Caught dressed by my wife

Well, my wife finally knows. It was bound to happen. Today, she returned home earlier than expected and caught me dressed in my lingerie...bra, panties, pantyhose, corset, teddy, and heels. I had thought I heard the sound of the front door opening and had gone to the spare bedroom doorway to investigate. Just as I got to the doorway, she came around the corner. As I stood before her with no where to go or hide, all I said was "I'm sorry".

The look on her face was one of disbelief and shock. I will not forget it. Although she has known of my desires to dress in women's lingerie, she had NEVER seen me wearing anything other than a pair of her panties. About 2 years ago, she found my black waist nipper in our bedroom and confronted me with it. Initially she had thought I was having an affair, so being caught AND not wanting her to believe I had been unfaithful in our marriage, I confessed that I had been a transvestite all of my younger and adult life. I told her I would dress whenever no one else was at home. It began to make sense to her...the many times she or another member of the household had returned home only to find me in the master bathroom and making a somewhat lame excuse about what I had been doing or why the blinds were all closed.

After her hasty retreat, I quickly stripped out of my underwear and changed into my male attire. I found her seated downstairs with a blank stare and tears welling in her eyes. I moved to a seat across from her and said "now you know the whole truth about me." "There is nothing else."

Although, like many of us, I had feared and dreaded this moment, I was somewhat relieved that it was over. I spent the next 30 minutes listening to her wrath of how deceitful I had been, how I had lied, and how I had endangered our marriage (I truly hope not). "How and what can I look forward to being married to you". She asked "what if it had been one of the kids?" (who are my stepson and stepdaughter; two terrific young adults). "They would have been devastated to see you dressed in that outfit." She also raised the question of my being gay to which I responded "NO".

Throughout this time, I kept silent; I didn't offer a defense and remained in a very apologetic mode. I had hurt her deeply...I realized that and no amount of whatever I said would lessen that pain. Being married for 14 years, I've learned to let her get thru her anger. She told me to get "those things out of this house." So, after she left the house, I again hid them in the garage under some boxes. I'm really hoping that she will not press me to throwout all of my femme clothing which consists mainly of lingerie.

I want to stay married to her and will tell her that. She is a wonderful woman, a terrific mother, and a super wife! I will tell her that as well!

Right now, I'm awaiting her return. I want to work this out between us, so wish me luck!

Paula J

Paula,

I wish you and your wife the best as you work through this.

Since you said you want to stay married I have one suggestion that you may not want to hear. If she asks if you still have feminine clothing my suggestion is to tell her the truth. It will be a lot worse if you just hide them and she latter finds them. You will destroy all trust.

I am speaking from experience. My wife has very little trust in me now due to being caught lying.

Again the best of luck and we are all here for you.

Richelle

Paula ,

I certainly hope everything works out for you. I will keep you in my prayers.

Good Luck and God Bless

Brandi

Sounds like you handled it wonderfully. The only advise I can offer is consider her tone when she told you to get those things out of the house. If they turned up in the garage it could be the last deceitful straw. Unless that's what she intended?

I really feel for you. And it pisses me off, that people just can't be openminded about the stuff. I mean - what harm are you doing? Why do you have to be sorry? Because you cross-dress? It's not your fault - you didn't choose to become a CD - you were born one. I guess the only fault on your side, is the fact that you weren't open with her about it - but then again, judging by her reaction - why should you be in the first place? You have nothing to be sorry about - wifebeaters, cheaters, and parasites are "people" who really have a reason to be sorry - but not you.

Yet another example of our greatest fears! I am far from being one to tell others how to live, but............. Your wife's reaction is textbook!! Gay and deceit! The gay part is fairly easy to get around, but for GG's the crossdressing is initially secondary to the deceit of not telling her your "secret." Women are marvelous creatures, they can put up with a lot, but they want us to share EVERYTHING with them, no matter what!!!! If she is able to get over the deceit aspect, that you had a secret that you were unwilling to share with her, then, then the reality of what your secret is will hit home so she has to take two very, very hard gut shots! This is where you find out just what a woman she really is. I have to be brutally honest with you, you are in for a, hopefully long period of unhappiness. You know the old adage,"If momma ain't happy ain't nobody gonna be happy!"
To anyone else reading this who is in the closet - HELLO!!!???
I could write books on this but that has already been done so read, study, see where you are in your realtionship. Are you going to live the rest of your life in fear - is it worth it to you - to her?? Think about it girls it is not easy, what are you going to do about it????
Paula, as a service to your sisters here, I would hope that you will be able to continue to post and let us all know what goes on. It is important to a lot of your sisters here who may be struggling at or near the same plight.
God Speed, Girl!
Virginia

Paula,
I feel so bad for you... and your wife. Hopefully, once she has had a chance to cool down a bit, the two of you will be able to sit down and discuss it in a more rational manner. You said that she had found some of your things in the past, but I am assuming that she had never seen you dressed (other than in her panties) before. Because of the surprise encounter, I'm certain that she was shocked when she did see you. Hopefully, some of the words she spoke were due to that shock.

The two of you have invested 14 years into this relationship. You must be absolutely 100% honest with her... and she with you. Please know that we are here to support you AND your wife. As Virginia said, what you learn from this experience could be invaluable information to other girls here. If you could continue to post, I'm sure that it would be genuinely appreciated by many.

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About 2 years ago, she found my black waist nipper in our bedroom and confronted me with it. Initially she had thought I was having an affair, so being caught AND not wanting her to believe I had been unfaithful in our marriage, I confessed that I had been a transvestite all of my younger and adult life. I told her I would dress whenever no one else was at home.

