Why is it so hard to find cd friends who aren’t looking for sex?

<begin rant>
Anyone else here have difficulty finding face-to-face friends who share your interests in crossdressing and don't want a little more than friendship?

As anyone knows who has lived in the Middle East, crossdressing is not an acceptable practice here. While many see Dubai as a beacon of liberty in this giant sand pit, it still has a long, long way to go. With the encouragement of my wife, I’ve been on a journey for many years trying to branch out and meet new friends to hang out with who share my crossdressing interests. As it stands now, it’s just me and my wife. She’s the only face-to-face friend who has ever known. Having no social or support groups here (for fear of jail) and a lack of folks here at crossdressers.com who seem to live in the UAE, I’ve found that Yahoo 360 offers the best chance to connect to quite a few expats living in the Middle East and who share similar interests. But, no matter how hard I look, everyone seems to have one more interest than I do: Sex.

Are guys - who might wear a dress or not - really this thick? My 360 page clearly states something along these lines: happily married, looking for friendship only, not gay or bi, looking for people who share interests in dressing for conversation, blah, blah, blah. And what do I get? “i am a nice guy sexy sweat nice and seeking friends before anything else” Anything else? There’s NO anything else. “I’m free. Do you want to *** over for a visit?” What a tool. Do grown men actually spell come that way? “You’re sexy. You want to get together for some fun?” **smacks forehead and rolls eyes** And on and on... Who the f%@k are these degenerates? Is there this big gay cding scene all over the world that I’m so ignorant of? Can’t crossdressers just have a friendship and nothing else?

Maybe I’m asking for too much. Maybe it’s because of this sexually repressed region I’m working in. I’m ready to give up. Anyone have suggestions for finding friends here? Anyone else have stories of messaging harassment or cders/admirers who just don’t seem to get the message?
</end rant>

-Stef

Dear Stef,

I'm afraid it isn't just the Middle East. Even here in the good ol' USA, I've encountered the same thing. Repeatedly.

Those who are looking for sex (often on the down low) are willing not to take NO for an answer. (I guess they think they're god's gift to men, or that no means maybe???)

And those who are looking for just friendship are scared to meet anyone new (possibly because of all the ones looking for sex?).

All I can say is, persevere. Keep looking. Keep being clear about what you want (and don't want). And you will find friends. I did. Took a while though.

Blessings,
Rikki

Dear Stef,

it's everywhere i get that crap too .. i just don't respond anymore i know it's rude but if i open up a dialog it never ends ..it's like just because i dress as a chick they think i am ever ready for sex or something.. hell no eww . it is hard to find decent friends only.. but keep looking were out there somewhere

Quote:

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Originally Posted by RikkiOfLA

Dear Stef,

I'm afraid it isn't just the Middle East. Even here in the good ol' USA, I've encountered the same thing. Repeatedly.

Those who are looking for sex (often on the down low) are willing not to take NO for an answer. (I guess they think they're god's gift to men, or that no means maybe???)

And those who are looking for just friendship are scared to meet anyone new (possibly because of all the ones looking for sex?).

All I can say is, persevere. Keep looking. Keep being clear about what you want (and don't want). And you will find friends. I did. Took a while though.

Blessings,
Rikki

---

I've had the same experiences as Rikki. Not on this site, but another CD dating site. I get hit on a lot over there, by guys.

It seems there is a fine line between the CDs that want to "dress together" and those that really want to "undress together"!

You look very nice. Many other people do not think above the waist, sad to say. For them, friendship may be a vague concept, because they never looked above the waist, and never had a genuine friendship. They have a "Johnny One Note" mentality. (Same old predictable motives.) I imagine that it is also impossible for women to dress in a tuxedo in Dubai, and take their girlfriends out on the town. In the meantime, you have us. We are capable of good friendship, and we can think below or above the waist, but we aren't likely to enjoy making others ill at ease with unwelcomed sex talk.

This is probably the number reason I don't try. I do not want get into this situation. I would love to meet like minded people, but the unknown keeps me from trying.


:2c:

Meeting for friendship is one thing. What gets me is just trying to find someone to chat with. I go to several different chat room to just meet others and talk but it never fails at least once (on a good day) someone wants to bring sex into it. I think, sadly, that many males think only with their little head and they "bother" to chat with you only long enough to get your a/s/l then it's off to the virtual bedroom.

