Is your marriage better or worse because of your crossdressing?

If your wife/partner knows about your dressing, do you believe that your marriage/relationship is better or worse because of it? This isn't a question about whether she accepts your dressing or not - just whether your relationship is better or worse.

Of course, we're not necessarily representative of the crossdressing population as a whole, but I have two questions for you.

Q1. Is your marriage/relationship:

1. Much better
2. A little better
3. About the same
4. A little worse
5. Much worse / we split up because of it

Q2. Did you tell her on your on terms or did she find out herself?


#Edit - see post 91 for a summary of responses.

I'm a 2, and I told my wife on my own terms.

My marriage IS because of my cross dressing. I'll spare you the details but I was dressed the first time I met my future wife.
Jon

Q1 Our Marriage is definitely much better for the crossdressing. We can share so much more and have plenty of things we talk about that we did not really touch on before.

Q2 we discovered the fun side of crossdressing together during playtime one evening. Nuff said LoL

About the same, we're still married and see one another but haven't lived together in 3 years.
Told her on my terms

Although we are in a DADT situation and she really hates my CD activity, I can honestly say that our marriage is better because I no longer hide it from her.
Occasionally, I will make sure that she sees me dressed commenting that I look pretty good for being a 60 year old man.
But, she holds fast to her precious hate and denial.
Other than that, we are very close.

Well I hate to be a downer but I got #5, have also had this used against me a number of times.

Initially it was between a #3 and #4 early on in our marriage. But, then after considerable thought and reflection on her part with no involvement from me she came to accept it and then offered to be supportive of it. After that our relationship became #1 and even better than a #1. She accepts me unconditionally!

And I told her on my own terms before marriage.

It's a 5 for me and I told her wish I hadn't now

I don't know whether my relationship is worse, the same or better. Crossdressing has been a part of our lives from month 8, 20+ years ago to today. So it is all we have ever known.
I told her because after a previous failed relationship, I knew this part of me wasn't going away and hiding it was not an option. She didn't go running and screaming for the hills after finding out her 'manly' construction worker likes to wear feminine attire. So I guess it was ment to be.

We've been married 47 years. It's a relationship that works on a number of levels, and my CD is just part of all of that. Husband, lover, partner, best friend and girl friend are all part of the package. So ... I guess 1, and I told her early on.

I just wish others could be as fortunate.

If you asked me I would like to think it is 'a little better.' If you asked my wife the best answer I could hope for is 'about the same' but she might just as easily say 'a little worse.' Crossdressing adds a lot of complications to a marriage.

About a 4 for me.🌺

Between a 3 and a 4. I told her on my terms, but she really doesn't like it.

Not a category for me. together for 25 years, she's known forever, we have a great relationship, and it's just part of it; it just is.

Mine is a 1 and I told her on my terms

It's a 5 for me but I'm the one who told her, just wished I'd shared this with her before marriage so she could have at least had the chance to back out.

For me question 1 I'm a 4.
And I did tell her before marriage but I was not where I am now when we got married.
My dressing developed over the years to a point that even surprises me

I would have to say a 1. However that did not come without a huge crisis that brought us to the precipice. Having come through on the other side I'd have to say we've learned to respect each others' needs and boundaries and that has made the marriage stronger. She has known about me since before we were married, but it came to a head again much later, which launched the crisis. It's important though to respect each others' boundaries.

Short answers:

Q1: 2) a little better
Q2: I told her on my own terms.

Long answer:
We recently celebrated our 15th anniversary. I came out to my wife about a year and a half into marriage, before we decided to have kids. We had always had a great relationship, many similar interests, lots of inside jokes, etc., but the reveal put a big strain on our relationship. I would say it was a 5 (much worse) for the first month or so, then a 4 (a little worse) for about a year, but for many years now we've been in the "a little better" zone. I think my wife would agree. I imagine all things considered, she'd probably rather that I wasn't a crossdresser, but she has mentioned that she feels even closer to me now that she is one of the few who knows my closely-guarded secret.

Q1 - is a 1. We get to explore what we both like and indulge in our desires without having to explain the why's. Like watching the red carpet shows or E news etc etc. Without having to put up with the eye rolling or the complaining that is stereotypical of manly men. But I can also go out and chop would, dig a fire pit, build a concrete walk way and it's perfectly normal. Best of both worlds.

Q2 - I told her on my own term. Literally within the first ten minutes of us seeing each other in person.

