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Hey Kristyn and others as well,
according to my observations, there are two types of girls (or people generally) - ones who get it, and ones who dont. Had one GF, she did what she could, told me shes all rite with it etc. I felt she wasnt and I was right. She is ex now, the current one asks for my CD self and looks forward to see her :D
What im saying is that its up to her now, all U can do is be honest with her and your dressing, she is the one to accept it or not.
Seems we either tell or get caught. Telling has it's downside, but I can imagine if I "caught" my wife at something it would be worse. Here's this person I thought I knew. I loved them and trusted them completely. Then, I discover they have a secret life with secret friends and secret contacts that meet at secret places and on secret forums. They all conspire directly or indirectly to keep it from me. Deceit, and lots of it. The nature of it (another man, another woman, a radical animal rights activist, etc.) would likely be less the emotional issue for me than dealing with a broken trust and feeling so stupidly naive that it went on and I hadn't a clue.
That, then, is the essence of what you now face. Time, communication, understanding will all help. However, the innocence found in an unquestioning trust is forever gone. My hope is you heal all that can be healed, and learn from this too. Keep us posted.
So I did send that e-mail at her request, I kept it about our relationship, no real mention of CDing, just us.
She read it without sending a reply. We spoke on the phone that night and she said it was a very nice message, but I could sense the rose garden wont be blooming anytime soon.
She is upset, as many have mentioned, the deceit, and lack of trust are driving her emotions.
So we've talked a few more time since. She asks for me to help her understand, I asked her if she had any particular questions.
She said no, she just wants to understand everything. Where do I start with everything? The conversation went quiet, and she asked for another e-mail. and we said goodbye.
I sent another e-mail, not knowing where to start, I started at my beginnings, and wrote her my story.
I'm hopeful that will show some openness, maybe get some questions flowing.
Any other ideas on how to get her to understand it? I don't know that she will join the forum, she may be open to meeting people.
Thanks again for everyones well wishes, and kind support.
Much Love,
Kristyn
Hi Kristyn,
I am feeling for you. A couple of years ago my SO decided I was having an affair, based on my reluctance to et her see what I was doing online. When she accused me I had only one unfortunate choice...to come out as CD on the spot...no thought behind it, no preparation. It was difficult to say the least. If you are anything like me you have been dealing with (denying...accepting...denying...hiding...acceptin g again--and wondering why you have them) your feelings since childhood.
This is part of who you are, and whether she knows it or not, is part of what your wife fell in love with. My advice is to open up, describe who you are and what you have always been, whether she was aware of it or not. There will be a lot of questions for sure...'Aren't I enough?...Do you want to be a woman?...Are you gay?...and more' Answer honestly and stress that this is not something that 'happened last week', but has been a part of you since whenever. Commit your devotion to her again. And ask what will it take to move forward on what we both wanted in the beginning.
Hope this helps,
Hugs,
Trish
I am an advocate of disclosure from the very beginning. In this case it's not an option. I would do with the emails and have some face-face discussions. There are benefits to email or written letters because they can communicate without emotion. Similarly they can also be perceived different than the author's intent because it is emotionless and may be taken in the wrong context.
You are in a difficult spot and I wish you the best. You might try to meet to have a discussion over lunch of something in a neutral place. Find a private area in a public venue. A walk in the park could do the trick.
Kristyn - starting at the beginning seems like the right thing to do - not that you have any other option really... :hugs:
You're right about openness now, and as has been said countless times before, any SO is now trying to absorb what for us is a virtual parallel lifetime, for those of us who started young - with all the accompanying confusion, misunderstanding, and impossibility to explain to anyone just 'why' it is what it is...?
Take your time - take it slow and just keep talking, writing, talking, writing... :)
Katey x
I wish you all the best Kristyn. May the outcome you get be the best for all concerned
Mel
I feel you can still work this out you need to take it slow and give her space but you also need to give her what she request like the email. Just stay postive and remind her you are atill the person she feel in love with and that your feelings for her are as strong today as thay ever have been
Hi Kristyn-
Sorry this is the way it came about. In my opinion, you are now dealing with two issues. One, being the crossdresing, and the second being the deceit.
With the crossdressing she appears to be open about it. But the more you reveal to her about it, the more obvious it becomes on how deep the deceit went.
With the deceit, you need to lay all of your cards on the table and be completely honest. I agree with Jennifer though in that you need to try and keep it concise. To us cross dresser the need for deceit is obvious, the fear of consequences is quite real and quite intense. But in tellng her that, you are telling your wife that you have been too afraid to trust her. It brings about the question of how can she trust you now.
