lie to your wife/partner about your cding?
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lie to your wife/partner about your cding?
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I don't
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Its only a lie if she ask if you do and you say no. If she has no clue its because your hiding it not that your telling her a lie.
Kinda like your wifes away and your lying on the bed masturbating when she calls and says what ya doing? Do you say I'm in bed or do you say I'm in bed mastrubating cause your not here?
BTW my wife has know for years about Kendra and we go out togeather all the time
Its what perverts do best. Or second best! At least so I thought...... so as to keep being labeled as one.
its not really lying if you tell them. and they have a negative reaction and you agree not to talk about it.. its really lousy thing.. couples should share things.. but we dont..
I don't.
She knows and even buys me things. She also helps me when we go shopping together, and being talented in that direction she has made me a number of rather nice necklaces
Why the question? It appears to make an unwarranted assumption about our relationships with our SOs
Rachel
Ah honesty....I told my wife I crossdressed and she was not impressed ;said I should have kept it a secret.I can't lie worth a damn and it was eating me up inside bigtime.I certainly can understand her shock and disappointment and that makes me very sad;however we worked out an agreement that seems to work.
Yet when I had told her I was gay ,she accepted that with no problem.Do you think my dressing threatened her feminimity?
Paula.
i lied because the permission was removed. when we met, she knew. when we married, it was ok. when we had the kids, it was ok. then about a year later, she asked me to stop and i did, wanting to keep the peace. that lasted about 8 months and i asked her if it was ok to dress again, to which she said no. so it became a secret and i lived a lie. she found out and that was that. she didn't "want to be married to a woman." and i didn't want to be a woman, but i did want to dress. sucked all round.
I am making no assumptions at all, but I read a lot of things on here about cders lying to their SO's and wanted to know why.Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachel Newark
I have no reason to lie to my SO about my dressing, so I don't lie to her about it or any other thing for that matter. She has a very low tollerance for anyone that lies to her about anything. I respect that... and in fact I fear the consequences if I was caught in a lie by her.
I don't lie to her about it. She is fully involved.
Interesting question, and then another interesting questio, and then a reply. I have read this question and all the thousands of replies about lying to an SO so many times around here and I only have 4,000+ posts to your 18,000+. You haven't heard enough reasons so far? I think you may just want to start a good thread, stir the pot so to speak. I will sit back and hopefully enjoy the reading.
I know many have a problem with the word "lie" so many we should use "deception" (which really go hand and hand with lying) instead since the definitation of that is to cause to believe what is false. So when someone is dating they do not disclose that but deceive the person they are dating and that person thinking they are gonna marry their prince charming.. then later on more deception of hiding and sneaking around to dress etc.. and the *boom* the wife finds the stash or walks in on them etc.. and she now realizes that she has been deceived.. and now wonders the man she had SO much trust in has been deceiving to her all these years.. what else could he be hiding?.. so her prince charming has turned out to be a princess... not really what she pictured or fantasied about when she was a little girl playing house.
1. I don't have a SO.
2. If I did, I wouldn't lie. If I have to lie for her to respect me then the relationship won't work.
Okay I will say what Sandra (who is a Super Moderator) was wanting to hear in the OP.
I did not tell my wife about my desire to crossdress from a very early age for several years after we were married because I was ashamed of it, I did not think she could possibly understand it, and I was not man enought at the time to get past that.
Now come on everyone very few of you with accepting wifes did not hide your crossdressing from them for quite some time so tell us why?
in the process of telling her.. i found that my own denial personally made it hard for me to quantify how much it was a part of my life.. .. like i blacked out and didnt remember.. i was surprised when i tried to explain it and found i could not access it.. very pyschological thing..
[SIZE="4"]We lie about our activities so we can continue whatever relationship we have with our SOs and also to keep from hurting them. It's sort of obvious isn't it?
Happily I now have no SO to have to explain myself to or cause pain to. I feel fortunate.[/SIZE]
Strong disapproval. It started at an early age when my mother found certain things. I also head negative comments about cding. This caused internal shame. Also, when I dropped a hint or suggested cding was normal, I got a negative response. Thereafter, I hid it during dating and early marriage--thinking it would go away--as I matured and settled into to a normal sexual relationship. Didn't happen; it persisted, and I continued to hide it. Until discovered. My SO is more dominant than me. If I was the dominant one in the partnership, maybe I could have told her earlier. Still disapproves, but lets me go to support group and knows where I keep my clothes. I hide things if I expect a strong negative reaction.
