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My heels, my clothes, my lingerie, even my makeup. All of it, in the trash. And I just feel awful now. I just...I don't want to do this anymore. Or maybe...well, I don't WANT to want to do this anymore! I want to go back to the way things were, but I don't know if I can.
I just wanna cry.
Leyna, we all go through purges. At least we all do until we learn that what we're doing is not wrong. Until we can let go of the guilt.
We are who we are, Leyna. Accept that. Learn to love yourself for who and what you are. Is it easy? Heck no! Nothing that is worthwhile ever is.
Part of me wants to tell you to go out to the trash can and retrieve all of your stuff to be put away for when you're ready, but that is a decision you must make on your own. Until then, we're here to help.
Kathi
Leyna, I too have done the same thing, and I miss my stuff. That was allot of money I threw away. Heels, outfits, wigs, yes make-up and brand new hose in the packages. I only went right back to dressing and spent more money to rebuild my collection. These purges are normal. But just breath my friend, as Kathi said we are all here for you. One step at a time and when you ready to move forward nothing can stop you. BTW, next time you throw away stuff, send it to me. I'll save it for you and when you want it back.
Thanks Kathi. I know what you're saying is true, but I just can't do this anymore. I can't bear the thought of my wife finding out. She would NOT understand this AT ALL. She would think it was because she was somehow inadequate, that this was her fault.
And I know this is something that a lot of you have gone through. Usually, that helps. But not right now.
I've done it many times myself. I did it because I felt that doing this made me a pervert.
I'm not comfortable with this part of me yet, and I don’t know if I ever will. For decades, I thought I was the only one with this problem and if I got rid of all my pervert stuff it would be easier to stop thinking this way.
I've come to realize, with the help of the people at this sight, that I am not a pervert. What we do harms no one.
We are told by society that what we are is wrong. But society at one time or another has told other groups of people that they should be ashamed of themselves. Like being a Jew, or Christian, or having dark skin, or being a women, or not being born from the right family. The list is very lengthy
There is nothing wrong with you.
You are a good person. Whether you dress again or not isn't important. Follow you heart and find what makes you happy. Its ok to cry and work through the frustration. Take all the time you need and do what you need to do to be happy.
And as Kathi said, we are here to help. Talk all you want. We understand and we will listen.
Samantha
every one of us goes through those stages but I think after you done the feelimgs come back stronger to dress
Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, has both masculine and feminine qualities in their personalities in proportions that span the entire range from 1F/99M to 99F/1M. The message that most of our 'civilization' wants to convey is that expressing your femininity makes you less of a man. That is dead wrong. Allowing yourself to become whoever you are makes you more of a complete human being, not "less of a man". I sincerely hope you can find your peace within that.
Leyna,
Kathi is right on the money. The guilt makes us purge, and the desire overcomes the guilt in time, and we regret that decision to toss out the special items which are part of who we are.
Best wishes and hugs,
Colleen
Better to put it all in a box, tape it up securely, and put the box in the deepest, darkest corner you have. After a year goes by you will be sure that you can do without them and you will be able to throw it away without doubt.
Otherwise, you risk the double guilt of "slipping back" and having to spend money to replace all those clothes.
The road to self-acceptance is a long and weary one and it's littered with purges and self-loathing. Even I once tried to quit over 25 years ago, and it turned out to be one of the most ridiculously futile things I ever tried to do.
Don't ever feel bad about being who you are and the way you express yourself. You have just as much right to share this planet as anyone else. Remember, a crossdresser who doesn't dress is like a bird that doesn't fly. Denying yourself the right to do what nature intended you to do is harmful not only to you but also to nature.
Yes, you will eventually have to deal with your spouse over your cding and that could get rough, but life is filled with problems just like these to overcome. Problems you can overcome, but how can you live your life as half a person?
Leyna
I am sure you feel you have done the right thing
Most if not all of us have thrown things in the trash and given up. Unfortunately those of us who grew up in pre internet days had no idea that its not something thats easy to stop. I gave up for a few years due to guilt and thinking it was just a phase I was going through. I was sure wrong about that. I soon realised this was part of who I am and nothing was going to change that. Accepting this is part of you will help. It might only be a small part but only you will know how much.
I suggest you read the link in my signature on telling your partner as at some point you may decide to tell her.
