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I cant speak proffesionally, but it sounds as if he is either selfish or confused. He is young and never being in a relationship has alot to learn.
If I was him I would be beyond myself. You sound like every crossdressers dream. An accepting lady who is willing to accept and participate in his life. WOW, heck now Im confused. :brolleyes:
This is a no brainer. He's a loser & you deserve much better. Dump the bum!!!
I remember being 18-years-old myself with my first serious partner and all of it's awkwardness. As others have said the issue really isn't so much as the cross dressing in an of itself, but your boyfriends awkward inexperience with everything alongside various embarrassing kinks you are probably not going to like. Had he been able to articulate and know his sexual limitations and communicate them in a mature way to you, it may have turned out somewhat better. But he's obviously not confident enough to do so.
So he's into hentai especially of the futanari persuasion. I'm not surprised from what you've written. The fact he's got porn on his phone certainly suggests to me a certain issue. I know from around the block a lot of couples have intimacy issues when most of their one partner's focus is on a specific kind of porn. My gut tells me he might have performance anxiety having had no prior sexual experience. I certainly did with my first partner.Quote:
Originally Posted by confused93
You've only been dating 7 months. It's kind of a whoop de do time frame in my book. His inexperience with relationships didn't tell him it's a good idea to be upfront about kinks, because they can be deal breakers for some people. As hard as they can be to disclose. If his kink needs are too uncomfortable for you, it would be best to leave.
If you wish to stay with him, it sounds like you both need to have a very long and candid chat about sex and kink in a very non-judgmental way. You yourself should probably think hard to whether it's worth all that work.
While I do not consider myself a fetish dresser, and do take some offense at the negative connotations being associated with trasngender porn and those who enjoy it, I can assure you it is possible to have a healthy sexual relationship with the RIGHT person, regardless of the situation. Notice I said the RIGHT person. I am very attracted to my wife and she me, regardless of what I am wearing, what position we are in, or who is doing the penetrating. We are right for one another, but I am not so sure about you and your BF. You should sit him down and tell him how you feel, if you two can then be honest with yourselves and each other, you may be able to decide if your relationship is worth saving or not.
And no the desire for anal sex does not make you gay, but my wife and I do make very good lipstick lesbians. lol
I'm really saddened to see so many in the community here so ready to throw the young man under the bus. :(
I'm another one who feels the boyfriend is very harshly being dogged, thrown under the bus etc. If in addition to everything you listed your boyfriend physically and emotionally abused you, used, Crystal Meth, Heroine, Crack, abused alcohol, had multiple kids with other women, cheated on you with another person. Sure break up with him now, and move on.
I'm going to assume he does not do any of those things listed, so please try and give him time to figure out and accept who he is. Self acceptance especially at 21 is a very hard thing for anyone. I'm almost 40 and I'm still having my own acceptance issues about where I actually am on the TG spectrum. So pleased be prepared to read through drawn out tale of my life during my life at 21. At 21 I believed I was not trans and lived life with belief of my sole purpose in life was to defeat this unholy monster inside of me which was my femme side by any means necessary. That meant being going into a completely male dominated, considered masculine occupation, lift weights, shave my head, have a big bushy mustache etc. I also was under the misbelief, that because I was still a virgin at 21 (not by choice either:o) that once I found a GG this god-awful side of me would be eliminated. Well once I met a wonderful GG at that time, my grand plan of girlfriend = no more cross dressing/etc did not go as planned. To my own horror what existed for a femme side at that time started becoming stronger. Yes I loved the woman I was dating at the time with a passion, but was still very confused/not accepting the person I actually was because this could not be. I was a GM, I now had the attractive GG friend, was supposed to start thinking about marriage, go to the top of my profession. Why dear God am is this other side of me not going away, and actually becoming stronger. Of course this started making me more irritable and more of a jerk to in the process. Long story short girlfriend had enough, broke up with me, I had to finally accept the fact that I might have wanted to be all 100% male but that was not the person I am, and I started down the path of accepting my femme side and allowing that side to grow to wear I'm at now.