Don't...
honest with her, honest with myself...
it's a relationship.
Sandra, I cannot speak for all the guys out there that crossdress, but it has been going on for hundreds, if not thousands of years. Men lie to their SO/Wife/Paramour, whatever term somebody wants to apply to "the other person in their life". Why? Well, first and foremost, the word "fear" comes to mind.
As men, we are raised by not only family, but through society's image of what a "real man" should be in life... he should be masculine, strong, fearless, never back down from a fight, always be right in an argument, never show weakness, never seek help for depression/sadness/illness/whatever.
According to many in society, a man is a stud because he beds a lot of women, he is a tough guy because he drives a semi/rides a motorcycle/served in the Military/Firefighter/Cop/etc. Women, on the other-hand, have struggled to achieve a lot of things throughout history - but the truth is, women are the ones with real power. Women create life, they nurture, they aid, educate, and give comfort to not only those they love but to complete strangers when their heart goes out it is with no reservations. Men, again... are taught to never give a crap about somebody unless he is a "Brother in Arms" (so to speak). Only in the past few years here in, (most), of the USA, men didn't give hugs, now seeing two guys give a "bro hug" is common place. Women, again, have been hugging the world since the beginning of time.
There was a book in the early 80s called "Real Men Don't Eat Quiche". If you can find it, read it. Sure, the book is a tongue-in-cheek poke at what a real man is versus a less than acceptable version of a man is in society, but it will open up the ability to analyze men from, perhaps, a different perspective.
If a man, or young boy, finds they enjoy something naturally considered feminine, family members and society look down on them, ridicules them for their happiness, and the male brain shuts down and finds shame with what used to give them pleasure and joy. If a woman wears a pair of jeans, a football sweatshirt, and a pair of heels - she is sexy. The man, wearing the same combination, is somehow "not a real man" and therefore must be gay or have some mental affliction that needs counseling and psychotropic medications to "cure" his so-called "illness".
If a woman, at any stage in her life, studies welding, plumbing, mechanics, etc., she gets a "you go girl, show them boys how a woman does it". If a guy wants to become a cook, own a flower shop, become a beautician, design clothing, etc., he is automatically called "gay", (perhaps the least vulgar term applied). From a personal experience... I always wanted to become a chef. I love food, cooking, owning a restaurant, etc. In high school I got a job in a supper club as an assistant cook, and one of the classes all Seniors had to take before graduation was something that taught male and female students alike how to live on their own, we were taught how to do basic sewing/repair stuff, how to budget money, how to shop and look for bargains, how to cook, etc. Well, because I had already been cooking for several years, when the class got to the cooking part - the women were impressed, the female teacher was impressed, a couple guys were cool with the food, but most of the guys insisted I was a faggot and needed to have the gay beaten out of me. Nobody ever truly wins a fight. Sure, somebody gets more swings and somebody has more blood, but both people are idiots for fighting. Now, based on my personal experience of having to prove I was a "real man" despite the fact that I could make omelets, soup, pie, etc., imagine in high school if I had told my girlfriend and her parents, my parents, my friends, my teachers, etc., that I had tried on pantyhose? If some guys want to beat the shit out of another guy because he can whip up bananas foster, imagine the damage they would do if they found out that guy loved wearing a pair of strappy heels and lingerie. Yea... dead meat.
So, the answer to your question about "why men lie about crossdressing" - it is fear.
Fear of rejection, fear of ridicule, fear of not only being ostracized by society, but a man's ability to find a good job, secure promotions, etc., will be limited.
In my regular "man life" on the job nobody has ever, EVER, asked me in general conversation... "Hey, Bro, if you're done with that project, got a quick question... are you gay? do you feel like you're a woman trapped in a man's body and need to have gender reassignment surgery?"
But, whenever somebody learned of my "deep, dark secret" the reaction was ALWAYS the same. It did not vary between family or friends, or random people I've met - "are you gay" and "do you want to become a woman".
So, as yourself, knowing that almost all of society, which includes that man’s family, friends, co-workers, employers, landlord... EVERYBODY, will stop thinking about that man as a “man” and the image of him wearing women’s clothing will be the only thing they think about... if you, as a woman, had to have your entire existence ignored and the fact you do something “unacceptable”, would you tell people your “secret”?
