Q for married cder's who's wives are accepting of some behavior, BUT...

I've been married for almost 40 years, I told her about, my other side, around 35 years ago, she as always been very accepting, but as far as the bedroom goes, we tried once or twice, she just was not comfortable making love with the images of a women, I doubt I could have been to good if she had worn a Beard, so I have to accept that as part of life. At home I'm in the closet, no desire to go out into the world, and most of the time, I wear what I want, so skipping the night gown from time to time is no big deal. Oh, and I consider myself to be is a very happy marriage, and so does she.
Tina B.

In answer to your initial question, yes, I am happy and so is my wife. I came out to her 2 weeks ago and things are better than ever. I think you also are asking about being intimate with your husband while he is dressed. YOUR comfort level is all that matters here. In my case, my wife has no interest in being in bed with my female half. I have assured her it will never happen. It's not who she is. If this is the "support" you feel your husband is not getting, Well, He is the one who is not supporting you.

I'm so lucky to have a wife who competely accepts me and loves being my girlfriend when dresssed, and in my usual androgyne mode day to day. While she will help me with hair, makeup, advice, and enjoys being with me on femme' I totally respect her desire to have her husband in bed. Like many have said, it's completely unreasonable to push her to have intimacy when fully dressed. I love it when she wears pretty lingerie and understand that I would not like it if she cut her hair, wore mens' clothes to bed, and acted rough. No Way will I push her, I just adore this woman !
If things evolve naturally to the point of us being functional lesbians I would love it, but can't imagine not loving her totally the way she is just as she loves her Gender-Queer partner as ze is.

I know my wife and I are outliers, but her acceptance of me extends to intimacy. In part this works, because I came out to her before we were engaged, and we were both very honest with each other about what worked for us, sexually speaking. Neither of us to be confined to a narrowly defined gender role. Another reason I think it works is that I'm the same person whether dressed or not. I don't have two personas.

See, to me saying 'Oh, my wife accepts but doesn't want to be around it', is not accepting. Tolerant perhaps, but accepting? no. But if it works for you that's great.
I may tolerate my wifes smoking, but I don't accept it so I make her go outside to smoke.

I guess I got lucky as my wife was in sort of a bi-curious stage when we met, so I got to be her guy *and* her girl. We even had a date night for it. After the 'date', Wendi would 'go home' and her guy would be back, sometimes she'd even tell me about the date as if I wasn't the one there. After a while of that, she started wanting me to stay a while. I think the longest time I stayed was 3 days!
(PS, the skin under breast forms gets a bit ripe after 3 days of being sealed up!)

This is part of who I am, saying you don't want to be around that is saying you don't want to be around me. Time to adjust because you just sprung this news, understandable, but "that's fine, when you're dressed you stay upstairs I'll stay downstairs" no thanks.

I said all that to say this, and it's not directed at anyone in particular. You need to look real hard at what your needs are. If being intimate while dressed is a need, that need doesn't go away just because your spouse doesn't like it. At some point you will start to resent that your spouse refuses to meet your needs. You have the right to have your needs met in a relationship, just as much as your partner has a right to have their needs met.

While you will never be everything to your partner, you need to find out what the essential items are. If you can't meet your partners needs, your partner will get them from someone else. There's not anything inherently wrong with that, you can't be all things to someone, it's unrealistic to think you can. The fairy tale idea that you all you need is each other is BS

I re-read the OP a couple of times, and couldn't find where the husband asked (demanded, insisted) that you be intimate while he was en femme.
He's lucky to have such an understanding wife. My wife is tolerant, even indifferent, of my cd-ing, and I don't have to keep my dressiing sessions out of her sight. But taking it to the bed has never even been up for discussion. Is this a real need he has?
Some women don't mind if their husbands dress up, but they want a man in bed. If that's asking to much, there might be a problem.

It didn't matter what was being worn....it all came off later. So if you define intimacy as sexual relations, it was a non-issue. If you define intimacy as being closer together, yes dressing brought that out. So there was an advantage to her when I was in "girl mode" to the point where she had actually told me "Go put on a skirt".

I think what seems to be the issue here is that in many people's minds when someone dresses they become someone else. Maybe in the fantasy world they do but the main core is still there. Do women fear that the partner when dressed will try and change to a more passive or aggressive role? Just because of a piece of clothing? That would be a fetish and could be associated with anything. I have trouble seeing my SO/spouse as anything but my SO/spouse no matter what color hair, clothes, lipstick, whatever. I do understand that years of being taught that A is A and B is B is hard to overcome. But they are the same person no matter what they wear. Things like this can add spice to a relationship if you want it to. Relax, enjoy the ride. You love the spirit not the container right?

