Are you afraid of losing your male identity

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Originally Posted by Beverley Sims

Isha,
Slow down, you are going at 90 miles per hour.
You have advanced very well in your appearance and presentation.
You are likely to hit a brick wall, both you and your wife.
The magic of it all goes, you look at each other and say what now.
Keep what you have in the way of progress but temper it a little.

I have not lost my male identity and I don't think you need to either.
Enjoy life as it is but slow down and keep something for tomorrow.
You might really need that therapist if you continue at a breakneck speed.

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Hi, I agree with Beverly you need to slow down. I went a little nuts at first too. I'm the total opposite of the type A personality you may possess so it was easy for me to calm down at look at this in a more sensible way. For me, not taking myself or dressing too seriously was the way to go to preserve my identity and my sanity. After reading some of your posts I felt a little worried about you, I'm so happy to hear that you do have a therapist.

Hugs Jaymee

Hi Jaymee,

Thanks much. Yeah, I will have to slow things down a bit but very hard for us Type A folks.

It is funny, at first I didn't think I needed therapy but when I returned to my parent occupation as a military psychologist after such a long hiatus, therapy was required as part of the introspective learning before I could begin working with clients again. We discovered early in the session that it might be wise to explore this area a bit more in depth.

Hugs

Isha

1. Those of you who dress at home and occasionally go out but still spend a good portion of your time en male, do you fear losing your male identity?
No. If anything, my male identity has been strengthened by MtF crossdressing…

2. For those of you who have decided to live most of your time en femme vice male, do you feel as though you have given up your male identity? . . .
Not applicable, in my case. It’s just not in the cards for me to be any other way…

3. For anyone who has experience the pink fog, did you find balance between the two halves or do you find it a constant struggle for control?
Some people wish to believe in “two halves,” and they enjoy the imaginary conflict that results…

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Originally Posted by Tracii G

The male side is the remainder that takes care of business and can be quite serious , Tracii is the bimbo nut case that lives in my body.

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That's quite how I feel...when I'm a male at work or other formal occasions...it's just taking care of business...as soon as I am home and free from the more pressing responsibilities of life - I'm Caitlin and just so relaxed and so much more "me". But to answer the question - I'm never afraid of losing my male identity...it will always be there in some fashion.

Hi Isha and All

I seem to be like the majority - a type 1 with the occasional drift into type 3 - the 'pink fog'.

I still work in a very male orientated place and love my job (heavy engineering) with a hobby that I love that's also very male orientated - also heavy engineering in the heritage steam restoration area...

However, I do have a more gentle, fem side - I do like to get dressed up at least once a week and get out occasionally to the local CD/TS Group but they've currently lost their venue so going out is a bit difficult at the moment. My wife is reasonably OK with me dressing these days (after 30+ years...) but I think I try and repress my femme side a bit too much at times and sometimes the safety valve lifts and I just have to dress more ie. the 'pink fog' which I know can cause her some distress - which I don't want to cause so achieving balance at times can be difficult.

Do I worry about losing my male self? Sometimes yes, when the 'pink fog' drifts in but I love my male job and hobbies too much. I'd also lose those close to me - my wife and family. Whatever this CDing thing is - the $64,000 question we'd all like to know the answer to, causes me some grief from time to time when I start tearing myself apart but after 30+ years, we've both just about come to terms with the fact that I need to be Polly from time to time for whatever reason.

Obviously this is a lot different to type 2's who are TS and feel they were born in the wrong body and go the whole way of HRT and SRS.

I get the impression that you're type 1 in a type 3 'pea souper' at the moment. You're heading into femdom at full tilt - wooooa there gal, slow down a bit and try and achieve some balance as you edge forward. There seems to be lots of good advice you're getting here so hopefully you'll get some reasonable resolution soon.

xx Polly

Polly, I know that we each have our very own personal definition of "Pink Fog" (just like everyone defines "TG" or "CD" differently), but in your words I detect a rather severe definition, as if you are saying that if you want to dress more than once per week it is the dreaded Pink Fog.

In my view, Pink Fog has nothing to do with the amount of time dressed but rather how other things in life lose their importance. When my SO went through it, going out dressed alone was her priority to the point where I seriously took second place, no matter what was going on in my life. This is what hurts ... when a wife/gf feels that she no longer matters.