Sure, if somebody truly loves you, they may accept a person that crossdresses, but those relationships are rare. Most women freak when they find out their man prefers wearing panties over tidy-whities. Why? Can you explain why women freak out when they find out the man they love can go from the “hero” that fixed the car to a “queer” the moment he slips on a pair of heels? When you can explain why women, and society, have such a difficult time accepting a man wearing a skirt and heels is less of a "real man" than men that prefer to not crossdress... you will have helped us all get moving forward with acceptance of both genders wearing pants and pumps.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sandra
I do not keep people in my life that I feel the need to lie to, it protects what little sanity I may have left and gives me hope that at the end of my life I will look back with fewer regrets.
This way of living has come at a extremely high price and I do not recommend it, i.e no children, no partner, loneliness, ect.. I would lie if I could but than I would start lying to myself and I know I will be finished for sure.
To Toni Citara if you happen to read this post your words transcend poetry. It is a rare experience for my eyes to tear up from reading anothers words. That is one of the most beautiful pieces I have ever read about the difficulties of being a man in a mans world, you are very wise.
Honestly? Because I never even thought of it. I engaged in the typical episodes that many do - dress-up sessions alone, followed by purging and denial. Every last time, I thought it was THE last time. How do you come out with something that you hate in yourself? You don't - you treat it as an aberrant episode and push it away. It's only in the last couple of years that I started accepting it as a normal part of me and started digging into its roots and (possible) causes. The realization of what it is was slow in coming, frankly. When it finally crystallized as transgendered, I started discussing with my wife what I understood at that point.Quote:
Originally Posted by kendra_gurl
Lea
I never have and never will. The biggest mastake you can do is to lie.
I never did lie to my late wife about my crossdressing! I told her that I was a crossdresser when I proposed to her, and she accepted me "as is!" We had almsot 50 years together before cancer took her! I never had any thoughts of not telling her, because I was raised thinking honesty is always the best policy! The lady whom I refer to as my girlfriend also knows that I crossdress, and doesn't care. She lives in another country, so we don't see each other very often and she has never seen me dressed! That is fine with both of us.
It's a forum. You eventually gotta recycle old topics...Quote:
Originally Posted by AllieSF
If I were to have a female partner, I'd lie for the same reasons every one lies about everything. Approval versus disapproval. A male partner... That'd depend on him, personality, attitudes, etc, as to whether or not I'd lie.
Oh, it's because lying well is great creative fun, and it doesn't get much better than lying successfully to someone who thinks they know you well. Everybody lies to everyone all the time, about everything: that's what everything in life is all about.
Oh, people say they want the truth, but really they want comforting lies. You don't see many people volunteering to investigate the only real truth in life, by putting their thumb on a rock and hitting it with a very big hammer.
Besides, she deserves it for all of the times she has left piles of shoes all over the stairs, waiting for an "accident" no doubt.
I don't either. Have an SO, I mean.Quote:
Originally Posted by VioletJourney
However, sometimes I lie to myself. Not about crossdressing, though. I already know about it, and I am very accepting of myself. :D
I'd like to thank those who have replied and said why......
To those who have pointed out that I am a moderator and have a large post count am I not allowed to ask a question because of this?.....I asked a simple question, no malice behind it. I am a member here just like everyone else.
I've never lied about it to anyone I've dated. It would currently be impossible and pointless to ever lie about it to anyone, just due to the level of outedness I have with my circle of friends and family. I don't believe anyone currently hiding it in a relationship should be too harshly judged, but I would plead with the singlies to be open about it early on with future relationships, if that's something you feel you can do.
I don't anymore. For a little over two years, I haven't had to bear that burden. That said, I did from August 1996 to September 2009. I am an amazing liar, which sucks. It is my least endearing quality. Unfortunately, I still have to maintain a lie outside of the house and even in front of my own children (my wife requires that, at least for now). I hate the lie, I just want to be able to be me and express both my male and female aspects openly, or be able to match my body and my mind. I don't really get to do either.
When I was keeping this from my wife, it was because I figured she would leave me over it. At that stage of the game I was mired in guilt and shame, I had not accepted that this is part of me and I can no more be rid of it than I can be rid of my right arm. I had not yet learned to deal with this side of me, how could I ask her to do so? Faulty reasoning, sure, but it's how my mind dealt with it.
