My wife knows

At first my fiancee was very understanding but slowly the anger filtered its way through. We got round most of our problems by reading a couple of books. One is called My husband Betty and the other My husband wears my clothes. I can't remember the authors and I can't get to the books at the moment. I can find out if you let me know.
I dont expect for one second that you could persuade your wife to read them but they explain how the wife feels in these situations. For instance their own femininity but questioned, something we have done for most of our lives but something your wife may have accepted without thought and therefore she now feels threatened. I found that understanding your partners feelings as opposed to making second guesses has really helped the pair of us. And please don't think I am suggesting you don't take your partners feeling into account as I am sure you do.

I wish you and your wife the best of luck as I am sure if she got to know you Marla, she would love what she sees!

Marla,

In as much as your wife is responding in a negative way, she is at least engaging in a dialog of sorts. Given enough time and communication, assuming that she has a deep love for you, she may well come around. You present yourself in a warm, sensitive, caring, appropriate feminine fashion. As they say, time heals all and you are already farther down the track than many of us. To me it would seem a blessing and a great opportunity that she knows and is willing to discuss the matter even if she does not yet accept or understand.

Keep the conversation going, show her love and patience, be an open book, show her this is not a threat, rather it is a gift. Help her understand that this is a big part of what she fell in love with (even if she does not yet recognize that).

I will cross all my fingers and toes and hope that this works out for you.

Good Luck,

Mel

The books are by Peggy Ed.D Rudd, and they are very good reading. I have lent them to several women who really found them useful.

Julia

Marla the girls have said every thing that has crossed my mind. bless your heart,I know how you feel, it's the deer in the head lights, and then you cuss your self for being so careless! but it has given you reason to talk agin maybe this will be the time that she will want to learn more about Marla, your in my thought and prayers.
xoxoxJennifer

Quote:

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Originally Posted by TGMarla

that white dress....well....that's what she was wearing the night I proposed to her about 12 years ago. She discarded it for some reason, and I rescued it for myself. Too pretty to let it go, and it has sentimental value to me. But if she saw me in it....well, I just don't know.

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Hi Marla,

I feel for you sweetie :( Is there any remote chance that perhaps maybe she might be able to understand that the sentimental value that you have towards that white dress is because of her, and that if you put your body where hers once was it somehow makes you feel closer to her? i.e you're trying to emulate the woman that you love?

I know this might sound crazy to your wife but I am am doing my best try to help. The idea of wearing each other's clothes to feel closer to one another is something that Marla and I like to think is true.

good luck

Marla

As others have said at least she is talking about it. For sure this is churning her up inside even if she is pretending to be calm about it. I think it is important that you take this opportunity to keep the doors open and tell her openly that this issue must be talked about over and over again so that she can reach an understanding and not let this become an open sore and ruin your relationship. Tell her how much you need and appreciate her to be open about this.

I believe that when someone refuses to let go of their prejudices it is because their prejudices are being sustained by fear - fear of the unknown, fear of homosexuality, fear of GRS, fear of public ridicule, fear of employment, fear of her own femininity etc. While you are busy answering all her questions as best as you can this is often not enough. Simply giving her information will not necessarily conquer her deep rooted fears.

She needs to confront her fears and intollerence herself. This can be done through counciling or by reading good books, however if she refuses these options then you will need to do it yourself. You need to ask her fundamental questions that will make her analyse her beliefs. Ask her questions like why is it ok for women to wear masculine clothes and not the other way around? Why is it wrong for a man to feel pretty? Dont push her for an immediate answer but ask her to think about it for a day or two and give her answer later. If you can undermine the structures which uphold her prejudices then it will dawn on her that her fears are ill-founded and she will gradually change her perceptions.

But this is a slow process so it will take a lot of patience and love on your part. You have to keep talking though, sweeping the issue under the carpet is not an option for either of you! Good luck.

