Emasculated (Very Long)

Hi Karen,
It's not that I think I'm two different people. That's just the only way I could think of to articulate the difference between drab and enfemme.

When women felt men were too domininate they created the womens movement and stood up for equal rights. Not all women agree with that and prefer things as they were before. Where do you stand. You need to decide if you want to be a June Cleaver and accept your destiny or a Hillary Clinton and carve your own future or some where in between. Decide for yourself; no one can decide for you.

Seems more to be a problem of doing anything manly, when dressed feminine.

Note, however, that these "manly" acts are not relegated only for men. Women can fix cars, argue, make decisions, etc. etc.

It appears you need to change your mindset regarding what men do as compared to women. How to do that is the question.

Might want to start with consulting a therapist. I doubt anyone here is qualified to help. For example, I'd just say do what needs doing, period. But that probably wouldn't help, and is probably something you've already thought of.

Rhonda, you might consider seeing a therapist to help you integrate both your female and male personas?

:hugs:

Edit I have another resource, but only if it fits. Have a look (specifically at the patterns, under the main definition):

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency

If you think it applies, there are many books in self-help sections that address the issue effectively. Also, there is CODA (Codependents Anonymous), for people who believe their codependent patterns are excessive, to the point where their lives are negatively impacted.

I would guess that in this kind of situation you are going to have to learn to tear down that wall seperating the "people" in you head. If you enjoy dressing as much as it seems, then this is not just "dress up time for fun". You are TG of some variety and should try to learn how to function as Rhonda in society. It's much easier to suggest this, much harder to set your mind in motion to change how it thinks about Rhonda time. Try to do it a little at a time, maybe not an argument, but something equal utilitarian and not fun.

"We disagree on so much. Money, family, places to live..."


My ex and I were totally happy until we married and started living together. Then we found out "we disagreed on so much." We went to couples therapy and learned fair fighting 101, and it cooled the room temperature a lot. But it didn't change the fundamental fact that "we disagreed on so much." We both are now much happier apart.

Whether or not you are in womens dress is not the issue. Arguing is one of the easiest things that you can do to get your point across. Is there some kind of psychological need for you to be in women's attire while going out to do things with this woman? I mean, you make it sound pretty easy, to just not wear womens clothing before an outing with her, in order to "gain the upper hand" during one of your spats.

My solution? Both of you should take a break from each other for a little while. If her constant support is met by the back of her hand (figuratively), then more likely than not, that support is generally not worth it. She seems to be an intelligent person, so she obviously knows that when she does this, it makes you feel awful, and she gets something out of your misery.
You should take a break, and spend a few weeks remembering what made crossdressing so special to you in the first place. See where that takes you.

I can't see anywhere in Rhonda's posts where she even comes close to suggesting that her gf is giving her a figurative backhander. She says that there are things on which she and her gf disagree, so it is normal for the gf to want to discuss those things when they are together rather than trying to discuss them with Rhonda when she is not there.

In more than one post, Rhonda has pointed out that these discussions are not about her gf wanting to gain the upper hand. She also pointed out that the problem was insider her (Rhonda's) head. So I feel that the criticism of her gf is both unfair and unwarranted.

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Rhonda,you say you feel mentally unequipped to argue when you are presenting en femme, have you mentioned that to your gf outside of one of these heated discussions? It might be useful to sit down with her and tell her how you feel, but do it at a time when you are not discussing something about which you disagree. From what you have written your gf is merely discussing the subject and accepts you fully as Rhonda while she is doing that. Talking through your feelings with her in a non-confrontational manner might help you to be able to express yourself better when one of these subjects comes up again. It will certainly help her to understand you better.

Don't know if what I have written will make any sense to you or not, but I hope it does.

Just ran across this and couldn't resist chiming in. If I were to dress as often as you are able to; I think I'd be (and I hope it's not a slur) a bit of dyke that is a very "male" woman. Male in interests and actions, female in thoughts, culture and attitudes. Both of my sisters are this was, as is my mom ( a real "dyke" ). Perhaps it is the woman in you who is maturing; recognizing her place in the real world. We've all spent so much time in some sense pretending to be male or pushing aside our female tendencies that it's uncomfortable when we have to meld the to as we of course do in real life. We're not two separate individuals but have to reconcile our various tendencies. Maybe your female side is incorporating your male side and meeting your male persona half way.

Fixing the hose on your car is an example- not something that's done in a dress normally but part of you and a lot of women these days would be better off if they cut pull it off. So to me it's a ability to celebrate- a special skill- you should examine to see if you're uncomfortable with it per se or just because it's your notion of feminity coming to face with reality. Maturing as real woman.

The arguments, well lots of couples struggle with the movement from romantic to sustainable love. Having one without sacrificing the other is tough for all relationships. Do you love her or the freedom you have with her? What do you think she feels about you? It could be a deep incompatibility, it could just be growing pains.