Tired of my wife not being more accepting of my crossdressing

So what is it that you want, Linda? Do you still love your wife? Have you told HER that recently? Linda, more often than not, problems within a relationship are caused by not communicating with one another. When is that last time the two of you really sat down with the intent to really communicate what was going on within yourselves? There is no shame in seeking outside help. Please don't let past disappointing experiences govern your future actions. If the love is still there, it IS worth fighting for.

Not to talk about therapists have you tried to get your wife involved in your dressing. Ask her opinion or get her to help with your make up. Try it slowly of course but it an idea

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Originally Posted by Holly

So what is it that you want, Linda? Do you still love your wife? Have you told HER that recently? Linda, more often than not, problems within a relationship are caused by not communicating with one another. When is that last time the two of you really sat down with the intent to really communicate what was going on within yourselves? There is no shame in seeking outside help. Please don't let past disappointing experiences govern your future actions. If the love is still there, it IS worth fighting for.

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Holly, I have to say that if you are the (unofficial) CD Mom, then at my age I must be your Mom!!

What you said in the above quote is so very true! I believe that many married CD's are so wrapped up in their own lives that they forget that their wives married a man. And they want the love of that man!! As many of you know, I told my late wife BEFORE we married. I stronly believe that is the proper time to do it. When she passed away 4+ years we had spent 49+ plus years together. I was her husband, lover, and her best girl friend! Yes, we went out together as two girls at times. She was totally supportive from the day I told her, because I never let her forget that under the lingerie and dress or skirt, I was still her MAN!!

Your opening post sounds like you think it is all your Wife's fault! As Holly so wise said, communication is the name of the game. It sounds as though you and your wife do not communicate very well. Contrary to some others, I think some sessions with a person trained in Gender Therapy would help both of you. You admitted that you pushed her, now you need to back off a little and maybe the two of you can set some guidelines. As Holly also said, if there is love there between you, it is worth fighting for!!

ditto ditto ditto. I was in the same boat. After 31 years my marriage ended. I still loved her. But she said enough. She would not accept my cding. The divorice was very hard for me at first. A real rollacoaster ride. It has been almost a year now. And I am very happy. Happily divoriced. I can be myself now. Oh I still have lots of days when I love her, but she would not love me back because I was a cd, and I say to myself that was no good for me. So I move on. life is good ya know. Don't let it pass you by because of a unforgiving wife. And that's what this thread is all about unforgiving wifes. Not just unaccepting ones. I do however wish all of you the best of luck in making it all work. I could not and am happier for it.

Maybe your wife sees this as a threat to her femininity.
Another woman in the house, there's not room for the 2 of us.

Let's look at it in another perspective.

You are not a crossdresser.
Your at the breakfast table and your wife says I'm gonna be a man from now on.

I am going to use power tools, heavy equipment, track mud in, belch & burp, cuss and scratch etc....

How would you react, your turf is being invaded.

the real difference is you are a man and
Hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn.
And you can't touch that one.

If you want your marriage to keep going
I suggest small steps my sister.

Been there done that.

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Originally Posted by paulaN

And that's what this thread is all about unforgiving wifes. Not just unaccepting ones.

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I agree. What gets me about these types of debates is how CDing is made to appear as some kind of special situation where traits you expect your SO to express to you like empathy, understanding and forgiveness apparently no longer apply. Since SOs cannot outline a rationale why it is wrong for a man to wear a dress they target something else.

If you go to websites where SOs gather to protest their disapproval then they even put the ideas in capitals like it was a Hollywood film or a definitive medical condition - The Big Lie, The Betrayal etc. Is CDing really such a treacherous act that it is forever unforgivable when revealed? It is not difficult to convince guilt-ridden CDs that it is.

And the sad fact is there are plenty of CDs who do inform their SOs early on before marriage who still end up with unforgiving partners who feel betrayed because the CDing has not remained exactly as described decades ago......as if that could be a realistic expectation.

IMHO these are convenient excuses not to move on because that would mean SOs facing up to their responsibility to tackle their own feelings of "wrongness", the prejudice that society has injected into everyone. It means having to give up stereotypes of what a man should look and behave like. It means having to share female roles and privileges just as men have had to do to accommodate women's rights.

Many SOs duck this issue because it is not a mainstream movement. There is no national debate about the right of men to express their femininity so SOs feel isolated, exposed and scared. They do not want to be the odd one out having to deal with a social stigma. They shut down rather than open up.