Having said all that I do wish you the best of luck in your choices. :hugs:
I have done the same many times in the past. A few weeks ago, my deepest fear came to fruition. My wife found everything! At first, it was a pretty rough road. She had all the typical thoughts...fear that I was gay, thoughts of being inadequit (sp?), and thinking that I had serious mental issues. We didn't talk for almost a week. Now, things are MUCH better. She has done some reading on the subject, and I explained everything to her as truthfully as possible. She can see (and has stated many times) how much happier I am. She did set some boundries (for now), which I can easily honor. She washes all my panties, and is OK with me wearing them. Sports bras are no problem. She is also fine with my colorful toenails. At this point, she does not want to see me in a skirt, and doesn't want to see me walking around in satin panties. I really found out that she does love me no matter what, and our relationship has never been better. We have been married for 28 years.
My advice to you is to try to tell her. It would be much easier than the way my wife found out. If she really does love you, she would understand. Explain to her how good it makes you feel. Good luck!
A classic purge! We've all been there, and gone through it. Most of us have regretted it, and got to work on replacing the things we tossed. Good luck.
If I had a dollar for every purge our members have done...I'd have enough to replace all the stuff I toss when I purged! DOUBLE!
Em
Leyna,
I can understand how you feel. It is like betraying your wife's trust. I was in that situation before.
However, purging was never my choice. I have to purge 2 times over the last few years before because my wife found out accidentally. Recently, I came out to her again, yet again she does not accept. At least this time, she did not force me to purge. I tried to stop for one month and it sucks. It does not feel right. Everytime I see girls dressed in pantyhose and stocking at work, in shopping mall,... everywhere it keep reminding me of Cassandra. I get very frustrated at times. Then, I quit stopping. Now, I still underdress to work daily and dressed occassionally head to toe. I think she knows I still dress and we are in a don't ask don't tell situation. I think she just does not want to say she allow me to dress and at the same time she knows I cannot change.
In the meantime, we are building our relationship stronger than ever. I know, I have to keep assuring her my love for her in any way I can. I will keep telling and showing I love her and is her man. She knows that, and has been more tolerant of other issues we have. She knows Cassandra's closet is still somewhere in the house. In the meantime, it is my duty to educate her in small baby steps until she understand and accept. It is a long road up the hill, but I know to climb the hill I have to take baby steps. Eventually, I hope I would be there.
Well, its all good and fine if you can really stop. You won't find anyone that stop over here because, if they can they would not be here in this forum.
Why I am telling you this is because I want to let you know that you are not wrong being what you are. You are not wrong by not telling her because of your love for her and the fear of losing her or rejection. And I salute you if you really can stop.
You know what is best for you and the choice is in your hands. I wish you both all the best.
Cassandra
where did you through it.
Sorry about the way you feel But it is a classic purge I give you a month at the most before yourback at it. Get some help See a therapist, You are not nuts or perverted. It is just part of you Good luck
Thank you for sharing, Cassandra, that was very helpful.
This isn't as much about me accepting myself as it is about her. She has had a very bad year, and I don't want to dump more stuff on her. I love her dearly, and she needs a strong man right now, not a girlfriend. And I'm going to do my best to be that.
We have all been there and throwing away the clothes doesn't solve the problem. The only thing that I have found that does helps is understand and accept yourself. I have packed Michelle up several times when I needed to be there for someone. The comfort of knowing that Michelle was able to come back made those times bareable. I hope you will get through these times and find a better of dealing with them in the future.
Leyna,
Like so many girls before me, I have been where you are now, and thank goodness I have progressed past that point with love and understanding from my wife.
I know you said that you fear how your wife will not understand and that she will feel it is her fault, but you must have faith in your love for each other. I am so pleased to tell you that I also had those same feelings and fears, but the happiest day of my life was the day that my wife and I finally DID have that heart to heart chat about Jenny.
I did feel very nervous, and she did have some questions that were very scary to answer, but as the saying goes, "The truth will set you free!"
Wish you the best, have faith and being different is not wrong....it is just different.
My wife says the same thing and always has.Quote:
Originally Posted by suzanne
Good luck, and here is a hug.
