What is best for you

Tina B, my thread was not a get back in the closet thread, or never come out thread. Not at all. We should be able to have some of what is us. We should be able to have all of what we are. For those on the TG scale that are TS or close to it, yes, they have to deal with not adjusting to a part of who they are, but all of who they are. And for some, they may have to choose to give up the life they started because they can't hold on to it anyway in a good manner. For them and for those in their lives, wives, kids etc etc, they may ultimately have to decide on accepting that their husband or father will no longer be that. And the TS person will have to accept that they started something they can no longer continue and will have to loose it.

For those who are considered CDers, They can and should highly consider individual circumstances when it comes to their wives, kids and other family members. They shouldn't hide who they are, I am not suggesting this. But, can they come up with compromises that allow for their individual expression yet still maintain all of the other aspects of their lives? For the CDer, how important is it all really. And I do think that sometimes, they are led to believe by some of what they see that should be an expectation of the family they have. The CDer comes out, especially after seeing some of the success stories of marriages and family members who are accepting and perhaps participating. The CDer who comes out should not expect that their situation should mirror the best of success stories, especially not in the beginning. Most women simply will never get to a point where they would prefer it, be turned on by it... Many will come to an acceptance of it, and within some reason participate or support it in other ways. So again, push so hard on your individual situation because of what a few select others are doing?? which could further weaken what is going on. Most women simply will never get to that spot. We can be selfish about it and have the take it or leave it attitude, and wind up losing more than we gain, since we are never going to transition or live full time anyway.

I'm lucky in a lot of ways. One of them is that I started CDing at age 55. The day we found Tina we were shocked at how little we knew about the reality of living in two genders. That led to the second lucky thing: I came here knowing nothing!

I was quickly overwhelmed and unbelievably impressed with the wonderful folks on this forum who were going out and about, how they did it, and what the many obstacles were. And Karren, you were one of the people I followed every time I logged on! I'm sorry for your situation and find you awesome at the same time!!!

This feeds into this thread because I never felt pushed or prodded by all the activity. I was here to learn, and there was plenty to learn! My wife and I discussed so many threads here to try to put my own situation into perspective. Using what I've read about here, and keeping a perspective on my lives has made the experience of Tina just fantastic!

GM,

As many are aware here, I have never been a believer in the "shame, shame" you need to come out to the world game. However, I am also a big believer in that we are responsible for our own choices in life and each is required to take stock before acting. If I applied a "just do it because others are" approach in my day job . . . well let's just say I would not be here writing at this moment. We can all provide advice, support, stories (good and bad) but this is from our perspective and what works for each of us will not always work for others. We are all big girls here and each of us has to take responsibility for the choices we make. Jumping to do something because you read about how well it went for others . . . just saying.

I have made choices in my CDing with the full involvement of my wife, family, friends and others around me. Were some of those choices the result of what I read on this site? Yes and I thank those who posted their insight. Did I just go and do it because it sounded like the thing to do? No, I thought about, applied it to my situation and then decided on a course of action.

"Selfish" is a bit of a harsh word to use IMHO. If a CDer has an urge to dress "en femme" and decides to hide that part for the "greater good" and she implodes emotionally at home the end result will most likely be the same . . . strain on the relationship, family, friends, work and potential harm to the individual to those around them. So I don't see those who progress to dressing and sharing that as being selfish. Selfish to me would be my wife saying "I don't mind Isha but when we go out I want boy you" (which she has) and me saying "F&%# that, it is Isha or you can go out by yourself" (which I have not).

Now granted I have not read every post but the ones I have read or written which talk about experiences out and about have never advocated "true selfishness". If I have written such a post, then I truly do apologize to all who have read it. I believe most gals (myself included) post because we had a feel good moment and are looking to share that with others . . . mutual support goes for the good as well as the bad. If we did not share our experiences of going out then what can we share?

The one thing you did say in one of your replies I do not agree with at all and IMHO it almost minimalizes CDing as more of a hobby . . . "For the CDer how important is it really?" . . . Seriously? How many CDers quit, purge then come back . . . that seems pretty important. How many CDers after much agonizing come out to family and friends only to loose them . . . seems pretty important to me.

Yes, by all means if you can find balance in your life by making it work to the best of your ability then do so as that is your choice. However, if some choose not to that is their choice as well. I would never wag my finger at people in the closet and say "come out, come out". In return, I would hope for the same mutual respect.

My two cents.

Hugs

Isha