It is not easy what CDs ask of their SOs but that is not a reason to dodge asking questions of themselves and not for settling upon the route of unforgiveness and burying their heads in the sand.

Linda, you can try gently asking your wife "How can we work this out to where both of us are reasonable happy?" Tell her that you can be OK with her not accepting the crossdressing and not participating, but that all you need is for her to be OK with you, knowing that you crossdress. Try counseling again, keep trying to find ways of letting her know that you love her. Ask her to work out boundries with you and stick by them. I'm sorry, it sounds like neither of you are very happy at all.

Thanks again for all the great replies to my original post. I really appreciate them.

Well, you could get fired from work for logging onto non-work related websites.

And, that would be more likely if you're not easily able to surf from home because your wife of 28 years gives you hell for being who you are.

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Originally Posted by Satrana

I agree. What gets me about these types of debates is how CDing is made to appear as some kind of special situation where traits you expect your SO to express to you like empathy, understanding and forgiveness apparently no longer apply. Since SOs cannot outline a rationale why it is wrong for a man to wear a dress they target something else.

If you go to websites where SOs gather to protest their disapproval then they even put the ideas in capitals like it was a Hollywood film or a definitive medical condition - The Big Lie, The Betrayal etc. Is CDing really such a treacherous act that it is forever unforgivable when revealed? It is not difficult to convince guilt-ridden CDs that it is.

And the sad fact is there are plenty of CDs who do inform their SOs early on before marriage who still end up with unforgiving partners who feel betrayed because the CDing has not remained exactly as described decades ago......as if that could be a realistic expectation.

IMHO these are convenient excuses not to move on because that would mean SOs facing up to their responsibility to tackle their own feelings of "wrongness", the prejudice that society has injected into everyone. It means having to give up stereotypes of what a man should look and behave like. It means having to share female roles and privileges just as men have had to do to accommodate women's rights.

Many SOs duck this issue because it is not a mainstream movement. There is no national debate about the right of men to express their femininity so SOs feel isolated, exposed and scared. They do not want to be the odd one out having to deal with a social stigma. They shut down rather than open up.

It is not easy what CDs ask of their SOs but that is not a reason to dodge asking questions of themselves and not for settling upon the route of unforgiveness and burying their heads in the sand.

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Wow, this is pretty militant and inflammatory! I sincerely hope you aren't married with these views. This seems like a personal attack on GGs. Most of us GGs here are accepting and are grappling to come to terms with all that it means to us...who qualified you to say we should share our feminine roles and equate it with getting equal pay for equal work? I'm not a women's libber, I've always tried to be understanding and supportive of the man in my life, and just because some GGs (myself included) want a man to be and look like a man at least some of the time, that IS why we got involved with them to begin with, we're targeted as unaccepting and unforgiving? Give me a break! If a person feels like this, they shouldn't be in a relationship, period! This isn't all about CDers, it's about us too! Some of us are sick of all of the time and money and emotion that goes into the CDing, there ARE other things in life, bills that need paid, homes that need maintained, family that needs visited, jobs that need gone to, etc. And what this does to the social life?! It's thinking like this that causes some SOs to go bury their head in the sand!

You both makes some good points, and miss the target in a few places.

Very often, it seems to me that xing becomes a "huge" issue because the couple is no better at working out this kink than they are at others of the same size.

One of you argues that the SO needs to do more, the other argues that the CDer needs to do less.

However, one person in the couple can't succeed at getting happily through life unless the other does too.

If you want to play "Tug-of-War" and win, get on the same side.

I can't give you an answer, but I did note one thing in your post. The issue about you wife wanting to be in control of all things. Your dressing is something she can not control, thus it may go against her basic way of being in control of things. I wish you all the luck in the world.

I don't have a problem with my CDer...I am stating what I have heard from many otherGGs, that it takes over their lives...you can't have a happy relationship if it's out of balance.

>>Some of us are sick of all of the time and money and emotion that goes into the CDing, there ARE other things in life, bills that need paid, homes that need maintained, family that needs visited, jobs that need gone to, etc.


Agreed.

If there's any problem with crossdressing as a problem, it's that it gets billing as "the" problem.

It isn't "the" problem, it's "a" problem. And, often only a problem because it gets blown out of proportion and other things suffer.

Again, people...

"Take out the trash, wash the car, get the stuff off the top shelf, open the stuck can lids, paint the swing set, finish the taxes, drop the kids at Debbie's house... Then call your mother and cancel our visit so that we can go shopping for "big ol' helpful you" to get some... Things!"

