Don't think I'll ever get back.....

... the trust I lost when my wife found out... Not that I really expected to.

Just an update on what's going on. After what 6 years.... Nothing really.

This weekend we were cleaning out the shed and she came across on small old black suitcase. She turns to me and says "you want to give me a hint on what's in here before I open it up?". Well.... I think its your grandmothers old typewriter.... Lol. Was kind of funny.... At least to me... Not to her.... And when I get home like 10 minutes late from work she let's me know she noticed I'm getting home late.... Like I stopped at a rest area and dressed for 10 minutes.... Ok bad example... But the truth is I don't think she will ever trust me like she used to.... And it hurts... But I accept it as part of what I did or didn't do and moved on.... Ohh well... I don't open up much so that's about the most your going out of me... raise the shields Scotty!

Gives You a hug :)
Hang in there!

That's a bummer! :( sorry to hear that you're having issues with trust between you and your wife. I can only extend my love across the pond to you, hope that it get's better for you and the trust comes back :P

Sometimes we have to make some tough bargains with our wives.
I went through a tough time at first with my wife but she has accepted that I'm still the crazy, loving person she married.

Also getting dressed for 10 minutes on the way home sounds kind of fun.

Yep, there goes another hug from the sunny and warm, and dry West Coast. You are a Yooper Trooper.

I'm sorry to hear that. My wife pretended it didn't exist for 13 years until I sat her down last year and told her again. We have been on a roller coaster since then and there have been a lot of trust issues. For a while she kept wanting to check my phone, or would ask me what I was just doing on the computer. And I told her I was a CD, she didn't catch me. I think it is a natural process. We have talked about it alot and things have improved.

I understand completely! I often catch her staring at body parts - looking for changes. I notice she combs through bank statements, checks in with me at work (wow. She literally just called me again as I was typing this), and other things. I know the trust is gone, but I haven't dressed since October.

What's it going to take?

Kathi

That is sad, Karren. I hope her trust of you grows. I don't understand why this would cause her to distrust you.

Karren, I know exactly what you're going through. I hope things get better for you and your wife. Hugs, Donna

Truly sorry to hear this , Karren you've always been an inspiration to us with your humor.
i forget how easy I have it as someone who is single.
Even that has it's challenges. ....you know, telling a Romantic prospect this side of me.

Thanks.... A bunches. I really never expected any kind of improvement. Quite to the contrary I expected our relationship to go south and never recover. But maintaining the status quo isn't all bad. Imho. And we have a good marriage as long as we each play the parts scripted out on the marriage certificate! Too bad its not digital and I can go back and edit it.... Lol.

Karren, I don't know how one recovers trust. I did something far worse than keeping a secret from my ex - I had a brief, clumsy affair. Her hurt and anger have never lessened. I just wonder if there's some way to reach her. Surely, she would acknowledge that despite this one idiosyncracy, you're a deeply committed, loving spouse and parent, a good provider and an active and interesting person.

I know your pain hun. Things didn't last too terribly long for me and my now ex after she found out after about 6 years. Now I'm back to single it's taken some adjusting but things are going well now.

Somethimes I think an affair might have been easier to recover from? On the positive side she let's me play all the hockey I want!! Ok. Almost all the hockey I want....

I really feel sorry for your situation. Although the vast majority of us on this site have never met you in person, your postings have revealed a lot about you. You have a good sense of humor. You are a classic 'bread winner.' You engage in activities to keep your mind and body active. The scales of marriage truly a weighted in your wife's favor. The one little coin of your side of the scale that your wife perceives as a fault, is probably the singular coin that has molded you into the fine person you appear to be.

