First GG intersted in me in decades. Says i must stop dressing.

I have gone 29 years without a woman interested in me, but have been emailing and talking by phone to a never married woman 500 miles away. She really seems to care about me, and meeting, and maybe me moving near her. But, she says i was born a man and am a man, and crossdressing is wrong, and i can quit, and with help, rise above it all. i have explained how it has beenwith me since a young age,and it does not just go away, and i do not do it that often. She says i can rise above it, and move on. It is so rare that a single Gg is interested in me. I thinks he has some toxic family issues, too, though, and seems pretty paranoid. A lot of failed relationships, too. She has issues, not just me. i like the way she dresses, wears dresses much of the time! That is a plus. I know we humans can adapt to most anything, if we must, or choose, but never easy usually. I am sick of cooking for myself all my adult life, and at 62, might be willing to compromise, for a good lady. But, for now, I am not makin any commitments to her, just friends. I think she is in her 50's, kind of desperate to marry. I know quitting dressing is possible, but the desire would not go completely away. I just learned i have a not very well working kidney. I come from very toxic parents and sibling, and have some mental and emotional illness, too. As mush as i would like a somewhat attractive woman in my life, i just have too many issues , including dressing to consider marriage, unelss the woman is willing to compromise, too. Not just me compromising.

Not only are there lots of red flags, but giving up dressing for a woman 500 miles away that you have never met seems a bit silly. I'd understand if you had been dating for months and wanted to get more serious, but there are way too many red flags here that I would be weary of. Especially the part where you said she may be desperate to marry.

I would say you need to meet her in person my friend and take it from there. As you say, anything is possible if you really WANT to do it. It really depends on the person. :)

If anything does develop, at least you were open and honest with her from the start. You may have a few more hurdles than most relationships though.

Thanks for the input! Yes, some red flags. i have been emailing her off and on for 8 years, and definitely would need to meet and spend time with this person. I am cautious now, but was desperate for decades to marry. Good thing i didn't with most people i wanted to marry. it would not have been very good. Just friends is all i need, really, maybe an occasional date. It would take a very rare, deep, compassionate, forgiving GG to put up with a basket case that i have been, but i also have learned a lot through all the parent and toxic family stuff, and other hardships, and dealing with my illness. It is not wrong to be single for life. Friendships can take the sting out of it. I know that some GG's try to change a person they are interested in. It is very hard for anyone to change. People, regardless of gender, too often try to change another person.

At 62, it's going to be really hard to change.
Based on what you have said, I see more than red flags. I see big flashing lights, bridge is out, turn around, run for the hills!
That being said. She could just as easily accept your crossdressing as you giving it up. In my experience, part of what GGs are looking for in a "man" is having tha balls to be assertive and tell them what you want. You can do this wearing panties and cute skirt.
Just my opinion.
Roxy

Until you meet and get to know one another in person you should not commit to anything at all. I would be wary of someone who has never met you but is already trying to pass judgement on you and get you to change something that is a deep part of you. Stopping cross dressing is not like changing clothes. I believe that it is an integral part of who we are. Whether it is nature or nurture or both, it has made you what you are today and you cannot just cast it off.

I think a meeting is important whatever her view of your cross dressing. You cannot truly get to know someone via telephone and internet alone.

My wife found out about my dressing about 8 years ago. She always knew I liked pantyhose but didn't realize how far I dressed. She NEVER once asked me to stop just asked I didn't in front of her or the kids which I'm happy to compromise. I've found that the times you purge, you just buy everything back. It's part of our DNA whether people like it or not. That's like "converting" someone who is gay, just not gonna happen.

Let's face it, even if you tried to give it up for her, you'll probably fail and/or be unhappy. Like others have said, be friends and take it slow. Who knows, she may come to the conclusion that it's not a big deal. But I'd be wary about someone so far away making demands on me.