(And, s-o-m-e things, you lunkhead! Kids gotta eat!)

Over thirty five years ago I told my then girlfriend that I was a cross dresser. She wasn't sure what that actually meant and neither did I. We married and then about ten years later I went to therapy at the local university. I was asked to bring my wife to the last session. The therapist told my wife that I was OK but she needed to be more accepting. That didn't go over very well.
As the years have gone by we tried the " Don't ask, don't tell" system. My wife tolerated this arrangement but didn't like it. Also, as I have gotten older I have realized that I am transgendered and possibly transsexual. I didn't realize that 37 years ago. I find that I have to dress in public and interact with both men and women as a woman to feel better about myself.
My wife and I have too much invested in my male personality to ever consider a change. I have grandchildren that call me grandpa. That is not going to change. So I will suppress my desire to live openly as a woman to maintain that which I can not give up. It's the pits but no one said that this life would be easy. Leanne2

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Originally Posted by maryklinden

You both makes some good points, and miss the target in a few places.

Very often, it seems to me that xing becomes a "huge" issue because the couple is no better at working out this kink than they are at others of the same size.

One of you argues that the SO needs to do more, the other argues that the CDer needs to do less.

However, one person in the couple can't succeed at getting happily through life unless the other does too.

If you want to play "Tug-of-War" and win, get on the same side.

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So absolutely well said! :2c:

The only advice I can give you is pretty simple and I am sure you have already thought of it...however...

Are you sure you are not missing something that is important to her? Perhaps your need to dress (and honey, I totally understand it) is getting so strong that it is clouding your ability to respond or notice her needs.

Are you appreciate or resentful when you are with her? Do you enjoy her time, do you ask for her thoughts and dreams? Are you worried, or does it make you sad when she's not happy?

My guess is, she has a need as important to her as your need is to you...

If you can take the time and find that need, then help her meet it, her view of the total you will be different...

This need for her to accept may be coming from the very male side of you that you are struggling to overcome. Try to open up some, and think of things from her point of view, and then see if it leads you to a different place.

I hope this helps,

Meghan

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Originally Posted by KayC

I sincerely hope you aren't married with these views.

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Thanks for the put-down but happily married to a 100% accepting wife who shares these views. Actually she is more "militant" than I am.

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Most of us GGs here are accepting

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My comments are not about accepting GGs since they would never think this way.

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who qualified you to say we should share our feminine roles and equate it with getting equal pay for equal work?

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Feminism is so much more than equal pay, feminism has been about socially engineering gender roles for the past 40 years.

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just because some GGs (myself included) want a man to be and look like a man at least some of the time,

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Why can't men choose their own look? If a man wears a skirt every day but does not emulate a woman, how is this different from women wearing pants all the time? Does this mean men should insist women wear skirts some of the time?

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This isn't all about CDers, it's about us too!

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Yes I know that is what my post was all about. Cding is not all about the CDer, SOs are responsible for their own thoughts and actions.

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Some of us are sick of all of the time and money and emotion that goes into the CDing,

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Are you talking for the accepting SOs or the unaccepting ones?

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Originally Posted by maryklinden

Very often, it seems to me that xing becomes a "huge" issue because the couple is no better at working out this kink than they are at others of the same size.

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However CDing is a subject matter that because of its negative stigmatization and the shame and guilt surrounding it, routinely results in one or both SOs shutting down and refusing to deal with the matter. That often makes CDing more difficult to deal with than normal issues. But if a couple are open minded and have a good communication setup then CDing never has to become the huge deal in the first place.

The key is the mindset of the individuals and how much they buy into society's prejudices....or how willing they are to unlearn and let go of these prejudices once they understand the issue.

I think many couples are in the same boat as you after years of marriage and being CD is irrelevent. Sounds sad but I believe there is alot of truth to it. :sad:

I am a gg who is struggling to understand my recently come out husband. It is very hard. Right now just not giving him a hard time is the best I can do...

>>I am a gg who is struggling to understand my recently come out husband. It is very hard. Right now just not giving him a hard time is the best I can do...

RR,

Sorry you're experiencing unhappiness about anything. Life should be happy. Problem is, you have to work at it and that can be difficult.

You say that not giving him a hard time is the best you can do?

How's that working for you? For him? For anybody?

Might I suggest a bit of reverse psychology - for both of you?