My wife found out a few year ago and I didn't know what to do. I was speaking to a friend of mine who ran a dressing service and she told me to give my wife time and not to force the issue now she knew. I followed her advice and slowly overtime she care round. She also went throught the "all crossdresser are gay" bit.

Slowly she started buying Sarahjane the odd thing, then she helped buy underwear and eventually asked to meet her. Some times at Christmas there is are items under the tree for Sarahjane. She has her ups and downs getting generally she is very supportive.

Some Crossdressers once their wifes find out seem to think its time to go into freefall and try to found the feem them down their wife's throat all they do is crush a once supporting wife.

Please don't feel I am trying to preach but just give your wife time and best of luck

luv

Sarahjane

Marla,
It is unfortunate that this time at the rodeo started more as 'getting caught' and confrontation rather than something you, or her, initiated. However, the way to described things, it does sound as if it was more a conversation and dialogue than argument (perhaps I'm misinterpreting things).
People are going to react the way they are going to react; it sounds as if you are being respectful of her reactions. That is important.
My ex "found out" two or three times. Then things would get swept under the rug and back into the closet, only to resurface years later, when it seemed she had forgotten all about the last time she "found out". (Caveat here is that my therapist thought my ex had little reality-contact). Perhaps you are at the point now that you may see some longer-term benefit of not letting things return to how they were without some more clarity, more resolution, that can only come about through honest dialog and open communication. If your wife isn't ready for that, it will be unfortunate. I think it is important that you can look in the mirror and know that you did the best you know how.
My thoughts will be with you.

Marla, I can't add much to what has already been said. You, of course, have my fullest support and best wishes. If you would allow me one thought, a person who is confident will generally cause those aound them to be confide nt in what they see and hear. Be ready to answer her questions. Go over what you would anticipate she would ask and have the answers prepared in advance. This may even be a good time for you to clarify some of the "whys" in your own mind. If nothing else, it will give you a fresh vision of yourself. You and your wife are in my prayers.

Marla,
I've read your post a few times now since you've posted it, and have refrained from answering because I really haven't anything different to add to what's already been said so well by the other members.

One thought I have is that you need to understand that your wife (probably) feels your marriage is threatened by your crossdressing. That is why the number one question is always "are you gay." This is obviously why she has made her comments on you seeming to like at men in dresses.

SO's often look, not only at the immediate fact that we enjoy wearing feminine clothing, but at where this behavior may lead. They (sometimes) think that if they allow us to fully embrace this desire, that it will inevitably lead to a desire to dress full-time or to wish to experience, in more intimate ways, other means of expressing our femininity.

I have read just about everything you have written in this forum, and I have also had the pleasure of briefly chatting with you, and I believe that your communication skills and sensitivity to other's feelings and opinions will be most valuable in getting your wife to understand your desires and appreciate the limits of your own needs.

The key is to keep communicating with her. Don't bludgeon her with it, but you should regularly attempt to speak with her about your crossdressing. Try to get her to admit her fears about it and any preconceived prejudices she may have about men who wear female clothing. Tell your wife that no matter what stories she has seen in the past concerning crossdressing, that you are not exactly like any of those people she has read about or seen on television. You are still you, no matter if she ever sees you in finery or not. All her accepting you will do is to make your marriage a more open and honest one.

Good luck to you, Marla, and I hope everything goes well. I have faith in both you and your wife that it will.

Dear Marla,

As your wife knows now::) do'nt hide and do'nt provoke. Only step by step the both of you will come closer to eachother on this subject. The discussion you discribed forces you in defence, and as we all know defence is'nt open. I know the feeling of that knot inside, it hearts. Women of cd often have that fear that they come secondplace or eaven have lost their man. We all know that is'nt so. We prefer next to our roll as loving spous also to be one of her best girlfriends. On that level your in heaven, I hope you to can reach so far toghetter.

Love,
Lotte L

Marla, you have my hope and prayers for a good outcome. You have at least started to talk which is more than I can say for me. I can only hope that you can get some resolution to your dilemma. I'll be thinking of you and hoping that it gets better. Good luck!:)

Marla, Hope things are well with you and your wife today.