I feel the same way. I'd love to meet others. I think it would be great to be able to talk to someone face to face who understands but the risks seem to outweigh the potential gain of a new friend.

-Paula-

because all crossdressers are horny. hehe.

thanks Stef for your rant, I think it is gross when males crossdress for sex with other men I do not have any interest for that at ALL. it would be nice to meet other cders who do not have any interest sex. friendship with cders is fun when all you do is share your common interests in crossdressing, cars, or any other hobbies.

i have made several very important freinds thru this site. when they ask for a meeting let them know you are married and that your wife will be there? that is what i have done and we have never had problems. maybe you should only be looking for married cds ?

Welcome to the world of women hun. Sorry to say, this is a common problem for a LOT of women! Perfect example... I have a profile on a website that clearly states numerous times not to bother to contact me regarding sex, cybering or anything of the sort. I specifically mention that I have a blog named "Idiots of the world try to score" in which I will post your user ID and the moronic conversation you attempted to have with me (along with some commentary of my own). They still contact me. :( As a matter of fact, the first thing a lot of them mention is how they would love to f*** me! Umm... excuse me? What the hell ever happened to "hello, my name is..."? People just don't bother to really read profiles nor get to know someone. Don't get discouraged though. It simply means when you do make a friend, you cherish them with all your being for they are a rare thing indeed. :love:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by rose382832

i have made several very important freinds thru this site. when they ask for a meeting let them know you are married and that your wife will be there? that is what i have done and we have never had problems. maybe you should only be looking for married cds ?

---

What about us unmarried c/ds who just want someone to have a laugh with? I.E. Shopping, clubbing, etc!! I just want to meet people i can have fun with, i,m not even vaguely interested in sex with men or other c/ders..The idea does nothing for me at all!! I,d love to meet others for a laugh, nothing more, but they don,t seem to be out there!!

It's the same with anyone!
You can find friends, male or female who just want to be friends, and you can find friends who want to be sexually involved.
You can find gay friends, male or female, who just want to be friends, and you can find gay friends who want you for sex.
You can find fellow crossdressers , who just want to be friends, and you can find fellow crossdressers who want to have sex with you.
:hugs:

Hello Stef,

Unfortunately, I'm nowhere near you out there in the Middle East, but fortunately I am the "1 out of 10" who are not looking into the "sex" thing. I am only interested in GG's and if I was there, or if you were here, it would very much be a pleasure to do the girly things like shopping, dining out, or just talking about crossdressing with you.

Hugs! :hugs:

Honey,

Men want sex. Men who don't are, perhaps, rarer than Crossdressers.

:rose: Roberta :rose:

Thanks Roberta...I think that was a compliment.


Emily Ann

I think Roberta is correct, no matter what is said before hand, every time I meet with another CD, or someone that is interested in "being friends" with a CD there is a problem. Even when my wife is along, before the evening is over, that "friend only" guy is trying to get my panties down or get inside of them:eek:. The only thing having my wife along seems to do is delay it till I go to the bathroom or she steps out to her bathroom.
So, we have become very sceptical of "Just friends" type and usually just evjoy the evenings out by ourselves.
Mikecd

Hi Stef

I'm with you 100% on this one i've been looking for the same thing for over two years now and all I get is the same sort of responce that you are getting

They are out there Stef. I have several local friends that I get together with, usually at the club. We associate, we chat, we dance, we have a good time, all without even mentioning sex. I've also met several great friernds there from the Forum during special events. We always have a good time.:)

This is one reason I joined Tri-Ess. All the girls in the chapter that I am in are there for friendship ONLY. Most are married anyway. We do get out together and/or in groups of 2-3 at times. Makes for a fun evening and being together we can keep the wolves away. It is a shame that there is no groups over there that you can join.
The way they handle women, sex, and marriage, it is a wonder that they have any kids in the first place.

Hi Stef
Try contacting [email protected] she is an expat South African who contracts in the UAE and is TV and is a member of our local TGSA site I have often chatted to her, but unfortunately never had a face to face as Ive always been out of town when she is here on leave. I know she would like to make contact there and has similar problems as yourself.

