CDing keeps me faithful...not the other way around

Loren, I admire your tolerance and understanding and of your approach...

I suspect many of us wrestle with trying to do the "right thing", and that frequently is about deciding what not to say. There are many of us on this site who have been open and then things have gone disastrously wrong, for others this approach has worked. Some of us have taken the view that if it means splitting up and then re-engaging with another that's cool because we have taken control of our lives...

There are some of us, and I am not really sure where I am yet, who have chosen a path of "protecting/supporting" the relationship (especially if kids are involved) because they fear the consequences - not for themselves, but for the people they really love and whose lives they could wreck.

I totally understand where Dana is coming from... and I think this thread is a really important one - it is causing me to challenge things big time and understand my rigidities... which is what personal growth and change is all about..

Thanks Dana, Kaz xx

This is one of those threads that make me glad the Internet came along.

This discussion cuts to the core of what concerns me about being Intersexual (2/3 male, 1/3 female). When I came out to my wife her reaction was initially negative, but it has softened, apparently to an attitude of "Oh well--boys will be girls."

I keep things on the down low and we seem to get along. I don't feel I'm being untruthful.

I agree with whomever said CD'ing was like wanting to go to Lakers games--my wife wouldn't want to be a part of that, either.

Again--great thread & thanks to all of you who have contributed.

If the only reason my husband chose to remain faithful to me was because he was a CD, I'd say thanks, but no thanks.
That rush may wear off you know, then you will be looking for new ways to keep busy in order to remain faithful.
I don't cheat on my husband, nor does he cheat on me. It has nothing to do with him being a CDer.

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Originally Posted by danam

I want to announce to the world that my desire to crossdress has KEPT ME FROM OTHER WOMEN.Dana

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Speaking as a married crossdresser, I hope that there is more that keeps you from straying than this.

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Originally Posted by danam

IWhen a happily married GM sees an attractive woman walking down the street, there is a part of him that wants to totally go to town with her. That is an animal instinct.

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I really dislike this rational. I do not understand how anybody would think of themselves as being so week of character that you can't pass a woman on the street without considering infidelity. I certainly hope that the majority of males are beyond acting like we are in 6th grade.. Sure I like looking at women. Its one of life's great pleasures. But one has to think that if your thoughts go beyond looking there might be a reason.
I think I should have this in my signature line be once again: Have that talk with your wife. No matter how careful you are you will get caught and matter how uncomfortable you think that talk may be its will be nothing compared to explaining things once your busted.

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Originally Posted by danam

I have a bone to pick with the GGs who think that crossdressing is a type of unfaithfulness...a betrayal, so to speak. I want to announce to the world that my desire to crossdress has KEPT ME FROM OTHER WOMEN.

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That's got to be the saddest excuse I've ever heard. I feel sorry for your wife, that your love for her wasn't enough to stop you from straying, your love for womans clothes etc was... goes to show what comes first.

If you didn't crossdress, then what you're saying is you would have cheated on your wife by now, pretty poor excuse don't you think? You're probably too self absorbed with your CD'ing anyway to even have the time for an affair. I think you have betrayed your wife, for putting your cd'ing first, the biggest thing in your life that stopped you from straying... I pity her... very sad :sad:

Okay, my :2c: worth.

I am continually amazed at how self centered some of us are. I read some posts and have to shake my head. I want this, I need that, I wish things were this way in my life, my wife needs to be more accepting or I'll leave....etc....etc...etc... Now I'm not a judgemental person, but come on girls. It ain't "all about you" when you are married.

Cheating is a choice. You either choose to cheat or you choose not to cheat. Trying to justify an activity you do that your wife doesn't know about by saying....well, it keeps me from cheating on her....is completely self centered.

The number of crossdressers who put the importance of crossdressing before their wives and families boggles my mind. Do you want to live and die all alone so you can wear women's clothes whenever you want to? Sounds like a recipe for misery to me.

I'm glad my wife shows no interest in this forum. She sure wouldn't have a very good opinion of crossdressers after reading a good many of these posts.

