part of this journey where the 2 of you must be! Thanks so much for the post! Nicky

thanks for coming to the site you will find great support here

as of your question i think you should let him be who he is because if you let most men crossdress out in the open they will not change who they are in the inside the only time a crossdresser changes is if they have to hide who they are

I suspect that you are "freaking out" because you think he might be gay or transexual---don't jump to conclusions before talking with him about it---many CDers are straight heterosexual males who have no desire to change their gender--This board is full of CDers like that-chances are if he is in a relationship with a women he falls into that catagory---your best tact is to sit down with him and talk about it---if he tells you that he is one of the cders mentioned above then I would take him at his word---the next question is can you handle a relationship with a guy who likes to dress fully and present as a female---that's something only you can answer--good luck

Phew you've had a lot of good advise here.

You need to know what is going on so, keep the communication open, talk and listen to each other.

You may read on here some things that concern you, wondering if your partner will be the same, it doesn't always work like that and everyone is different.

I hope you decided to join us in the F.A.B forum, where you'll get to meet more of the wives/partners.

Thank you everyone for the amazing insights. So much info it's a little...alot much to get my mind around. Honestly you all have made this so much easier to deal with, I can't thank you enough. I am so worried about having "the talk". Is that really necessary? Wouldn't it be easier to just let things unfold naturally. Does anyone really even know why? So many things to think about....thank so much again!!!! Nicky

Nicky:

You're more than a CD could hope for in terms of how acceptant you are. You found out about "her" in a way that would scare off most girls, and not only are you OK with it, you did research. It's really nice to hear there are women out there like you.

At this point, you just have to be honest with him. If you're freaked out, or you think you're not ready for something, you should just say so pre-emptively. You should have a discussion with him to draw boundaries and such, and just to have it out in the open... It's better not to harbor all these secrets, especially when they involve feelings of resentment, in relationships. Plus, hopefully, your honesty will inspire him to be more honest as well.

Good luck!

Nicky

You have had a lot of good advice from both CDs and GGs.

You believe in the relationship and want to make it work because you love him and that is great.

It is a huge, stressful thing to "come-out" and it sounds like he has been trying to let you know what he is. Believe me, if he wanted to hide things, he would and you would not have known. Having said that don't just hand acceptance on a plate - make him make the next move - you have been fantastic thus far.

Also recognise that he has probably been doing it for a long time or has suppressed the desire to for a long term.

Having seen on this forum some of the men and then their female persona it would make your draw drop - big hulking sporty guys becoming stunning women!

I have always played major competitive physical sports and ben a CD at the same time.

The need just does not go away.

As Allie said you are one in a million and I hope it works out. The worst thing you can do is to force him into a closet - then you might well lose him.....

Thanks again everyone for the amazing suppot. Could someone explain the importance of setting boundaries to me? And why that's important and what and how...you all are fantastic!

Oh wow, I just came back to offer my tuppence worth but everyone else has pretty much covered it.

Like I said, you sound like a gem of a lady, I wish you both well.

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Originally Posted by nicky22

...Could someone explain the importance of setting boundaries to me? And why that's important and what and how...

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Boundaries are simply setting the parameters of what is safe for both of you. For example, physical intimacy when dressed; is that something you want to explore or would you just as soon not go there at this time. Are you comfortable if the neighbors see you BF dressed? If not, how will she enter/exit the home? At what level are you willing to participate? Go shopping with her? Help her with her makeup? Accompany her outside the house? These are just a few suggestions. I'm sure you will come up with others on your own. One word of caution, however. Boundaries have a tendency to change. This is not a bad thing, but you should be prepared to revisit them from time to time. And it should be by mutual agreement. This is all part of the ever-important communication that is imperative in any healthy relationship. Don't fear "the talk" but embrace it as a step forward in your overall ability to relate to one another more intimately than before.

Nicky, If you want to have that "talk", just be prepared to hear to hear more detail that you are ready to know or find out. I am sure he feels liek he has a gorilla on his back and would love to share and open up to you as log as you are open and accepting of it.

There is some merit in letting it flow and happen naturally but he will be looking for some indications from you as to when you are ready and want to talk about it.

Once again you need to think about what you want from it, how much you want it to happen, and how much you want to participate in it.