I guess it depends on where one goes looking for friends.
Also, yahoo is kind of a "meet market" for many.

In real life, I have not had a lot of CD friends who were wanting sex.
I imagine non-CD guys might be more likely to want to "hook up"

I also think that most non-CD guys who are attracted to us just don't understand that we are not that feminine under the clothes and makeup.

One thing I have heard told to people who say:

I hate it that all Men are <pick an ajdective> ! or .... I hate it that all women are <pick an adjective>!

that is...if you believe that all men are like that, that's the kind of men you will be comfortable with, same for women. By comfortable with, you will have landed on a judgment, and the creative tension of the encounter will collapse.

The minute someone shows up who is not that way, your fear that they ARE that way will lead to your discomfort. The creative tension of the initial encounter will be supercharged with the suspense over "is (s)he like the rest?"

That discomfort is picked up on at a nonverbal level by the (wo)man, ignorant of its source. If the conversation was platonic up to that point, they might think you were uncomfortable with platonic repartee, and they would move on to plan B.

I'm not saying its always so, but it could be a dynamic in play for some of us who are dramatically P.O.'d about the kind of men and women we meet.

:rose: Roberta :rose:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by stef

<begin rant>
Anyone else here have difficulty finding face-to-face friends who share your interests in crossdressing and don't want a little more than friendship?

---

I have many real friends among x-dressers. Actually most of them are "just friends", period.

Indeed I got a few who were looking for a partner... And in a couple of cases I moght have been interested :heehee:

What I find more annoying is the style of the proposals, very rude... Direct offers to a sexual activity, no virtual "preliminaries". This is mostly the situation with men who look at our pictures... The best strategy is not responding at all...

With other sisters, even when the discussion becomes a little more intimate, it is generally done with a lot more style...

:love:
Eugenie

Quote:

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Originally Posted by deborah jane

... but they don,t seem to be out there!!

---

They're not out there, girls! They're HERE!

Massively populated and well known meeting sites are the first, and usually only, hunting grounds for every sex starved dork in the world. Trying to sort through the 2 genuine people in the sea of millions of ******s is wasted effort, as far as I'm concerned. Especially if your looking for someone with a bit of compassion and understanding for an 'unusual hobby' like ours.

If you're into goth music or thimble collecting or 57 Chevy's, those are the places to go. If you want to meet real, thoughtful, empathetic friends, then this place or a very few others like it are the places to go.

The firewalls of the admission process (being okayed by the admins and the 10 posting rule) are the doors to this social (not sex-crazed)clubhouse. They do a good job.

I've never considered joining myspace or anything like it. Way too many weirdos. Gimme a bunch of down home, sensible (mostly), intelligent (big head, not little head) loquacious trannies any day!

As for living in a far away land with a very small population of people you really want to relate to, don't bother trying til your contract's up and you can get back to the big modern world. Getting found out there could be hell on earth.

Yes, they'll probably arrest you there for CDing, then deport you. That's not gonna look good on your work record and might keep you from travelling to a lot of other places. Be very, very careful if you're not in the 'First World'.

This is the voice of experience!

deja

Hi Steph, I agree with you. I, too, am intersted in friendship only. It is disheartening ( I could use a stronger term) to find so many that have other thoughts foremost in their minds.

Hi Stef, CD'ing is mostly sexual for me. I mean not completely and all the time but an awful lot. But my asociations with other CD's are all on a freindship basis and enjoyment of things like the latest fashions and spending time together at a coffee shop. Eventually I'd love to go to a CD convention. In my situation I found out that it wasn't the other CD's who want sex and in my life up to the present I've had a lot of CD freinds. No,it wasn't the other CD's. It was old freinds who have an infantile curiousity about TG/TS/CD stuff and expect a "Transvestite" to do certain things.

There was this guy who I knew since Junior High and he was,frankly,a braggart and he told wild stories and outright lies about big money dealings he was involved in and I got kinda mad at him and I went ahead and hit him up to buy me some clothes and a wig and stuff. This guy was kinda stupid and I couldn't explain to him that even though I CD men don't turn me on. After all,"transvestites" are all "queers" according to the good old boy rule book manual(pocket edition)

So I was stuck in several situations with this guy where we drove out into the middle of nowhere and we did it. It was about as much fun as installing a hot water heater or putting up siding in August. Part of this was my own fault. I was reluctant about it ,but I've had a very happy ,but strange life and stuff like that, while men DON'T turn me on it doesn't put me too far out of shape. But I didn't enjoy it and I got sick of this guy not delivering on his braggy promises.