I think you can rebuild that trust, by actually trusting her. Tell her about all of you. Everything. Let her have access to every bit of your life for her to examine the evidence herself. Focus on repairing the damage from the loss of trust and I think you have a heck of a shot at salvaging this.
Best of luck to you sweetie. I really hope for the best for you two.
I keep telling everyone on here honesty and true feelings between a wife and husband is the only way to find true love. You will not have to hide anything and they will accept you for who you are. My wife was told from the first date that I had a love for makeup and silky things. I've never had a problem. Honesty works, but remember if your not honest at first the change you show them later will be multiplied numerous times over later. It's better to be up front about every thing and if they can't handle that then it was never meant to be. You need to go see her and just lay it all out on the table and tell her that you love her more than anything and that for her you will do anything but you you really would like to work this out. Be honest and women can feel when one is pouring out their heart to them. They do so with each other and will do the same for the men they love. You make the choice and lay everything out and she will accept it or not. Do not hide anything. I'm only speaking from my experiences and what has worked for me. We all have different opinions on what's right but you follow your heart towards her but be honest in your heart and hope she will be sensitive enough to pick up on that.
That is a really rough way for your wife to find out.
All you can do now is beg her forgiveness. If you can get across to her that the reason you didn't reveal yourself was that you were afraid of losing her, that might help. Unfortunately, I don't think there's much else you can do than wait for her decision.
PM sent.
Love you, Sis
Hugs
Sammie
sorry, been there don't put in a email any thing that can be used against you.
Before I write anything else, I think we should address one thing when this happens to others here (and it's not if, it's when). Do you want your relationship to survive. Because more relationships survive infidelity than crossdressing (got that from my therapist, it's not just a guess). A woman will forgive almost anything....even a one off sex with another woman....before she'll be able to handle the idea of her man no longer being 'all man'. How many times have we read or heard a woman stand by her man no matter what horrible things he's done, murder, beating her, stealing, embezzlement, etc, with the simple explanation, "But, I love him!". Love between a man and a woman is strongly linked to sexual attraction, and once that's gone, the romantic desire will usually soon follow, followed by the love. Then all she will have left for you in her heart will be anger. And then it's over. So, sometimes it may be better to lie once again, and tell her the lesser of two evils, admit to a one off unfaithful episode rather than change her entire image to herself of who and what you are. I'm not saying it's the best solution. But it is a solution. Then you will have to get on with either finding a way to quit, or become much better at hiding your female 'life' from her. Because, as we continue to see, the chances of finding a woman who really likes a guy who crossdresses, is virtually nil. I'm not saying it doesn't happen; there are men on this board who are proof otherwise. But there are just as many lottery winners out there as men here who have accepting wives.
Well, I'll start off by saying that your experience is very much the same as mine was, oh, 16 years ago. I hope by now you've figured out why you crossdress, because if you don't, how can you get her to? Just saying you like to feel pretty, without any explanation of what's going on underneath, isn't going to cut it, she'll just probably automatically go the gay/TS assumptions, and really, there isn't any argument you can give her. All you can do is hope she'll put up with it. If you just go with 'I was born this way', again, she'll see gay/TS, because there's no rational reason that a straight guy wants to dress and behave as a pretty girl; at least, none that a normal woman will like to hear. I won't suggest begging, because that didn't work for me; I tried offering everything I could to my ex, promised her the moon. Didn't work. Pick your plan and roll the dice. And hope that you don't crap out. Oh, and plan for the worst; if you have joint bank accounts, they may be emptied, the locks may be changed, oh and don't implicate yourself in ANY wrongdoing in the typewritten word that could get you arrested. What you are in now is full damage control mode. Don't expect anything good from this; if I'm wrong, then you'll be pleasantly surprised. If not, you'll at least be prepared.Quote:
Originally Posted by Hell on Heels
Edit: I know that the women here will be absolutely furious with me for writing this, that 'honesty is always the best policy'. Well, not for us. Because there simply aren't enough women out there for us. Not even close. We're not evil. Well, not most of us, anyway. We're honest, hard working men who have something about us that women can't accept. Much like a physical disfigurement; we didn't choose it, we have to live with it. So when I advocate deception, it's in the interest of love, because since I split with my ex wife 16 years ago, I've found out exactly how much I miss the love. Not the sex. We can fulfill our own sex drive. But you can't get love and affection from anyone else but another person. And for most of us, when we're up front with being crossdressers, we'll never be loved again. And that hurts more than you can possibly imagine, looking at a possible 50 to 80 years of being alone. And no, dating men is not an option (at least for about 80% of us). So once again, I will apologize for being someone who advocates deception, but remember this: No one tells their mate EVERYTHING. It would be impossible. We omit things we believe to be unimportant, or not important that she know. Women do this as well. We use our best guess, and do the best we can. That's all we can do. And in the end, it IS better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all. That, I am absolutely sure of.
