The effects of purging, on a GG...

wow


pattie you have just described my feelings and my life in a way i have never been able to express but i just could not find the words,

julia has purged on many occasions and it is soo hard to deal with the after effects and how it changes your SO so completely

there was an occasion when juila wanted to purge and get rid of all her things but i told her no i said that she did not really want to she was being made to feel like she should and that if she threw all her stuff out i would just bring it back in for her, because julia is a part of who she is and i will never try to change that again. i feel so gulity because at the very beggining i was trying to get her to stop but now i try to encourage her to express her self


But im glad that you can all see that sometimes when you purge, for those of us that are still finding a happy balance, this can be extremely confusing and even harder to comprehend than just expressing who you are

Thank you thankyou for starting this post

Kelly

Best thread I've seen all year. Let me just give it a nudge back on top ;)

I have very much enjoyed reading the responses to this thread. Being a GG, I would never in a million years be happpy if my SO decided to purge. I would never ask him to, but if something arose that made him feel that he needed to I know in my heart that he wouldn't be happy.

When I first met him, I'm not going to say he was a totally different person, but I will say that he seemed a lot more withdrawn and unhappy. Since our relationship has grown, and he has realized just how ok I am with this, he seems to be a lot more happier person. I'm definately not speaking from experience on this, as I am very new to this lifestyle.. but just from what I have learned... honesty = happiness.

If you can't be honest with yourself, you can't be happy. Burning the clothes, giving them away... it's not going to change who you are. You should be proud of who you are... and I definately agree with you Pattie.. it's society that is messed up and wrong... NOT YOU!!!

Thanks pattie for a great thread, it was very nice of you to express your feelings and opions to us all, I used to purge in 'me early days of crossdressing when i could only dress maybe 3 times a year due to circumstances at 'th time. I' am only guessing here but i must 'ave thrown out 'bout anywhere between $ 600-1200 dollars worth of clothing due to purgeing i wish i never had done it. until this i 'ave never been able to totally able to replace everything completely but do have a decnt wardrobe these days with many things still to buy (wig etc). I am happly married now with a supporting gg wife that really helps out a lot and i will never 'ave to purge again what i do now is when i cant dress for a certain period of time is I just put them away in 'th back of 'th closet untill when i can dress again.

your posting was honest and true, that i asked my wife to read it, she said it opened up a whole new way of thinking, lets hope it helps a lot of cd'ers

big hugs :hugs:
joanna

This is priceless, Pattie. I've passed it on to a couple of Tgfs who purged "to make their wives happy" - it never occurred to them - or their wives - what the negative effects on the SO can be.

During the battle in the American Psychiatric Association (1963-1973) over whether to de-list homosexuality as a pathology, the opponents noted the high rate of emotional disorders among lesbians and gays. Somebody finally pointed out that it was because of how society treated them, not because of who/what they were.

I think that the same thing may well apply to us. (Not that there are no gays among "us".)

hugs

Rachel

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Originally Posted by Rachel Ann

I've passed it on to a couple of Tgfs who purged "to make their wives happy"

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That's interesting. Has anyone here purged 'to make their wives happy"?

Fiona xx

My best friend has :(

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Originally Posted by FionaAlexis

That's interesting. Has anyone here purged 'to make their wives happy"?

Fiona xx

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Yes I did :(

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Originally Posted by FionaAlexis

That's interesting. Has anyone here purged 'to make their wives happy"?

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Perhaps I should have said "to avert divorce".

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Originally Posted by hidden

Yes I did :(

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Thank you. Was this as the result of an ultimatum - either you stop this...or I....? Or did you simply feel it was causing her distress?

Presumably you are dressing again - so how did it resolve itself?

Fiona xx

1. They are truly unhappy. (Purging is not something a CD'er really WANTS to do. It is something an outside influence WANTS/INSISTS/MANIPULATES them to do. Who would want to be anything but themselves???) Absolutely true! All my unhappiness comes from my attempt to live life in a way family, friends and society want me to. I'd love to be myself all the time but the repercussions from it are too much for me to handle.

2. They withdraw. (This is not only a dangerous thing to them, but a sure-fire way to kill any relationship.)

3. They become resentful. (Though it may not be your fault, (SO's I mean) it could be because of something you did or said to them, that made them feel rejected. (Not even intentional) It may be because society hammers this nonsense in their heads. Back to, this is not something that they actually want to do. Bad medicine.) Resentfulness and withdrawl for me go hand in hand. I first become resentful because I KNOW there's nothing harmful in crossdressing but this myopic society just refuses to open their eyes. I then withdraw because I feel like a reject from society and therefore am unanted. This creates a downward spiral that can, if not checked, lead to severe depression.