Anna
I don't (any more). I have a freedom and calm now that I have not had in decades. And "don't ask, don't tell" is still lying. Still, I can absolutely understand why cross dressers do not tell. It is not for lack of wanting to, the fear of rejection is so great, it is nearly impossible to overcome.
Quite simple for me, its the fear of their reaction. I am not in a relationship at the moment but i never even once brought up the notion of it to my last girlfriend out of fear of how she would react, more so that she would tell my friends rather than actually break up with me.
I have one friend at the moment though that i really like and have kissed a few times who i have jokingly suggested to that i go as a girl for halloween ( though not really joking :daydreaming: ) and she has really liked the idea and keeps encouraging me to do it.
And this has got me thinking that maybe it would be easier for a relationship to start with the idea of cross dressing immediately being addressed.
Though saying that i know i wont be brave enough to do that any time soon sadly..
Don't ask, don't tell is the way to go in this household.
If asked I will be truthful, but my SO really does not want to know any details.
PJ
I do not. Thankfully she is supportive.Quote:
Originally Posted by Sandra
I really try not to. To a woman, not telling the truth is always worse than the truth itself. I told my beloved about myself on our third date 15 years ago. She ran from me as if I had the ebola virus, but 2 days later she wanted to talk to me about it and married me anyway. I hid it in one serious relationship and it eventually blew up in my face. I decided hiding my true nature wasn't fair to myself or to anyone interested in me.
I'm really confused here???????Quote:
Originally Posted by Paulacd1
If you're gay what is the point of a wife? Wouldn't you be happier with a boyfriend? Wouldn't she be happier with a husband who was sexually attracted to her? That sounds terrible!
I agree with Aprilrain. Seems awfully selfish for whomever is keeping the other in the marriage. (whether its her or you)Quote:
Originally Posted by Aprilrain
never a good idea to lie to your partner
I'm dating another crossdresser! No need to lie :)
I never have, unless you consider not volunteering that information early on as a lie. Once it was obvious the cat would be out of the bag, I confessed fully and have been honest with her since. When it was something I did that she was unaware of I didn't share it because it didn't seem to be having an impact on our relationship or family life. It probably did, but that was my perception at the time. There were times when I thought I would share it with her but compared to all the other stresses and problems we were facing, it was information that would only divert attention away from other pressing issues. It could easily be I had built a rationalization that had me being very considerate of her and her needs, or maybe I was actually being considerate. It depends on your perspective. There were many moments where sharing this would have reduced the stability of our marriage rather than made it stronger. Since we are still together and it's a non-issue in our world, I'd like to believe my choices were the right ones. But without going back and doing things differently to see how it turns out, I'll never know.
At the moment I don't lie. I don't intend to do so in the future either.
I didn't tell her through most of our marriage. I didn't understand myself very well, wasn't dressing fully, but I knew enough about my "interests" to know that society considered them perverse. Since I didn't know better I adopted that attitude myself. I sincerely hoped that it would go away with marriage, but of course it didn't.
What does one then do, go to one's wife and say "Hi Dear, hope you had a nice day at work today. By the way, I just realized that I have a minor perversion..."? Nope, to maintain marital harmony one keeps one's mouth shut. There are probably a number of things of the same level of import that wives decide not to share with their husbands as well.
Eventually both my knowledge and interest in CDing grew and I came to the realization that not telling her was causing stress in our marriage. We had "the talk" and I was lucky. She believed in our marriage, understood that everyone experiences changes as they go through life, and decided to help me with my self-discovery. I certainly wasn't "the man she married" but I wouldn't have remained static over the years even if I wasn't a CDer.
I am another who kept the secret to myself for far too long........nearly 10 years. I was in total denial to myself and didn't understand a damn thing about it, so the secret was kept. I was totally inequipped to answer any questions until I joined here and got one heck of an education. I Fear of ridicule and rejection was up there as well. I didn't (and still don't) think I lied. I certainly deceived though.
If only I knew then what I know now. Anyway, for the past few years I have been and will continue to be totally open and honest. I never initiate a conversation though, always wait until the wife needs to ask something.
Tash :)
I don´t lie. I used to lie, but not anymore. It´s much better feeling when I share my passion with her.
I don't. She knoes, disapproves, I keep it to myself , and she is fine.
I really dislike this topic. To dichotomise (sp?) this subject into lie or not-lie is to trivialize a very complex and personal issue.