If you tell your wife that you are going through a period where you feel a need to dress more often than your usual, and you discuss mutually agreeable times with your wife, she will (hopefully) not feel cast aside providing you are there for each other in other areas. Going about it this way is not taking a Pink Fog approach, which by definition is rather a self-centered approach.

Isha
I know that I have asked myself this question. It is rather obvious to my wife that I like being female more than male. I acknowledged that I am transgendered and not just a male wearing female clothes. I am afraid of letting my family down it I require more than just going out occasionally. I am trying to balance being the real me with what she needs from me. I don't think there is anything wrong with me admitting I have some fear about this. I have progressed a lot over the last 6 it 7 months and it is a lot to understand. I am trying to stay in each day and love and touch as many people as I can. I treasure my time with my wife more and more these days. However more and more of the time I feel like Suzanne. I know many of you scoff at anyone who says they struggle with this. I just want to say that I do struggle and I want to do the right thing.
Suzanne

I can't shake the male identity. It follows me wherever I go and The people who knew "him" don't want to give him up.

And Yes Tamara, I know I am 16 years old and I am going through that learning curve.

I was going to say that there is a good chance that I use to be afraid of losing my male identity because of all the things I use to do like sports , weight lifting swinging an axe , wanting muscles but then when you start to think about it how do I know if I would have done all those things or not even if I had been born a female , was I trying to exert my male identity in the hope that it would cover up my feminine identity hiding inside of me , I really don't know , do I do the things I do now simply because I can or because I do not want to lose my male identity , I am inclined to think that I do not have an identity crisis going on as I am now happy to let the feminine side show ,( well females always get their way in the end :heehee: ).
And as far as the pink fog it all depends on what you mean by that , have I taken risks to dress sometimes ,yes I expect that i have , has the urge to dress been hard to cope with some times , yes I guess it has , do I want to get lost in a feminine heaven , most of the time , maybe it is reality verse's fantasy which cause's the pink fog as one seems to be so much more enjoyable than the other , I will leave you to decide which :D

I think that I most closely fit your #2 question. I spend more of my time en femme than in male mode. Yet, when I have to
revert to male mode, I do not feel that I have lost my male identity.

It is my opinion that I have to identities, one male and one feminine.

For me when I was dressing a lot it was like I was someone else even another personality, but since I don't believe in multiply peesonalitys I just figured it was the pink fog as some say. My actions do seem more fem when I am dressed but to me it's just kinda natural for me I guess. Now I feel it all works together I know who I am, I am a man fully who just has this hobby. Now it's an unusual hobby for sure but it's satisfying. I don't want to encourage others to join this hobby however cause it's just too complicated on so many levels

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Originally Posted by ReineD

Polly, I know that we each have our very own personal definition of "Pink Fog" (just like everyone defines "TG" or "CD" differently), but in your words I detect a rather severe definition, as if you are saying that if you want to dress more than once per week it is the dreaded Pink Fog.

In my view, Pink Fog has nothing to do with the amount of time dressed but rather how other things in life lose their importance. When my SO went through it, going out dressed alone was her priority to the point where I seriously took second place, no matter what was going on in my life. This is what hurts ... when a wife/gf feels that she no longer matters.

If you tell your wife that you are going through a period where you feel a need to dress more often than your usual, and you discuss mutually agreeable times with your wife, she will (hopefully) not feel cast aside providing you are there for each other in other areas. Going about it this way is not taking a Pink Fog approach, which by definition is rather a self-centered approach.

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Reine

I do indeed try and let my wife (Allsteamedup) know when the 'fog is drifting in and I need to dress - 'how other things in life lose their importance' as you put it. She will usually say, 'OK, go and get dressed then.' I try and repress it but 'it' usually wins...

Even after 30+ years I still ask the question, Why me? I'm a man and yet at times I have an urge to be a woman (or at least emulate one). I still sometimes feel quilt and beat myself up over 'it'. As I said earlier, I've no desire to go full time and go HRT & SRS - just too much to lose - I still l like being a man most of the time.

So Type 1 with the 'fog, Type 3 drifting by in and out at frequent intervals.

xx Polly

Not at all. I've reached a perfect balance between my two sides and woukd change nothing.