[SIZE="3"]Angie G

joanne f

Karren Hutton

TSchapes

Jess_cd32

trisha59

&

Samantha43

thanks :hugs:[/SIZE]

I agree with something that Satrana posted, "I do think that CDs are far more faithful than average guys but not because we are better people. Rather it is because we don't see women as "skirt" to chase and conquer but instead we relate to them more because of our interest in femininity. The drive to prove our masculinity through sexual conquest is largely lacking in a CD.

On top of this our self-esteem tends to be low because we have this guilty secret that makes us feel we are undesirable hence we are more likely to stay faithful to a woman who agrees to marry us even if she is in the dark about the CDing."

For me, since I've pretty much underdressed with Panties for pretty much 40+ years, I was afraid to get into any compromising relationship, not that I didn't have a few possibilities, simply because how do you explain to someone your'e jumping into the sack with, why your wearing women's panties. And now after my marriage is over the same situation still is there, how to explain why to someone new. So I think what Satrana said is very true and accurate.. :battingeyelashes:

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Originally Posted by danam

So there, I have said it. The desire to crossdress is a sexual rush...but it is a "man" thing, and don't try to understand it. Just know that it is entirely separate from the desire to have a nice, stable, and loving home life. It can keep a man faithful, because with CDing, he won't be as eager to fall for the temptation of other women, because it is really, really fun all by itself.

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But Dana, you ARE being unfaithful to her - it's just that the 'other woman' is you? :strugglin

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Originally Posted by Malori Cross

This discussion cuts to the core of what concerns me about being Intersexual (2/3 male, 1/3 female).

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Malori - intersexed has a widely agreed, physical meaning - I'm not sure you're using it the same way?

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Originally Posted by Nicki B

But Dana, you ARE being unfaithful to her - it's just that the 'other woman' is you? :strugglin

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Yep, that is true. It is cheating. But, you know what? It is a heck of a lot less damaging than sleeping with another woman. Because society is very clear about the boundaries of marriage. Sleeping with another woman is wrong. But for crossdressing...that is subject to a wide variety of opinions. Is it wrong to be secretive and dream of the woman I created? Sure, it is a little wrong...but does it really compare to having a full-blown physical affair? There are some women who think so...and many others who realize that it is just another goofy thing that men do. Women do goofy things, too.

For example, romance novels are female porn. I'm being serious. They give women the exact same feelings of fleeting joy that an X-rated porno does for men. That is because men and women are very different in this respect.

Do I feel uncomfortable when my wife cuddles up with a Romance novel? She does it ALL the time. Do I find it threatening???? Sure, it is a sign that our lives are not perfect. But it is okay, because I have CDing, and it serves the same purpose for me. A temporary escape that makes me happy.

And to answer an earlier question about whether I would hav had an affair if I was not a CDer...ALL MEN GET TEMPTED at some point in their lives. Whether or not he acts on it depends on the exact circumstances of the temptation, and the ebbs and flows of life situation, and a million other factors. So in my case, the desire to CD took a higher priority, and I resisted.

On the one hand, Danam, I'd say, " I rationalize, therefore, I am!":doh:

On the other hand, after being married and divorced, I'd say, " Different strokes for different folks. And if works for BOTH of u, go for it!":)

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Originally Posted by danam

Yep, that is true. It is cheating. But, you know what? It is a heck of a lot less damaging than sleeping with another woman. Because society is very clear about the boundaries of marriage. Sleeping with another woman is wrong. But for crossdressing...that is subject to a wide variety of opinions. Is it wrong to be secretive and dream of the woman I created? Sure, it is a little wrong...but does it really compare to having a full-blown physical affair? There are some women who think so...and many others who realize that it is just another goofy thing that men do. Women do goofy things, too.

For example, romance novels are female porn. I'm being serious. They give women the exact same feelings of fleeting joy that an X-rated porno does for men. That is because men and women are very different in this respect.

Do I feel uncomfortable when my wife cuddles up with a Romance novel? She does it ALL the time. Do I find it threatening???? Sure, it is a sign that our lives are not perfect. But it is okay, because I have CDing, and it serves the same purpose for me. A temporary escape that makes me happy.