I don't consider it a lie. It's something that is still part of my inner life that I'm not comfortable sharing yet...even with my wife. That being said, I'm not cheating on my wife (nor have I ever); I'm not forgoing any of my vows and I'm not neglecting her needs in any way. We spend quite a bit of time together - probably more than most couples. She knows I have a very female side. She has a very male side. To the extent that there were probably relationships with or desires for women in her past that I sense but do not know about for sure. But that's her personal world. It doesn't affect me or our relationship. If and when she chooses to tell me that's fine. I'll love her just as much if not more. In a way it gives me something to look forward to - that is when we arrive at yet another level of intimacy. Still peeling back the onion after 20+ years.
And for that matter - while I'm on a rant - why does every single detail of ones life have to be out in the open, on day one for your SO, family and everyone else to peruse? Everyone wonders why men especially are afraid to commit to relationships. Could it be that in our crazy in-your-face media and networked centric world where everyone knows everything about you that some gifts are best left to be unwrapped later on...
In my relationship with Hope...there is no need to lie about anything. She has always been fully involved and Joanna has never been a hidden part of our relationship.
Joanna
I have never lied, the (very) few women I have been involved with all knew before we went from friends to a relationship (granted, my relationships are quite unusual.)
If I were to lie (which I wouldn't) my motivation would be fear of rejection and being lonely and unloved. Transvestism is not something the vast, vast majority of women ever seek out or desire in a partner and the odds of immediate rejection (before getting to really know the person outside of the crossdressing) are high. Some may figure it is better to lie and have someone to love and be intimate with than be honest and lonely. Others may lie for other reasons, but for me, and perhaps others as well, loneliness and the desire to be loved may play a big role.
...Now that said I believe, at the risk possible of being torn to pieces by others, I agree with the GGs; their partner still has an obligation to be honest. The desire to have a partner does not trump the woman's right to know what she is getting into and make an informed decision for herself (especially before marriage, and definitely before having children.)
I don't. But I'm waiting to hear an answer that I think is at the heart of it for many of us: "I am afraid that my SO will reject me if she finds out that I'm a cross dresser."
My wife was aware that i wear feminine underwear before we were married but i will admit that i did not say anything about the liking of wearing any other clothes although it was mainly skirts at that time , i suppose you think to your self that you have this odd liking of certain cloths and you feel that your wife may not understand yet at the same time i did not understand it that much myself just that it was something i enjoyed doing but realised that society would frown upon it so therefore so would my wife .
I think males brains are wired up differently from females as we do not see it as lying in the same way as a female would we see it more as self protection from being ridiculed or shunned by the very person that you want to admire you so i find it a bit harsh when i hear the word "Lying" although i expect there are some who deliberately lie for lying sake.
Yes it is still deceiving your wife/SO if you do not tell or share your other self but it is still unsafe for some to do that and it would be lovely to think it was not and that is one of the main reasons i find the word Lying a bit harsh but i do understand the context in what you have said it in .
Example one. May is married to Dave. Dave is deployed overseas. Dave calls May. How are things going? She shopped, cleaned, talked on the phone, went to the movies. What she didn't say was that she shopped with Bob, cleaned b/c Bob was coming over, talked to Bob on the phone, went to the movies with Bob. Dave doesn't ask, so she isn't lying. Bull. She lied. She deceived.
Example two. Johnny went to a halloween party. Came home by curfew and parents ask how was the party? Johnny says it was cool, we had freaky looking food, danced, threw candy at each other. It was fun, he would like to do it next year. What he doesn't say was that they had shots of tequila. His parents didn't ask, so he didn't lie. Again, bull. He lied and deceived.
Example 3. Susie and Ted are dating and so in love. They have talked about their past, their likes and dislikes, their dreams and goals, their religious and political beliefs, their future. Ted doesn't say, I think I better tell you this. I like to wear women's clothes. I don't know why. I know I'm not gay and that I love you with my whole heart. I hope you can find it in your heart to still marry me and we can learn about this together. He lied, he deceived. On purpose.
I understand the concept behind the deception, really, I do, but I am really getting tired of hearing, well, I didn't LIE. I just didn't tell. Its not the same. It IS the same. You deceived your wife to protect yourself. Fine. Who is protecting your wife? The woman you love above all else? She thought you were, but now she finds out, you weren't. Doesn't your SO have the right to make life choices with ALL the pertinent information? And this IS pertinent.
You lied. Admit it and spend your time making up for the deception and lies, instead of trying to say, 'well, I didn't REALLY lie.'