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two things come to mind!one has been mentioned already:insecurity in ones own sexuality or femininity.
are you living YOUR life or are your life and your actions determined by others ie what will the neighbors think!!
this does not hold for sos only but generally makes sound human beeings!
I agree with telling your SO/GF/fiance early so they can choose, but honestly (since we have no secrets) do you really expect your spouse to have told you everything???? I don't know many people who could handle knowing everything that ever happened in their spouse's life. First experience? How many boyfriends and what they did? They time she tried an illegal substance? I never expected total honesty. Maybe that is why I was married 23 years and together 33. We both knew the other wasn't an angel. Everyone has secrets.Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachel_Red
I think it is all a matter of luck, mixed with a lot of understanding. Some of you simply "lucked out" meeting that special GG who accepted everything about you. Your dressing was just another facet of you that they love. It makes you happy and complete so they cultivate it. Some of your SO's found out before the relationship or well into it and they accepted that part of you as you.
Unfortunately, many of us had just the opposite reaction from our spouses. Total unacceptance. Yet we stayed with them anyway, and hide that part of us in the closet. We at least get to share our feelings here,
Like I said, it is just the luck of the draw......
If it affects day to day life, then not disclosing it to a future spouse is wrong.Quote:
Originally Posted by Lorileah
I also believe in the power of understanding and compassion. I have always believed that GG have a lot more flexibility and compassion just for the fact that they are beings capable of creating human life and therefore embracing it better.
Koka
There're a lot of good answers. In addition to what others have said about honesty, I think it depends on...
* ...her beliefs, attitudes, and values (and her overall world-view). To some degree, that's something you have a handle on before you get too involved
* ...the strength of communication. It's a heck of a lot better when you can both communicate well and you have a culture of open and respectful communication
* ...being friends first, and allowing the other person to be less than some objective ideal of perfection; sometimes we hold our SO's to unrealistic standards
* ...the generation. I think the younger generation might have an easier time with it
* ...whether you both have fun together, can laugh, and not have everything be serious
Overall, though, there's a difference between tolerance and acceptance. It's easier to tolerate than accept, but acceptance feels quite a bit different (and better).
Acceptance begins with the strength of the relationship between you and your wife and ends with her ability to understand and empathize. Ideally you should discuss it early on in the relationship but can be done later if you're willing to work at rebuilding trust after years of hiding it. I just did it the hard way and it's working for us but that may not work for others. Just my two cents!
Relax hun, I'm sure that was only taking an absurd example to underline the thought:)Quote:
Originally Posted by Karren HuttonSome people don't like cheese?? I'm crushed.........Quote:
Originally Posted by AndroRemi
I can't answer the original question, all I can say is if you've got it, cherish it.
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Originally Posted by TxKimberly
Mine does that all the time also, but its typically not because of the dressing. Its usually because I was a total guy. :doh:
I expect some nail scratches for this one girls so please be gentle. I will say up front that I am not saying all of us that have a strained relationship because of our dressing are bad husbands. Please do not take my comments that way. I love all of you. Just making an observation that may hit close to home for some and not apply at all to others.
Many relationships that fail or are strained do not fail solely because of the dressing or even the lack of trust that not having come out to our wives sooner causes. The painful fact of the matter is that hiding this from our wives often causes significant other relational issues because of the issues that we are dealing or failing to deal with. Lets face it girls we are men baby and men often deal with issues like this in detrimental ways. Sometimes I just hate that darn Y chromosome. We have a tendency to fix rather than listen and we try to fix ourselves rather than reaching out to others to help us fix it. How many sisters do you know that self medicate in some way....too much work, too much drinking, too much anything, but not enough family.
In my experience the sisters that I have met that have accepting loving wives have them because they are great husbands and fathers no matter what the gender presentation. When we let our dressing and desires get in the way of that role it is human nature that our spouse will not want to accept the dressing and question their relationship with us.
I think the problem for us CDers is that we often cannot find a balance because we are so wrapped up in our cross dressing, this prevents our partners from being able to appreciate the positive qualities.
Sage wisdom Tanya. We get so excited by being what we want to be that we forget what others need of us. Especially if they show a little acceptance up front.Quote:
Originally Posted by tanyacross
Just wanted to say thanks to everyone- my wife doesn't know and I'm considering that it might be a positive thing to discuss it despite the fact that we have been married for a while and I'm not sure (who can be) how she'll react. This is some of the most mature and thoughtful discussion I've ever come across.
You have to be kidding. Right
I'm divorced twice and both my wives knew I dressed. It bothered both of them and always caused fights. Love is what drove them to the alter but eventually the dressing drove them out. I had 6 children with the first and 2 with the second. Having children doesn't keep you together when one partner wants out.
Koka, first of all, your wife was right, you are totally hot. I don't disagree with the other ladies about being forthright at the beginning, but how many of us told a girlfriend before marrying them only to have them leave the relationship. If you've gotten far enough into a relationship for it to be serious enough to divulge that you are a cross dresser, then you probably don't want to screw it up. That is not to say that you shouldn't tell them, but simply an explanation as to why we often do not.
But what about those women who are told and accept it? First I think that they must be strong women who are confident and not threatened by something like CDing. Secondly, they cannot have had such a strict upbringing that they think that anything except a relationship between a man and woman in the traditional sense is wrong. If they are not open minded in considering that people are different from one another then they won't be accepting.
And lastly, some women simply don't want a man who dresses like a woman. Forget all that stuff about your feminine side because she won't understand it. She is a female who only wants to be a female. How or why would she understand your desire to be a female, or even simply dress like one?