I know you can do whatever you put your mind to Alice. You have weathered the toxic storm with your family. I agree with your caution and it's wrong to try to change a person "overnight". That is why you both need to meet to see if a relationship is doable. :)

Thanks for all the advice and comments, from all. Right on Kate. The woman hs had family of origin challenges, too. I better be wise, and easy does it, with caution. Most of the time, it is best. Her and i are of the same unusual church, but that does not mean we are totally agreement about everything, and i am a pet lover, must have animals.

If it were me in your shoes, this woman would make me very uncomfortable. Specifically due to her word choice. "You can rise above it all"?? What's that supposed to mean? That crossdressing is too low and vulgar for other people to handle? Is it implying that I'm weak because I'm doing something that makes me happy instead of suppressing it? I'm all for compromise, but this is different. It's like if you were an artist and it was your passion. It's so natural for you and it's important to you. It's part of who you are and she wants you to stop because she doesn't like what you're creating. I truly don't see why a man in a dress is so hard for some people to handle, and when someone gets upset with me about it, I back off. I won't talk to them anymore because I won't tolerate that kind of negativity directed towards an important part of who I am.

Be strong , Alice! I know you are strong from dealing with your family! I agree with Kate! As, you said you must be wise! Best wishes on going cautiously forward. Hugs Lana Mae

I would give it more time, especially since it is just a long-distance relationship at the moment.
And then, as you mentioned, find some compromises.
Let us know how it goes.
:)

First, she has no more right to tell you you need to stop than she does telling a gay man he must be straight. Second, you can no more "rise above it and quit" that I can switch from being left handed to right handed. Third, making such a statement is the height of ignorance and arrogance and is so lacking in respect that it should be a deal breaker for you. End the relationship now but only after you've given her a solid piece of your mind.

I think I need to be a voice of dissent here - I agree that being yourself is important, and being honest is mandatory, but every relationship comes with sacrifices. And everyone has a different tolerance for certain sacrifices. When my wife and I were dating, we talked about children. We found that the personal sacrifice she'd have to make to have children was too much greater than the sacrifice I'd have to make to go without. Additionally, we were too much in love to just walk away from each other, and we were too important to each other's futures as far as we could tell. We both made many, painful sacrifices to be with each other, but were rewarded with a rich and close relationship that few are able to even understand.

It is not sacrifice without pain, and there is no true love without sacrifice.

This is what I believe, anyway.

I'm not saying that this is the right partner for you, or that you should just give without reciprocation, but in a world filled with pain you should spend time with anyone who you can share that pain with.

Don't forget to love yourself, Alice!

- Sandra

Alice, keep in mind the old adage that men marry women in the hope that they will never change, whereas women marry men with the expectation that they can mold them into their own image of the "perfect" man and cure them of all their bad habits. Sounds as if you may be a prime candidate for such "makeover".

Proceed at your own peril. 'Nuff said.

Alice, I tried that when I got married at age 21 and quickly learned that it's a HUGE mistake to think that you can give up being who you are. I know it's tempting, but I urge you to not even consider a relationship with anyone who views your core reality as being wrong.

Like others have said, take it slow. Since she is 500 miles away, you can continue dressing, she will not see it. If you become serious, then you might have to think about quitting the dressing (which is unlikely to succeed, but...) For some of us, love only comes around once in a blue moon, I understand the desire to take it while you can.

However... one arguably bigger issue is that distance, and that is one big distance. That is a huge expense in gas, time and wear and tear on a car just to see each other. I once dated a woman who was 80-90 miles away and that was hard enough. She ended up being resentful I could not be there when she wanted me, and with work and other things going on it was a project to find the time to see her.

She is already dictating what you have to do and she is 500 miles away. Her attitude is wrong and she would have to change as well. I have a feeling all you would get from this relationship would be misery.