4. They lose/reject/abandon a special part of themselves. (Here is a scenario. You love your flower garden. Everyday you tend to it, care for it, nurture it. Watch it blossom into something you see as beautiful. One day, someone comes along and tells you, you can no longer have it. Not only do they dig it up? They pave right over it. Never again can you have your garden there, where it belonged. Now yes, you could maybe move it somewhere else, but it could never be in that "right" place again.) Well put! If the rest of the world knew what we are forced to give up and the negative effect it has on us as well as on everyone we know, I think they would be encouraging us to live life as we need to.

5. They brewed. (Ok, how fun is THAT??? They are miserable. You are miserable. LIFE is miserable. Oh, JOY!!!)

6. $800.00 worth of clothes are now in the trash heap. (This is a waste of money, cause you know what? They are going to do it again. THIS IS NOT A SICKNESS. They can not be "cured". There isn't anything wrong with them. There IS something wrong with society.) I finally got past this stage after realizing I would be this way for life. But when I look back I miss so many things I threw out and wonder why I succumbed to the self inflicted pressure.

7. They are forced to become secretive. They are who they are. (This is the #2 way, for some #1, you choose, to kill a relationship. Now we are dealing with broken trust. UGH! Is there a way back from this??? IMO? No...) No doubt a BIG problem with any relationship. I was open with my SO since before we married but then the desire seemed to be gone. It took almost two years before it returned but by then my wife thought I was cured. I didn't want to disappoint her by getting reinvolved with Tri-Ess or other CD organizations so I supressed it the best I could. She'd see underwear in the wash but I never talked about fully dressing up. I thought I could keep it under control. When I lost the battle it erupted and I just gave in. My wife couldn't handle the sudden change and sort of short circuited.

8. Now WE, (SO's) are more confused and unhappy. (Who is this sad, depressed, withdrawn, resentful, sometimes angry person. This IS NOT who I started with.) Well, no it is not. You started with a CD'er, whether it is unbeknownst to you, or not, now you have a shell of that person. Life sucks.. It's such a shame this snowball effect hurts not only the crossdresser but his entire family and sometimes friends too. Here sits a defeated man who has lost an important part of himself. He was defeated in battle and he lost something very near and dear to him. He must have time to mourn. But the clothes are only symbolic and soon a new life will emerge. Next time he must be prepared to protect that one better than he did the last.

9. Learning to give them space and time. (NOT always easy, but necessary. This is after all, about who they are. Let them work this out for themselves, be A PART OF IT. Be supportive. Be patient and try along the way, to understand. A long haul? Yes. A lot to ask? Yes. A lot to learn? Definitely. Worth it all? Well, that all depends on what that relationship means to you. Loving your best-friend for the rest of your life?
Priceless...

Beautifully written. Well stated. Thorough and compassionate.

Thanks. I hope this gets well circulated. It's too important to be lost in this forum.

Julie...very well said and I agree. This has got to be THE thread of the year and required reading for all CD's and their spouses or SO's.

Pattie...I have said this to you so many times and I'm gonna keep on saying it till YOU get it love...you have wisdom far beyond your years and an insight and instinct that few can match. On behalf of all of us on this site...I want to thank you once again for everything you do for us and for being the very special person that you are. Your Gem will come back to you again...we both know that to be true....and he will reaffirm to you yet again why he is the most wonderful man in the world that you married. Count on it hon!;) Thanks again for a great thread...and Julie...thanks for your very heartfelt response to it as well.

Pattie,

What a beautiful and moving piece of writing. I have never seen purging described from a GG perspective either, so your contribution is all the more valuable for being unique.

I know I am late chiming in here. Initially I felt I had nothing to add, since I have never dealt with this in my relationship with Angel. But after thinking about it for a while, I remembered a conversation that Angel and I had a couple of years ago.

I told him, "If you ever stopped wearing girls' clothes. I'd think you didn't love me anymore."

That is because I really believe that Angel's love for me, along with his other tender emotions, resides mostly within his femme self. If he were to shut that down, the love might still be there, but it would be locked somewhere deep inside where I could not feel it. So I do understand you Pattie, more than I realized at first. Thanks for reminding me that I need Angel's girl side just as much as she needs me.

I have just read your post Pattie and I can only say it must be the best post I have seen on any forum or article on this subject.

You have described how I felt the times I have purged, however you have gone further, you have given me an insight on the effects on those around me, which I have never considered and I doubt weither many other CD's here have either.

I don't know if this article would have helped me when my first marriage broke up which was over 20 years ago, however it must help any Cder wanting to purge or their SO's who insist they do so. At least it must give them many aspects to consider.