Sweetie I hate to say we have all done what you have and most have made it for awhile but It comes back and haunts you in so many ways. Sure you don't have clothes but can you shop for male clothes and not wish you were buying cute girl clothes? Can you ever forget what you gave up for your spouse and want her to do the same for you? See how it goes but know it is part of you and managing it like any other disease or long term issue is the best. I have tried and am with a spouse who hates just the thought of it, i don't dress much , I hate keeping secrets but I also don't want to kill our love over MY issue for my own selfish reasons. Get some help on how to handle this within your self if she does not want to help. Tina
I've been thinking about throwing some of my stuff out also, but am hesitant. Dresses and skirts usually make me feel better when I'm down in the dumps. Lately dressing in skirts or dresses dosen't seem to help. I might just take everything out of the closet (no pun intended) and out of the dresser and store in a box just in case.
Although I personally purged all of my things about a year ago and have not had to go out and buy new.... I think you are receiving some very good advise here. If possible, go get your things and then just box them away. Purging is an expensive habit, as most CDs never really want to give it up. Most CDs purge due to feelings of guilt over being caught or shame. Some unfortunately have SOs that just can't tolerate any level of dressing and give the CDer an ultimatum and force the CDer to choose between the SO and their things. (Not much of a choice there, if you love your spouse)
Sorry to hear you made the plunge...I did it myself about 2 years ago and threw out about $750 worth of perfectly good clothes, shoes, etc.....I will always follow the advice of Eryn by putting it into a box, sealing it and storing in the deep corner of the attic for at least 2 years in the future. I go back and forth all the time on whether this is right for me. I guess like everything in my life, I need to go all in to figure it out....the problem is I can always justify not doing it...wrong time of year-someone may see my shaved legs, my wife (who is accepting but not turned on by my CD ways)-may not love me, and then things like th catholic guilt....any way, I hope you are able to get to a place that you are happy with!
Leyna, first off I here is a big :hugs:. Everyone here empathizes with you. One suggestion though, maybe if you ever feel this urge again, store your stuff. Just talking from experience, and experience is expensive!!! I do hope you get the chance in the not to distant future to talk to your wife about this. You never know it may not be the end of the world.
[SIZE=4]I hate to even think of the number of times I purged until I knew better. Fortunately I haven't in over 30 years and am much better off for not purging.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4][/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]About 4 years ago I posted a thread either here or on another forum offering to hold packages for anyone that felt that they needed to purge. The offer was for you to simply package up your stuff, ship it to me and I would hold it (just as I received it) for as long as you wished. When you wanted it returned, I would ship it back to you. To date four girls have taken me up on the offer and I have 2 of their packages still in storage. The other two realized their mistakes and I sent their packages back to them.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4][/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]I am hoping the two remaining girls realize their mistake and ask for their packages back. They are not taking up much space, it is just that I feel for them, having wasted so much time and money over the years in my purges.[/SIZE]
Go easy on yourself. Take some time, relax and let things happen. As everyone knows, purges happen. Maybe you'll be on hiatus for weeks, months or years...or forever. It doesn't matter. All that you need to do is be happy with yourself from day to day.
i am in the same situation with my gf. she has only seen me dress for halloween parties but hates it because she sees me as a manly man.i have a dirty mans job, i am well built so when i was in my costume i did look a bit silly in a skin tight top, but she didnt seem to realise that i was extemely happy when i was dressed and i loved every minute.i have purged in the past and it made me feel great for about a day, and then i saw someone wearing some boots that were the same style as the ones i threw away and that broke my heart because only a couple of days earlier i was strutting my stuff in my back garden in those same boots.ive been where you are and its not a nice feeling.but the night is darkest before the dawn, and things will get easier with time.learn to accept yourself and maybe others including your wife will realise that dressing makes you happy.good luck sweetheart.xxx
I am me and thats the way I've always felt about my dressing. I've onbly ever purged once and thats before heading off to VN. I felt terrible about that purge because I really had some really nice things.
I have to agree with Aaron wholeheartedly. I have a very broad, muscular chest, tattoos (no, not butterflies and unicorns...lol!), and a mustache. I realize that I am certainly not fooling anyone, and that I probably look silly in a slinky cami top and miniskirt. The thing about it is, is that I don't care if I look silly...IT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD! My wife really seems to understand and appreciate that, as she has seen a complete change in my attitude; I am far happier than I was in the past. She understands this, and while she is not yet fully comfortable seeing me dressed, or hearing me talk about cute panties or a nice skirt or dress I like, she accepts this as part of me. I'm sure she will be more comfortable as time goes on. I now have my toes painted 24/7, wear panties most of the time (really can't with my job), and sleep in womens PJ's...and she is really good about it. I honestly thought I was going to lose her over this. I can't say for sure how your wife would react to you telling her, but I wish I had told mine years ago. It would have saved me a lot of money in purges, and I would have been much happier! Good luck in whatever you decide!