So Stef,the best I could tell you is that is that in my case the crossdressers weren't looking for sex. Just their aproving mentors.

to learn that there is so much sexual interest and contention among CD's. I have met a few CD's, found them to be very nice, normal folks who happen to like, as I do, dressing as women.
But fair warning, I will try to be more discerning as I continue to meet other CD's.

I feel the same. Do I take a chance on a contact? It kinda scares me. While I "could" have sex given the right circumstances, I am married. Friends would be cool. I don't know.

I'm another who is genuinely looking for friends, be they male or female. I've had more none CDs hit on me than CDs.

I've got to add my name to the roster here! I am no where even remotely interested in sex with anyone other than my beautiful wife. While, like many of you, I do get hit on both while out and while on the computer I usually just ignore them or deflate their egos ;)

I have been lucky to find a few CD'ers that really are just friends! Gurls like Tiffany, Louann, Petra, Ericaleigh, Mixie and some others are all really great people that just want to be friends and have fun being themselves, without having to resort to the bedroom!

So I think that we are all proof that we are out there, you just have to do a little sifting to find the gems. :hugs:

I think part of the problem is that after all these years, "common folk" still associate crossdressing with being gay. Look at how "transgender" became tacked onto GLBT. "What do you mean you're not gay? It says it right there... GLBT."

When I first started going out to one of my local transgender group club meetings, I was very honest with my wife about what I was doing and where I was going. I didn't want to lie and I wanted to build trust between us about my crossdressing. The conversation sort of went like this....

"So where does this transgender group meet?"

"They meet at a club near downtown."

"And this club doesn't mind having all these crossdressers?"

"No, not really..."

"I find that kind of unusual. What kind of club is this?"

"Well, ummm, it is a gay club. They are very accepting there..."

"You mean to tell me my husband who looks like a woman is going to a gay club?"

"Yes... but there is no sex stuff going on..."

"Yeah, right!"

"If you don't believe me, you can come with me if you wish."

"No, I think I'll pass. I'm not into gay bars..."

It took a LONG time for my wife to trust me after that...

We, as a community, send out very mixed signals about our sexual orientation and sexual activity. And I think that some of the tranny chasers cannot tell the difference between us even when we say "No men!", "Men get lost", or "I am happily married." What do they have to lose to ask us to have sex? Nothing. What do they have to gain? A few moments of pleasure and maybe an STD or two... So what if they piss off those of us who really mean NO?

Robyn P.

I have found much success in groups and social clubs. I have ignored request from both men and women and a few CD/TG.

Could it be that the term Cross-dresser is too broad? I have visited two local New Zealand CD and TG website forums and found them little more than free soliciting markets for fetish panty wearers who appear to be gay or bi men wanting "sex & fun".

That's fine, let them go to it. But I wonder how much damage is being done to general perceptions regarding the term CD and TG? Having sex with another man, dressed or undressed is definitely gay sex IMHO. Like I said, fine if that's what you are about.

It might be time to distance ourselves a little from the sex connotations associated now with being a CD. I quite like the term CD but I don't feel inclined to use the word to describe what I do as a lady.

The term CD just describes what we do. It doesn't describe what we are about. If the term CD insists we all cross-dress and have sex with men and each other, then I'm no longer a CD!:straightface:



Just my thoughts
Hugs Jazzmine

Quote:

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Originally Posted by RobynP

I think part of the problem is that after all these years, "common folk" still associate crossdressing with being gay. Look at how "transgender" became tacked onto GLBT. "What do you mean you're not gay? It says it right there... GLBT."

---

The problem is not that we are associated with Gays and Lesbiens, the problem is the dramatic discrimination and prejudice against Gays and Lesbiens.

And by always putting up front statements such as "you know I'm a crossdresser but I'm not homosexual." we just fuel even more that anti gay discrimination.

With regard to Crossdressing having a sexual content, that should be every one's private choice.

I aggree however that rude sexually oriented language is a real problem...