Jodi said that your inthe same boat or lake, yes I think that alot of us are and the lake is getting crowded.

Wow. What a response! I never expected so many thoughts from all of you on this, and I cannot adequately express how much I appreciate it. So, where to begin this time? Hmmm........

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Angel Darling

Is there any remote chance that perhaps maybe she might be able to understand that the sentimental value that you have towards that white dress is because of her, and that if you put your body where hers once was it somehow makes you feel closer to her? i.e you're trying to emulate the woman that you love?

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Well, I'd never conciously thought of it that way, but I think that you have something there. I knew there was a reason I like that dress so much more than just because it's pretty. And I think, should it ever come to that point, that she'd actually like that response. In fact, thinking about that dress in that way makes me feel good about it. Thanks.

As for the usual books, My Husband Betty and My Husband Wears My Clothes, certainly they would be appropriate here. But I actually have never read them myself. I should do so, and I cannot expect her to read them with an open mind at this time, especially if I have not done so myself. It's an idea that will remain active, but on the shelf for the moment.

Many of you have stressed the need to keep the lines of communication open without ramming Marla down her throat. I agree completely, especially since we are now on day 2 after "The Talk, Part II" with no further communication on this topic. It's on its way back under the rug, unless I intervene with it. I have counselled others to write down their thoughts to better organize them without saying anything you will regret later. So I'm going to take my own advice. I'm going to address all her questions and fears in writing. This will also give her a reference to go back to if any of these fears resurface.

I have to mention that our marriage has not always been this bed of roses. We have had our struggles, especially over her son. He was quite a handful. I was shut out of any decision making over him very early on in our marriage. That alone caused problems. She raised him as a very good mother, but a very poor single parent. She did not place any boundaries on him, or provide any discipline for him. The result was tragic. He gravitated towards hard-core rap music, and the lifestyle it glorifies. He attacked me on three occasions over really insignificant stuff. He simply was no match for me, and I subdued him each time without hurting him. He was angry and bitter towards life and the world he lived in. He ended his own life two years ago with a gunshot to his head, shattered over the rejection of a girl, his head full of conspiracy theories that people were out to get him, fostered no doubt, by the awful stuff he listened to all the time. She has been a broken shell of herself ever since. The enormous grief she has been left with is indescribable. The last thing she needs to deal with on top of all this is a crossdressing husband who feels a little stifled in his little closet.

So the "deep love" thing might not be there, or at least not strong enough to sustain us through this should I press the issue. Maybe that's not a bad thing, though, as we have come close to divorce a few times before. I love her very much, but then, I feel love for many people who are not my wife. I think I will get counselling, too. You are all very wonderful and supportive, but someone professional may be of help here. Obviously there are a lot of issues to confront.

Please keep up with any more input you may have. I read them all, and I appreciate you all. If I do not respond directly to you, please take no offense. I am reading your posts, and I thank you for your input. I will also continue to respond on this forum as I have before. I'm in the soup right now, but I'm not going away.

WOW, Marla, thank you for sharing something so personal I am truly saddened to hear your story. After reading your last post, it is obvious there is much more at play here. I really believe counselling would help here and is indeed necessary. You and her have many issues to overcome and a professional would be extremely useful in helping here.

It sounds like she is still dealing with some real grief and has strong opinions of what she expects and thinks is normal. Perhaps now is not the time to push the dressing issue. If you really feel it is time, then you need to determine how important your marriage is comapred to your need to express your true self. only you know this answer but counselling would help in sorting through the many feelings you are likey going through.

I went to counselling as my marriage failed, she went as well. It made me feel better and cleared my head.

I sound like a wonderful, caring person. Please take care of yourself. My thoughts are with you.

julia

Marla, congradulations, sounds like this discusion was overdo. I got similar questions when I told my wife, but we worked it all out. You have been patient with her and I commend you for that. You love her and she loves you, and with that I'm sure you can come to a better understanding of this thing we just have to do. Good Luck to you both.