Geez, you should of read the purging post that was on here recently before you went and did it............ :)
I just wanted to lend my support. Like you and so many others, I know what you are going through. I told my wife before we got married and she rejected me. I stopped for many years for her, but was unhappy. We are working on it now and things are better. Hang in there, and remember you are not alone in your feelings.
Hi again LeynaQuote:
Originally Posted by Leyna
I can understand why you have chosen not to dress if you are trying to help your wife overcome a bad year. I hope you both through this difficult period :hugs:
I would suggest you put your clothes out of the way so you can retrieve them at a later date.
I would also be careful that you not dressing does not affect you in such a way that you find you are less help than you want to be.
Some of us have been known to be grumpy and irritable when we dont dress.
Hi Leyna
I'm glad I came across this forum so I will spare myself the expense, pain, and guilt of purges.
When you restock your stash and resume your CD activities, I suggest that you do so gradually and in open view. I do NOT keep my crossdressing activities in secret at all, with my keeping my feminine clothes, makeup, and shoes in plain sight and wearing the apparel openly around the neighborhood.
Tell yourself just as women can wear men's clothes without being ashamed men should have the right to wear skirts, dresses, heels, makeup, etc without being ashamed. Also tell yourself that men's clothes have not always been so dreary and dull - at one time men wore makeup, long hair or wigs, and heels.
Take care,
Johanna
Talk to a therapist about your fears. A REAL therapist, one who is not gonna jump up & tell you can be "cured" & turned into "a real man", and not some bible-thumping closet-case minister. You'll find out this isn't a big deal.
Maybe you won't do it again. I've done it a few times and it gets expensive. I buy most of my clothes at Goodwill but I'm particular about wearing shoes or underwear that someone else has worn. I now know its a part of me thats not going away no matter what I do. Billie Jean
I struggled pretty badly with self acceptance. I never got rid of my stuff but I hid it away and tried to forget about it. I even thought I could research 12 step programs and see if I could apply it to my life. I prayed that God would take it away from me but nothing worked. Finding a support group in my area was what finally helped. I see you're in Florida. We have a lot of support here. If you'd like to talk about it please PM me.
Now repeat after me, purging is silly.
A waste of time and money.
The next time I purge, I will purge all my guy underwear and cut it up and use it for cleaning rags.
A metaphor for wiping away all the memories of when I thought I was not a girl.
Just kidding! Please do work on your relationship first.
However, keep in mind that crossdressing is not something you can usually just quit. Instead of purging, pack your things away and store them somewhere. That way when the urge hits you between the eyes again, you won't need to spend thousands of dollars replacing everything.
I'm sorry you are going thought those types of feelings, To bad you can't throw out the feelings with the clothes. I've done it twice, Both times I gave up something that I couldn't replace, that was a bummer. I also found that I could go for a real long time and not dress, unfortunately, I could not do it without becoming a person I didn't like. Moody, resentful, bitter and depressed, but I knew how to cure that, I now own a wardrobe as large, or larger than my wifes. Fortunately when I did tell the wife she, accepted me just the way I am, and I even learned to accept myself, and now enjoy wearing what I want most of the time. But the point is tossing the clothes is just the beginning, you have to find a way to throw out the desire, or you will not be happy, or you go back to dressing and feel like you failed, and thats not good.
Tina B.
Hi, I just wanted to say that now that you have purged all of your things, and as you have read so far, almost everyone has at least once you can say that dressing is in your past. (although it is physically in your past only) The issues you seem to have is that your wife will find out. I have an idea for you to find out how this purge has helped you not hindered or stopped you from dressing, but rather a road to dressing and all the enjoyment you have found plus so much more. You could talk tothe wife sometime about how you have something to tell her. Something that is in your past, but you want her to know about it, and would like her thoughts about the situation. Then tell her that as a young guy you enjoyed x y z (what ever you want to open up to her) and that you even had purchased item (items) and enjoyed them, but you were afraid that it would upset you and make you feel bad, when I was only doing it because it made me feel so good. I cannot bear thinking of you being upset so I got rid of those things and just want you to know that nothing has changed, but I wanted you to know and I love you to the point of pointing out something that I have had to hide all my life. I feel so much better now that you know. Let it go at that. Let it just sit, and in a little while when you see something comment on it to her about how you think that would feel to wear that. If she is okay with all of that, and not threatened , she may inform you that it would be okay for you to wear panties ...and then the door is open and slowly adding things, as you are more apreciative of her love shown to you, you MUST respond with the same back to her...It is a nice spiral that MOST women love. ........... Just an idea...Hope you are happy no matter what you choose...........................Drew
I think "we" all go through this at some point. You throw it away, but you still have the feelings. Only you will know when its time to face who you really are :) I hope you have a good time buying new clothes and makeup.