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If you had already told her all this, what is the problem other than she never saw you fully dressed before.

When she calms down, remind that you had already told her.

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I spent the next 30 minutes listening to her wrath of how deceitful I had been, how I had lied, and how I had endangered our marriage (I truly hope not). "How and what can I look forward to being married to you".

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Remind her that nothings changed. She knew before this incident. Just because she caught you doesn't change who you are or have been. Ask her how she THINKS this is going to change you from how good a husband you've been all these years.

I hope things go well for you. Remember, no holding back now.

I often find myself questioning things like this, as it's not seen as anything strange, to find a female dressing in boxers, wearing guys pants, and shirts -- but, it's hell if a guy decides to dress in femme. Hm.

Best of luck with this though -- If you can work through it, your relationship should be stronger because of it.

Luv

~Viv~

The worst fear for all of us closet types!! My wife has found my panties on a few occasions and thought I had another woman, so I just explained that I like to wear these womens panties and she wasn't happy but she just sort of let it go eventually.

I know this has to be quite traumatic for you, but we are all here for help if you need us!


Do keep us informed! The crisis line is always open!



CindyT

Join the club, Paula-- my wife recently found my stash, which quite frankly I stopped trying to hide. Much of the same reaction you experienced, but maybe more understanding and accepting. None the less I feel awkward and just can't bring myself to share the real "me". I wish I could just disappear and totally morph into the gal I really am. :o

Paula,
I am sorry that your wife had been so upset about seeing you. I can understand what she means about the children coming in, but she had already known so she shouldn't ask you to get rid a the things. Just take things slow now and good luck. I hope that the two of you can work it out to a comforting level for both of you.


Good luck
Rikki

I don't understand this. You told your wife two years ago about being a transvestite, but now she says that you've deceived her?
Have you said anything to her in the intervening years about this? Was your wife led to believe you no longer wear female clothing?
All I can suggest is for you to begin communicating with your wife. If she respects you, and you treat her so, she needs to hear what you have to say. Just be calm, honest, and persistent. Tell her that you are still the same person she thought you were, but that you will now be more cautious about when and where you dress.
Good luck!!

You may find it helpful to remind your wife that you have no problem with her dressing as a guy! You see, the whole concept behind what men wear and what women wear was designed by mankind, as we were all wearing the same thing at one point in time, which of course consited of nothing at all. Up until let's say the early 50's, men wore pants and women wore dresses - men wore shirts and women wore blouses - men wore underwear and women wore panties - and so it goes. Today, however, women often dress in mens clothing and don't give it a second thought, while men are still for some reason restricted to mens clothing. I'm sure your wife has no problem putting on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and probably doesn't give much thought to whether they are mens jeans or a mans t-shirt. I'll bet if you check her wardrobe, you'll find at least one pair of pants that either zipper or button on the "wrong" side and I don't know of a single female that doesn't have a mans t-shirt in her drawer or closet. Further, I'll bet your wife would have no problem seeing a man in a g-string at the local male strip club while out with her girlfreinds! Have you ever heard her complain of the g-strings Tarzan and Hercules wore? I doubt it! Or the skirts the Irish men wear?

My daughter regularly wears mens t-shirts and mens shoes for their wider sizes. She and for that matter, no one else gives it a second thought when she's in the mens shoe department looking at and trying on mens shoes and sneakers. Now, can you imagine the shock on everyones face were I to sit down in the women's shoe department to try on a pair of heals? The whole thing is all one sided and it's all on the woman's side.

I would suggest you stop trying to apologize to her and start pointing out a few simple truths and realities. Don't allow this to become a tool for her to use against you, as women are always in search of a tool to manipulate their partners with. You have nothing to apologize for. Were she more open minded to begin with, you wouldn't have felt compelled to hide it from her. So, in reality, you're decete was in fact based upon your lack of trust in her! Yet she has spun this into her now apparent lack of trust in you! Now, how did THAT happen?

A real man; a man of faith, conviction, and with high self-esteem and confidence in himself; a man in control of his life will first and foremost accept himself for who and what he is and won't feel compelled to apologize for it! A real man; a strong man; a man of strength and courage won't attempt to hide his feminine side from anyone and for those who haven't come to terms with this simple truth yet, know that no human being is 100 percent male or 100 percent female and a further, yet simple truth, is that women are more male than men are female, as women were created from man and science backs this.

Your wife is being rather self-absorbed and selfish right now, thinking only of herself and not of you. Right now, this is all about her; how this affects her and what this means to her, how it might effect her relationship, and how it could effect "her" children were they to find out. Living life in a fantasy land isn't healthy for anyone and right now, like I said, your wife could use a dose of reality.

My advice to you - get a grip man! You're still the man of the house. If you run when you see a police officer, he's going to chase you; he'll assume you've done something wrong. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO HIDE FROM THIS! Don't throw your clothes away and don't hide them, either. If your wife wants to leave you because of what you wear, quite frankly your relationship sucks anyway! There isn't a single one of us that would leave our wives because they cut their hair short, put on a Yankee's ball cap, slam a beer down now and then, nail a shot of Jack Daniels, or put on a pair of mens Rebocks.

Look, all men play with themselves, all men have a femine side, and all men wonder at some point in time what it would be like to mess with another man - it's just human nature...

This is a routine occurence for me, even though my wife of 9 years knew about me 15 years ago.

Don't focus on yourself and your rights. Acknowledge her feelings, after all she was shocked and surprised. Her feelings are real to her. Take the time to remind her you love her dearly, and that you have no need to usurp her role in the relationship.