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Originally Posted by NathalieX66

Me, I'm a crossdresser. I go out dressed as female regularly. I travel on trains, I fly on planes as a woman. I wear dresses.

I am not exclusively female, I see myself as both genders. The reality is I am not less of a man, I am more whole as a person. That's the place I find myself most happy.

Unlike my transsexual friends, I never transitioned, or did HRT. My male parts still roar the same as any man. I'm still boringly, but madly attracted to women. However, I just happen to dress like one. Don't know why...just is. Now I'm happy.

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Once again Nathalie you have described me perfectly.

Isha, my circumstances are such that I must be (but am happy to be) male at home with my wife. Time away from home during the week is usually en femme. Consequently both male and female me happily coexist.

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Originally Posted by Tamara Croft

I've seen this time after time after time on this forum. Member comes out to wife and within a few days/weeks they are lost in pink fog... imho, this is what is happening to you, it's called 'new found freedom'... and after a while, it will either consume you and you'll end up in a straight jacket, or you'll get a grip with yourself and learn to balance it out :D

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When I first came out to my ex that I wanted to dress and she didn't react badly, the pink fog definitely decended. I went from no wardrobe to a significant wardrobe and to going out very quickly. I can see great similarities with your current state Isha.

With the benefit of hindsight I should have been slower with my ex. It was totally in her face. She went from seeingly OK to gone over 2 years. Yes other reasons but my obsession would have been right up there as reshaping our marriage.

Not wanting to be harsh but take stock, think through the consequences and don't blame your personality.

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Originally Posted by Lorileah

And Yes Tamara, I know I am 16 years old and I am going through that learning curve.

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Still 16 Lorileah:battingeyelashes: I've grown up - 18 now. Perfect age - you don't have people telling you 'don't wear that mini skirt' :)

A lot of interesting replies. Everyone has their own feelings and comfort level. I can say that my male side is gone and I have absolutely no intention of ever bringing him back. I live as me 24/7. I am married and have a wonderful relationship with my wife. Only a few steps to go and I'll be complete.

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Originally Posted by Isha

In some of my original posts, I alluded to the fact that I felt my male and female identity were always one [and] the same. ... However, there are times when I also feel they are distinctly in conflict with one another wrestling for possession of me in a "winner take all" game.

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In my view, that's the consequence of trying to have a "male identity" (or a "female identity") in the first place.

A "male" (or "female") "identity" is nothing more than a selection of pieces of your self, edited and warped to fit some external standard of what a man/woman is supposed to be. If you split off enough pieces of yourself and label them "not me", they come back and, as you put it, wrestle for possession. But it's you who've set up the "winner take all" in the first place.

It's why I think that thinking of oneself as having a "male side" and a "female side" is unhealthy. They're both the same person (=you), and by splitting one's person(-ality) into two pieces, each of which claims it is you, you set yourself up for an internal power struggle. Not to mention a lifetime of misery.

Me, I have no use for "male identity" or "female identity." Instead, I'm striving to be aware of and understand all the pieces of my self and become a single, integrated person, instead of a collection of (warring) "identities."

Now comes the gal with, perhaps, some cold water --- not necessarily to slow down your flight but out of concern --- the same concern reflected by the comments of a few other posters. Intended to write after I became uncomfortable for your welfare upon reading your OP a few days ago, and today, when I read that your therapist was also your "colleague and close friend", I became more convinced for the need to speak. In your last OP I got the impression that your therapist lacked the "gender" experience needed to be effective when toying with another person's mind --- that objectivity seemed to be lacking and she was
"winging it", that is, molding her comments from your actions and words from session to session ---and not from long experience in gender therapy. It has to be difficult to be objective when dealing advise to a "close friend". I don't know her credentials but do suggest that, you, obviously a bright person, consider whether a therapist with greater experience and less a bond to you might just be better for you in this, a crucial time, in your life's journey.
Think about it.
Julie

1. This would be my situation. What keeps me from becoming more? family... they are the most important aspect of my life and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I don't fear losing my male identity because I can't envision living as anything but a man.