But since I also participate to forums for "Female at Birth", let me tell you, in this "Women international Day" that unfortunately GGs are also victims of sexual harasment throughout the net...

:hugs:
Eugenie

when you a cd, you are 'fair game' ... thats the perception. but in my experiance, it is no single group, it applies to just people in general, men, women and cds.
actually, i have found cds to be by far the worse... 8 out of 10 that contact me are clearly in some state of arousal and seem somewhat bemused that i dont feel the same way.
and btw, being gay dosnt mean you any more up for it either. I am a gay transvestite, but im attracted only to MEN, and guess what, i still not looking to get off with anybody.

Hi Stef I agree with you and a lot of our sisters. I have several friends here on this site and I don't want sex with them. I want to be able to go out and be a lady have tea go shopping, go to abig event and meet some of you in person to laugh, cry and enjoy each other as the ladies we want tobe and what is inside us.

What we have is a "sexual revolution meets the internet" mentality.... Used to be, boy met girl for dating and courtship which ultimately led to engagement, marriage and then ... sex.
Of course after WWII all that went by the wayside and premarital sex... boy meets boy... sex, drugs-n-rocknroll,... boys will be girls,... etc prevails ... out in the great wide open.
Along comes the internet, and the whole schtick goes to another level of moral abandonment. Me personally... won't even talk to a moron incapable of conducting a civil and respectful up front dialogue devoid of innuendo. Just because we have the anonymity of the web shielding us doesn't mean that common civility and decorum does not apply to meeting someone. For gosh sakes, all one needs do is picture themselves in a public room with onlookers being introduced to someone for the first time..... Does one USUALLY compliment a lady on her nice tits and ask if she wants to get a room? :eek: ..... It would be laughable if there were not so many web trolls that do exactly that.
Having said that. I try to make acquaintences with no pretensions. Nothing expected and nothing promised.
On the other hand, I keep an open mind and never bring along preconceived notions.
My sexuality is my own personal business. And I expect that anybody I meet is entitled to their own prurient privacy as well.
Discussion about things of this nature comes an awful long while after meeting somebody for the first time. :2c:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by stef

Are guys - who might wear a dress or not - really this thick?

---

The short answer is "Yes". In my 4 plus decades of trying to "pass as a guy" it has always amazed me what idiots most men are; as some one else said, always thinking with their "little head".
But as to the common problem of finding friends, even here in the US you might have to travel far. I have made two very good friends here on CD.com, but each were 300 miles away- in opposite directions! Hard to just casually get together at that distance!

<cynic>
I know that this thread, this forum even, is somewhat self-selecting but it seems that these sexual predators are somewhat rare in here.
</cynic>

"...but each were 300 miles away- in opposite directions! Hard to just casually get together at that distance!"

You bet! Our 'wide open spaces' work against many of us getting together and meeting new people.

This is where the UK girls have it a lot better than North American girls. Europeans, too. Their major cities, where you'd expect the most girls, are pretty close together. Getting together for an evening might only be a hour or two train ride away.

And, too, because their cities are generally much more crowded than ours, there has grown up a better acceptance of 'aberrant' behaviour, because so many people live so close together. That kind of 'living cheek by jowl' fosters more tolerance for non-threatening quirkiness.

Check out the UK girls on their flickr sites. They always look like they're having a lot of fun, especially out in the open. Less threat from the crowd means more confidence for the individual.

The ideas we got about Brits being eccentric from Monty Python and other comedy shows isn't just a stereotype. They are more open to 'strangeness' .

deja

Those who are not interested in a sexual relationship but crossdress and enjoy meeting others in a positive atmosphere should do what I did--join TRIESS. TRIESS is an oganization for heterosexual crossdressers, their significant others and family. Hanky panky is not tolerated. The ladies are great fun and activities are varied. I do not enjoy endeavors where personal safety and my enjoyment of CDing is at risk. The trick is to find a TRIESS chapter near you by going to www.triess.org. Stef, Dubai is out of my realm of help.