If she comes around, be prepared for her to go off the rails at random intervals and be prepared to remind her of those things time and time again.

The only thing I don't compromise on is who I am (I'm just honest about that) and I never let my wife ask me things like, "what if the kids". That's just transferring the issue somewhere else, rather than confronting her own feelings.

It's a tough path we've chosen for ourselves, but it is manageable.

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Your wife is being rather self-absorbed and selfish right now, thinking only of herself and not of you. Right now, this is all about her; how this affects her and what this means to her, how it might effect her relationship, and how it could effect "her" children were they to find out. Living life in a fantasy land isn't healthy for anyone and right now, like I said, your wife could use a dose of reality.

My advice to you - get a grip man! You're still the man of the house.

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Just what century are you living in?? Yes she knew about the crossdressing, but even so, knowing and seeing a man dressed in womens clothing comes as a shock. Do you have any idea of what goes through a womans mind when she first sees this?? Paula has the support of this forum, who does the wife have?? Who does she talk to about it?? We don't live in cave man times anymore you know, a marriage is based on love and honesty. Talking this through with her when she has calmed down would be a good start and getting everything out in the open. Be honest with her and don't pull that macho 'Im the man of the house' crap on her either. As for hiding your clothes, well she already thinks you decieved her, doing this will only make things worse. I hope you can sort things out with her, 14 years of marriage is a long time just to throw away.

Tamara x

Hi Paula,

I can understand the shock your wife felt when seeing you,even though you told her you were a TV.Her reaction is to the shock,not you.It is definately time for a serious discussion with her once both of you have cooled off.You can work through the issues if you both are willing to listen to each other.
This forum is a great support network and you will get lots of advice from people who really care and have been though some of the same problems.
I hid my crossdressing for 46 years and after joining this forum I found the courage to come out to my wife.I answered the usuall questions and we seriously discussed my CDing and what effect it could have on both of us.Marriage is a partnership and will only work if you both communicate with each other.Try to see her viewpoint as she should try to see yours.compromise if you must but don't throw away a marriage,it takes work to make things right.
And for Gods sake don't use the I'm the man of the family crap.
Keep us all informed it will be a great help to others in similar situations.Good luck,you are not alone.

Love and Hugs,
Priscilla

My advice to you - get a grip man! You're still the man of the house. If you run when you see a police officer, he's going to chase you; he'll assume you've done something wrong. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO HIDE FROM THIS! Don't throw your clothes away and don't hide them, either. If your wife wants to leave you because of what you wear, quite frankly your relationship sucks anyway! There isn't a single one of us that would leave our wives because they cut their hair short, put on a Yankee's ball cap, slam a beer down now and then, nail a shot of Jack Daniels, or put on a pair of mens Rebocks.

You're not married, are you? And how old are you anyway? 90? This is the 21st Century. Don't you think it's time to start evolving a bit?

"You're not married, are you? And how old are you anyway? 90? This is the 21st Century. Don't you think it's time to start evolving a bit?" Sharon

I don't know Sharon. I think the heart of Carrah's statement has some basis, if not just basically truthful. Sometimes flat out truthfulness is what matters. While I wouldn't go so far as to claim I'm the man of the house, etc. I think that knowing that you are at least equal in this relationship should mean something. I find that allowing a woman to demand manhood from her husband while she stands there in men's clothes is rather ridiculous when I think about it. I also believe that the major reason that men are ashamed to be transvestites isn't as much from what other men think, but how women have conditioned men to think about themselves over time. Women's only strength up until the late 1950s was nothing but manipulation, manipulation in all of its fashions. So, in some cases, to allow a woman to sit on the couch and tear up and make accusations about lieing, deceit, etc, is just another manifestation of their ability to conquer via manipulation. And I've been married since Jesus was a corporal.

Wow Paula. I went through the exact same thing about 6 months ago. After letting my wife vent for about an hour, I asked her if it would have been easier for her to deal with this, if her discovery would have been something like me having inoperable brain cancer, or discovering I was a drug addict. She still has not accepted my cross-dressing, in fact she found some of my jewelry the other day and told me to choose dressing as a woman, or her. I told her this has been a part of me for 28+ years, I have quit before, only to come back to it. She has not responded to this comment yet.

I wish you the best.

I have dredded about this situation like most of us, being caught dressed up, i did have to make sure i was in normal boring clothes half an hour before my girlfriend came in from work for fear of being caught. (been together 9 years).

But a few weeks ago, i had to tell my girlfriend about my 'secret dressing', because of the pressure it was putting on us as a couple, it nearly finished us, and now, as hard as it was to tell her, she took it way way better than i thought she would!

The main problem for her (as for your wife) was that i had lied to her for 9 years, NOT that i dressed in womens underwear and boots.

She understands that i have these desires to dress, and as long as she does'nt see it, she does'nt mind.

This has taken an immense amount of pressure off me, and as a result we are getting on really well as a result.

So now for you, now it's in the open, and although you did'nt want this to happen this way, with time your wife will hopefully come to terms with your dressing.

I really hope you and your wife sort things out, and she understands your needs.

Dee.

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Originally Posted by Sweet Susan

I don't know Sharon. I think the heart of Carrah's statement has some basis, if not just basically truthful. Sometimes flat out truthfulness is what matters.

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I have to agree with you Susan. While I don't agree with some of Carrah's statements, her point of view is refreshingly black and white and reminds us of some simple truths such as-

CDers have to accept who they are, be comfortable with it and come out of the closet. They should never feel guilty or have to apologize for being a CD.
At some point you have to tell your SO, and the sooner the better, preferably near the beginning of the relationship.

