you only get one ride on this merry-go -round.....I stopped asking that question , I would rather enjoy the ride than sit and ponder why
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you only get one ride on this merry-go -round.....I stopped asking that question , I would rather enjoy the ride than sit and ponder why
A very timely question - my daughter just rang while I was reading this thread. My 2year old grandson has today started asking Why @?"£$%^ she can't understand quite what he's asking, but he's now asking questions. It is in our nature to try and find out 'why', unfortunately i don't think there is always an answer. It's taken me best part of 50 years to come to terms with 'me' , and I don't think i'll ever know 'why'.
I think you are right Isha. The biggest problem for CDers, I believe, is accepting this thoroughly enjoyable, weird and wacky, wild, unpredictable, side of us while battling the judgement of most of the world (and often our own).
I think many of us engage ourselves in 'why' because we are curious, but also in an attempt to apply rationality (It seems in terms of societal norms to be so bizarre!) in order to bring the very desire itself under rational control. Not how or when we do it; most of us are Zen masters at that, but to have the desire itself, its wellspring, the initial desire, controlled by the little person at the controls. I think this is largely driven by our awareness of societal norms and expectations. "I must control this thing that society says is (fill in the your own boogeyman)."
I think that for a great many the whys really are a red herring. They go round and round all their lives distracted from the real work. It’s easy to intellectualize. In rational discourse you simply defend your ideas in the marketplace of ideas. Some hate to be rejected and find comfort in majority opinions even there, but even minority opinions are to be defended rationally. That’s easy. It is a requirement. But how do you defend a desire? How do you defend CDing?
My view is…you don’t. The burden of justification lies with those who are against it.
Why do they ridicule it?
Why do they reject it?
Why do some violently reject it?
It’s not my job to defend or explain my desire to them. If they ridicule or reject me because of it, that’s their problem not mine.
Those questions are theirs to answer not mine. (Although there are lots of good theories and explanations there!)
I think self acceptance is the biggest obstacle in the lives of many CDers. Focus there and not so much on the whys. The whys are a mug’s game. Have fun and enjoy. Life is way, way too damn short!
I don't really have a problem with why. I feel like I know myself well enough answer that question on my own. The problem I have is with embracing myself. It's hard for me. I place a lot of expectations on myself that I can never really live up to. In a way I'm kinda out of sync with reality as far as that goes but I'm very hard on myself. I suppose that's just the way I was brought up. Sometimes I feel like crossdressing is just a way of insulating myself. Maybe I'm creating a barrier between myself and the world. IDK. It's very hard for me to keep this all to myself and deal with it as a self contained situation. However, I'm just not really willing to share this part of myself with a whole lot of people.
When I ask myself "why" questions, it is usually so I can understand something. When it comes to Cding I started off seeing this "thing" as a curse. If it were the whole cup half full, or empty, I was looking from the negative point of view. The positve expression says, if the world gives you lemons, then open a lemonade stand, so in learning some of the "whys", I have to find the positive side to all of this. By example my Cding makes me vulnerable to my secrets getting out, so I don't reveal others secrets. If this is a weakness of character within me, then I have to be understanding of others weaknesses and have compassion for them, as I would like to receive from them. I have been called in my faith to love others as I love myself, loving myself includes all of me, Cding included. I need to value myself and others inspite of my or their quirks, short comings, faults, and weaknesses. Why, to help make the world a better place, I want to be part of the solution, not part of the problem!
The reason this question is asked so often is that it is seen, (by mainstream society, an very often by ourselves) as something illogical and bizarre.
"So, you like to dress up as a woman, and try to make a believable presentation, but you have no interest in becoming a woman, or have any interest in sexual relationships with another male?" And of course the next question is why? Because on the face of it, it doesn't lend itself to a simple understanding.
Of course, some on here do, think of themselves as female, and/or are gay, but I think the majority don't identify with that.
For most of us, asking the question on here isn't terribly productive, except in sorting through answers in order to reject the ones you know aren't relevant to yourself. Just narrowing the options can be useful. I do feel that until you can confide in someone, and get some feedback (in person is best, but this forum is extremely useful if you can't) it is very hard to get a grip on motivations and the direction you are actually heading.
So, ask the question if you must, and sort through the answers, but don't feel that what is right for others must be right for you. And don't stress too much about it, it is what it is. Yes, the more you know about yourself, the better, but it's more important to accept yourself.
I think Popeye said it best with his: "I yam what I yam!".
Since age 4, I knew I was different.. since age 10, I knew what the label was.. but since then, I have never *really* understood why.
And I realised, I don't care! I'm happy.. and I would not want it any other way!
Why is the question on everybody's lips, be it for gender identity, sexuality and indeed even existence in itself. Science has long had trouble with the question "Why?", it can tell you what, when, where and how, but why (or for what purpose).. now that is never going to deliver a satisfactory answer. For most of human action, we can give purpose to the things we say and do - but there certain things that are ingrained in us deeply.