Karren you always rise above it with a smile. I find your sense of humor amazing even with all of the wife distractions you have. She obviously isn't on board with your dressing and this was just another reminder. Thanks for sharing, I wish somebody could get through to her and let her know how amazing we think you are.:)

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Originally Posted by Stephanie47

I really feel sorry for your situation. Although the vast majority of us on this site have never met you in person, your postings have revealed a lot about you. You have a good sense of humor. You are a classic 'bread winner.' You engage in activities to keep your mind and body active. The scales of marriage truly a weighted in your wife's favor. The one little coin of your side of the scale that your wife perceives as a fault, is probably the singular coin that has molded you into the fine person you appear to be.

---

I second this completely, for what it's worth. I was trying really hard to think of the way to say what I was thinking and Stephanie has put it way more eloquently than I could. I feel a bit guilty for my own happiness in my relationship. I hope and wish that this does get easier for you and for everyone on this forum.

im sorry hun dont know wht to say but heres a big HUG

Karren! Thanks so much for putting your photo link in your signature. And the photo spread is amazing.
You have gotten even more beautiful with age!
I'm sorry that your wife is not with you on your CDing. She should realize what an amazing woman you are and have some fun with it.
I came out last year to my wife, and we are both reading "my husband Betty"
she has 2 fears. One is that I will turn gay and leave her for a man.
and the other is that she will find out she has lesbian tendencies.
So far we are just having fun with my dressing and she does admit I have gotten prettier. (blush).
We haven't gone out yet, and I really want her to go out with me, because she is my best friend.
I wish I could wave a magic wand and help you out. But its not like you cheated on her. The gender issue is so huge and there is not pat answer why we do what we do. As long as you love her and can tell her that then things have a chance of getting better.
Hang in there

Technically Karren she believes you spend 5 minutes dressing before the drive home and five minutes behind the local Dairy Queen taking it all off.

Yes you can never undo what has been done. Dynamics change. I think you have it as good as you are going to get. And I also think she has a pretty good catch. You are very tolerant and understanding with her mother, you do a lot of Honey do maintenance around the house and you are a good spouse and parent.

Have you considered adding jeans to your wardrobe? Maybe she would be less concerned if you wore denim.

i'm an easy going and humorous person :D myself and someone once told me the ones who joke and laugh the must usually are the ones that hurt the most...:sad: kinda hit home with me! i'm sure that the trust issue with your wife bothers you, probably alot! trust is a very important key to any relationship and as much as i try to be a very honest person, i am still in the closet! i would hate to be found out and for people to think that if i lied about my dressing, my whole life was a lie because that would be the furthest thing from the truth. i hate the fact that i do hide my dressing, but for numerous personal and professional reasons, i do. i would hate the fact that everything i accomplished in my life was tainted because i was found out. it would bother me a great deal.
its a shame people are not more understanding and accepting, because the majority of us are decent people... we just like to dress! :thumbsup:
its too bad that everything you do now, and every time you are late, your wife is going to think the worst.:thumbsdn: i guess if i was in her shoes, (i would be jealous of your beauty...:Dlol) i would think and feel the same way, although still very unfair to you. you seem to be are a very caring person (not to mention very likable). i think she is a very lucky girl to have you, and the fact she's hung in there for the past 6 years, makes me think that she realizes that. keep your chin up, hang in there, and get your ass home on time...:devil:lol GO RANGERS

Karen, you have been someone I've liked and admired from day one joining here. I have known about your wife's lack of acceptance for just about as long as I've gotten to learn and remember who you were. I have always admired the way you put your wife and your marriage before your own need to dress. You made it clear how this bothers you. Yet, you always did it with humor and respect for your wife. I have never sensed a selfish bone in your body. It's refreshing to me to see at least one CD put his marriage and wife first. I read to many threads where it appears the CD is whining about his wants and needs with little regard for his wife. NOT YOU. What little i know of you here from just reading your posts, you must be blessed with a terrific wife that is worth putting your needs behind her wishes. I wish there was some way she could begin to trust you, to put it behind her and begin to love all of you even if not to fully accept or even like you being a CD.
I just want to thank you for showing us that there is a way to make a marriage work in spite of not having the support of your wife and without putting her down for feelings she can't change for whatever reason. I just know you are a good husband and that you appreciate, respect and love your wife in spite of her not being able to let go of her fears or whatever it is she can't come to terms with.
Thanks Karen...Thanks for being here..Thanks for sharing... Thanks for making us laugh at times...