All of you who have found a girlfriend or wife who is accepting of your CDing, consider youself lucky and cherish that woman and treat her like a queen because she has given you a gift that a very small percentage of us ever receive.
If you are lkucky enough to have met the girl who is secure in her relationship, actually loves "you" for whoever you are, is confident in her own person, bleieves in her heart that you are still you regardeless of the covering and that you still show her that she is the centre of your universe and not just circling around your own egocentric ideals, then you may have what the rest of us strive for.
A rare pearl indeed.
Recently my SO and I had a great talk and we both came to an understanding of how far I was willing to go. I'm not sure about all others but Ive noticed a few things. The uncertainty of how far you really want to go inside and when it will come out as well as the accepting SO who will accept you to the point that she is miserable being with you but loves you.
No matter what I want my SO will always accept and love me. Even if it makes her miserable. On the other side I see her unhappy and need to do something about it. So not that she is holding me back from being what I want I'm not saying that at all. I guess the best way to say it is you can find happiness in many places and I'm most happy dressing and making my SO and family happy. We talk about every aspect of each other and it doesn't always come right out or make sense to the other person at first. People don't need time to adjust they need to talk to you and know who you are. At that point they accept it or reject it. Wouldn't it be scary to wake up to your SO and not really know who they are or want to be? It would be for me. Anyways.. blah blah..
I think if you have an accepting SO you must talk a lot and are open and honest with each other. Isn't that the foundation to any successful relationship with cding involved or not? If it isn't it should be. Maybe the cding isnt the issue but relationship skills are.
:2c:
Valerie,
Re: Your statement: "No matter what I want my SO will always accept and love me. Even if it makes her miserable."
No person should want the one they love to sacrifice their happiness for your own. If it makes the other person truly miserable, perhaps it's not a good match. Personally, I'd give it time for her to adjust and if that wasn't happening and satisfactory compromises couldn't be reached, it'd be time to move on for both of your sakes.
Okay, sorry, but to clarify a bit...
Quote:
On the other side I see her unhappy and need to do something about it. So not that she is holding me back from being what I want I'm not saying that at all. I guess the best way to say it is you can find happiness in many places and I'm most happy dressing and making my SO and family happy.
the issue wasnt dressing. It was an issue with hormones and a possible full transition someday. Im more than a crossdresser so sorry for the confusion. She isnt miserable nor would I ever let that happen. She makes me happy. If dressing was the issue I dont think she would have bought me new knee high boots tonight to go with my skirts. Or the 6 pack of low rise panties at target earlier and the few cute tops and a sweater she insisted I get at our local thrift shop. I hope that clarifies a little. Sorry if I confused anyone. I do NOT treat my SO that way.:Peace:
Nope- not at all. Most of the internet is pretty immature and this is not the sort of thing one discusses with neighbors.
It occurs to me that, more than acceptance, it is the understanding level some women have. I had a conversation with my wife and I asked her if she considers herself as a supportive wife. Her response was “more than supportive, I consider myself as an understanding wife” – then I asked if she likes that her husband is a cross dresser, she says, “it is totally indifferent to me, neither makes me happy nor miserable” - Again, she says she understands and if that makes me feel good then she is ok with it. I think in my case, my SO is naturally detached to the paradigms of society. Sometimes I feel afraid of her openness regarding my C-ding. For instance, I told her tonight that I love the feminine feeling, that I love to look and feel like a girl, she looked me in the eyes and smile and she said: “You are a crazy girl!!” – OMG, sometimes I think I am more closed minded than her.
KOKA :love:
Koka! I think it sounds like more than you have a wonderful wife, it sounds like you have a wonderful relationship!:love:
I love to hear good things like that.
I don't know if accepting is the right word for what I feel. I think accepting implies a conscious choice. I don't need to think about it, I love my husband no matter what he's wearing. I am interested in what interests him. (Or her as the case may be.)
KayC- I'm thinking you may have misread Val's comment... She didn't say "No matter what, I want my SO TO always accept and love me. Even if it makes her miserable."
She said "no matter what I want- my SO WILL always love and accept me."
It's like when your kids are sick and you'd rather it was you, I'd rather be sad than have Val upset. (And I know she feels the same for me.) But we always talk things through and it's always resolved. And we are always honest with each other.
I am glad you two appreciate each other Koka.
Koka you are a very very lucky girl, as am I . This week my wife and I are married 39 years and she found out by accident into the 3rd year of our marriage. But to the envy and jealousy and yes the unfortunate chagrin of others my wife has been very loving and supporting and helping assist other wives of CD's in coming to grips with their husbands unusual hobby.Quote:
Originally Posted by Koka
In all our years we have gone out hundreds of time to the mall and plazas shopping ( en femme) , movies, ethic restaurants for dinners, philharmonic concerts, stage shows, visiting others, and more and more etc. Say nothing of the very personal aspect of sexual involvement with my spouse while dressed or her assisting in dressing me. Wow the first few time she did that was mind blowing and then to satisfy her man/girl in all ways showed a loving gesture of a truly remarkable woman. You are lucky like me Koka, and I wish I could wave a magic wand over all those those thousands of miserable sisters who do not have our kind of wives and are adamantly against accepting it that in some cases it causes a marriage breakup.:straightface:
We are blessed girlfriend.:hugs:
Megan
Koka...your wife sounds like a gem...does she have a sister?? :D I really envy you!Quote:
Originally Posted by Koka