My first wife hated my dressing, through out all my clothes.
After 9 years, we where divorced.
I was single for 15 years, dated some, but dress a little at home.
I met a girl on a blind date, we connected at first sight.
On the third date, I brought up the idea of me liken to wear a dress.
On the 4 the date, she wanted to see me in a dress, Had to use a
skirt and top instead.
Long story is we where married about a year later, Was OK with my
dressing, even bought dresses for me to wear.
I love and miss her.
Just keep looking, the rite one will come along someday; do not take the second
choicest when the best will be coming down the road any-day.
Rader

Like Periwinkle commented, if this potential mate thinks that crossdressing is something you need to "rise above", then she undoubtedly feels you are participating in some negative activity that lowers you in her eyes. The thousands of CDers on this site would beg to differ. I think we all understand your loneliness and desire to connect with another human being, but you would always be judged against this faulty standard. To me, it would be a better life to live as who I am than have to forever mask my true inner self.

If you do not like being alone, want to cook for someone (or want someone to cook for you) and are willing to relocate 500 miles, then consider getting a gay male roommate. That way you won't be lonely, there will be good food, and you can be yourself, and there won't be any relationship issues with someone trying to change you.

But marriage at our age (I am 54) can be very, very dangerous. If you have a serious health crisis, then this woman ends up being responsible for your care, and I have heard too many horror stories about older men marrying the wrong girl, and she is off spending his benefit checks while he lies alone in a hospital bed somewhere.

I went through a divorce when I was 35, after a tumultuous nine year marriage, and it was bad enough at 35. I don't even want to think about what divorce would be like on the far side of 50 or 60.

And never marry anyone with toxic family issues -- they will become your issues whether you like it or not. I made that mistake with my first wife.

I think every body here said many things that you should consider, However you have had a long time of toxic issues. It sounds like she is one of those toxic issues. You deserve happiness, I would search for someone who accepts you for what you are and love you unconditionally. I told my SO today that it took me sixty three years to find the one who loves me unconditionally. Yeah it takes time and you should look. But find the one that loves you unconditionally.

Alice thank you for your story. I have was married to a woman that I did not feel comfortable in sharing my CD with because of the answers she gave me when I asked her baited questions. I knew she would probably say the say as your GG friend is saying. With all due respect, what part of what makes her, her has she raised above?
This is not an addiction, this is hard wired in our brain. Yes we can go for long periods of time (40 years) not dressing, but I was always thinking about. I was gave some food advice when I divorced. I don't need a woman, I want a woman. Just meaning do not compromise. Wishing you the best of luck!

I told her only friends. She wants me to come visit her. I goofed and said i might, also to check out the area, for wor, and apartments. Now, i am lloking to move near where i am. She is good artist, and has good qualities, but, i am afraid At my age, I am too set in my ways. i could go out with her as a friend. She was not harsh about my dressing, but fairly patient, but there is no doubt it would be difficult. But, i am still a virgin, and she is fairly hot! I have had to make tough sacrifices many times, partly why i am still an old bachelor. What ever the heck i decide, it will be my decision. i am willing to compromise some, as every human relationship demands it. But, not getting as of now, no way. Telling her friends only. I may not be good in marriage, too. Just long distance frienship. She is too needy, and desperate, too. She is not a bad person, though.

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Originally Posted by Alice Torn

What ever the heck i decide, it will be my decision.

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Amen, sister.

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I am sick of cooking for myself all my adult life, and at 62, might be willing to compromise, for a good lady.

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That's a helluva reason to marry some 50ish woman, desperate to get married. You might want to at least find out if she can cook. :eek:

I do not believe in unconditional love. Love has conditions, as does friendship. Everything in life has conditions and boundries. i hand talked with her, and emailed together for 8 years. We have to live and die by our own decisions, sometimes take big chances, other times, very cautious. cautious is best, so i am not getting serious. Lonliness has mad people, including my parents, make some bad decisions. Loneliness is a huige problem in the world, but it is better to stay alone than commit and regret it. Any relationship takes some work, compromise and sacrifice , though. Sadly, it is usually all one sided though. Staying alone tight now. friendship only. Pets are great companions.

Nothing wrong with staying single. I am voluntarily single. Crossdressing is not the reason or a reason I choose to be single. The reasons why are another discussion. But make the most of it.

I make sure to make the most out of being single. I can do what I want, when I want, and don't have to answer to anyone.

