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Join the club sister. This happens to me all the time and has for over 50 years. Love it one month then go thru months of detesting and disgust where I am embarrased and ashamed... then it all come sback and I want to lokk beautiful again and go out in public like I do all the time. ( I pass very well) Its cycular with me by months or seasons and you'll find many here do the same. but DO NOT PURGE ,you'll kick yourself later over the investment of money you just threw away.
Megan
Hi, Amy! I'll try to address some of your issues in a more or less coherent fashion.
(1) Like you, I grew up in a conservative church. I lost the faith when I was about 15, left the church when I left home and have never been back. So I'm not going to try and mislead you by trying to make you think I'm a religious person. I'm the very opposite of that. But I would say to you, that if your church condemns and despises you for what you are, perhaps you should consider finding another church that will accept you. I know about emotional attachment to a church. And I know how hard it is to leave a church if you're convinced they have the truth. But being a member of a church like that can't be good for your psychological health. If you were in a relationship where you were constantly being made to feel like dirt, probably a lot of people would say it might be better for you to get out of it. So this may be something for you to consider long-term. No need to make a snap decision. You have said that you believe that God will love you as long as you keep his commandments and try to be like him. Is the Mormon church the only place you can do that?
(2) Probably the main reason I've stayed away from religion is that there are contradictions there that I simply cannot resolve. E.g., I was taught that God was omnipotent. God can do anything. Therefore, if God hadn't wanted me to be TG, he could have prevented it. He didn't prevent it. Therefore he's cool with it. And yet a religion says (as mine said) that he condemns me and sees me as an abomination? Then I conclude that (1) God isn't omnipotent; (2) the religion is wrong; or (3) that God is one evil demon that there's simply no dealing with. I decided to stop wrestling with the problem altogether. But if you want to stay with your faith, then you have to resolve this. I would say this: if God is anything like what churches that believe in Jesus say he is, he loves you as you are. If he didn't want you to be as you are, he could have made you different. He made you as you are because he's cool with it. God is way above us, Amy, and sometimes people (even a man like Joseph Smith) get it wrong. If you have faith in God, have faith in God and not a man (even a man like Joseph Smith).
(3) Why do we have to feel guilty, ashamed, etc., about being TG? That's the big one, the one we all face, the one I tore myself up over for a half a century. You have to find your own road to self-acceptance. This is where I am today: Why should I be ashamed about not being a man? I'm not a man, not a woman. I'm TG. And what's wrong with being TG? Why does every last blessed soul on this planet have to be male or female? There is another option, and that was the one I was given. Given--I didn't choose it. But since it's mine, why not go with it? It certainly doesn't make me happy to go against it. I tried for a long time and it didn't work. Will people say I'm supposed to be a man? I'm not supposed to be a man because I'm not in fact a man. I'm TG, and that's what I'm supposed to be. So be the best TG that you can be. And if someone says, "Look! Everybody's either a man or a woman," I say, "Yes, well, I went to some very good schools when I was young. They taught me to count past two."
(4) We sound a lot alike, Amy. I'm very sensitive, too, and losing sleep because I think somebody is mad at me is the sort of thing I'd do. One thing I heard a long time ago that has always helped me: Other people don't think about you as much as you do. E.g., suppose you say something to somebody and they get a bit teed off. Being the sensitive type, you worry about it the rest of the day and on into the night. But the other person may well have forgotten about it. That little incident was only one thing out of probably hundreds that they experienced during the day, and perhaps a very minor one. So they move on. They leave it with you and you agonize over it.
If you're really worried about, just apologize. Are you like me? Do you find it hard to apologize? The more practice you get, the easier it becomes. And you know who's good to practice on? Your sons. Because as a single parent you will screw up from time to time. (Been there, done that. As a single parent I screwed up lots of times.) And when you do it might well hurt your kids because they're as human as anybody else. There's no law against apologizing to your kids, even if they are only 6 or 8. So just say, "Sorry, guys, I messed up on that one. I'll try to do better next time." And you know what? Your kids will love you for that. They're always willing to forgive their dear, old dad. Because by apologizing to them, you're treating them like fully-fledged human beings, and that makes them feel very good about themselves and very warm towards you. So learn to apologize to your kids (because we single parents know good and well we do owe them an apology from time to time), and once you find it easy to apologize to them, you'll find it easier to apologize to others. And you won't lose so much sleep.
(5) Finally, if one of your posts sounds like whining from time to time, don't worry about it. I've been to the whimpering stage. Whining sounds almost heroic by comparison.
Best of luck, Amy. Hang in there. Annabelle
You'll find many people become disenfranchised with their church and/or religion for various reasons. However, they don't loose their faith in the Almighty. And that is all that matters, if you are a believer.
The only real way to make your feelings work in concert is to accept ALL of them and amalgamate them. Once that is accomplished you control the reins and can make it a total choice rather than have it remain an overriding compulsion. That is the ONLY way I have found to beat this and make it work for me.:)
R-E-L-A-X! Wow! I thought I was having a nervous breakdown just reading your post! I think I can speak for many of us when I say that what you are going through is NOT unique. Many of us go through the "pink fog" only to be hammered with the overwhelming guilt. Three things to remember.....
1) Crossdressing hurts no-one, including your kids.
2) You've been a crossdresser all your life, why fall apart over it now? You are the same person you were 20 years ago.
3) Crossdressing does NOT make you either a bad person OR insane. So relax, much of the trouble you feel is probably from being a single parent which is tough enough. Most of us parents with little ones are edgy anyhow.
Your crossdressing is unlikely to go away, so make peace with it and you will be much happier with your life!
It's not necessary to buy one if you check yourself in. They'll provide you with one.:heehee:Quote:
Originally Posted by Rob1329