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Originally Posted by
sandra-leigh
I am beyond upset today. Disappointed to some degree, hurt to some degree, but I think I still have a lot of "processing" to do on this.
Next week, I will start attending a limited-time facilitated support group. The support group is for people intending to transition to some degree or another, and if their past experience is an indication, there will be few traditional MTF, mostly FTM and (even more so) non-binary or "gender queer".
I am looking forward to it; it feels like a significant step or me to attend this, a real transition group. Like going mid-thigh deep into the water instead of just having the water lap around my ankles all the time while I try to figure out how good my swimming is. (Well, I'm metaphorically deeper than that already, but you get the idea.)
This is a very good idea, but don't let it become a substitute for your gender therapist. There will be opinions and experiences shared by members of a group like this which may need to be discussed with your therapist.
I had moved to Denver and away from my first gender therapist, and couldn't afford the sessions for a while. I connected to a support group similar to what you are talking about, and met several who had successfully transitioned, and several others who were nearing their final stages. One of the members shared tales of caution, sharing about how she now had to keep her history of previously being a man a secret. It sounded like even more deception to me, which is one of the things I wanted to end. Since I hadn't talked with the therapist, I was more vulnerable when my ex-wife threatened to have my child visitation revoked.
25 years later, I'm finally transitioning, after 2 heart attacks, a stroke, and not seeing my kids AT ALL for 5 years (phone calls only), and some major weight problems - all a direct and predicted result of trying to abort transition.
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Last night I mentioned to my wife that I will be out on Tuesday evenings for the next while. My social club for the first week, and then "a limited time support group" for the following weeks. My wife prodded a bit about what the group was for; I said it was for people with gender problems.
My wife asked, "Oh, you have gender problems?". I said "Yes". My wife then half-laughed and said, "I'm not going to support you." When I asked for clarification, she said "I'm not going to support you with your gender problems. It's too much for me. What about support for me? I don't have any support. I should find some support too."
This is a VERY GOOD IDEA! Like it or not, your wife has to go through many changes of her own to adapt to this new expression of you. There will be times when she will almost see you as a stranger, because different aspects of your personality will become more dominant as your become more feminine. Pretending to be masculine takes a LOT of energy, a lot of deception, and can really tear at the soul. Many of us were very introverted and isolated, other are almost comical in their attempts to be masculine. I became very intellectual, having a bad habit of factoid dumping to deflect having to talk about what was REALLY going on in my heart and soul.
As we progress through transition, we spend less energy in deception, often finding that "feminine" skills, attitutes, mannerisms, and such are things that come to us very quickly and very quickly become second nature - because that's who we REALLY ARE!
There will be periods when we get a bit too self-absorbed, wanting to talk about ourselves too much, looking in the mirror too much, being a bit too sexy, pretty, beautiful, and still feeling it's not good enough. It takes a while, but we eventually become comfortable with who we really are, and the result is someone who is more confident, compassionate, caring, loving, gentle, and kind. Someone who enjoys being the woman they are.
However, to our wives, some of our greatest moments of joy can be sheer terror to them. They see us becoming someone else in front of their very own eyes. They fear that we might find someone else, that we might stop loving them, that we might lose interest in what's important to her.
She also has fears around her own social support network. What will friends, family, coworkers, church members, and others in her various communities think?
She has to consider what it will be like to be married to another woman? If your legal status is changed from M to F, will your marital status change with it?
Will you lose interest is sex? A hundred other questions will race through her mind.
I started bringing my wife to my sessions with my gender counselor and it was amazing how quickly we were able to sort through so many questions and concerns in so little time. There was no restriction on what she could say or ask about, or be concerned about. As a result, there were areas where I realized I could probably slow the pace, delay steps, or review legal issues, rather than rushing headlong into a situation where she could lose property, security, liberty, and even her life (loss of health coverage), because we were no longer legally married in New Jersey since NJ still has not legalized Gay marriage. Even the court precedents are "mushy".
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To be clear, she was not saying this with a scowl, and it wasn't one of those "Huh!" laughs; it was a sort of melodious laugh, with a bit of smile on her face. Enough so that it wasn't clear whether she was being entirely serious or not.
Was she being serious? Let me put it this way: She can never remember the name "Sandra", but she can talk for more than half an hour about events that happened to a friend (that she has never met) of a business acquaintance in another city (whom she has not met often at all.) Indeed, the friend of the acquaintance has now been raised in narrative conversation three times in a day and a half.
If she can remember that much that she has heard once about someone she never met, then it is certainly within her capabilities to remember "Sandra". :Angry3:
So why doesn't she remember? Because if she "doesn't remember" then it isn't really happening? Or at least it "isn't serious" ?