Some things are not for a purpose of your own making, they just simply are, and have always been that way at some level. For some of us our gender diversity just is and there is no discernible purpose, for others they know for what purpose (i.e. sexual reasons), and for some they know but don't want to believe it, and would like a different purpose.
The therapist was right, and in my opinion why can bog you down, some people will never catch that particular dragon.
I no longer have to ask why as I have accepted myself and my feelings and taken ownership of them,I am a self managed and self directed person Isha. This is a part of my destiny and there is a method to my "madness" and a reason for my actions. ;):battingeyelashes::)
Wow, so many fantastic replies! For me, I don't remember asking "why" when I was young, but wondered, and assumed, that it was probably pretty normal for most boys but something they would not admit. Since I can remember I have adored women's clothes, the feel, styles, etc. When I became sexual it was a thrill. It's just the way I am and like it very much. Now that I'm older it is still a sexual fetish, but has become more of a desire to get in touch with my female side and go out into the world that way. Still not sure why, but don't really care. It's fun and rewarding. Do people that have a leather fetish, pain fetish, or are passionate about a strange hobby ask why? I think because we are considered so far out of the norm, not even as accepted as being gay, we tend to question ourselves too much. It feels good and makes me happy, that's it. I know my wife doesn't understand why, but if I don't know, then why should she?
Love all the replies, girls! Great stuff and great post!
Love the Eastern spirituality references especially. There are many tales and characters that represent the idea of paradox in Buddhist culture/symbolism.
As has been noted on this site before, the Native American culture had manifestations of cross dressing which seemed to be integrated into the fabric of society.
In dealing with living in contemporary culture, sure, maybe one can read the DSM IV, current literature, and contemporary paradigms and identify as being: a heterosexual cross-dresser? a transvestic fetishist? someone with gender identity disorder? Well, all of these have negative connotations on some level. I think most members of this site choose to celebrate our uniqueness and diversity. Maybe our culture will catch up some day.
I think it was Lewis Carrol who wrote: "For the Snark was a Boojum, you see."
I stopped asking why a long time ago. Now I can relate to Popeye when he says "I yam what I yam an' dat's all what I yam". I can live with myself knowing that I'll always be a cd, and can like myself for it.
I believe in the synesthesia theory for cross-dressing. It basically means that your cross-dressing is a result of the way your brain is hard-wired. When you cross-dress your brain interprets it as actual contact with a female. It is an example where stimulation in one sensory pathway creates a spontaneous, involuntary response in a second sensory pathway.
Your brain has two critical periods of synaptogenesis (periods where your brain makes neural connections). When you are about two years old your brain has its peak of synaptic connections and then through the learning process you experience neural pruning where certain connections are either broken or reinforced. A critical period is your early childhood, and a second critical period occurs with puberty. Your brain is hard-wired to release neurotransmitters when you cross-dress and these neurotransmitters are responsible for your sensations of well-being, pleasure, sexual gratification, and bonding. It affects the reward centers of your brain, instant gratification, and thus it mimics the addiction response.
The theory explains why every cross-dresser is unique, and why for some its about comfort, and others its about sexual gratification, etc. I could give you more details but I suggest you study brain childhood development, synesthesia theories, neurotransmitters like dopamine and oxytocin, and more.
No, you cannot stop your brain from releasing neurotransmitters, but some people believe they can reprogram their brain.
Seems to me when we ask 'why' we are as we are, we're really looking for a specific cause and effect. The problem we all run into, of course, is that the cause seems to vary a lot. Some say they were dressed up by a sibling or parent, others that their mother was distant or missing, many relate that around puberty they became fascinated or excited by a piece of clothing, and finally, in our overly reductive age, there is much talk about genetic variations or hormone washes or some such thing. And yet, with all this speculation, we seem never to arrive anywhere - the question of why is not answered. It isn't that these reasons aren't true, often they are, it's just that at some level they don't really answer that 'why' question.
Maybe it can be looked at from a larger perspective. For instance, physically, we know that the base model for humans is female. It is not news that males need to go through a process of both physically and mentally separating from mother/females. Psychologists have recognized this for decades. Many older/ancient cultures also recognized this issue and dealt with it by creating initiation ceremonies which would help take adolescent males from childhood (and connection with mother) into a new reality as a man. This type of initiation is not readily available in modern society; our culture is not wired that way. Other ancient Polytheistic cultures made available the possibility to worship a Goddess versus the current Monotheistic God worship that we take for granted. Can we say that in some sense cross-dressing is not a worshipful activity? Seems to me that at least some of time it is most definitely worshipful; so maybe the 'why' of cross-dressing is about worship - who knows.
None of this is an answer but it is a recognition that humans are variable with different needs and that we need outlets for that variability. Carl Jung once said that the "Gods have become diseases". I'm not an expert but I assume he meant that the variability of psychological states was once recognized by the personification of such feelings into deities, yet in modern times such personification no longer exists and so these needs/feelings become more like diseases. What I'm trying to convey is that while I don't have an answer as to 'why' - it is possible that the question may be a lot broader than we normally consider.
So that was Buddha who said that, huh?