Hugs, Deena:)

OK, a couple of things to say here.
Yes, some low life's on the Internet WILL behave that way. Somehow they figure this is the internet, no one will know who they are, why bother with decency, tact, or respect?
Next thing I will tell you is that you CAN find good TG friends. Not sure about where your at right now (Clearly not a real good place for being open and out as TG), but I have tgirl friends all over the USA and even a few outside the US. No kidding and no exaggerating - these are really good people that you would be proud to introduce to your family and say "These are my friends, aren't they great?!"
This forum is a great place to meet people and I'll tell you why. You find someone your interested in and you do a search for all of their posts. Reading what they have written over the months and years will very quickly give you an idea of what kind of person they are and if they are someone you are interested in meeting.
So don't give up, there are other Tgirls out there that share your interests and your values and I'm sure you WILL meet some of them! Let me know if your gonna visit the States - odds are pretty fair I may know someone you would be proud to meet where ever you end up.

dear Steph,
so sorry you're in such a small-headed backwater. i sincerely hope you find some communion there, smeday, or can hold out till you're here in the good ol' predator free states. as was warned above, yikes! perhaps its much more cut and dry to live under "nothing is allowed, at least no fun things!" than here with so many shades of gray? being fecicious.
i feel for you, truly. from afar or when you're here, you have friends in this family who will not look up your skirts, as well as some who will. sad but true.
i won't.
but call me naive, i feel a lot of trust for the kind ladies i have met here in my short time. i hope i can trust my instincts, my newly liberated femme instincts, that is.
and the other instincts i'll subdue, like the impulse to call a member in common "babe!", only rarely, even as we were subdued and subjected for so long and will continue to be. except that now we have each other!
and, having awakened, life will never again be the same!
please pardon my gushing.
i feel so young! but am pretty new here.
vivaciously!
jessie

I have known ans still know. A lot of Crossdressers and none of them. Has never had sex with me or any other Crossdressers. As we do not believe in having sex with each other. However. I and some of the other Girls. Have had sex with other Men, but I never had sex with a Female. As we were taught to do. [At a young age.] So if a Man wants to get into my panties. He is welcome to do so. Also I know. There are a lot of Crossdressers. That do not believe in having sex with men. In which is okay.

Hi stef, I too have had a hard time meeting someone to just be friends with. I live in Maine and it is so far from any real population center that it is real hard to find a friend to hang out with. I am not sure where my nearest tri-ess chapter is. I think it is still out of state. I want to go to meet up with the sisters of Boston, that is a six hour trip for me. Money is kinda tight right now but I have enough saved up for the trip. I just need the time to do it. I also need to have the ambition to do it. A friend to make the trip with would be a great help. At least I could do it if I wanted too. It would really suck living in Dubai. It looks like a cool place when you see it on TV. But still not the good old USA that's for sure. I bet you can't wait to get home. good luck.

I've only met 3 other TG people in person so far. One was about 7-8 years ago and she was in the middle of transition. The other two are Joy and Teresa. I can tell you that there are people out there that are interested in genuine friendship and not "games". I'm hoping to meet a few other like-minded TGs out there this summer, just to get to know a few more people like me who have similar interests.
I have zero interest in sex at this time, transition drugs have a tendency to do that to you, but I wasn't much interested in sex before I started transition. I'd much rather have friends, male, female, or TG, that I have shared interests with and can enjoy the company of, rather then a sex partner of any kind.

Now you know what a lot of GGs go through trying to find someone who just wants them for them and not sex. Yes, most guys and Gays are that way.

I don't think there are. That is one reason why the internet is nice you can filter first then work toward a telephone meeting and then maybe a regular or boy mode meeting. That will usually filter out the ones looking for sex it shoots their fantasy right to nothing when they see you in boy mode.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Amy Wannabe

Now you know what a lot of GGs go through trying to find someone who just wants them for them and not sex. Yes, most guys and Gays are that way.

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Indeed Amy,

That's what I was trying to say in my previous post on this discussion. Unfortunately there are men around who have a bad image of Women that participate in forums, be they GGs or CDs.

And it is true that for a woman (and for some men too...) what is most important ias building a relationship based upon mutual trust. Sex doesn't have to be excluded, but it is to be the result of a very profound relationship. At least, that's how it is for me... I could never have an intimate sexual relation with someone whom I wouldn't respect and who wouldn't respect me.

Unfortunately some men (again not all of them) tend to be ready and eager to do just that: make love as quickly as possible, not realizing that it isn't like this that women react... At least the ones that I know around me...

:hugs:
Eugenie