Yes she can cook well, has shown some of her recipes and photos of them. I know i can live without a SO. She does look pretty in her dresses, . Just a date now and then is enough for me, and friends. I see she has had a lot of failed dating relationships. I have told her desire to CD does not just go away. I cannot afford traveling t her town, anyway. Will tell her nothing serious here. I will live and die by my decisions.

Sounds controlling to me. Plus you just start dressing again. It never goes away and it will come back. It's better to find someone who doesn't mind if you dress.

I don't just see red flags, I hear the Klaxon.

A-Roo-Gah. A-Roo-Gah. Battle Stations. Battle Stations. All hands on deck. This is not a drill. Repeat, this is not a drill.

The "You can rise above it" part sounds like a deep belief in a Supreme Being who gives strength to those who pray for it.

Just remember the old saying.

Woman marry a man thinking that they can change him.
Men marry a woman thinking she won't change.

As I see most of your posts , you seem to love dressing, and as most cross-dresses we love women, it can't hurt to see were it goes!
Could be interesting, have fun.

You don't need that kind of negativity in your life.

Alice, Go see her; have fun not being lonely. Ask if you could "please" dress up for her; maybe she will mellow a bit.

You are right about lots of people are lonely. Keep trying to find another while not being too picky. You will find a woman and you will have great experiences!

This is as brutal of a real-life scenario as we can encounter here. Many of us have read Alice's trials & tribulations for years. There is no right answer other than what she can provide for herself.

Here is my 2-cents.

Alice, you owe it to yourself to get closer to her and see how a relationship might develop IRL rather than relying upon 8 years of email communication. Love may be the result on both sides at which time decisions need to be made. Perhaps she will fill a void in your life that you will find it possible to eschew your CDing from here on out. Perhaps she will find it in her to be able to tolerate your CDing to some degree.

Whatever you do, in stark disagreement with Charlyne above, DO NOT dress around her in an effort to turn her to your point of view. There is no dressing "for" her, only for you around her and that is not likely to have a good outcome. If that day will ever arrive, it'll be after you both are madly in love and you are able to convince her to meet that side of you. A more likely outcome would be for both of you to be madly in love and she tolerates your CDing outside of her presence.

In other words, give the relationship an opportunity to thrive without CDing being in the equation. You have already done the hard part, disclosure. Figure out later on where CDing will fit into the mix, if it needs to fit at all.

Just keep it secret from her

Long distance relationships aren't real, Alice. Until u actually spend time with the person one on one.

I communicated with a Russian woman and another in Ukraine before I began dressing seriously 8 years ago. The Ukraine doctor was stunning, educated, and sophisticated. The Russian school teacher and I chatted on Skype for hours. Sometimes nitely. I thot we had become friends. Both wanted marriage to get out of their countries. I considered that with the doc but not with the Russian and told her so.

I had high hopes for the doc and she was amazing! She spoke better English than our interpreter and was hotter than her photos. And, she could charm the silver off your best dinner wear. I spent a week getting to know her. When I was with her everything was perfect. She was sweet, compliant, introspective, relaxed, very sexy, omg was she something! I was completely captivated. But, it turned out she was too perfect. When I spoke to her on the phone she was completely different. Bitchy, complaining, always hinting at sex if I bought her this or that. I left her without a second thot. She was either bi polar or on drugs.

The Russian woman met me in Turkey and we traveled around together for a week. We had so much fun and it seemed we were very compatible. So, I tried to see if we could be more than friends. It was the first time anyone laffed when I kissed them! So, friends we remain to this day.

My point is u r over thinking things just as I did. Meet the woman. Try to relax and enjoy the moment. I know that's difficult when your mind's working over time. But, the more time u spend with her, the easier it will be for u both be yourselves and determine your compatibility.:heehee:

"When I was about to leave home for the first time, my father gave me some advice which has stood me in good stead to this day. 'Never eat at a place called Mom's, never play cards with a man called Doc and never go to bed with someone who has more troubles than you.'" - Kingsley Amos

Again, thanks for all the comments. Yes, people with emotional and mental disorders are better alone, and not getting togaether with people with emotional and mental disorders, unless both are in real recovery. I need some serious dental work done, and need to find another apartment, and have akidney ailment, so , i won't have the money to go traveling. I can see she is a troubled , temperamental one, too. Just friends is best here.