All this in spite of my not liking hockey and your hatred for jeans! But to me, you are one of the special ones here.

Your situation is as close to mine as one can imagine. My wife does let me indulge my wims quite a bit but she does not trust like she once did. I told her about my crossdressing about 6+ years ago and we have come a long way with it but the trust is not there like before. I am not as open with her as she would like but she really has nothing to worry about since she is the only one for me and I do appreciate all that she puts up with. Good luck Karren, I am praying for you and your wife.

Wow, have I been on this forum that long, I remember when you first started talking asobut your wife finding out, and how she took it. I could only hope at the time, that with time it would get better, as it has for so many others, sorry to hear that it hasn't. I guess it that old can't put the Jennie back in the bottle thing. That's why I find myself reluctent to recomend telling the truth always, not everyone is ready for the truth. You also get my hugs Karren, your one of the people that have kept me coming back day after day all these years.
Tina B.

I suggest instead of getting home ten minutes late you leave for work ten minutes early!:D:hugs:

Hi Karren. Ugh. I just typed a whole response to this on my phone and i hit submit and boom! Internet connection lost. Sucks for me. Anyways, i just want you to know that i am very empathetic to your situation because I've put myself in situations where my own deceit led to that feeling of which you speak. The hardest part for me to deal with was dealing with the fact that it seems hopeless. It seemed as though no matter what i did, i couldn't be more honest or even try to keep things at an even keel because it seemed like no matter what i did, it got twisted into some form of more mistrust....and when you know there isn't any reason for her to mistrust you, it just hurts.
---if you don't have thick skin you may not want to read the next part---

First girl i was with knew, loved and accepted it wholeheartedly. She was awesome. However, after 5 years of such extereme highs and lows i broke it off with her and cleaned up and stopped dressing. I ended up with another girl not long after (mary). She is the one i refer to. I kept it a secret but mainly cause i didnt wanna dress anymore. Well......(pause for dramatic effect).....the dressing bug came back hard after about a year. Eventually, I told her a couple years into it. Mistrust insues. After a couple years of relentless fighting and suffering I came to the realization that it was over....i just knew. 4 years with her and i really liked her a lot. But i handled it well because i accepted long ago that there would be possible repercussions from keeping it a secret. Its not her fault. Put yourself in her shoes (lol no pun..) some girls just dont want a guy like that. I know it may not be what you wanna hear and im sorry for that but im just explaining how i got through it. Best case senario is that she wakes up and realizes what a beautiful person you are inside and out and i do hope that's what ends up happening. All my best to you sweetheart. XoXoXo

Hi Karren, I only can only reiterate what others have said. You really are a bright star on this forum and I always enjoy your great humour. I am very sad to hear you're having these issues still with your wife. I really hope one day, you will get the trust and acceptance you deserve. Keep smiling honey .

Hugs Charlotte

I can understand where you are coming from. My wife seems to go through the "now I like it, now I don't"...more like "now I tolerate it, now I don't" quite often. I can tell when something is bothering her, and she never tells me what it is. I can ask 100 times, and I always get the same answer..."nothing". I naturally assume it is due to my dressing. It has been a year now, and things haven't changed much. We don't really talk about it, other than an occasional joke here and there.
I hope your wife begins to trust you again.

Do they make pink hockey skates?