Leyna, As you've read the posts to your thread you have had to realize that we've ALL been in your shoes at one time or another. Being the age I am I guess I've been there more times than most.
Many many times, I'd feel guilty and hate myself and say I was never going to dress again. There is no way I'd even attempt to guess how many times I've said that then thrown out all my feminine things. Later, maybe one hour, one day, one week and sometimes a month, IT would start coming back, just a little, but continues to grow and grow and all of a sudden there I was again having to replace everything. It got expensive plus my mental state was in shambles.
How was I going to rid myself of this, what if someone found out, Why do I do it? And on and on and on. The longer I lived the more it worked on my mind! Finally, I reached a point I couldn't continue down the road I was going. I had to do something.
I took some time and really thought my feelings and needs through and it came down to two points; first, I could stop or secondly,I could accept myself for what I am and STOP CONDEMNING MYSELF! Its as simple as that, however, only you can make the decision.
STOP OR EMBRACE YOURSELF. You decide and choose which one is best for you and you have to be prepared to do exactly that! Don't do it half heartedly and go back and forth between the two. Make a decision and stick to it. That decision will be with you the rest of your life so do it carefully. Take your time and really dig deep down within yourself. You can't let your roller coaster emotional ride continue or you will really have trouble.
I'm not going into details of everything I went through because it may not have any bearing on what you are going through and you have to know it is not as simple as it sounds on this post. Its hard, its gut wrenching, and possible the hardest decision you will ever make, but it has to be made!
I haven't mentioned anything about your wife. You have to include her in your decision making. How much influence should you give to her, family, friends, work and other things in your life. Don't treat any thing lightly, weigh it carefully and come to your decision.
You have friends here on this forum that want you to be happy with yourself and I'm sure all will accept what ever decision you make.
The purge is definitely part of a long journey, and will happen a few times. We've all been there!
Leyna, we've all purged before but that will never last. While cross dressing is certainly not the norm, it is not "wrong." It is a part of who we are. I think your struggle is in not being able to tell your wife/girlfriend and that is the stress in your life. When I told my wife, I thought I was going to have a heart attack but now I am happier than I have ever been. Reach out to your SO. That is where the relief comes. Best of luck
1) Can you walk away from crossdressing without feeling miserable?Quote:
Originally Posted by Leyna
2) Will you be able to give her the help and support she needs if you're miserable inside?
3) Is she the sort of person who doesn't care how miserable you feel so long as she gets what she needs?
Everything hinges on the answer to #1. There are CDs who can walk away from it for long periods of time without feeling the loss. If that's how you felt, there would be no problem. If that's how you felt, though, you wouldn't be crying. I understand that you love her, but your happiness matters too. You only have one life.
Thinking of you now, take care. Relax, take a step back and gather your thoughts. It maybe a while before you want to cd, you may never want to again. Just relax, and give yourself plenty of space.
Theres very few things in life that we should worry about, this shouldn't be one of them though. Not worth it friend.
It's not hurting anbody or against the law but I am also thinking the same as you right now and have thrown all my stuff out only to retreive it before the trash get collected.
1 miniute something tells me its wrong to be into this, the next I'm thinking life is flying by to quickly not to do something that I get enjoyment from. Hell, you could get some illness (hopfully not) which leaves you unable to x dress even if you fancied doing it one day.
If you stop x dressing now you can always look back and say, been there, done that, worn the nylon, but do it all over again. Or perhaps say RIGHT, this is the last time I get dressed up !
Be carefull who you tell though. Someone you can trust now can easily turn into some who my exopose your interest in time, this could be your wife if you told her, or a close friend.
Follow your heart, and dont worry. you'll be OK
ouch, I have never done this! Dont think I ever can!!
Just tell your wife when she questions you wearing a dress, and makeup, and heels, that she is no longer to wear anything but a dress amkeup and heels, and always look very girlie, when she does that you'll stop