The majority of women are still disgusted at the idea of feminine dressed men because their social conditioning of what to expect from a male partner has not progressed much over the last decades. While men know to no longer expect a subservient girl in petticoats to answer to his every dersire, women's expectations of men is that they still have to be the "man" in the house and to look the part. A re-assessment of men's roles/behaviour in relationships from a women's point of view is long overdue.

A relationship has two people. So once a SO gets over the shock of the discovery, the discussion should be about the happiness of both parties and incorporating what is a harmless and often beneficial behaviour into their lifestyles. For a wife to continue to deny her husband's emotional needs and happiness is to reject part of him, to make him continue to feel guilty and ashamed, and place pressure on him that the future of the relationship depends on him giving up crossdressing.

Essentially she is telling him is that her love for him is insufficient to overcome her social conditioning of what manhood is, or her love for him is insufficient to overcome the potential loss of her reputation in her community. Either way, her reaction to the news her SO crossdresses is very revealing about her character and ability to love.

i showed my wife the first week we met that i dress,,, got it all out and in the open so no secrets about who i was,, then it was up to her to stay or leave,, we been together now for 11 yrs :D

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Originally Posted by Tamara-GG

Just what century are you living in?? Yes she knew about the crossdressing, but even so, knowing and seeing a man dressed in womens clothing comes as a shock.

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Hi Tamara. Now I know why your avatar has lightning bolts running through it! Just playing devil's advocate here but why should it be a shock. Why was it that she never asked him to see him dressed? It seems that she herself wanted to avoid the whole issue rather than address it when it first arose.

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Do you have any idea of what goes through a womans mind when she first sees this?? Paula has the support of this forum, who does the wife have?? Who does she talk to about it??

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The lack of support is an issue you rightly raise regularly. My question is why are women so hesitant to form their own self support groups? There are millions of women who have CD partners but never seek out help. Is admitting that their partners crossdress so terrible that they suffer in silence. It appears that they women will not even discuss this matter with their best friends.

Boy has this happened to me! I started Dressing as a Teenager and only ocasionally dated until I met my future wife. After an on again off again relationship she moved in wirh me. She found several Girly thing in the dresser and I told her. She said it wasn`t fair yhat I had nicer Lingerie than she. we went out to shop bought several oufits that was 28 years ago. We don`t dress that much now due to other Family living in the house so we take our Playthings and spend the weekend at a local Casino with rooms. I guess I am a very lucky Girl. Danni :)

WOW Carrah that is one of the best posts I've seen regarding the subject of this thread. For once somebody has spoken out for the guy and said it as it is. I will probably be in the wrong for saying this, but I applaud your frankness and honesty.

Paula Jeanette, you have my sympathy, I understand what you are going through, but Carrah sure makes a lot of sense.

Linda

Ah, the Forum has come through once again!

There are some wonderful and thought provoking responses above....except for those who gloat that they're not in that circumstance - and were smart enough to get everything clear up front...well, woopee for you...that doesn't help our sister one bit.

You now have a credibility issue -BUT as pointed out, numerous articles and books are available on the subject - and right at your fingertips: the Internet has more support groups and literature than you can shake a stick at. Your wife thinks her world has collapsed - and she's married to one of a dozen freaks in this world. Since she won't believe you any longer, it's time to introduce outside "authority" in the form of the aforementioned books and literaure. You have to show IMMEDIATELY that you're one OF millions - not one IN A million. This is the first step in her getting over the "poor me" syndrome. Which, by the way, she is entitiled to.

And the clothes? Yes, get them the hell off the premises. You appear to have some expensive clothes, so weigh the cost of a rental closet to the cost.

Good luck. Prayers, indeed.


And keep us informed - besides the help available here, there's a lesson to be learned by some.

Lipstick kisses

Karen

Just to clear a couple of points; when I refer to still being the man of the house, I'm not refering to that macho, chest pounding, grunting, farting crap. I'm refering to still being the male in a male/female relationship, which the wife or SO in these cases tends to doubt - for whatever reason. Crossdressing, in fact, makes you no less a man - period! Look at it this way; would it make a difference to anyone here as to whether or not Marine Force Recon soldiers were looking for your butt while they were all dressed in women's clothing? Let me just say this much, I certainly hope not!

I'm 46-years-old and was with my x-wife for 25 of those years; 5 dating and 20 married. We seperated and ultimately divorced due in absolutely no part to my then occasional bout with crossdressing, which in general involved nothing more than panties and pantyhose and generally only during the colder, winter months primarily for warmth and to some degree, comfort and fulfillment. She was aware of this and fine with this.

Bottom line, we're talking about clothing here. We're talking basically for most of us, about a hobby. We're talking about having fun. We're talking about the essence of a relationship; trust. We're talking about no harm done. We're talking essentially about the same paint on our faces and nails as those guys with "Go Eagles" painted across their chest at the ball park.

Finally, what century am I living in? This century - modern times. You see, one of the many things I have learned about myself is that if I am thinking it and getting involved in it, whatever "it" may be, so is an aweful lot of other people. I have learned that I am rarely out in front of any concept in America. Knowing this tells me that we are all on the virge of this whole crossdressing issue coming into the forefront sooner than we might think. In most cases, I am a late-comer. Note that we are seeing it more on TV, hearing it more, reading about it more, and so on. I have seen two CD's in two different malls within just the last three weeks and these were in relatively rural areas.