Karren, sometimes it is not the nature of the transgression that warrants a lifetime of mistrust, it is that some people simply will not let a past misdeed die as it should. There may be some joy in constantly picking at the mental scab that no medicine will cure. I made a mistake about 10 years into my marriage which lasted another 10 years and 25 years later while my ex and I are on good speaking terms, I can still sometimes hear the hurt in a conversation that is not even vaguely related to the original matter. It does become the proverbial chip on the shoulder and I have found nothing to pry it loose after all these years. Your wife could be the same way. Just because you are a CD and kept a part of you secret , I think the misapplication of the word trust in this case is the problem. After all, you are still trustworthy, you still provide for your family, you are involved with them daily, what more could a wife ask? As we have seen in so many instances the "trust" factor is a double-edged sword. Some of Those who opened up, lost big time, and a few didn't. so if withholding something deemed so terrible by society in general allowed a family to live in joy, where is the problem? The problem is that one person simply will not allow the joy to return for what may be selfish reason. What happened to forgiveness?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Karren Hutton

Somethimes I think an affair might have been easier to recover from? On the positive side she let's me play all the hockey I want!! Ok. Almost all the hockey I want....

---

Now here's a true statement -- which of our wives wouldn't have preferred the (more manly) outlet of a scandalous affair than (gasp!) dressing like a GIRL! It makes me crazy, and she explains it by saying that this -- even though there is no other person involved -- is devastating to her core. If we can do a better job understanding why this is worse than anything imaginable to our SO's, and they could understand that we didn't just take this up for sport, like, say, hockey, then we'd all be a lot better off, right?

Until then, we have each other, and Karren, I hope we will keep having your wonderful sense of humor, which makes even the worst days a little better. Capitals in 2013!

elizabethamy

WOW, Karen, this is somewhat surprising to me. You're not the kind to open up on here and talk with emotions and feelings of life as you have done here. I knew you were human deep down inside. It's very interesting to me personally to read some of your words not comeing form a humurous stand. I knew you were real all along. Life rolls on forward. OR like the old country song, "Time marches on".

Hugs to you,
Love 7 Respect..............Tara D. Rose

I just wanted to say that I have always found your posts and your humor fun, refreshing and insightful.
I think we both have the attitude of not taking all this so seriously.

I keep writing things and erasing them when all I want to say is:

"I am thinking of you and yours.
May your decisions come easy,
your convictions stay strong,
and your slapshot be true."

Karren, from one engineer to another, I am seeing the unique ability to compartmentalize problems and derive unique solutions independently even though there is a nuanced connection between the different compartments that cannot be factored in. I do so love the joy and happiness you bring to this forum, you are a unique woman in that respect. I did not know your history, and now I can make some weak extrapolations to my situation that let me empathize with your daily situation. i do not have my wife's trust, and I came out to her.

Often we are our own worst enemy. We do such a good job of being the male in the relationship that their mental ability to see us as anything but what we had been to them for many years (41 years in my case). So it is hard for them to adjust, if they even want to adjust. I hope my wife will adjust. I can offer no assistance to you that would help your wife adjust, if she even wants to. I am a null set in that respect.

I truly hope you can continue to efficiently compartmentalize your situations. I am amazed at how much you accomplish with your dressing given what you must have to go through to look as fantastic as you do. My efforts pale by comparison. your wife is in my prayers to develop acceptance to go along with the love I feel she has for you, or that man she mentally has fixated in her mind. We are so much more than just a man, a male companion, a provider. I continue to formulate a series of equations that would allow me to attain a solution, but alas, there are always more unknowns than equations. Such is the life of a crossdresser, we always have more unknowns..........

Hugs, Barbara

i think what most of us miss when women find out that we wear there clothing and makeup is then we have gone to place that women in general think men can not it there place and there place only men not allowed and you just violated that private place. the trust issue is in 2nd place.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Tina B.

Wow, have I been on this forum that long, I remember when you first started talking asobut your wife finding out, and how she took it. I could only hope at the time, that with time it would get better, as it has for so many others, sorry to hear that it hasn't. I guess it that old can't put the Jennie back in the bottle thing. That's why I find myself reluctent to recomend telling the truth always, not everyone is ready for the truth. You also get my hugs Karren, your one of the people that have kept me coming back day after day all these years.
Tina B.

