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What may help you to cope with the situation is a slightly different way of thinking, you say that you can only cope when you are dressed as JoAnne as you hate your male side so in one sense you are letting the clothes dictate who you are or how you feel.
With a little practice you can keep that feeling whatever clothes you have on , it does not cure it but it can relieve a lot of the anxiety and necessity to dress to get that relief, just learn how to keep the feminine feeling whatever you are wearing and the clothes will become a bonus and not a necessity, and hopefully this in turn may help your wife to cope with the situation .
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Let's look at the costs of coming out - divorce, no job, no friends, no place to live. Every one of us has to face these problems. We have the right to be who we are, and our wives have the right to be married to the person they want. If those two things cannot be resolved then divorce may be the solution. I don't like it either but that is for many of us the reality.
There are plenty of feminine things that can be worn to a job and no one will think twice about it. If you want to keep in stealth on the job you can do it and still bring out your female side. And I see that you are 64 years old. You might want to think about applying for Social Security soon.
If your "friends" reject you after you come out then they really were not the kind of people you want as friends. So make some new ones. The only opinion that counts is really your wife's, and she has already made it known how she feels. A lot of people will have to reject you in public in order to maintain their standing in the Moral Majority but a lot of those same people will respect you for having the courage of your convictions. And some of them are probably going through the same inner conflict as you.
Why would you have no place to live? Your wife can tell you to leave and you can tell her you have no intention of leaving. Unless the house is in her name you have just as much right to live in it as she does. The atmosphere would be pretty nasty, but it would be that way with her no matter where you live. Stand your ground if it comes to that.
Please note that I am not advocating any of these actions. I am just trying to point out that you can take these possible negative outcomes and turn them around to be positive. Think about how you can make this work before you either give up or make a break without a set of clearly defined goals.
We are all hoping that whatever happens is the best possible for you and your loved ones.