So I will take a guess that your boyfriend is going through similar issues of trying to come terms with who he is. Continue to be patient and understanding, but also lay down a few rules about your needs, concerns etc. :2c:
I suspect that he is not being honest with himself. Part of that inability to confront himself and his sexual needs might be fear of what is unknown. At this stage there needs to be a completely honest discussion and to do that you both have to feel secure. I always feel that a good counsellor who has experience with cross dressing is worthwhile.
At his age I did not really understand who I was sexually and found all sorts of excuses to dismiss my cross dressing as just a trivial fetish. I was ignorant and fearful and I now look back and wish that I had the option to really confront "myself" and find out who I truly was.
I feel for you as you are going through a terrible emotional trauma. You need support too and I hope you find it.
It's really nice to know that I'm not the only one that had gone through this, and I think it's nice for my boyfriend to know the same. I did show him these posts, after we had a little bit to drink last night, (so I actually had the guts to do so) and he felt unsure and really hurt that some of you just automatically assumed it couldn't work, and I'm honestly hurt too. :/ I know the people who said it were just being honest, but I wasn't looking for people to tell me to break up with him, I need/needed advice on how I can accept it and try or attempt to make it work. We've agreed that we aren't gonna give this up, especially that easy. It's so easy to say "dump him" when you don't know the whole situation. I admit, I didn't give all the information about our relationship, just parts about our sex life. He is non abusive, has no addiction, and when we are together we click as perfect as a couple can.
The information that I've (or I should say we've) gotten from a few people, like @jjmetro, @mechamoose and @Cara Lacy especially, has already helped US so much. Although we have a long road ahead, we both have enough faith to try a little longer. I did let him know that it is okay to like what he likes, that I accept it, and love and adore him the same. I'd still like to hear opinions, and advice. And even though he is iffy about it, I do believe he'd like to also. I sent him the link to this thread, so if you have something to say personally, do so, he will get it. Thank you all again!
It isn't unusual for a crossdresser to be embarrassed about spilling his guts for the first time ever. It's hard, and there is a tendency to hold back. But since the cat is out of the bag, it's time for complete honesty, both for him and for you. That is, you shouldn't let him think "whatever floats your boat" if it really isn;t true, like his porn watching. But before you DTMFA, see if you can have an honest conversation. Sometimes "I don't know" is a real answer, and sometimes it's a cover for not wanting to tell the truth, all the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
I'm glad I could help. If you and/or your boyfriend have any other direct question and you would like my input or, more of my personal experiences, you are welcome to PM me.
Cara Lacey
@CaratheCD
she can't PM you until she gets 8 more posts. :)
Now Confused, try and read through the forum and get 10 posts so you can join the GG area. You will get the perspective of the women on here. Have your BF join so he (she) can discuss her worries and issues with us too Good Luck
To the boyfriend:
Most of us here are into some stuff thats out in left field. Never be embarassed about what gets you off. Its your life, so own it. You may benefit from being honest about your kinks and why you like them. This can bring clarity o your kinks so you can tell your girlfriend more clearly what and WHY your into certain things. Trannies and anime? I like tranny porn too, told my wife and didnt even blink. Why? Cuz no sense beating around the bush. Rejection is hard, and vunerability harder. Be willing to accept the first, and be brave enough for second.
To the confused girlfriend:
You sound like a trooper. He is lucky, alot of women arent. They are naturally gravitated to masculine energy and have problems feeling that energy after they see their man dressed. Also, if they bring dressing to the bedroom they arent comfortable since most are hetero and it makes them question their orientation. He has said he isnt gay, 90% of us dressers are straight. So i will offer the following from my own pov. I like to feel pretty sometimes. It makes me feel better about me. I like the shoes and dresses cuz they help me feel desired, wanted. Now im not an idiot. In no way do i resemble a woman, but the feelings are there all the same. Most men arent made to feel desired. Men are often the seducer and then women either accept or reject the advances of men. She simply signals she is willing and he proceeds. Nowwhere in there is a man made to feel sexy. So for me dressing allows me to feel that other side. Theres more to it, but sexually speakin that is the appeal. Ask him to explore gis thoughts and emotions while dressed, it will shed some light on his motivations. It did for me. Engage him in some meaningful dialogue while dressed. If he can get comfortable with his femme side, it may open up his masculine side. We humans are two sides of the gender coin, we dressers choose to explore both sides. I reject that gender is exclusive to man or woman, and we should express ourselves in whatever manner makes up happy. Help your boyfriend find that level of acceptance, you will bth be better for it
Confused.. I did not read all the posts. However, i did read many that suggested "dump him." I've been married forty plus years. Cross dressing is a part of MY life. It is NOT shared with my wife. It's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." Sex is a very important part of a love affair. It's a very private affair. If his needs can only be met with cross dressing that is NOT good for him and for you. I would discount the fact you are his first sexually active girl friend. He may be embarrassed. He may be confused. His entire sexual past may be consumed with cross dressing. He may need to be educated. The big issue is whether or not YOUR needs are also going to be met.