---

Seems like it was last week too!! I wish she had never found out.... Or not found out that way... Always said if she did find out I'd handle the bridge when I got to it.... Never thinking it would be the worlds longest bridge.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Tara-mxy

WOW, Karen, this is somewhat surprising to me. You're not the kind to open up on here and talk with emotions and feelings of life as you have done here. I knew you were human deep down inside.

---

Well don't get used to it! Lol.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by elizabethamy

Capitals in 2013!

elizabethamy

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Ahhh.. No.... :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Cynthia Anne

I suggest instead of getting home ten minutes late you leave for work ten minutes early!:D:hugs:

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I did that today... She wondered why I was home so early.... Electrician coming. She forgot! You don't see me holding that over her head for the rest of her life!

Karren, before the revelation you had a certain equilibrium in your relationship with your wife.

The revelation upset that equilibrium. It will never go back to its original location.

That is not to say that a new equilibrium cannot be reached. It may even be better than the old one. I know that it is for Mimi and I.

From the very limited information that I have, your wife seems to still be sniping at you for what she perceives as past transgressions. If indeed the secretiveness between you ended six years ago her behavior does seem a bit extreme.

It's obvious that this distresses you. Have you considered talking to your wife and telling her that her attitude is hurtful to you? That's about the only way to really resolve this issue.

Here's a hug to tide you over...:hugs:

I miss the idea of love but do not think I'm strong enough for the pain that goes with it but wonder at what cost to my own growth and wellbeing.

I've had friends who stayed married after an extramarital affair and living without the trust in the relationship has a similar feel to your words

It is difficult for me to see crossdressing as an act of betrayal but when I read threads on how wifes react to it I sense they treat it like an act of infidelity but it is not from another woman on the outside but the one on the inside of their husbands.

This must come as a shock because you are watching for danger from one direction never seeing or knowing that it could come from somewhere else completely.

There must be a sense of rejection, not being good enough, a feeling of humiliation along with embarrassment and fear of what others will think (guilt by association).

Perhaps the mistake is using relationships to prop up our own feeling of inadequacy so than we must control others to feel worthy of consideration and know our own value. Romantic love sometimes seems deadly to personal growth.

I wonder if a wife could come into her own by allowing her husband to crossdress thus freeing her from an unhealthy attachment to her own feelings of inferiority, strong words I know but it saddens me that there is so much pain associated with something that could be benign if it was only shared and not feared.

This for me is the problem with love, it brings so many expectations that often feel unjust as if I'm being used to fight the battles the other person should be fighting for themselves.

I wonder if (as a woman) I was married to a man and he crossdressed how would I handle it. I think I would react the same as most women because I to am insecure, this is unfortunate. Love really never happens until you let go of fear because you stay inside yourself always trying to be safe.

I'm sorry that you are not trusted Karen because of crossdressing when there are so many sins far greater to not trust someone for. This always makes my heart ache when I hear of it.

Wow Karren do I relate! I told my wife of 15 years one year ago. I don't think she'll ever trust me again. She doesn't understand why I cross dress but more importantly I broke her trust and I don't know if she'll ever get over it. I sympathize with how you feel.

You know, if your gonna bother to open up once in a while I figure you did a good job there Karen. I wish I could help but all I can do is tell you that I feel your pain and that I "get it". Of course I guess I don't really "know" you, but I've read enough of your posts through the years and seen enough of your humor to go out on a limb and say that I'm pretty sure that you are a pretty decent person. We all make mistakes in life - hell I've been told that I should write a book about my own, but in the end what it all comes down to is that we have to try and do the best that we can with what we have. Pretty sure you are doing that . . .

I know where your coming from Karren,,,,,that`s where I am,,,content in status quo:battingeyelashes:

Karen,

I am the eternal optimist, sometimes when you look at the long term, things change for the better, there have been a number of girls on here whose marriages have suddenly gone from non acceptence, to tollerence to support.