Anyway, the therapist's job...is not to answer life's unanswerable questions. Mine once, early in our sessions, asked me what I thought the purpose of therapy was. My answer "to make me happy again" (in spite of a painful divorce). Her response was, "no, that's not the purpose at all. It's to help you accept reality."
Similarly, it's not the therapists job to tell you what you are, nor why you are the way you are. Their job is to help you accept yourself for what you are. To accept and live with your reality.
The other thing...the "why" is for the time being inaccessible as anything other than speculation. Perhaps some day there will be a definitive battery of genetic tests or a personality profile that will yield reliable answers to why...but even with such an answer, your still left with the task of living with your reality.
[QUOTE=Isha;3420175]Hi all,
as it seems to be a red herring because there doesn't appear to be one answer. /QUOTE]
It is in our nature to inquire. it is what many scientists say that this is one element that sets us apart from the rest of the animal kingdom. They also said that about tool making, but that has now been disproved a number of times. Imagine the people of science saying well" seems like a red herring" because we can't figure out how the earth developed and other planets didn't so let's just live with it and that's that. we have indeed discovered much about our little blue dot--not everything--but we will because we keep asking WHY. why is what moves science along. There is an answer to our question, but WE ourselves don't have the tools to answer it. If this were only happening on thoidy thoid avenue in Brooklyn, well maybe it was because someone ate rice krispies on Tuesday, but as a world-wide phenomenon, it has to have a more universal reason. We are frustrated that we can't come up with an answer but science will one day when it becomes important enough for society. For the fetishist, there are likely local answers, and that can be answered if that person is honest to themselves. For the masses who "just have the urge" to wear women's clothing, I'm betting it is biology and genetics. It can't be mass hallucinations, or mushrooms or ufos. The best answer right now to give to those who ask the question is: we don't know as of this moment" why we do this. For young children who feel they are the wrong gender, it will likely be proven to be genetic, our personal building blocks that make us unique even though genetically we are 96% the same as everyone else.
As for the Buddha, loving oneself should apply equally to all .
Brilliant Karen!
Hi everyone,
WOW . . . let a thread ruminate for awhile and you get such a great outpouring of comments . . . much thanks.
I was hoping that this thread would help those who are at a crossroads by providing a bit of insight into accepting yourself. While I agree that answering the "why" is important in the early stages of growth (we all do it and it is not just for CDing but life in general) acceptance of oneself is the surest way forward though.
Once again thanks very much to all who have shared and provided excellent responses, comments and guidance. :)
Hugs
Isha
Isha,
Perhaps when we are involved directly, it is too hard to separate the tree from the forest. Check out the book Start With Why by Simon Sinek.
Busker's post nailed it for me. I don't think that having peace of mind and still asking the "why" question are mutually exclusive. There are many things we don't know and there are things we know we don't know. While we worry about covering our bodies with certain pieces of fabric, other people worry about what the 95% of the universe we cannot identify can be made of. I accept that we probably won't find all "the answers" in my lifetime, but that doesn't mean I should stop asking questions.
Hi Isha, It's the same answer that I give people when they ask me why do I set by
the Railroad tracks all day with a camera and a radio scanner watching trains.
I just tell them,
" If I have to explain it to you, You probably wouldn't understand it anyway " .
I stopped asking myself Why a long time ago and i started living again . When i first told my wife about my crossdressing she ask me the why question and at that time i did not know the answer as time went on she ask me again and i told her it was a part of me that words just can't express i was'nt trying to hide any thing from her its just apart of who i am
Isha, I'm remined of the prayer that asks for the strength to change what I can change and to accept what I can't change and the wisdom to know the difference. When we admit that we can't change this part of us and accept it we can move on in our life to have a positive effect on those things that are within our ability to change.
I do agree that at a point in the future when many of the why questions of human behavior are answered, we might not like how some people would use that knowledge to change our behavior aginst our will. Be careful what you wish for!!
Hugs, Bria
Why? Why not?
Would you rather drink alone, or with friends?
Would you rather dress alone, or with friends?
Would you rather shop alone, or with friends.
Here are my reasons:
1. Validation
2. Showing off my style
3. Meeting people like me on an equal footing
As an example of the last point, if I'm meeting someone new FtF, I will only dress en femme if he will also. If things go south, I don't want to fight him off while wearing heels.
I have a good friend who is a CD. When we meet both in girl mode, we hug. Once we were both in boy mode as I was leaving, and we went to hug, as usual. But, it just didn't feel right in boy mode.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarisaRose.
have found these feelings to be true for me,Quote:
Originally Posted by ChristineNYC
but as one mentioned we ask this question about things from an early time-frame of our existence,
this has had me ask myself this, what if i dont like the answer,
so it could make it easier to know why, or it could make it worse, and i dont like that prospect,
easier to embrace it as i have recently done....
Why? Why not?
Would you rather drink alone, or with friends?
Would you rather dress alone, or with friends?
Would you rather shop alone, or with friends.
just hope someday doing these activities will be more socially accepted !!!!