Question 1 is 1

Told her on my terms before marriage

Mine is a 4 and I told her on my terms, when my wife found a nightie, she wishes I hadn't told her.
It was a relief to unburden myself but at a cost of a more difficult relationship at present.

My SO and I agreed we are at a 2.

I don't think I can really answer this question. My wife knew about my CD'ing before we got married so its always been a fact of life for us. She has said she appreciates my other side and that it gives me a gentleness she finds appealing.

It also helps me understand why she needs yet another pair of shoes. :)

For me I'd definitely say much better and Q2, on my own terms.

Anyone hear the old joke 'when did you start crossdressing? When my wife found a bra and panties in my truck! 🤕

Seriously though, she thought I was having an affair (faint perfume, suspicious business trips). She was actually ecstatic when I came out!

Q1: Probably about 1 to 1.5. There's definitely things it adds to it. She occasionally borrows slips of mine (one of which I never got back, grr ;) ), and will raid my pantyhose/tights collection if she needs something. Our sizes are too far apart on shoes/dresses/skirts/blouses to help her otherwise. She has commented several times that I educated her about pantyhose; she wore grandma pantyhose before she met me. 'But they are soft!' she would say. Now she wears real pantyhose, ones that look great AND are soft. She enjoys that I don't mind shopping for clothes for her with her. She appreciates that I understand that if you find a piece of women's clothing or shoes that are perfect, you don't hem and haw about it...you but it right then and there because a week from then it will be gone and you'll never see it again.

Q2: I told my wife on my own terms, after we'd been dating about 4 months. Two days later, she bought me pantyhose. Nice ones too :) That said, acceptance wasn't total at first, but nearly so. We had a major bump along the way, about two years into our marriage. Worked out well though.

Sarah,
I took a deep breath on this question , I'm coming up for forty two years of being married.

I suppose the first question for me is how good is it still without the CDing, all I can say is the good parts are better than the bad parts we have a good family around us.

I came out to my wife twenty years ago , we didn't part over over it but it brought the whole question of how much my wife loved me , at the time it didn't look good so I spiralled down to almost ending my life.
Twenty years on and after counselling we nearly separated , the gap was too wide between my needs and her acceptance level. Too many people were going to be hurt if it happened so I was given a little more slack, so now I go out socially. It's not ideal but it's working at the moment.
In some respects CDing has kept me in my marriage, it contains my sexual needs otherwise I may have had affairs and split the marriage anyway, my wife is also aware of this point .

Sorry it's not an itemised answer putting down a number doesn't explain the answer behind it.

Q1: 1. Much better. The secret I was keeping from her was forcing me to be distant in an otherwise perfect relationship. Total honesty, or no secrets, is the way to live.

Q2: I chose to tell her.

Q1: It was always good, now it's great! Way better.

Q2: 100% on my own terms, the secret was eating me alive and did not allow me the ability to explore things fully.

I told my wife before we were married and after a few of the usual questions she jumped on board enthusiastically. Her acceptance and encouragement has brought peace to my heart and opened our marriage to lots of adventures neither of us expected. My answer is #1.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by sarah7391

marriage/relationship is better or worse because of it?

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Oh, that's easy. It's over because of crossdressing. So, 5.

A 3 for now until she deals with it then it could go either way and I came out to her
Emma xx

Mine is a 2, we're a lot closer now, I was quite distant before I told her on my terms, been married for 27 years but only came out to her about 4 years ago, mind you my dressing lay dormant for much of our marriage, onwards and upwards 😉

Q1. It moved from a 3 to a 2 and then a 1.
Q2. I figured it was better to do it on my terms. That was over 22 years ago.

For us it is a 4.

I was outed after 46 years of very happy marriage and, obviously, it was a big shock to her.
She is trying hard to be supportive but both of us have bad spells and I feel very guilty to have put her in this position.

However, for those who are critical of those of us who didn't tell, when we met there was virtually no information available about CDing and, if you were exposed you faced total ruin. Additionally, i felt it was just a temporary phase which finished when we courted. I know better now!

On question 1 it is hard to answer, I think better because we both have fun with it. She has known since before we were together. How do you know if it would be better or worse if it has always been apart of the relationship? So 2 is my own terms.