One thing I've learned a long time ago is that Respect is given and Trust is earned. Take some of these times with you spouse as opportunities to educate gently.

I have a feeling you have not lost your spouses trust completely and it sounds like she is concerend for you safety.

Don't give up.

As a former Houghton resident, and broom ball goalie ( who got caught wearing golf shoes) When got married, there was next to NO info on this CD hobby. Heck, I thought getting married was the cure. The important item is yours posts, insite and humor. Thank you.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Karren Hutton

Somethimes I think an affair might have been easier to recover from? On the positive side she let's me play all the hockey I want!! Ok. Almost all the hockey I want....

---

I swear this is true - my wife once told me that she would have preferred "that" to "this". At least that would have been normal, something that could be explained . . .

Karren,
Do you think that if you would have told her, rather than being found out , that she would look at this any differently?

I feel for you Karen. My wife is accepting, but she still once and awhile jumps on me about whether I'm taking any pills or thinking about changing my body. I've been straight with her since we started dating and unlike her, have never lied in our years together. So don't feel it's all on you because she would probably still be a little distrustful no matter how it all came out. Never lose your sense of humor.......some days it's the only sense we've got!:devil:

I'm sorry Karren. I guess all I can say is that we all ride the highs and lows. At the very best, the VERY best, this stuff complicates a relationship. We all just work things out as best we can.

Hugs,
Debby

Karren

I know how you feel. Your situation is very similar to mine. But don't give up all hope.

My wife found out 5 years ago, and she really went ballistic.

But last month, she actually let me go to the Keystone Conference. I gave her kind of a PowerPoint briefing (sorry ladies, I'm also an engineer) and she told me it was OK to go. Her one comment was, "Just because I'm OK with your going doesn't mean we get to go out as girlfriends." I was shocked. I asked her where she heard of that. Her response, "I watch Oprah."

Now, I'm hoping for a girlfriend outing 5 years from now. God bless Oprah.

I told my wife 30yrs ago after 10 yrs of marriage. Lots of things happened since now and then. We are still married. My wife has never seen me dressed. I get out about 1x a month sometimes 2x. We hardly ever talk about it. I hang some of my fem clothes in our closet. The key word in my life is balance.

Yours Terri

Karren,

I have no magic words for you. I have nothing to add that you haven't already heard or felt. I have nothing that will cleanse your soul and make you feel like better person or spouse....I am empty. What I can say it that this thread brought tears to my eyes. Why? Because every wife mentioned is me. "I" am your wife, that finds things and immediately questions what they are or wonders what took you so long. (10 mins, is a LOOOOONG time! No. Really, it is!) "I" am Kathi's wife that checks body parts and bank accounts and calls during work hours. "I" am a wife that would rather it be an affair or would rather it be a sport because THAT is something that can eventually END. This will never go away. And, wow, do we ever wish it would.

I can't tell you WHY we feel this, and wouldn't you think that another wife would be able to explain it! That is the worst part of it all for me!

I look at you, Kimberly, Kathi, Brandy, and all of the wonderful and amazing CD'ers that this site has blessed me with getting to know, and I am full of pride and hope for each one of you. I see past your CDing, and I see the wonderful men that you are. I see brilliance and humor that make each one of you so unique. So very special.

But, at times, I see my husband....as less than my husband. Why would I do this? Why would I see him as less than the most amazing person that I have ever met?

Because, he is my husband and he should REMAIN the most amazing person that I have ever met. Audrey isn't amazing to me. She is someone that comes around. She is someone that takes up a few hours of my time with my husband. I can't explain why I feel this way, I just feel it. There isn't anything that he could do to change it, we just have to hope that time and love will overcome all obstacles.

I hope time and love will overcome yours as well. I just have no way of helping either of us get there.

Karren, I always feel for those that don't acceptance. I can always hope that it will improve for you. You have earned it whether you see it someday or not.

Next time you are 10 minutes late, tell her they had cake again. Don't forget to put some on your lips!