How much time does she spend with Sandra? How often does she hear OTHER PEOPLE call you Sandra. Does she call you Sandra or "honey" when you are out together?
Once she starts spending more time with you (and Sandra's friends), the more comfortable she will become, the more she will remember who you are. At this point, she is still struggling to accept the fact that Sandra is who you REALLY are.
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On some days she says plainly things like, "If you want to be a woman, you have to learn how to" (e.g., do a decent ponytail.). But on other days, it is like I just happen to be especially persistent about wearing women's clothes "just to dress up".
This sounds to me like she really WANTS to help you. My wife said just about the same thing. She told me that if I wanted to be a woman, I had to learn how to do it right, which meant I had to stop dressing and acting like a ****/skank (what is a skank anyway? Something like a **** or hooker?). She took me shopping and helped me pick out some clothes that were not near as much "fun" as what I had been wearing. The skirts were longer, the shirts were looser, there were pants that were long and slender. There were even shoes that reminded me of men's oxfords (but these had two inch heels).
But the first time I wore her outfits in public, to a shopping mall, I was astonished, because NO ONE NOTICED ME! It wasn't that they weren't making remarks, or that they were being polite. They literally were just seeing me as another woman, just like the other 70 women in that part of that mall at that hour. I used the facilities and didn't even get a look or a glare. It was amazing! At the same time, it was incredibly liberating! If you are smart, you will really take your wife's advice to heart. It says she really wants you to succeed because she loves you a LOT!
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Yes, she knows I have been going to gender therapy for years.
But she hasn't been to your gender therapist? It would be a very good idea if she could come to some of your sessions. It will help both of you adjust to each other's pace, eventually enabling both of you to progress more rapidly.
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And now that I need support, I get told, "I'm not going to support you."
Cripes it is hard. Talk about having to be willing to give up everything.
It sounds to me like she was really saying just the opposite, that she really does want to support you, but she really DOES need some support as well. She may have some idea what you are doing, but she really can't identify with what you have gone through and are going through emotionally. Someone who is just a man being a man, or a woman being a woman doesn't even think about being something else other than a short-term fantasy - what if I had HIS power, or HIS strength.
What your wife must struggle to understand is that you developed a female brain long before you were born and yet you got just enough testosterone to have the male anatomy as well. Your female brain has more white matter, a smaller limbic system, and a smaller hypothalamus. It's quite probable you have a longer index finger than your ring finger as well.
Even though you were labeled a boy based on your gonads, you doctor was wrong. When you tried to play with other boys, they would push and it wasn't even in your nature to push back. They may have taken your toys, because they knew you wouldn't fight for them. You may have preferred to play with other girls as a very young boy, having a sister, cousin, or neighbor girl who played nice with you, didn't push and shove you, and made you feel happy. You may have had dolls or stuffed animals, made up songs, and made up stories about your dolls and animals.
Once in elementary school, you were forced to conform to what was expected of boys. You weren't allowed to play with girls, and the boys played rough. You might have learned to adapt, to appear to be like them, to avoid being bullied, but you knew you were different.
Even dating and in marriage, you knew you were different. You may not have been able to put your finger on it, or you may have wanted to be a girl all your life, but it seemed like an impossible dream. You were trapped in a male body until you died.
Now, thanks to gender therapy, hormones, and possible surgeries, you now see the very real possibility of becoming a woman. Maybe not the fashion model you had hoped to be (most girls have to cope with that too), but at least you can relate to others as a woman, and have them experience you as a woman.
For me, it was the very first time I could even HEAR a thank you, or acknowledgement - because they were finally acknowleging ME instead of the Charley McCarthy dummy character I had created to appear to be Rex. When someone complimented Rex, I always that - "yeah, but if you knew who I REALLY WAS, would you STILL think I was great?". It got so painful that I actually avoided acknowledgement and completion - leaving projects when I knew that my dream could be fulfilled by others without my help, moving on to the next project so I didn't have to be around during the painful celebrations. I'd work through intermediaries, offering them coaching and guidance so that THEY would be the ones thrown into the spotlight, because I didn't want to become so famous as Rex that I couldn't ever be Debbie.
The really terrifying thing to you is that you wife has no idea who or what you will become. Will you turn into a ****/skank? Will you want guys? Will you lose interest in sex? Will you lose interest in her? Will you end up as friends, with no passion? Will you lose your job? Will you be able to get another one? Will you have to move?