I'm sure many of the "dump him" responses are based on experience. Most of us men realize the life of a cross dressing male is not easy. Most of us have learned to respect the wishes of our wives. That means keeping cross dressing out of the bedroom, and, in most cases keep it private.
Sex is really nothing more than another way to communicate fondness for a person. It's sharing a feeling of exclusiveness. If that feeling is not being shared, well...there is no point in being with that person. Those who are saying "dump him" are doing nothing more than expressing the sentiment that living with a cross dressing man is not easy.
If your needs are not going to be met, you'll know when to end the relationship.
@confused93 - I'm really glad the two of you are trying to work through this. When it's worth it, two people can make many, many situations work. There are many successful relationships on this forum between crossdressing men and straight women. I hope you are both able to find your way through this together. Best of luck!
"I did show him these posts, after we had a little bit to drink last night, (so I actually had the guts to do so)"...
NOT the best plan ^^^ if you are looking to save or salvage the Relationship.
SERIOUS matters should be discussed with CLEAR minds even at 21.
NEWSFLASH: Gay men are not into (MTF) transsexuals or transsexual porn (also MTF obviously), because they're attracted to men or masculinity. Given the abundance of transsexual porn, it's a safe bet to say it's more of a heterosexual thing, if not typically heterosexual.Quote:
Originally Posted by tammie
THIS. This thread is unbelievably judgmental. Topic starter, you didn't really ask for advice in the first place but got loads of it anyway. One piece of advice from me anyway: be careful with 'advice' from complete strangers who don't have any stake in the outcome. Free advice is worth what you pay for it.Quote:
Originally Posted by PaulaQ
When one (some people) spends a great deal of time getting off on a certain fantasy, it can be hard to retrain the mind to respond to other stimuli.
welcome confussed, some here may never find clarity, some have...
a broken heart can come across as blind, yours does not seam to be broken as you have showed a vested interest in working with his "kinks", so it must be love,
my first time was not my best performance, hearing a GG say dont tell anybody about this is never good for the ego, so as some have said there are nerves, the clothes may be like a security blanket, many things he still does not have answers too, im a little shocked by some of the answers you received, were usually a pretty supportive bunch with the variations of our spectrum, and if your still willing to put in the effort buy all means go for it, your still young and its a relationship, some take more time to evolve than others and some just dont last as long as others, we humans are a fickle species, this relationship can certainly mature with time, but if its too much for you dont forsake a happy and healthy "normal" one because of the way you may "click" otherwise.
in your title you mention that he crossdress-es and a few other "problems".
most here dont feel the crossdressing is a problem, myself included, with a place like this to come to and feel normal makes all the difference in the world and if the other "kinks" (problems) are that to you i dont think it (the relationship) will last, but he should consider joining and seeing if we can help him understand where he may or may not be with his desire to do this thing we do, i dont think it will hurt, then consider seeing a professional also if you feel they can help.
just my opinion, it may be wrong......
you may want to get your ten posts in to have access to other areas of the forum. look around and search some threads.
I know that "THIS"-posts are usually downvoted into oblivion on sites like Reddit and such.. but a lot of stuff has already been said. I don't think I need to add a few paragraphs about how caution and communication should be used.