I would start out by saying that the rest of your lives together sounds pretty great. Which also sounds like the relationship I share with my wife. She is tolerate of my dressing and does not want to be a part of it so we made an agreement of what was allowable and we have stuck to it. I do not think there is a marriage with 100% compatibility, I think most are lucky at over 75%. So if you have everything else going for you but crossdressing (or what goes on behind closed doors) then you have a lot to keep you together.

Mercedes XOXOXO

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Originally Posted by GG Kathy

I think I must be the exception to the rule. I love making love to my SO when she's dressed. I find it highly erotic. I feel I have the best of both worlds, but then I thought I had the best when there was only one.

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Do you have a sister:D:devil:

My wife is supportive of my dressing and we shop together and she helps with my makeup. She says she looks upon me as the big sister she never had, but then she also smiles and says she is not into incest, so the clothes come off when it is time for sex. She sometimes will tell me to leave on the stockings and garter belt. She says she likes felling my stocking covered legs against hers. So I am lucky in that department.

I'm going to agree with Jessica on this one. You two have a caring and nurturing relationship in all areas but this one, He needs to give a little. Sorry. He has the option of logging in and chatting with any of us at any time. fantasy or not, To bring it up after knowing how you feel about it is purely selfish. Perhaps in Time, you'll change your mind. But that's for You to decide when, Not him.....

It is difficult every step of the way. My wife knows, and luckily, we still maintain a kinky and intimate relationship with it. She has been awesome, and as a result, I try to be awesome at everything else in our real lives. She is the only person who knows about me, because my desires do not exactly include public. Mine are deeper, kinkier, sexual, and at home. (which really requires a high level of understanding)

It is a struggle, and it will always be a struggle. You should know that going forward. Even if they know and accept, they still question a lot of it, and still lack the understanding of the hows and whys. Mine is terrified that she will wake up one morning and I will be gay, or want to be a woman permanently. (which neither are the case)

The OP sounds very like my wife in many ways. We are very happy together and she is OK about my CDing in as much as she knows and understands but doesn't want to get involved or see me dressed that way. This suits me quite well as I feel a bit daft dressed up anyway as I know what I am 'seeing' in my head doesn't match reality. In my mind I'm a sexy young thing. In reality I'm a hairy bloke in panties so not really very alluring! I'm sure they're are women out there that would let me shave all over and really got for it but would everything else in the relationship be as good as it is now? It's all about balance. I'm qute happy to put up with things the way they are on the CD front given that in most other areas, we agree and get on well.

If you feel the lack of intimancy is a problem which needs to be addressed then you have to look within yourself for the answer. There is nothing your husband can do except be patient with you. If you treat this as aversion therepy then the answer is to take small incremental steps towards acceptance. Basically just spend lots of time with him dressed until you are completely comfortable seeing him this way then sit together, hold hands together etc. It is really about you recognising your husband irregardless of what clothes he is wearing. If he normally wears make-up and a wig then ask him to take these off so you can see him more clearly.

I would like to address the reality of attempting sex with someone dressed in a wig, dress, high heels and makeup.
Now as GGs we would not expect to begin intimacy dressed like that. We also learn how to take off our outer garments stylishly. Getting wrapped up with a cder who can't slip his shoes off nor take off a dress without it being a production number may be funny, if you want to start laughing at this stage.
Then there's what's underneath. Now mine is in to vintage corsetry. I've seen more attractive trussed turkeys at Christmas! So there is no flesh for me to touch.
At this point it becomes obvious that |I am very secondary to proceedings. All he wants me to do is touch the corsetry. which is from his chin to his knees. Nothing is accessible. If it gets any further I risk chafing from the rough broche fabric and boning.
Now I have tried to see what could possibly be erotic/fun/stimulating/pleasurable for either of us out of this. Why doesn't the stuff come off? Presumably because it is so tight and several layers,it wouldn't be easy.
The average objection to intimacy with your cding partner is smell (from the cosmetics. We use less and wouldn't wear them in the bedroom.), the fact that many look funny ( as in amusing rather than peculiar) and the sheer impracticality of wigs, breastformsand/or heavy corsetry. Even though this is your partner the spectre of lesbianism hangs in there somewhere while you try to work out what on earth is going through somebody's mind: I am ignored as a partner who might like to wear something entrancing to bed.
So this isn't just wil she/won't she? What, exactly, is on offer to your partner, bearing in mind that intimacy should be a shared expression.
I sympathise with amazonian.

Great post hun... Lots of insight here from all levels of experience... thanks for starting it. Hugs.