2. not me

3. Pink Fog... struggling with it right now. I seem to go in cycles, with Shannen winning for a month or two at a time. It usually ends when I get too exhausted to keep up the effort. I say to myself, "It only takes a few minutes to put on a skirt and blouse, and then that 2 hour drive will be so much nicer!" Then I say to self, "A wig will make it so those sharing the road with you won't notice a thing if they glance over." Then... "Makeup only takes 10 minutes..." when of course it is really 30. "Why not stop and pump gas as Shannen now? Go try on a new dress?

So a 2 hour drive becomes a 5 hour adventure, and I find myself getting home at midnight instead of 9:00. Again the next day and the next, maybe take a vacation day and spend the whole day relishing the fog...

The only way I've found to cope with Pink Fog is to keep my supplies locked in the storage unit, and plan a "reward" day for Shannen, once the man-world duties are all taken care of.

But of course the fog doesn't always respect that...

-hugs-

Hi Julie,

Thanks for your concern. :)

My colleague does specialize in gender identity therapy. Her being a friend does present some challenges in that we shared a bond with me as a guy not a girl. I trust her explicitly and expect her to act professionally. Unfortunately most of the therapist in my neck of the woods are known to me. It is not uncommon for one psychologist to deal with another who is close a hand and has a familiarity.

Hugs

Isha

Question 1: In a word, no. I'm not interested in changing anything about my body other than one or two sets of holes in my ears.

Question 2: Doesn't apply.

Question 3: I have enough experience with self control in highly charged situations that I doubt the pink fog will be an issue.

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Originally Posted by Asche

A "male" (or "female") "identity" is nothing more than a selection of pieces of your self, edited and warped to fit some external standard of what a man/woman is supposed to be. If you split off enough pieces of yourself and label them "not me", they come back and, as you put it, wrestle for possession. But it's you who've set up the "winner take all" in the first place.

It's why I think that thinking of oneself as having a "male side" and a "female side" is unhealthy. They're both the same person (=you), and by splitting one's person(-ality) into two pieces, each of which claims it is you, you set yourself up for an internal power struggle. Not to mention a lifetime of misery.

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This is a great way to explain it!

It's also how I sense my SO. Other than the period of time when my SO was shall we say expanding her horizons, there really is no guy and girl side; s/he is always the same person no matter how dressed. Sometimes I sense her softer self more, while other times I don't, irrespective of the manner of presentation. All of his/her characteristics and behaviors are always there, ebbing and flowing. Just like mine.

My SO explained the period referred to in this thread as catching up her girl side with his guy side. Another explanation was having the pendulum move from extreme male preferences and personality traits (pre CDing), to extreme female (expansion phase), and eventually settling somewhere at the equilibrium point.

Asche defines complete integration.

I am not personally afraid of losing my masculinity or male identity. I am not one who really has a significant difference in identity. When I change into female clothing, I am only connecting with what is already there. I do not have any differences of what I like or do not like. At best the increased connection when wearing female clothing may cause me to act in a more feminine manner, so rather than a blend of some female traits, it goes farther to the female side in that regard. But even then, I am not looking to act in all ways female. I think the connection just enhances it somewhat.

My wife however is afraid of me losing my male identity. Fairly new to this and without a lot of knowledge before hand, I suppose only time can alleviate this fear for her. I wish I could do more to help her, but then again, as my comfort level along with hers increases, she is seeing more of the feminine side of me which was always there but now is getting increased freedom. I can see how a pink fog can overcome a CDer. I haven't been hit particularly hard with it, but I can feel a pull from it here and there.

You can't lose something you never had in the first place. My male persona is entirely artificial. I can even remember the day it started. One day when I was a teenager I said to myself, "I'm going to stop all this girl stuff and learn how to be like all the other boys." Constructing a male persona was hard work. Mostly I had trouble with carrying things too far. But eventually I was able to learn to play the role well, and I even got so I enjoyed it. I worked at it so long and hard that I'm certainly never going to forget how. But even if I do, so what?

Afraid of loosing "him"? Are you kid'n me? I want "him" dead in the worst way!

Isha,
I think you are asking good questions that I struggle with but don't have answers for. The one wonderful thing to me about what you are doing is the efforts you mention about working hard to be caring towards your SO.
Good luck.
Cheers
Danielle