And to answer an earlier question about whether I would hav had an affair if I was not a CDer...ALL MEN GET TEMPTED at some point in their lives. Whether or not he acts on it depends on the exact circumstances of the temptation, and the ebbs and flows of life situation, and a million other factors. So in my case, the desire to CD took a higher priority, and I resisted.

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Originally Posted by danam

For example, romance novels are female porn. I'm being serious. They give women the exact same feelings of fleeting joy that an X-rated porno does for men. That is because men and women are very different in this respect.

Do I feel uncomfortable when my wife cuddles up with a Romance novel? She does it ALL the time. Do I find it threatening???? Sure, it is a sign that our lives are not perfect. But it is okay, because I have CDing, and it serves the same purpose for me. A temporary escape that makes me happy.

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Takes ane huge breath, counts to ten, goes and bangs head against brick wall :Angry3::Angry3::Angry3:


How the HE*L would you know what gives a woman joy ............ you are far to busy doing that for yourself.......... then ......
Give me a break ............. your wife is, if you believe the crap you are spouting, probabley cudddled up with "the female version of porn (according to you)" purely and simply because her life partner is way to busy being loved up by humself .......I pity your wife I really do:Angry3::Angry3::Angry3:

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Originally Posted by Sheila

Takes ane huge breath, counts to ten, goes and bangs head against brick wall :Angry3::Angry3::Angry3:


How the HE*L would you know what gives a woman joy ............ you are far to busy doing that for yourself.......... then ......
Give me a break ............. your wife is, if you believe the crap you are spouting, probabley cudddled up with "the female version of porn (according to you)" purely and simply because her life partner is way to busy being loved up by humself .......I pity your wife I really do:Angry3::Angry3::Angry3:

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If it was nonsense, then you would have ignored it!!!

Oh well, I guess sooner or later this thread would digress from rational conversation to insults. My fault for ebbing it on, I guess. Sorry everyone!!

And, yes, I agree with a previous post: With enough thought, you can rationalize anything. I am totally guilty of that.

I have only rarely been tempted to stray from my wife, and I've never given in to those desires. Marla is one of the reasons I stay faithful as well. I don't need other women; I am the other woman!.....err...well, sorta. I don't crossdress to cheat on my wife. I do it because ....because.....uh....I gotta. Dressing is my sanctum sanctorum. Many men find relief in the arms of other women. I find mine in Marla. And I'm not even considering ever cheating on my wife.

:edit:

Let me clarify. I don't feel a need for other women. My comment about being the other woman is said with tongue in cheek. I love my wife, and she fills my needs for love and companionship. I don't stray because I do not have any desire to do so. We had a few rocky moments in our relationship, but marriages take work, cooperation, and courage to survive. I'm happy with her, and I do my very best to see that she is happy with me. 'Nuff said.

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Originally Posted by danam

If it was nonsense, then you would have ignored it!!!
Oh well, I guess sooner or later this thread would digress from rational conversation to insults. My fault for ebbing it on, I guess. Sorry everyone!!

And, yes, I agree with a previous post: With enough thought, you can rationalize anything. I am totally guilty of that.

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:thumbsdn:
What could I possibley know after all I am just a GG

The book 'Men are from Mars and Women from Venus' was so popular for a good reason.

Men and women are hardwired differently, its sounds like your wife would appreciate some romance in her life at the moment and it sounds like your content being the 'other woman' for now, filling a void rather than just enjoying cd'ing like most of us. Remember you both married for a reason, try to re-ignite what you found so attractive about her, and her in you in the past.

Time does take its toll on all relationships, sometimes they need a good jumpstart to bring back the emotions and attractions we've had for one another and they don't nessesarily have to be sexual in nature. Some of the best times I've ever had with my SO have been out of the bedroom:)

Its very interesting but breakups of all things will automatically re-ignite alot of those feelings when a couple gets back together, makeup sex is what its called and it is said to be the best ever. Been there, done that, agree 100% with it. Why is beyond me, but its like a total body, mind wakeup call for both.

Can I suggest a compromise or idea, tell your wife, get dressed up really nice your going out to a romantic dinner, one that prefferably will have candlelight at your table. Get her some of these first to start the night out:love:....and a thoughtfull card wouldn't hurt either.