It is us, we that make this a bad thing by hiding, shriveling up, and cowering from it. As a former Marine I have learned that when the going gets tough, we all fall upon our training - it's automatic - the essence of training. With that I have resolved myself to while I am not interested in revealing myself to all I know and then throwing it in their faces, as do so many gay activists, but then neither will I hide from it when what I do is discovered. When and/or if I am unexpectedly discovered, I will not contribute in any way to the concept that it is somehow a bad thing by apologizing, cowering, or shriveling up like I've done something wrong or perhaps filthy or deviant.

To my girlfreind of 5 years (maybe 6, who's counting) I brought it to her the moment I realized I was back into crossdressing again after so many years and why, because I trust her and because I have an understanding and acceptance of human nature. I am confident that my relaxed approach to the whole issue was a factor in releaving her of any concerns she may have had otherwise, had I approched the issue as though I had a desease or a defect of some sort. Recently, while watching a SITCOM, one of the characters pointed to an x-spouse and warned his girlfreind that he is a crossdresser. I looked at my girlfriend, who was kind of going to simply ignore the comment, as though she didn't hear it, and as we made eye contact I said "well, so am I!" We both laughed and that bit of tension was immediately resolved. I then said to her, "Well, baby, we may have switched roles a bit here; you wearing the suits and me wearing the skirts, but one thing you have at home waiting for you in the evenings that a lot of other women do not have and only dream of, is a sex-machine." She said, "you are a very sexy man - I love you..."

I did get something from this thread; that women, to some degree, have no one to discuss this with. Technically this is false for any woman with Internet access, which my girlfriend does have and which she is quite capable of utilizing to it's fullest. I have asked her on a couple of occassions if she is still comfortable with what I do and she has assured me she is just fine with it. I understand that I do not want to keep dwelling on that point, however. I have simply asked her to let me know when/if she ever just get's tired of it for whatever reason. If that time ever comes, I am reasonably certain it would be based upon her interest in bringing me back to reality; something that can and often does escape us all from time to time...

I also wish you well with the struggle your in. I'm in the same boat with my wife who is totally uncomprimising with this issue. I think her thoughts of what a Cder is revolve around the television aspect of the subject. I've been watching the Law and order program with her because that is where she actually developed her ideas. If all representation of our comunity is like this than change in general will be along time in coming.
On the thearpy side her church sponsored psychologist tells her to be uncomprimising because her view is right. :mad: I would make a jarhead coment considering his background but that woulnd't accomplish anything.

Good luck with your situation and for what it is worth your wife probably should remain number one for now. My thought is there is plenty of lingerie to by everyday but my wife is only one of a kind.

Danielle

(curtsey)

My experience has taught me that being honest and up front works best in the end. There are times when there is hurt initially, but in the end, it was better that one was up front.

There are times when i have met GFs while dressed. Little to tell them about, there, they already know. i have met two or three while dressed at Hallowe'en or other costume parties. i made sure to tell them that i do not just dress like this for parties. They have all been smart enought to figure out that no one spent that kind of money for just a party costume; they do know what this stuff costs.

For other relationships, if it looked like it was going anywhere, i would tell them after a couple of dates. Those who ran and/or made comments about being a 'queer' or a 'wierd-0', oh well, they would have done that no mater when they found out. Those who did not.good.

i go for periods of time when i shave body hair and don't shave it. There have been times when i was getting up close and personal with a young lady and she discovered my missing body hair. More than one asked why. i was truthful. Sometimes i would try to be funny: 'You shave your legs because hair looks silly in nylons, well i look silly in nylons with hairy legs too'. i have been thrown out of more than one apartment or house and been pulling on my shirt and carrying my shoes and socks as i moved from the doorway quickly lest the neighbors see what all the shouting was about. Similarly, more than one has gone into her closet or lingerie drawer to get something for me to wear while we got even more friendly.

Sure, the negative experiences hurt, but in the end, i realized that i was better off saying something when i did.

(curtsey)

-sissy stacy

Each of you...in your own way, has expressed feelings and emotions based on personal experiences and I appreciate your willingess to share them with me. I appreciate the overwhelming support...gee does it help to know I have some who accept me the way I am....a crossdresser. Thank you!

Needless to say, Friday was a rough day for both my wife and I. We had a dinner engagement and, to her credit, we did attend. Naturally, there was still some anger and, of course, many stretches of silence in the drive. But, basically, I just let her vent...which she needed to do. She was pointed and direct in her comments, critical, and not physical. It was OK because I'm still alive and she did not kill me...which I'm sure she felt like doing for all her anger AND THE HURT. Luckily our evening went well and there were a few moments where we enjoyed ourselves. I wasn't worried about her divulging secrets to anyone. One thing about my wife, I can trust her implicitly! She knows what would happen--to both of us--if my secret were known to others. Although I know she wants and needs someone to talk with about my crossdressing, she won't. One possible course of action for me is to initiate more direct discussions about this rather than follow my usual course of action...silence. Maye our chats will help her think through her fears and anxiety as well as afford me an opportunity to tell her about myself and provide some general information about crossdressers.

Well, Saturday was calm and Sunday the same. Sometime during the weekend, she did make a comment or two..."...and you even wear stockings and heels..." "...watchout, I have an image of you which others don't have..."

So, I have a lot to say and share. I appreciate your letting ME vent. I have a lot of thoughts in my mind but I don't want this to be a long post. So, I'll break them up.

Lastly, thank you again for your support and thoughts.

Paula J.

Paula, First sympathies for the turmoil you and your wife are going through. There is a plethora of stances and approaches to take. I hope you choose what is best for you.