It has taken me over 40 years to come to terms with myself, I know I cannot do without my female side and now as I live alone I can be Katie for most of the time I am at home or at TG Events, but my male side cames out when I am at work or at singles meetings. If by chance I meet a GG that I wish to share my life with, I hope she is has the understanding you have.

Thank you for a wonderful thead

:)

Mind of a Woman, Body of a Man, Life is a Bitch

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Originally Posted by FionaAlexis

Thank you. Was this as the result of an ultimatum - either you stop this...or I....? Or did you simply feel it was causing her distress?

Presumably you are dressing again - so how did it resolve itself?

Fiona xx

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It was the result of an ultimatum and no I'm not dressing again.

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Originally Posted by hidden

It was the result of an ultimatum and no I'm not dressing again.

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Thank you again for your response. I hope everything is working out well for you both. My best wishes. Fiona xx

I have never been asked to quit my CDing by my wife. ---I have never been looked down by her about it. -As soon as I told her about it, she became supportive of me, and Jeanette. ------Her support of me & Jeanette has not waned in over 4 years. ---Tonight, she redid my nails for me, from shimmery pink, to red. She helps me in EVERY way that you can think of. She is very much like you are, except in certain respects. -You have a depth of "feeling" and understanding, for a person in our CD situation. To most CDs, this, I believe this is unknown! You have a grip of the gravity and intensity of us that I wish that ALL girlfriends, wives, etc. - had, of CDs. My wife doe's not have this, but if she does, she never talks to me about it. It seems, that she just ---Totally---accepts me the way I am. ---She is not much of a talker though. ---And, I accept her for "Her"! I guess that some women are just that way. I do not question her about it, not one bit!!! You sound like a "Gem"!!! ----I wish there were more of your kind!

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Originally Posted by Hot Lust walking

I have never been asked to quit my CDing by my wife. ---I have never been looked down by her about it. -As soon as I told her about it, she became supportive of me, and Jeanette. ------Her support of me & Jeanette has not waned in over 4 years. ---Tonight, she redid my nails for me, from shimmery pink, to red. She helps me in EVERY way that you can think of. She is very much like you are, except in certain respects. -You have a depth of "feeling" and understanding, for a person in our CD situation. To most CDs, this, I believe this is unknown! You have a grip of the gravity and intensity of us that I wish that ALL girlfriends, wives, etc. - had, of CDs. My wife doe's not have this, but if she does, she never talks to me about it. It seems, that she just ---Totally---accepts me the way I am. ---She is not much of a talker though. ---And, I accept her for "Her"! I guess that some women are just that way. I do not question her about it, not one bit!!! You sound like a "Gem"!!! ----I wish there were more of your kind!

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Give that wife of yours *HUGE HUGS*! If she is as you say Jeanette, she DOES possess the very same things.
GG's are, just as CD'ers, snowflakes. No two are the same. Just as there are a tremendous amount of CDing levels, there are the same for GG's. We are all our own person. We all have "things" about us that are special and unique. But as far as the TG community goes, I, (my own opinion), love this group of people most of all. The reasons for this? Well, if I were to list them all, this would be by far, the longest post EVER, but for the top few, here goes...

Top Ten Reason I love CD'ers....
10. No matter what kind of mood you are in, a CD'er can ACTUALLY relate and talk about more than just cars and sports.
9. When nothing in your closet looks "just right", there is always another closet to raid. :D
8. They can honestly understand a "bad hair day" or "These shoes are freakin' KILLING me, but aren't they cute?"
7. They agree that shopping REALLY IS therapy.
6. They don't get that "deer in the headlight" look when a GG says, "I am totally PMS'ing today!"
5. They love with all their heart.
4. They are not afraid or ashamed, to cry with you.
3. They are such honest and open people.
2. They make the VERY bestest friends! ;)
And the number one reason I love CD'ers?
My Gem

Thanks for like the millionth time, all of you, for being well, just you.

All I can say here is. well, WOW!

I have been pretty silent here for awhile. Most of it is due to a new job that has me working 6 days a week.

The other part has been me trying to understand why things happen.

I will not go into it as deeply as Patti has but I will say that I have missed Rachel Lynn a great deal the last few months.

I know she has purged in the past and has always come back to dressing . I know it makes her very happy and content. It also scares her with all the "what ifs"

I have been accepting form the beginning and at times I am really confused. There are many facets to a CD'er that I would never have known about had I not come here and found all of you.

You have truly shown me what it is like for her and I applaud all of you that take the time to help another in need.

As usual, Patti has gone alll out and shared what I think alot of us would have had we the gift of writing that she does.

Thank you Patti for sharing yourself with us and thank you to everyone that responded with sincere thought.