This above all else, to thine own self be true. You know if you are able to stop but don't try to deceive yourself into thinking you can stop dressing if you really can't. This is not only about you but about her too. Think long and hard about what your life will be like if you decide to give up dressing for someone.

You deserve to be happy and meet someone, you also deserve to be happy and dress if you want to. In a perfect world you could do both.

Heisthe bride, So true. The desire never totally goes away. I do know i have not done a lot of things i could have done, and more contructive than dressing. i could have gotten involved in other hobbies. i like fishing more than i love dressing!! Bicycling, too. I could have gotten involved with volunteering more than i have. I am way too self centered and antisocial the last 8 years. But, i do have some inherited emotional illness, and it has hindered me socially. Some of us may well be better off single, though.

Don't be a hurry to get married. I was-twice. I collect ex-wives. I have two. Don't wind up in the same boat as me. In retrospect, I should have never married, either time. I'm 61 and know your being alone pain, for lack of a better term. Slow down, take it easy, and don't make any hasty, rash decisions.
Jon

Joni, Right! I f i had married some of the women i waqnted to marry many years and decades ago, I would very likely have been divorced too, fairly quickly!

Alice, I've read all the responses. Yes, I probably can bang out on the keyboard my life with cross dressing. I think you sort of have answered your own question in your post:

"She says I was born a man, and, crossdressing is wrong"
"And I can quit, and with help, rise above it all"

With whose help I may ask? She really seems to be espousing some religious twist of cross dressing. Maybe, a little prayer will help, or not. I am very curious as to why she would be so interested in you, when you are engaging in something (crossdressing) that she is so opposed to?

Alice, I've followed your toxic relationships for some time. I believe you when you indicate you have some personality and emotional issues. I do not know if you are alluding to depression which many times is hereditary. If you are low on self esteem you may end up selling yourself short. By the same token, why would she be interested in you if she is in fact opposed to cross dressing. Perhaps, she is doing what others with self esteem issues do. They settle for less than they deserve because they feel they cannot do better. I've seen it many times over the years. I would really question her motives. And, I would not even visit a woman who espoused a dislike for something that is inherently a part of my inner self.

I don't know about this Alice, but I'd like to see you get laid before you die! It's something you must experience darling. ;)

You could pretend to quit CDing for a while. I know that sounds like a deceitful thing to do, but if she's the only one in all of these years…?

Really, from what I see, she wants to fix you. Many women like to fix guys that have problems, but often dump the guy after he's fixed.

Stephanie, To be completely honest, we are of the same unusual church beliefs, and we are , like 12 step programs to go to a higher power, and do our best to overcome many things. Just being honest. But, that does not make two people compatible. She is not condemning me, just hoping i can discard dressing, which she just does not understand. Like someone on here said, how can we expect people who know nothing about it, to understand, when we don;t really understand why we are pulled to do it? It is a mystery even to us who do it! She , like 99.999% of women do not want a crossdresser for their man. They want a strong masculine provider and protector. A crossdresser is a big turn off to the vast overwhelming majority of women, as Sometimes Miss often writes. She does not condemn me, just is turned off by any man wearing clothes designed for women. 99% do not like it.I heard a woman say that today, even!

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You are right about lots of people are lonely.

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Lots of married people are lonely too. Many people only stay together, because they are afraid to be alone, or need someone to share the rent, or just can't make it alone. Don't assume everyone who is married or living with someone is happy.

We singles tend to forget that, Melanie Anne. Very few people can accept being solitary and no SO, or mate. Draas is always greener! I heard marriage is like a screen door, and flies. Flies trying hard to get in, and flies trying harder to get out! I have too much baggage, to be married, if i am really honest.