Thanks for the update. It sounds like the both of you are going to be fine. I got reassurance from my wife (after I outed myself) by her little comments as well. It told me that she is dealing w/it. It is good to let her vent. Don't try to fix her problem, that is not what she wants. She just needs you to be there for her. Two other points I'd like to make. One is to keep talking about it. Communication is the only way the two of you will move forward. The other is honesty. Be true to yourself (most important), then be true to her.

Best of luck,
Dana

Susan stated: “I find that allowing a woman to demand manhood from her husband while she stands there in men's clothes is rather ridiculous when I think about it.”

Helana stated: “For a wife to continue to deny her husband's emotional needs and happiness is to reject part of him, to make him continue to feel guilty and ashamed.”

Think a lot of gals feel that guys enfemme can't "be men", and that phallasy (typo intended) can be quickly laid to rest. They might then also realize that such men (and men they definitely are) are also more sensually pleasing than their wham-bam-thank-you-mam counterparts, and grow to appreciate their lover's feminine alter-ego.

Good shot, Keri

There are two levels of hypocrisy here -

- the replusion many women show to crossdressing men despite the fact that 90% of their own wardrobe is masculine

- the fact that women want "new men" who have sensitive, emotive needs - reading between the lines, a man who combines the good bits of a best (girl)friend and a "real man". Women should be warmly welcoming CDs but instead they mostly reject them.

It has always seemed to me that social acceptance of CDing is going to come via teaching women, not just to accept CDing but to appreciate it - meaning a crossdressing man would be a desirable partner to have. If women were to welcome us then other men would be dragged down the road to social acceptance as usual and the whole social scene would change rapidly.

Gays made big strides in social acceptance not because (homophobic) men accepted them but because women did. All of a sudden it became trendy for women to have gay boyfriends as part of their social circle and this materialised itself in TV shows and magazines which meant that being gay was no longer a shameful behavoir. Men have adjusted their viewpoints to accommodate this new reality.

Women are the driving force behind changes in society and I hope the new generation of CDers will be more open and successful in making women realise the benefits and finally remove the guilt we all feel.

I am comfortable with statistics indicating that crossdressing behavoir affects about 5% of men. We are probably a much larger group than homosexuals. With the advent of the internet the time is ripe for women to be made aware that their social conditioning is at odds with reality and there are many men out there who would make wonderful partners if only they could see it. Of course responsible behavoir on the part of CDers is a prerequisite for women's acceptance so we have work to do from our side too.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Helana

There are two levels of hypocrisy here -

- the replusion many women show to crossdressing men despite the fact that 90% of their own wardrobe is masculine

- the fact that women want "new men" who have sensitive, emotive needs - reading between the lines, a man who combines the good bits of a best (girl)friend and a "real man". Women should be warmly welcoming CDs but instead they mostly reject them.

---

Helena, well put. Just this weekend I had another talk about my xdring w/my SO. The conversation didn't go so well. Actually, she hardly participated. She was upset about something else. Bad timing on my part. But, I raised similar issues that when presented, I could tell we have good, undisputable points, in addition to the two you state here. She couldn't respond to them. Yet, even though these points are so accurate, have no explanation, I could just see it in her eyes, 'I still feel differently - xdring grosses me out and I don't want to see you, or think of you like that'.

Let the revolution begin.
Dana

Hi!

Well, it has been a full week since my life as a crossdresser took a different direction. I can happily report that we are still together and living as husband and wife. A real test will be our next opportunity to be intimate and to make love...young adults at home place a restriction on these activities. Up until last Friday, my wife had accepted my wearing a pair of her panties when we were intimate. It will be interesting to see how her having seen me dressed in lingerie will play out.

Ever since telling her two years ago of my lifelong practice and desires to wear women's lingerie, I have wanted to increase what I wore from just panties to include bras, stockings/pantyhose, etc. I've been relatively cautious and taking things slow because I have no way of judging what her reaction would be to several things, such as having breast (wearing breast forms in my 38C bras)--I'll address this later--but mainly whether it would be better for me to be wearing make-up and a wig. Basically, would she be more receptive to me appearing as a "total woman" with wig and make-up or just me in lingerie without wig and make-up? Which would be easier to accept?

With regard to breast forms, again, would my having breasts been too disconcerting for her to accept? She had once mentioned after learning of my transvestite proclivities that she did know if she could take seeing me with something on top, meaning wearing a bra. So, how would she react to seeing me with breasts? A full-busted woman. My intuition was telling me...not very well....my having breast would be too much.

So, for several months now, I'd been trying to decide which way to go. I loved wearing a bra with my breast forms; I loved the feeling of having breasts. I had not bought a wig or tried to wear make-up. I was torn and undecided...BUT....

Now that she's seen me wearing only lingerie, pantyhose, and heels, without a wig or makeup, this is moot point! I'm not so sure if she actually noticed my breast...but then again, how could she have missed it. She got a full frontal view of me in the doorway.

One lingering question for me is...could my use of a wig and wearing make-up have softened the blow for her? What do you ladies think?

Lastly, thank you to everyone who has taken the time to offer their points of view and expressed support. I'm determined to save my marriage and move forward by turning last Friday's event into a positive thing. For her, I know the sting and, more importantly, the hurt and mistrust is still there...lingering just under the surface. Consequently, I'm taking slow deliberate steps but also not going to allow the fact of my crossdressing get totally lost and again swept under the rug. My goal is to establish an agreement in which she is aware of my crossdressing and is knowledgable about crossdressing and transvestism, in general. I am hopefully that we can get to a point at which she and I can comfortably discuss the topic. Preferably, I would like us to come to terms which does not forbid my crossdressing--so I do not have to hid. Also, it is not necessary that we integrate my personna as Paula into our lives.