My wife was the same way that you are now. It does take some getting use to because it is different. Now we are the best shopping buddies. She knows what fits me and trys it on so that we will not need to return things don't that fit. Shoes are a different thing I wear an eleven and she wears a seven. My wife is fine with the CD situtation and has coped through the learning process well. From the way you are talking it sounds like you will do just fine. Good Luck!!

Hi Nicky,If I were him and found someone some what accepting like yourself,I would take things super slow because I would be worried about loosing you.Everyone is so different when it comes to sharing innermost secrets,he may really be terrified of telling you the rest.I'm sure with time and being a bit inquisitive it will come out.

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Originally Posted by nicky22

Could someone explain the importance of setting boundaries to me? And why that's important and what and how...

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Not meaning to be blunt, but it looks like at least half the replies over the past couple of days explained just that. Try this one on for size:

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Originally Posted by ralph

So together, you'll need to find out his needs and your limits. How comfortable would you feel if he decided to change his name to Sally and live full time as a woman? If the idea scares you to death, don't count on that feeling going away in 5, 10, 20 years... set limits NOW for what you are comfortable with NOW. If he needs to take it much further than you're prepared to live with, it would be brutal on both of you to pretend otherwise.

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Thanks Ralph...point taken. At this point, I need blunt. Guess I am in such a state of information overload and still in overwhelmed mode...but I am trying to understand things as completely as I can and I loved your post..thanks for that...and the bluntness..Nicky

Boundaries are not a must. They can be used to protect individual feelings and attitudes toward many areas, as well as group interests. They are present in most human relationships from couples, fraternities, work groups, to families, etc. For example, a common boundary is having only one SO at a time, but some couples are ok having multiple relationships at the same time. Your SO's crossdressing is now becoming part of your relation and you both should be comfortable with it. If you force your self to accept things you really does not like or tolerate that will hurt the relation sooner or later. So, the boundaries should be there if you as a couple think they could help to protect the relationship (which should include respect for individual preferences). Things could happen naturally at some point, and you can eventually let that happens only if you feel comfortable but in most cases "the talk" is needed. But be sure it happens in a very relaxed way. You are wonderful, I am sure you as a couple will drive this to reinforce your relation.

Thank you Rachel. Very eloquently put. It's really hard to fit this situation into any kind of framework when you don't even really understand it and it's all new. This forum and everyone's different insights help so much. Thank you all for that.

Nicky,

It was really a pleasure speaking with you on the phone last night. You are one awesome woman. The kind of woman any man/cd, would be lucky to have.

There were a couple of observations I had that are important to remember.

First, I think the your SO has been crying out to be discovered almost since the beginning. When you found he was basically stealing your panties you asked him why. He said he was wearing them. You didn't ask the next question that most women would ask, "Why?". If you would have asked him to explain himself it might have got you to where you are now a lot quicker. Since then he has been wearing your stuff and admits it freely. But you still haven't asked, "Why?".

Honey, I think you need to ask him, "Why?". He is probably dieing to tell you but is so afraid to bring it up himself. As I mentioned, I didn't lie because I didn't love my wife. I lied because I loved her so much I could stand the thought of losing her.

You don't have to bust him on his stash but give him the opportunity to be honest with you. Ask him why he feels the need to dress in women's clothes. Ask him how long he's felt this way. Ask him where he would like this to go. Tell him how much you love him and how you are there to support him and help him get there.

Second, I know you hate the word "boundaries". So what you need to do is not set boundaries but let him know what you want, need and what you are afraid of. If he truely loves you then he will set his own "boundaries" and make sure that these needs are met and that your fears are never realized. If he isn't willing to do what he has to do to please you then you need to know that now and not 5 years down the road. You are investing a lot of time, money and emotion into this relationship. That investment needs to be a good one for you. You have got to be a little selfish...not too selfish...just a little. If you tell him that you don't want to lose the man you fell in love with and he respects that then you probably will not lose that man but instead gain a really close girlfriend.

I hope this helps...

Be sure to keep me updated. You have my phone number. You are welcome to call, text or write me any time you want. I talked to my wife last night too. She is more than happy to talk with you if you need a woman's point of view.