These are questions to be explored with you and your therapist together. In that environment, it doesn't have to be a threat, and many things she was afraid to even ask about, may be things that you've already thought about and just haven't shared - perhaps because you didn't want to scare her.
It's natural to fear the unknown. The unknown can make people feel fear, anger, confusion, and vulnerability. Getting into communication doesn't always lead to immediate answers, but it does create the context for new discoveries.
It sounds like you and your wife may have a very bright, wonderful, and exciting future ahead - if you let it happen.
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Originally Posted by
stefan37
My wife has reiterated what Kaitlyn was saying. The concept of a middle aged male changing genders is so far out of her realm, she can not wrap her around it.
On both hands, my index fingers are 80 mm long. On my right hand, my ring finger is 75mm long, on my left hand my ring finger is 70mm long. Those proportions, the longer index finger and shorter ring fingers, were there when I was born, even before I was born. No amount of medication or psychology would change those proportions. If you flooded my body with testosterone to the point of being toxic for the next 20 years, I would still have the shorter ring fingers. These proportions were established while I was in the womb. Because my body either didn't get enough testosterone or couldn't process the testosterone it got due to a genetic disorder.
The same chemical and/or genetic condition that caused the longer index fingers also caused me to have a "Female Brain". A female brain has more white matter, smaller limbic system, and smaller hypothalimus. The differences can be seen with a contrast CT scan. This condition is not as rare as you might think. Roughly 1 in 100 males are born with this type of condition to a more extreme extent, and about 1 in 5 for less extreme versions of the condition.
The male brain was designed to hunt and protect the family. The alpha males needed to be aggressive predators, and avid defenders in able to assure that their families had enough to eat.
The female brain was designed for nurture and gathering, learning subtle differences in plants, insects, and small animals, learning which were dangerous and which were safe to eat. Females also nurtured children, nursing them, caring for them, and keeping them alive until they were old enough for the boys to join their fathers, and the girls to join with the rest of the women in gathering.
However, some boys weren't alphas. They were beta, or even omega males. Too week to hunt or to fight, they would stay with their mothers much longer, learning to gather. We know from observing apes, that these beta males would "sneak" sex because they were in close proximity to the females.
To survive, the beta males may have expanded their knowledge of dangerous plants, insects, and animals. When threatened, they could device poisons that would disable even the strongest hunters. The omegas would become known as healers or shamen. In North America, they are called "two spirit people" with both female and male spirits. In India they are called Hijrah - Some becoming Eunichs with magical powers to bless children, to bless families. They would also have become good healers as well.
Even if we wanted to try and become alpha males, it wouldn't be possible. Our bodies simply aren't capable of processing adrenal signals in that way.
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We also have a tremendous support network available to us, and our spouses for the most part have nothing. That weighs on my wife's mind especially in the beginning. It is unfortunate but a fact that is often overlooked. Our wives are left to their own devices and depending on where they receive their information could impact their views.
Many of us do a very good job of "faking it" before we get married. If our wives were aware that we were unusually gentle, patient, kind, and loving, slow to anger, and quick to forgive, they may have assumed it was just because we were "Nice Guys". It was our female brains doing what they are designed to do, nurture, sustain, and build relationships.
Unfortunately, even WE don't know who we will become until after we have completed the transition. Many of us became more sociable, more interested in others, and more sincere and authentic. Maintaining the facade of being a male takes a lot of energy and time, and the willingness to live in constant state of deception. It's much like being an undercover cop, a spy in hostile territory, or even a Jew in Nazi Europe. Every thought, word, and action has to be deliberate and deceptive.
When we transition, we finally get to be ourselves. We are often astonished at how easily we adopt the thoughts, actions, and mannerisms of women. It seems as if that was who we were supposed to be.
For our wives, they have to discover who we are, and it's often terrifying. They don't know if they will like the new person. Will she become a rival? Will she become a friend? Will she become a lover? And your wife needs to think about what she wants. Will she be content when you can't get an erection because of the testosterone blockers and estrogen? Will the two of you find new ways to please each other? Will you start seeking out men? These may seem almost absurd to some of us, but they are very real fears and questions for our wives and lovers.
There are practical matters too. Will the marriage still be legal, or will it be banned as a "gay marriage"? Could you lose health care benefits (life), visitation and family rights (liberty) or tax breaks (property) because you are in a "lesbian marriage"?
How will her friends, coworkers, family, church, and other communities react? Will they reject us? Will they reject her?
These are questions we need to consider for ourselves as well, but most of us are TOO aware of the possible consequences of being "outed".
Sharing these issues TOGETHER with your gender therapist, will help everybody to get a better result.