Well, ladies, thank you again for listening to me and allowing me to vent. I appreciate your being here for me. As usual, Paula must become invisible for the weekend as the family will be around.

I wish all of you have a good weekend...enjoy your femme side!

Hugs,

Paula J

All I can say from my experiences is that if she caught you in make-up and a wig she would have been even angrier. The more you look the part the more threatened they are.

Hi Paula,

Looks like I missed quite a bit during my week in Florida. We are soooo overdue for a chat now sis.

Quite frankly, I wondered when this would eventually happen. This type of scenerio was precisely why I told my wife about my CD'ing before we even got engaged, just so I wouldn't have to deal with what you will now be dealing with for quite sometime to come.

I was happy to read that you want to continue the marriage and try to get past this and make things right between the two of you. It will be an uphill climb for sure. I do think, however, that your wife overreacted somewhat considering that you had told her in the past of being a CD and promised to dress when no one else was home. Just because she hadn't actually experienced the "shock" of seeing you dressed before, it shouldn't have provoked that extreme a reaction from her. I also don't believe that knowing your desire to dress, that she should be telling you to get rid of the clothes. Some compromise is indeed, in order here, and that means she needs to start being more tolerant and understanding. A lot of frank discussions will be forthcoming, and you should welcome this. I would just advise that you not become defensive during the talks that you two will be having. This is a very large part of who you are Paula...something she needs to have a greater understanding about. Hopefully, she will be open-minded enough to being educated on the complexities of the CD and this will be the time that you need to both educate her and to reassure her of who you are and of the man that she married. She is going to run the full gamut of emotions for quite awhile now so be patient with her and just be there for her. Answer her questions openly and honestly....don't hold back. But don't apologize either. You have done nothing inherently wrong here. Just reassure her that whether dressed or not, you are still the man that she fell in love with and married.

Of course you have all of your sisters here on the site available to you for support...and you know I am always available for a chat with you. When you need me Paula...just PM me...I'll be here for you babe.

I wish you only the best and hope that you and your wife can work this out to your mutual benefit. You have too many years of marriage invested to let this come between you. You can work this out together. Best of luck always girlfriend....remember that I am here for you when you need me.;)

Love you,
Chrissie:)

I certainly hope everything works out for you my heart goes out to you both. maybe you need to sit down with each other and talk it through but remember do no push her into something she does not agree with, you will both regret it later. i count myself lucky i too was caught out by my wife but this was her finding my stash of clothing but i sat down a talked it through but to my suprise my wife actually accepted it and the only thing she did not like was the fact i had be hiding it away from her now its all in the open i feel better and we both have a happier relationship.

...give your wife a chance to digest what you have shown already. My guess is that wig, make-up and breast-form would be TOTAL DISASTER! You've got to segregate your fantasies from the reality of her initial reaction. Now...you're going to ask her to make love to a "fem" that used to be her husband??? REMIND YOURSELF of that reaction of a mere two weeks ago!

Patience....patience..patience...

Sincerely hope all goes well...

Karen

As I said in a previous post, I have been dressing for a while. My wife knew that I had a skirt, and have been wearing panties for quite a while now, and panty hose (with my wife's knowledge). I recently took photo's of me dressed, and left them where my wife could see them. She hasn't said that she doesn't want me to, either around her or not yet, but we are still talking about it. Guess that's a good sign, sort of.

Ariel,

As long as you and your wife are talking, that's a great sign. Gaining spousal acceptance is a very tough and definitely unknown road to travel. Although one may gain "acceptance", there are no guarantees that there may be a U-turn just around the next bend.

This morning as my wife was preparing to leave for work, she mentioned that I've been quiet lately. My response was that I hadn't changed. Then she said, "Oh, I know why" and left for work.

Well, it's good to know that the subject of my crossdressing has not been totally buried away in her mind.

So, keep at it and good luck!

Paula J.

My husband and I have been married for 15 years, together for 17. Less than a month ago I came home sick from work to find my husband vacuuming the house in boxer shorts stilettos and thigh highs. I will never forget the look of sheer terror on his face or the feeling of my heart literally spilling out onto the floor. He came over to me and hugged me, trembling...and I only half-heartedly hugged him. He wanted to talk and I told him I needed time, because even at the moment I knew it might be harmful to speak before I'd had a chance to absorb what I'd seen. He got himself ready and left for work...and I just cried all day. Did I cry just because he was wearing women's clothing? Absolutely not! I cried because I didn't know what this behavior meant to him....to us....or how to integrate the person I'd seen with the person I'd known for 17 years. Realistically I knew that they were one and the same....but what I'd seen was such an extreme departure from who I'd come to know that I was uncertain as to whether I'd ever really known him at all. I felt betrayed, even though I recognized that he had, in a way, betrayed a vital part of himself first.

My husband had always been a very "manly" man....who never displayed much emotion....so much so that many times in our marriage I felt as though he were de-feminizing me...by judging my sensitivity and nurturing nature. He was always very focused on what I looked like, as well....frequently buying me lingerie and jewelry and such. His concentration on my external self combined with his neglect of my "internal" self left me feeling as though, for all the years we'd been together, in many ways our relationship was shallow.

What I hadn't realized, is that his own "woman within" felt forced to live only vicariously through me. He loved me and resented me at the same time. He judged my own femininity harshly because he PERCEIVED that I would never be accepting of his.