Kisses,

Allie

Thank you Allie;

You have no idea how much I appreciate your taking the time to talk to to me. You have so many great insights and have given me so much to think about. Wow..a better question than why didn't I ask why might be a question to myself...why didn't it occur to me to ask why? Hmmmm..he did tell me the I was wearing them because they're yours excuse which I have since learned is what CD's say. But most women would probably need to know why. Whay don't I?? I do have very nice underwear! Maybe it's self protection, who knows. Lots to think about. And I will be back home soon and will def be in touch. Thank god for this forum and all of the wonderful support and advice...one day he should be thannking you all too!!! Nicky

We are all unique individuals. What is right for one won't be right for all. The members have written a lot of good advice. All of it has been done with loving care, I'm sure. Some of it will fit your circumstances, some will not fit. Feel free to chose what you believe will fit and from which you can most probably benefit. Use what fits, discard the misfits.

One thing not previously mentioned is EXPECTATIONS. It's essential, I think, to be as expectation neutral as you can possibly be. Too often we plunge into relationships with out examining our expectations and find our expectations setting standards and rules applying to our relationship/partners in ways which risk or actually drive the relationship to ruin.

Some relationship expectations are realistic and they should rightly be guiding the development of the relationship. Some are unrealistic and if not adjusted can make the relationship resemble a train wreck.

I learned in my practice many years ago I was not all wise and could not simply tell younger couples how to live their relationships, so I just offer this bit about expectations and their power to drive a relationship down a smooth path or to drive it off into a canal. You impress me as being a heads up young lady, so I merely offer thoughts you may wish to consider.

After all, I'm just an old CD/TG Curmudgeon of the first order. J:thumbsdn:

For me? I just like getting 'girly' and having fun with it. I enjoy it. There's no deep pyschological meaning to it. I've always been drawn to feminity and expressions of such.

Girls want to have fun, and cross dressing is fun. Being a girl is and can be fun.

You might want to read a book titled "Brain Sex to help in understanding all of this. It has very little to do with CD'ing per say, and more about why people are the way they are.

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Originally Posted by nicky22

Thank you everyone for the amazing insights. So much info it's a little...alot much to get my mind around. Honestly you all have made this so much easier to deal with, I can't thank you enough. I am so worried about having "the talk". Is that really necessary? Wouldn't it be easier to just let things unfold naturally. Does anyone really even know why? So many things to think about....thank so much again!!!! Nicky

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Is it necessary? Not at all.

Is it helpful for some folks, particularly those who need to have and understand clear rules? Absolutely.

But if the idea of sitting down with your husband and having "the talk" is upsetting you or causing you undue stress - you don't have to do it. Seriously. Provided that you are a person who is comfortable with a healthy level of ambiguity, you may never have to have "the talk." Seriously, if this is causing you a huge amount of worry - it is completely back-burner-able.

Think of this "talk" like the other "talk" most people experience in their lives - the one with mom and dad, and some really confused bumble bees. Is it necessary? Of course not - lots of people never get that talk, and they figure things out on their own - sometimes through friends, sometimes through through research, sometimes through groping (clumsily) in the dark. Is that "talk" helpful? For some folks it is, if the parents are healthy parents, comfortable with sex, and know what they are talking about (good luck with that one). For other folks, having that talk with their parents can be traumatic and counter productive, leading to all sorts of fears, guilt and bad information around something that is supposed to be beautiful and fun.

I would expect that at some point the charade you have going on is going to come to a close with some sort of disclosure - either he is going to put on his big-girl panties and tell you, or you are going to confront him (I suggest you wait for the former, but drop plenty of hints that you would be receptive to him and let him reveal himself on his own schedule - that is just me). When that happens - however it happens - I would expect that there would be some healthy conversation, right? Seems like a natural conversation starter to me. Seems like the best of both worlds, right? A natural development - and a healthy conversation. Win win.

If you do decide to sit him down - do keep this one thing in mind: Don't scold him, and don't treat him like he has cancer or some horrible debilitating illness that is going to destroy the world. It sounds like you have been exceptionally awesome - with us - don't flush that winning record when and where it really counts. The part that is important is that you treat him with respect, dignity, and admiration.

I agree , it is not necessary to have this what some call the big talk , as i myself prefer to let things unfold naturally and may be slowly in that way it is less stressful for both , it is much easier to just say when you dont like some thing and when you do like something , the CDer will soon pick up on what is aloud and what is not , go with your instincts not anyone else`s .