Once again, I learned something here that will help me to be the Wife I want to be to the best person I have EVER known.

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Originally Posted by emmicd

Pattie,

You are so special in how you can understand and be so sympathetic to the cross dresser who has experienced purging. It is with a heavy heart that I purged in the past. I thought that by saying good bye to my beautiful feminine clothing I would also put a stop to the very secret desire to dress.

Very important times in my life caused me to purge. When I was visiting my mom in the hospital when she was very ill I was going through a difficult time and I was mixed up so I decided to purge because I did not want to break my mothers heart if she found out. She was fragile due to her illness.

I really was hoping she would recover. I gave all my clothing to good will and I felt like I was starting anew. I went to visit my mom everyday at the hospital with my dad. We knew she was sick and concerned. Well she gave up her will to live and did die within a few months. She died 4 months shy of her 51st birthday. I was so devestated because I lost my mother who was very special to me and felt sad that she never got to see me marry and raise my own family.

Needless to say, after going to her wake and funeral I had to get away so I took a vacation with my dad and we became closer.

I started to gravitate back to crossdressing within a few months of my mother's death It was my security blanket. I needed it back.

I also started going to a psychologist and found myself focusing on my work and trying to meet girls.

When I met the right girl and was preparing to get married I purged again giving most of my new wardrobe to goodwill again but did keep a few dresses in case I needed to secretly dress. I felt that getting married would help me give it up entirely. Getting married was the happiest time in my life and I was so lucky. Within a year we were having a baby! I was on cloud nine. When my wife was about to have the baby I made sure I purged the remainder of my wardrobe. I was so excited. When we had the baby it was the best time in our life. I did not need to dress and I felt so proud being a dad. I couldn't get enough of holding our baby.

After a few years of being completly absorbed in my new life with being married, having a child and a place of our own Life was great. There was no time to crossdress. I didn't even need to.

As my work became more stressful it seemed I needed an outlet and once again I came back to crossdressing or should I say it came back to me!

I'm happily married, we have a wonderful child, I am still close with my dad and my sisters and we have a place of our own. Yet I still have this need to crossdress.

So I've come to the conclusion that purging is not the answer. It only makes you want it more once that desire comes back.

So thank you Patti for your view and your understanding!

I am a hardworking person, I am a loving husband and I am a very proud father!

I am also a closet crossdresser who doesn't need to purge anymore and I am OK!

Emmi

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Wow, Emmi and Patti...thank you for your insight! I know so much of what you are saying Emmi...gosh we are like twins....I have never actually purged though. I stored them in the attic away from my abilities to get them easily...but essentially stopped for a while. My dear wife does know and I am so truly fortunate to have her as she accepts me as Eva... :)

Thank you for this posting thread.

I have been dressing for on and off the last 25 years and I often dream of that sexy little outfit that I got rid of, or that night gown that was given to me and later disposed of....

I have been married for 22 years, my wife is tolerant but not encouraging.... so I would often try to supress and to change but to no avail.

It would of been so much easier to not have this conflict but think of the pretty things I have had as a result.

I am who I am and Darn proud of it.......

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Originally Posted by TrueGemini'sWife

Give that wife of yours *HUGE HUGS*! If she is as you say Jeanette, she DOES possess the very same things.
GG's are, just as CD'ers, snowflakes. No two are the same. Just as there are a tremendous amount of CDing levels, there are the same for GG's. We are all our own person. We all have "things" about us that are special and unique. But as far as the TG community goes, I, (my own opinion), love this group of people most of all. The reasons for this? Well, if I were to list them all, this would be by far, the longest post EVER, but for the top few, here goes...

Top Ten Reason I love CD'ers....
10. No matter what kind of mood you are in, a CD'er can ACTUALLY relate and talk about more than just cars and sports.
9. When nothing in your closet looks "just right", there is always another closet to raid. :D
8. They can honestly understand a "bad hair day" or "These shoes are freakin' KILLING me, but aren't they cute?"
7. They agree that shopping REALLY IS therapy.
6. They don't get that "deer in the headlight" look when a GG says, "I am totally PMS'ing today!"
5. They love with all their heart.
4. They are not afraid or ashamed, to cry with you.
3. They are such honest and open people.
2. They make the VERY bestest friends! ;)
And the number one reason I love CD'ers?
My Gem

Thanks for like the millionth time, all of you, for being well, just you.

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I just now saw and read your reply to my post, and I let my wife read your reply. -------She is HAPPY! :) ----You have, " MADE HER DAY!" -----Thank you!

Pattie,

You are a good wife for trying to understand. That says alot about you. Give it some time. I wish all wifes were as understanding as you.