When he came home that evening we talked....and I discussed with him the ideas I had....and he just cried and held me. I told him it was time that I was properly intoduced to his "woman within". Since then our relationship has flourished in ways that neither one of us could have imagined. We mutually empower one another are forging a much stronger relationship. I wish he had told me sooner and enabled me to be who I have always been....the one who will always love him.....no matter what!

Belledonna,

Thank you for your post. It gives me hope of gaining acceptance from my wife. To me, your post is especially significant since you're providing a perspective that is genetically and biologically the other side from the rest of us. And, believe me, that is very important. Too many times, without our knowing or realizing it, our comments, views, and statements contain biases that are grounded in the male perspective. Although we may think we being female and expressing feminine views, we are inadvertently displaying our values, mores, ethics, etc. etc. thru this male-oriented lens.

I am not putting anyone down here and don't intend to be demeaning in any way. I'm just raising a cautionary note in light of belledonna post.

Again, thank you.

Paula J

dear carrah i really enjoyed your thread about the how and why we crossdress and what our wifes think about it,i also was in the service and served in the navy during vietnam,doing two tours of duty on board my ship.my wife knows all about me now and like you said for the longest time we all cowered in shame ,scared what would they do if they ever found out.i endured that for 30 years and i finally had enough and i told her.so now i belong to one of the best cd groups in the new york city area cdi and i am enjoying every minute of being myself all my love sissy maid phylis anne :D :)

H!
Well I wrote a thread about this vary subject.It seems most cross dressers don't want to talk about telling their loves one untill it's too late.That vary bad because all your doing is lieing to your wife doing this behind her back,worse you have made her angry at you and for what? Nothing really other than sneaking around dressing and hiding dressed up?. This NOT what you want.You should of told her before you were married about this if she could come to terms with it fine otherwise you have to dress away from home or compremise.I just don't understand why so many TV'S CD'S aren't more honest to their families about their fun hobby? What do you people think this is? this is having fun cross dressing when you hide it like this as some are doing your only hurting yourself feeling guilty and making it worse for everyone in your family and etc.It's time you admit to your wife's and girlfriend's that you are a CD/TV something you'll NEVER EVER give up no matter how hard you try you'll always have the urge to cross dress! Good luck and hope you find a solution to your dressing up problem with you wife.
Parent's on the otherhand that you don't live with that don't know or friends that don't NEED to KNOW really don't need to know your a cross dresser only the people you live or with your wife girlfriend lover etc need to know about being a CD
HUGS
TIMMIE

It's something that many of us go through. I haven't been seen but I have been caught. I don't know who cried more between the both of us. What is important is how you move forward from this. Keep the lines of communication open but don't force the issue. The need for information by her will come over time if she truly wants to learn more. The real problem becomes whether or not she accepts the femme you. Be respectful, listen to her opinions and answer the questions truthfully!!! Good luck and keep us updated.

Hugs and prayers,
Rachel Denise

In 1997 I was outed. My wife's reaction was horrible. I tried to explain to her and answer all her questions. I found all sorts of things for her to read. I wanted to open up, alay her fears and use this as an experience to share something that I had hidden away for all of the years we had been together. She would have none of it. She was angry, would not listen, told me I could not dress in or out of her presence. It was awful. She went on anti-depressants and for years would barely talk to me or be intimate. She took everything femme that I had and threw it out. And that was that. Everytime that I would try and broach the subject again she would get angry and shut down. So I stopped. Somehow we have stayed together.

For years after that I did not dress at all. I was too afraid of getting caught again. Then I started dressing again. The urge was too strong. I started building up my wardrobe, I started joining back in the internet CD chats and communities. But then, she almost caught me again. So in a panic I grabbed everything up that I had and dumped it. I have not dressed since.

It has now been over a year since I have cross dressed and I miss it so very much. I keep hoping that a day will come when she will finally open up and talk to me about it. She has now known for 8 years and yet she never goes near the subject and I am deathly afraid to bring it up because of what happened back then.

While we have managed to stay together, I have had difficulty dealing with this. I see many of you continuing with your passion, our passion and I envy that. I feel that not being able to address this long standing issue keeps a distance between us. THough we still kiss and hug and make love (considerably less though), I want to share this part of me and reach a closer bond with her and she won't let me. I want to be able to recite the stories that I have seen from GGs who have said that this experience has enriched their relationship.

Now, although I do not dress (and desparately want to), I am having this secret online life where I read about what I cannot do. As I read more, I think more and more about whether I can continue not to express a very important part of me. I use other things (art collecting, books by women) to relieve some the frustration, but it really is not enough. I want to stay and build my relationship and yet feel that not resolving this issue creates a chasm in our life. I have thought more and more about being unfaithful (minimum case) with someone who is supportive or just plain leaving (I cannot believe that I am even thinking of this). It is something that I don't want to do and yet I feel more and more that I am painted into a wall in my life. I keep hoping for a miracle to happen and that one day out of the blue she will say something that will start us talking about a conversation that never got started 8 years ago. These days I find that I bury myself in my work to dull the feelings.

When I saw this topic it really hit a nerve for me. I don't envy Paula the path she has to go through because it is a tough road, however, I hope that her outcome is happier than mine has been. I have found over the past few months reading posts at this site has helped me think through some of these issues, but I am a long way from solving was seems to be unsovable. I am ashamed to admit that I am one of those who has started dallying with online relationships because I am so frustrated and I see no way out. I am very ashamed of this and actually reading these posts is also helping me to step back and look closer at that part of my behaviour and rethink what I am doing and why...

Good luck Paula,

Melissa

And that is why I am single and won't let a women have my heart.I can't deal with the drama.