When you stated that you gal is the first to say that, like most women, she likes MANLY men, it struck me as so relevant to my own situation. My lady has stated so so often that, if she'd wanted to marry a gal, she'd have been a lesbian. I've tried to point out the benefits of NOT being wed to a wham-bam-thank-you-mam type of guy, but she's not buying.

I wish you well with your wife. I've been maried 30+ years and, while we've had our differences - especially over me being "into" feminine apparel - our differences never outweighed our compassion for each other "in sickness or in health, ... in drab or enfemme, ... 'till death do us part."

You are very lucky to now have a dialogue. If my wife finds out it would be a divorce(middle class values and all that crap) Im not sure I would care at this point
good luck hon!!

Marla - :hugs: wow babe, I feel for you. I offer my wishes for it to all work out for the best, and I think writing down you thoughts is a good idea. Good luck, if you need to talk I am only a YM away :)

Marla, sweetie, I too am saddened to hear of your situation. I can relate to alot of it myself. I don't have much to add that hasn't been said already. Just know that you are in the thoughts and prayers of hundreds of your sisters here. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I know it's been of great value to many dealing with similar situations. All the best. Tammi

marla

nothing i can add but i'll be rooting for a good outcome for you guys!

i am going thru it to in a different way and we are 9 months into my revealing the crossdressing side of me..we are not doing well at this point but you never know..
the most i get from my wife is that it bothers her, she cant understand it and its a huge turn off..she wont talk about it really at all

anyway

all the best to you

michele

Marla, I'm sorry to hear about some of the additional details. I'm not one to rush people off to counseling, but it sounds like it might be beneficial in this situation given the other issues going on. It sounds like your wife has let the dead bury the living, and while it's understandable that she would grieve terribly, it doesn't sounds like she's in a healthy place. And given where she's at, counseling for yourself might be good to help you figure out how to cope with that, as well as address the other issues you've alluded to.

We're of course willing to listen and help, but a professional will have knowledge and tools that we don't.

[SIZE=3]Hiya TGMarla. I hope everything goes well for you.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3][/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]Watch out for that Deep love that you mentioned. Sometimes it's there and you don't know it. Then if you get divorced you realize your mistake to late.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]Just ask my ex-wife.[/SIZE]:rolleyes:

Marla let your wife see this it might help.

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...19&postcount=4

Thank you, ladies. I appreciate the input. Things aren't as cold as I'd have imagined. I've PM'd some of you, and talked and messaged others. I am grateful for all the support. You know, considering the fact that I only joined this forum in early October, it's amazing to me the level of support that has been given to me. Thank you, everyone.

My wife and I aren't fighting about anything. She's not exactly acting really close to me, but it could be a lot worse. I mean a very lot worse. So I'm hopeful that this is a good sign.

Marlena, I could not agree with your response more. You rock. I'm going to look into counselling in the next week. Perhaps I can kick the ol' closet door open, learn to deal with the whole suicide thing a bit better, help my wife, and still be able to be who I am all at the same time.

I really had never planned to discuss my wife's son's suicide here on this forum. It really has nothing to do with crossdressing, except that he was a member of my family, and I crossdress. He was originally the one who caught me (red-handed wearing a lovely yellow skirt and matching short-sleeved sweater) and spilled this information to my wife. He then told his cousin, and his cousin probably told everyone he knew, including every member of my wife's family he could get his hot little hands on. My extended family, however, has never treated me with anything less than complete dignity and class. Props to them. So when my wife and I had our little talk the other night, it really wasn't "part 2", it was actually "part 3". But when her son spilled it to everyone, I panicked, came up with a halfway decent lie, and used it as an excuse. It wasn't until just over a year ago that I was fully honest and forthright with her. And I was that way with her this time, too. As uncomfortable as it is, honesty really is what's best, especially when talking with your loved ones.