Every relationship is unique. We cannot know what is best for someone else, only the course that we believe is best for ourself. For me, and only me, I tried deception both deceiving my wife and myself. I may yet lose her, but now I like myself a lot better. And I no longer carry fear with me as a constant companion.
I cant add too much to what has already been said. There is no template answer or easy solution. Human behaviour, emotions and feelings are unique to us all and its all just SO complicated. Either disclosure or being found out its a hard call and a common discussion.
Wish you and your SO all the best Kristyn.
I agree....for many it is the deceit that takes the longest to get over. Just keep answering her questions.....keep telling your truth and if she wants to understand more invite her here.....and if I can help let me know. Best WishesQuote:
. In my opinion, you are now dealing with two issues. One, being the crossdresing, and the second being the deceit.
Keep talking in a one on one situation.
Only email to make appointments.
I feel for you, really. Telling my SO was the hardest thing ever. As with many here, first it was fine, then many questions, then feeling the fool. Eventually we came to terms. Hold steady and let her know what she means to you. I don't think I can tell you anything that you don't already know. Good luck Kristyn.
*Don't read my response if you don't want to hear potential bad results / a devil's advocate response*Quote:
Originally Posted by Jenniferathome
While I agree with a lot of the people's suggestions... I hate to do this but my single over-analytic life puts me thinking of other paths.
1: while together before she left there was a bit of an understanding that occurred. Things were somewhat more peaceful.
2: She leaves for the other place. And all of a sudden there's another insecurity or big bit of accusation.
She asks for email.
This is (to me) an alarm in 2 ways. Emails are _not_ personal no matter how much passion, etc you put into it. It's a disconnection, it's a way for one to distance themselves away from the "love" or caring side a relationship entails and go pure analytical...which frequently cannot be easily added to the "process". It takes talking. It takes face-to-face.
Going email allows her to have _only_ her emotions boiling on her side, and you having your emotions on your side...and never are they truly meeting and truly being seen by each other.
She gets to read facts and more easily not truly see the impact on the partner or how sincere the partner is.
Then add to that, the capability of people to research and find all the tons of "bad" information and lies on websites out there put in place by haters to destroy husbands...and you get more of an "ease" of the person to distance further from true communication and decide a drastic route. Unless both of you truly discuss this, with emotion, and not run to impersonal things as texts and emails... I don't think it will advance as well. It's not to say it can't.. but relationship work takes good emotional handling on both sides. Cutting the emotional part sounds great for legal senses...
and unfortunately, if I read further possibly into MissHyde's comment, that's another aspect of email.
An Email can be an outright legal proof of an issue to form all sorts of grievances with if taken into courts, or potentially (if the ex or wife was mean enough) to blackmail with (e.g. you give me custody of kids or this will end up outing you to everyone at work, friends, etc etc).
Now I don't know specifics of her job,etc. You did state she was the breadwinner.
But it sounds like how a businesswoman or lawyer would handle some of this..keep the emotion away. Go for logic. Unfortunately that aspect of logic-only can kill regular marriages and relationships to lawyers and such frequently. (know personally of a lawyer that's D'd 3 times, and blew up 2 relationships all because of his control and "logic" beats the heck out of any "love" aspect in his family.)
Anyways, you've already gone the email route..I do hope it works out. I can tell you love her.. and like a majority of us CDers love is not the missing thing. It's what happens when there is a shut off or reduced full (informational and emotional) communication that things go bad. Or she takes the lies and mis-information to extreme levels from the hater websites.
Best of luck and good wishes to both you and your wife Kristyn.
Edit: aaand I only now realized how far back this thread originated. (haven't been paying attention too well to foums). Anyways, saw some follow-up threads and how there's been more communication.
So I'll shut up now and again just send both of you best of wishes.
Full disclosure is best. But here's how my situation worked out. When I came out to my wife eight years ago, she demanded to know why I hadn't told her the truth a long time ago. I thought about this long and hard, and realized that I hadn't been truthful with myself for decades...so how could I be truthful to another person? That is the long and short of it...I lied to myself for so long. I finally explained this to my wife, and she understood. Years of repression and denial. Don't be too hard on yourself.
Kristen....WOW! Ive been away for a few weeks...will send you a pm