1st marriage: 4/told on my own
Prior gf: 4/told on my own
Prior gf: 4-5/told on my own
Prior gf: 4-5/told on my own
Prior fiancé: 5/told on my own

Current gf/fiancé: 1 / own

Q1: a 5 - not split up, but kicked out of house once, asked for divorce several times, and she saw lawyer and told kids
Q2: I tried to see her reaction to me wearing one of 2 lacy bodysuits I got for her (us) 2 years into marriage and she was not into it. She found stash a year later and seems to tolerate it as hose/heels a few times a year as bedroom activity and would buy me stuff for those rare occasions. So I was happy with that for 19 years and then she stopped completely since I put on hose while she was out and she came home and found out. This lead to DADT and me exploring my pink fog and making Ellen a reality.
Ellen

A number three and told her on my own terms.
She accepts it and had contributed to the dressing by helping me look better when dressed. She did tell me she didn't want me outed. She has bought Jaylyn clothes and when we are in the makeup section she always asks if Jaylyn needs any makeup.

Yes she knows.... I'll answer Q #2 first: I told her before we got married..no secrets...honestly believing she'd bolt for the exit door. This didn't happen. Once we got through her "fears", she is very supportive...which leads to my answer for Q #1, we are a definite #1....in fact...better than "much better".

Thought I'd say from a GG's prospective hope this is ok :/
Q1, definitely a 1 as he is less distant more relaxed and happy :) Q2, i kind of knew form a few things he had said so asked him a couple of times and told me :) It was the hardest thing he has ever done he says because you are laying yourself bare and leaving yourself open to rejection!

A 1 for me

And I told on my own.

I told her on my own terms, and that was almost 15 years ago. It's been up and down, and I'd say we hovered around a 3/4 for quite a while, but in the last year, we've made a lot of progress, and I think we're inching towards a 2. :) Interesting to read people's thoughts and perspectives on this. Wish we could get the wives/SO's equal rating and see how they matched up!

On my side of it, our relationship is the same. I support the dressing, and I support the non-dressing. It is totally my SO's decision and not mine and I'm OK with however my SO chooses to present. But, my SO does not identify as a woman and therefore does not live as one. If he did, then I'm not sure where we would be.

On my SO's side I should think the relationship is much easier because I do accept, than if I objected. He doesn't have to hide, he doesn't have to lie, he doesn't have to suppress himself when he wants to dress, waiting for the next opportunity. If he did, I don't think he'd want to stay with me. So for my SO, I'm guessing he would say the relationship is improved.

Q1 It varies. In some ways 2, other 3 and some others 4. Q2, I told her on my terms.

Q1 Yep, I'm a no.5 my wife put up with it for many years , but I could see us drifting apart, I have been divorced now 5 years. I also told a lady that I was dating 2 weeks after we met, all was good at first, then she decided that it wasn't for her, so she ended it.
The lady I'm with now will never find out off me and I hope she never finds out, she lives in her own home 43 kilometres away and doesn't want a live in relationship or ever get married, both are fine with me.

Q2. she found out for herself, she came home unexpectedly.

I'm at about a 2. My wife has never been really accepting of my dressing, but she does realize that it is a necessary part of me. She does tolerate it as long as it's not in her presence.

I'd say we are a 3. She of course has a much deeper understanding of me now though. My wife barely tolerates my cross-dressing and I can't wear lingerie in front of her - she spits the dummy big time! I've tried wearing a slip in bed - putting it on when I think she is asleep - no good! I've let her "catch" me a couple of times in the house when the kids are at school - no good either sadly.

My wife found out when she found a Cosmo I'd accidently left around. I've been reading and collecting Cosmo for many years and have a huge collection, which I had kept secret from her. I hated keeping my Cosmo's secret, so at least this is out in the open. She reads my Cosmo's from time to time, so this is a big improvement in my life. Overall my life is better having the secret out. My wife would say her life is a little worse, so it balances out I guess.

Q1: 5 - well really more like 11 (3 years later, the war between us goes on.)
Q2: I told her on my terms

She will never forgive me for what happened. I know that now. I begin to question my ability to forgive myself for what happened. 3 years later, and I still haven't managed it.

I told her about my affection toward wearing pantyhose before we married and she's was ok with that. You are who you are was her response. After may years of marital bliss she still has no issues with me wanting to wear pantyhose. But when I sprung a pair of ankle strap pumps on her, that didn't go over as well as I had wished. I was allowed to keep the pantyhose but the heels had to go.