And while this is a friendly place for knowledge and support.. I had to pick up my jaw at my downstairs neighbour from reading some of the posts that were so quick and callous in advising OP to dump her BF. :eek:
So.. ⇊⇊⇊⇊ THIS!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zylia
I am also very saddened to see how some are really tearing this guy to pieces! I can really relate to him (mostly, not everything but mostly), there are people are very lonely and unable to attract a partner in life. Men learn at a very early age how to become turned on, he found his way to be turned on and has only had that way of being turned on his whole life. He is conditioned to respond that way, it is the only way he knows how to reach orgasm. It is like condemning a man for not being able to write with a pen using his toes instead of his fingers. This is not alone "selfish" behavior, no more than it is "selfish" for him not to be able to write his name using his left foot. He is under a tremendous amount of pressure and is probably feeling a lot of self doubt because he is having difficulty performing with a partner; he may be scared of losing you and never having a GG partner again (which is actually possible.)
Remember, his fetish has nothing to do with your attractiveness or your desirability as a woman. He learned this from a very, very young age, long before he ever met you. It is all he has ever had, it is all he knows. It may take him a very long time to recondition himself to be able to perform with a partner, but if the relationship is worth it and he really loves you, he will be willing to work at it. It will take a tremendous amount of patience to work with him. Believe me, he probably really hates himself for all of this and his inability to make you happy sexually.
I agree with Nadine. Your boyfriend was able to come to completion when he wore the dress (he only has that one dress?) and at this point, it is obviously not about crossdressing all the way to present as a female. Your boyfriend may perhaps be accustomed to getting off when solo with the help of trannie-porn and it may be difficult for him to transfer his sexual energies to you.Quote:
Originally Posted by Nadine Spirit
This is not all that different than any guy who becomes used to getting off on any type of porn, to the degree that he has difficulties with completion with a real female partner. This is actually a rather common and growing issue:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...-contribute-ed
If you're interested in a more scientific explanation, follow the links in the link below:
http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=2.0
I'm sure that your boyfriend does want to be sexual with you and it is no doubt distressing for him to be reacting this way. I suggest you both become thoroughly familiar with the articles I've posted above. You can take what you feel fits your circumstances and leave the rest. And as was suggested earlier, perhaps find a sex therapist who can help.
Here is an account of a 28 year old who got beyond this. Granted his fetish wasn't CD-related and the extent that he watched porn might be extreme, but honestly I believe the principles are the same:
http://yourbrainonporn.com/book/export/html/490
On a last note, many people in this forum have moved beyond the sexual aspect of the crossdressing and they now dress for reasons of comfort or for identity reasons, even if they are not transsexual. They may be quick to point out that your boyfriend may also have it in him to eventually want to present fully as a woman and experience femininity. But even if he does, he will still need to move beyond the stage he is in right now, and separate the crossdressing from it's purely sexual nature. This obviously is especially important if he wishes to have any intimacy of a sexual nature with you.
You guys are young, you are still figuring out who you are inside.Quote:
Originally Posted by ReineD
I'd suggest that because you love each other, try and remember that you are both still figuring things out, and you don't really know the way or the method to becoming who you will eventually be. Allow yourselves the room to explore who you are... Sometimes you will take bad paths, but mistakes happen.
Just remember who you are to each other, and at the end of the day that you will be sleeping next to each other.
Good luck you two!!
- MatronMoose
Confused and BF. I hope u didn't misunderstand my earlier post?
I did NOT suggest that u 2 break up. What I said was, "WHEN u break up".
Because of your ages and experience, I stand by my prediction. Altho, I would be THRILLED to be proven wrong------
When u get to be half my age? You'll understand!
Sounds to me like his inexperience is the biggest problem. He hasn't learned to have sex with a partner. As for the porn, it could be easily be fantasy.
I had a similar late start, and had difficulty climaxing with my lady until I learned how to use my tool. I had this mistaken notion that I had to go deep for her pleasure. I found that shallow thrusts worked better for both of us for the climax. So like many things in life an attempt for balance is needed. My apologies if I'm mistaken, or too lewd.
It seems obvious that many young guys are easy prey for the parasitic porn industry, since they grew without a successful real world sex education nor relationship building counseling.
If he did not become too selfish yet, you may be able to touch his heart when telling how much you were upset when he got off on a dress, then you can set a new rule that all sex shall only take place with both of you totally naked, and preferably with a large mirror in the bedroom, so he is forced to see the real deal happens between two human beings so much more warm and alive than a textile accessory or 2D motion pictures of twisted, faked relationships.