Go out and talk about what you love about her, compliment her, make it totally her night, make her feel like a million bucks and show her you can romance her better than any book:)

Trust me when you get home you'll forget about the 'other girl' for the night and she'll skip the novel for the night. Then start to regrow your relationship again from there, I doubt you'll be disapointed, just my .02

As for the 'other girl', she's also an important part of your life but don't allow her to replace your SO or become more important, just enjoy being her in a healthy managed way:)

Women DO seem to like romance more than men. That means they seem to like affection, tenderness, and communication more, too.
Men, I think, seem to like just plain S-E-X a bit more!

My ex had a way of showing she "was not in the mood", without saying a word! And that attitude made me NOT WANT to provide her any affection or tenderness. She wasn't providing ME with ANY of those things either! When the LOVE goes out of a relationship, everything else soon follows!:doh: MY experience, anyway!

If Danam needs his CDing, and there's still love between him and his SO, I could NOT say he's doing the wrong thing!
If the love is gone, or goes, out of their marriage, then his CDing doesn't really matters. Because they've BOTH stopped caring anyway!

Your CD fem alter ego can provide u with raw sex, among other things. But, NOT with affection, companionship, etc. If your SO provides those things for u, but the sex spark in gone, maybe Danam and others NEED their fem alter egos to keep from straying!?
It sounds SO WRONG, but yet, SO REASONABLE!:brolleyes:

I can see that this is a way to the goals you desire and to avoid the ones you don't.

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Originally Posted by Sheila

[SIZE="3"]Angie G

joanne f

Karren Hutton

TSchapes

Jess_cd32

trisha59

&

Samantha43

thanks :hugs:[/SIZE]

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I second that :thumbsup: You guys/gurls show that not all men are selfish when it comes to CDing or your relationships, thanks for showing your love. :D

:love:

Akira

It sounds like you, Danam, have a very strong sex drive and have a strong sense of commitment to what marriage means to you. I relate to you in terms of how my inhabiting the feminine energies of my being integrates the "other woman" construct that men so often chase around.
I would urge you, however inappropriately, to consider that there might be a form of marriage that includes honesty and happiness. Whether that is right for you and your wife, is out of my league.

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Originally Posted by Akira Shaolin

I second that :thumbsup: You guys/gurls show that not all men are selfish when it comes to CDing or your relationships

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So you believe most CDs are selfish? That comes across as sexist and condescending.

Dana's point about women resorting to romance novels is a fair point. Maybe Dana's wife uses her books to prevent her from straying. Should Dana receive our sympathies for this?

If people satisfy their needs by resorting to other outlets whether it be crossdressing or books then so be it. It is NOT necessary to believe your partner must deliver everything you want nor is it remotely realistic. Relationships work on many levels in many ways so I don't see the point in criticizing other people's relationships when you don't know the first thing about them. It just leads to lots of judgmental point scoring which this thread contains plenty of examples of.

Goodness, I said not all men, can't you read? Geez, sorry I didn't include you ffs. :brolleyes:

Danam's original post says:

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I know that she won't understand it. I know her tastes, I know her desires, I know her intimately

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It's very sad that your wife doesn't have the same opportunity to know you intimately. Believe me, there will be something missing from her life with you that she can't put her finger on. A big part of you is being withheld from her and some part of her will feel that loss. She could spend her whole married life being denied a fundamental part of who you are. I think that's sad.

So let me see if I've got this right.

Because you cd it stops you from being unfaithful?

Well obviously there can't be a lot of love towards your wife if it's only the cding that stops you.

I've heard a lot of :BS: here but this beats all of them.

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Originally Posted by Satrana

Dana's point about women resorting to romance novels is a fair point. Maybe Dana's wife uses her books to prevent her from straying. Should Dana receive our sympathies for this?

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No she shouldn't, there's a big difference between reading a novel, which Dana believes is the equivalent to male porn... which is seriously the stupidest thing I've heard... so no, she doesn't deserve sympathy for that.

Think about this logically: -

1. My love for you stops me straying
2. I love my crossdressing so much it stops me straying

Imagine ever saying the second one to your partner... I know which one I'd prefer to hear, and I know which one would get his ass booted out the door if he ever said it to me :Angry3: