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I've been reading a lot of transgender related articles on line lately, and reading the comments that follow. I agree with Suzy, there is a lot more that can be lost than I'm wiling to put out there at this point in my life. But then Revolutions are fought by the young. But there is still a lot of bigotry out there, so wear that dress with confidence but wear it where you will be safe.
I think like so many other things that have been socially "Taboo" the acceptance but NIMBY attitude is slowly becoming the norm.. at this stage of the game there are many who are "Ok" with it on an intellectual level, but not on an emotional one- BIG difference! The Ok IMBY will have to come slowly, and largely by 1 on 1 conversion where people get to know us as a person, a friend, neighbor or co-worker and then as a CD or Bigendered person or whatever you go by and it is up to each individual to know when the time is right to broach the subject where acceptance will come instead of rejection. Tough nut to crack, but we will get there in time.
I traded in my Idealism for a pair of heals and a cute skirt.
WOW...I LOVE this !!!! ESPECIALLY the last line !Good for you...and on a weird note can you believe I do not own ANY "panties" LOL....just gaff thongs to hide the boys!!!!Quote:
Originally Posted by (Sara)
I hate to break it to you all - but you aren't "normal people." Sorry - if it was up to me, you would be, and so would I. But unfortunately, my vote doesn't count for much - there are too few TS people like me to ever have much clout. There are probably enough CDs to make gender variance accepted within "normal people", but most of y'all don't come out, so people continue to stereotype CDs.Quote:
Originally Posted by (Sara)
You'll have to take my word for this. I'm out, and I accept myself. Sure, I'm TS - but I can tell you that "the normal people's" overall lack of acceptance is unfortunately quite real.
If enough of you came out though, it would change the world, at least a little bit.
Sara, I have to agree with a lot of what you said. However, each one of us has to decide what is right for themselves. What do I have to loose? My job for sure and a lot of friends that I have from that 20+ year career. Some would not care and would still be the same friend they were before, others, not so much. I also have children, two teenagers still at home and I see no need to put them through the torment others finding out about me would most certainly cause them (teenagers can be very cruel). While my beautiful bride knows all about Stephanie and is very accepting of that part of me, and I am sure the kids would be okay with it, I am not sure how the rest of the family would react and really do not see the need in finding out.
I've had a hard time with these thoughts rolling around in my head lately. I've been trying to accept myself as a CD. After all I've only been doing it for 2/3rds of my life and even before that I had urges. This thing is a really big part of me but I've been hiding it so long that I don't know how to stop fighting it. I don't even know how to begin to ask for acceptance for the people who probably already suspect me. You can't imagine how terrified I would be to be seen by my macho big brother or my father in drag.
Sara - I like your thoughts and agree. Very well written. It's sad for all of us that so many of us cannot bare to do what you talk about. The closer I get to what you describe, the happier I become.
If a family member outed themselves to me, I'd be cool with it, but that's who I'd see from then on - a crossdresser. (This has happened with how I see my H.) So if you're okay with this defining you, great. If it's only a small part of you, telling the world might leave you more boxed in than when you were in the closet.
Just a thought.
For my situation, I would likely lose contact with my parents and some of my siblings. This is not me guessing, I grew up in a very strict and close minded religion, when I left and chose a non-denominational church, I was shunned for a long time. I have worked hard to build up those relationships again, why is a different story. I would also likely lose my job. The good thing for me is I don't have a desire to come out. I am having a ton of fun with my wife behind closed shades and doors. When I was just out of high school I would go out with some girl friends to a club that was friendly, but I really didn't enjoy it that much. I commend anyone who has the desire to come out and has the courage to be honest with those around them, but that's not who I am, at least for now.
Wow what a tough issue.
I can certainly understand that if you have an established life with a wife and kids, work for someone else etc. and you are comfortable and happy in your situation then you might not want to come out. And I can see how it's much more difficult in social circles of people over 40 or so. But for me, being 28 and a part of the "millennial" generation, I find that people of my age and younger are more accepting and they desire to be more of an authentic person with others rather than hiding who they are. I am in that group and just wish everyone knew exactly who I am. It's still hard as hell to come to terms with that and actually tell people, but I'm working on it.
I'm not ignorant and realize that people would say negative things behind my back. But the older I get, the less I care and the more I realize that I am the architect of my life. If people don't like me for being CD, that's fine. I'll just surround myself with people who do like that side of me or who just don't care. Id much rather live the life of being happy with myself and upsetting a few people than worrying what people think at the expense of my happiness in life.
But at the end of the day I think each person should chase what makes them happy. That could be closet cding and having a separate "normal" life and a sense of "security" or coming out and being free to be who you are - it's all about your own happiness.
I believe the original question is self centered, unintentionally perhaps, but it excludes the effect on others.
Regardless whether or not a spouse/SO/girlfriend knows, and regardless whether she is accepting, coming out as a crossdresser will have an effect on her life. It will affect her family relations, it will affect her friendships, her place of work, church, volunteering, etc. She will be put in the position of explaining and defending something that probably does not give her any pleasure in the first place.
Children, particularly school aged children will feel the effect of their dad's outing. School aged children are subject to intense peer pressure and lack a grownups ability to deal with it. Children from unusual families face even more pressure. They will have additional difficulty making friends. The parents of their existing friends may disallow the friendship to continue. The children will be shunned or worse. They will face the real possibility of being assaulted.
It's not just about "me".
Best wishes
MsVal
without taking this totally off topic, I disagree with MissVal. I think it is more self centered to hide it. By coming out you allow the other person to use their own minds. As far as children, we as a society should be teaching acceptance of others. I understand what is being said here but a parent should be teaching the children that not everyone is like everyone else. That does not make someone better and it certainly does no9t make someone worse. I know that children are taught by society, but parents should be guiding them
I will respectfully disagree with Lorileah by agreeing.
That is, I agree that keeping crossdressing, or any controversial proclivity to oneself is, almost by definition self centered. It is the embodiment of a self interest. I believe that you are absolutely correct.
The original post questioned why crossdressers keep it secret, often to their own detriment, when disclosing it would bring needed, personal relief. To that point, I also agree. The angst suffered by living a life based on a lie can be devastating. There are several reports on this forum alone where it drove some to consider suicide as an escape.
There are others though that could suffer from one's disclosure. Wives and children are often the most affected. Their welfare must be responsibly considered prior to "coming out". For some, crossdressing is an occasional but enjoyable pastime; something that can be done in the safety and security of one's "closet". They have no need or even desire to make a general disclosure. Others have a more immediate and more pressing, real need to crossdress. Some do so as they pass through on their way to full transition. Obviously, the needs of these groups and those of their loved ones differ greatly, but all needs should be considered in a responsible fashion.
So, while I agree in theory, I disagree in practice. I stand by my original assertion that the original topic was, probably unintentionally self centered. There are others who would be affected by one's disclosure. It's not just about the crossdresser's needs. It's not just about "me".
(I would make a general disclosure tomorrow were it not for the pain it would cause those that I love dearly.)
Best wises
MsVal
I accept myself, I have no doubts that I'll never stop wearing panties, but I've met my share of bigots. I remain skeptical about people's reactions, at least the people I know.
I'm not going to tell anyone what they should, or shouldn't do. I can inform, you, that being out to at least some people, can be very liberating.
Sara, you are right, in that it's not wrong, I think it's a lot less rare than most on here would believe. Being open about it? Yes, it can be better for everyone, but you live in the UK. These days, even more so than when I lived there, it's essentially a secular country. North America has a strong religious streak, even in areas you wouldn't think it. Along with that is a very "conservative" attitude. In such areas, being out leaves you at risk. To your job, your landlord, your HOA, your ability to walk the streets unmolested.
I am fortunate. My GF is entirely accepting, my friend and landlord also, I think the majority of co-workers and employers would say, "Oh, I wondered, cool skirt!" and life would go on. I could walk the streets, and get very little static. I'm talking about just wearing a skirt, sometimes with hosiery of some sort, tall boots for colder weather. It really isn't that simple for a lot of people.
Given the knowledge I have now, if I found myself in one of those places that was not so accepting, with friends who were more closed minded, I know the best course would be to just chuck it up and move somewhere better. Not an option for some, and very difficult if you can't actually experience the grass on the other side of the fence. "Can't really be that green, can it?"
Having been wearing panties for the last 14 years, why change now! However, in my line of work, my credibility would be shot if I were not able to keep how I dress to myself. While my SO has always known about my panties (what a risk to wear a bright red thongon a first 'date'!!!!!) she is vaguely uncomfortable and, being from a large family, I would not wish to embarrass her and jeopardise our relationship. Balance is essential and if, in exploring boundaries, I constantly remind myself to 'Make haste slowly' - especially in my new heels LOL!
A big part of the consideration for me is the reasons behind my dressing. Beginning in college, my level of interest has risen and fallen in inverse proportion to the willingness of my relationship partner to dress in the fashion that I find most appealing (dresses, heels and pantyhose) on a regular basis. When I've been in a relationships with very "girly" girls, I've found myself with zero interest in CD; when I've been single the interest returns, and when my partner shows little interest in wearing those sorts of things, it can almost dominate my life.
Simply put, it's a coping mechanism for other parts of my life. I don't feel it necessary to share with my parents, with my wife's extended family, my coworkers, etc.
That's not to say that I haven't gone out in public in full dress and taken some major risks of exposure. I've gotten many a makeover at the MAC counter in the busiest Macy's in the area. I've taken long lunch hours trying on dresses. I've met with women selling their wedding gowns on craigslist to try them on in hopes of purchase. I've even driven across the state fully dressed, stopping in a highway rest area and refueling my car.
But I've never entertained the idea of revealing my secret to anyone but my wife.
(Yes, she knows that I dress. No, she's not really accepting of it, and as you might understand, I'm not really ready to go into the full reasons why with her - but that's another conversation for another thread.)
MsVal,
I totally agree with you. I have been in the closet for years and my cross dressing is truly all about me and I intend to keep,it that way
I wear panties 24/7 and have been doing it for over 9 years now and my girl friend knows and she was the one that threw out all my male undies many years ago.