Say, "OK, lets see how this works... You want, not women's clothes, but your clothes, to dress as a woman? Uh-huh. Uh, you have a budget for that? A "look" you're going for? Or, is it just about, you know, "getting your rocks off" now and then. Come on, Bub, let's get to the bottom of this if it takes all day, three months, or whatever. I have other things to do and we need to see if this is going to work."

If people tell you about their Xdressing, it's because they want you to know. And, YOU, not everybody or anybody else. They are close to you, care enough about you, to think, "Geez, now's the time. If she were having a problem with something, I'd want her to talk to me about it."

So, there it is, on the table. Deal with it as it is. Give him the room, the things, the time to figure out if this really makes sense - even to him.

Too often, couples get stuck at some "arrangement" where he can do "a bit" but he can't talk about it, do it around her, etc. Neither the gal or the guy actually works through the problem.

As an aside to this, if he really wanted to be gay, bi, female, etc. there's nothing that can be done about it anyway. And, if you care about someone, why would you want to stop them from pursuing their happiness? It might not work out the way either of you thought things might yesterday, but life is full of challenges...

"OK, you told me. Now what to you want to do, and, what do you want me to do? Oh, I love you... And, I hear you... But, we haven't done this before and we're going to have to figure this out to see where we wind up. OK, show me what ya got."

Put that worry to work... Just get on with it.

You may wind up saying:

"Well, he was a good guy but he had some baggage - a dozen purses - that I didn't want to deal with. To each their own. I just thought I should move on and let us both get on to what we really wanted."

Or, you may wind up saying:

"I know! I told him no one wears that anymore but he went out and spent his money on it anyway. Well, that's how WE learned. So what can you do? He'll just have to wait until that comes back into fashion."

Either way, it's better than stewing.

I guess that I'm in the ditto crowd also. When I first told my wife she was tentative but accepting, and even bought me some panties and hose. I didn't push it, but after she saw me dressed a few times, she said it made her uncomfortable. Eventually she said she didn't want to see me dressed anymore, and the few times I tried to bring the subject up, she refused to talk about it. Because she is helping to care for her elderly mother, she is out of the house most afternoons, so that is when I dress now, and other than that, Jaclyn is back in the closet. I don't like the situation, but I love my wife more, and therefore, I'll live with the situation as long as I have to.

Satrana,
It wasn't meant as a put down, I just don't see you as someone compatible for a woman to live with, glad you found someone who sees it differently. I didn't sum up women's lib in one sentence as in all-inclusive, you know what I meant and yet you chose to skirt that. I felt the whole theme of your post was anti GG. Since this has become quibbling, I won't continue with this thread with you.

>>I am a gg who is struggling to understand my recently come out husband. It is very hard. Right now just not giving him a hard time is the best I can do...

I guess that's a start as long as you don't let it end there. I would greatly encourage you to learn what you can and to try to understand your husband. Education is key to adapting. Remember that "she" is the same person that you married. Think of a need that you have...can you picture yourself doing without that need? Why should your husband be any different? Instead of thinking of this as something bad (it isn't), try opening your mind to the possibility that just maybe this might even be a good thing! To suppress or deny oneself is not healthy and can add to anxiety and unhappiness...is that what you really want for your husband? You may not understand everything about CDing or even agree with it, but you do need to accept it. The only thing debateable are the ground rules that the two of you should set for your common comfort...such as whether in public, if around you, lovemaking while dressed, how often dress, how much $ allotted for it, etc.

This question is incredibly tricky and there probably as many answers as there are couples.
It seems to me that we cross dress for a variety of reasons and I can only comment on my own.
Many of us are in highly pressurised jobs, or at least we interpret them that way, and this brings a geat deal of responsibility.
When I dress, I dress in as feminine a way as possible - usually in a way that no woman of my age would ever contemplate going out in.
My SO, a professional woman never wears clothes like mine - she regards them as demeaning and they represent everything that she has worked to get away from - the "trophy wife" look.
At first she saw my overtly sexy look as an implied criticism and she is still not too happy about it, but this is not about her - it's about me and my "failings" as I used to see them.
I'm not a very masculine guy, in any way, but I have always been a happy heterosexual but from time to time I turn into a very feminine, vulnerable and submissive woman. Is that so bad?
My SO realises now that this is part of me, not her, and has come to terms with it. She doesn't see it from my point of view, and other problems remain, but our relationship embraces it.
If it didn't, I would have to give it up, with difficulty.