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My Dad was immature and a bit selfish too, and I wasn't able to talk to him much face to face, but in situations like yours with your Dad, I'd have been able to write a note, to say whatever needs saying. Or even several notes.
By the way, I haven't gotten to dress either for several months. I'm looking for an easy way out of an uncomfortable life, but haven't found it yet, though the discomfort hasn't been greatly unbearable as of yet.
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Thanks for all the posts, critical, and consoling. I suffer bi polar disorder, and a nervous disorder, and i have a roller coaster life. It does not help , in spite of meds, and some counselling, exercise. I am largely a repressed loner, with so many songs never sung. Dressing up has been an expression of my artistic side. I tend to be deep[ly feeling like a sensitive lady, but with a Daniel Boone side! A total enigma head case! My dad says he was on the front lines in WW@, but in the past, said he was behind the lines, guarding German prisoners, or on the Italian border, after Italy was already liberated. He was alcoholic too, totally self obsessed. I see that in my too, awfully self centered. If i was to appear before my dad all dolled up, he may have a fatal heart attack!!! He always talked about tall long legged women only, and he would initially be awestruck, but when he would find it was me, he may throw up!!!! My sister would have a cow, too. Not going there! I have to realize that his mother spoiled and worshiped him, and he has said he should have been there more for his parents,(instead of his wife and kids, of course). I have felt like taking him out of commission, many times, over 45 yrs, since teenage years. But, is damned hard as it is to admit, i am a hell of a lot like him!! It is said, that we hate in others, what is really the same in us. Yep, I hate the anti social, judgmental loner in him, and that is a part of me, too. But, i have striven to overcome that toxic part of me, but still suffer being a loner, with few if any friends. I once had dozens of friends, but moving back here, made it hard, as this is not a friendly area for outsiders, and old bachelors, let alone crossdressers. Rednecks mostly. Well, the last two nights, my sister and i sit and watch tv with him, mostly old Andy Griffith shows, which i always like to watch. It went well. But, I must realize that he is senile now, too, though it took much longer for him to get there, than the masses of men! I am glad that my toxic , harsh brother is returning in three days, to take my place, and i can stay away a lot more! I was not sure i could get through this six weeks. I sure lost all desire to dress, for a while. I really believe now, that all couples, straight or gay, should get plenty of sound counselling before jumping into marriage. My parents ought not to have married, nor had any highly unfortunate damaged children! I had to rant, folks. Sometimes, it is rant, or do something terribly rash, or fatal. Most of this crap is my human father's fault, but some is mine, and my siblings. and my mother;s too. She was a registered nurse, did not like horses, working around doctors , and professionals, but gave into marrying an alcoholic saddle tramp loner. Maybe good for a movie or novel, but not a healthy life, or family. Like a wise one said, this world. history is written in blood, sweat, and tears. And, it is amazing, this world does not flood itself in the tears of the hurting.
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Alice ,
I'm sorry you feel you've followed in your father's footsteps, I vowed to do the exact opposite and stuck to it ! On one occasion I was talking about dad saying how little support I had from him ! My mum turned and said, " Well it didn't do you any harm, did it ? " End of conversation but mum was frightened of him !
I hope your brother relieves you of you burden for the time being and you find time for Alice again !
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Teresa, I tend to be too hard on myself, like some on here. I did strive to be different from my father, but there is still a little of him in me. I actually played guitar and some silly songs i wrote, in front of 300 people a few times! He hates being around people, mostly. I am a lover of music. He never liked music. I like to fish. he hates fishing. I guess i am quite different, but, there still is that little bit of him in me. I must remember, that there is a little good in everyone, and a dark side. I think. It is the anti social negative traits of his, i try to overcome.And some of my own not so good traits, I need to stop and change. I lost my mom in 2012, but she was almost 100% unaware of me, for years, with severe Alz. I will be sad, and cry some when he dies, but also be relieved. I hope for the world to come, because this world is hell.
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Many years ago an elderly work colleague said to me "Always remember that children owe their parents nothing at all. Children don't ask to be brought into this world. On the other hand, parents have a duty to help and support their children to the best of their ability for life.". I think he had a very good point there.
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Alice, after reading this thread, these are my two cents (I won't offer an opinion on what to do with regards to your father) - if what I say helps, that's great, if it doesn't, that's fine too.
First, and it sounds like you already know this, but I think it's worth saying: give yourself credit for your good qualities and the things you do right. You are trying hard not to be like your father, and I don't think you seem like a self-centered person. If anything, you put the needs of others before your own. Life is hard, life with bipolar disorder has got to be so much harder. Keep in mind the sacrifices you have made despite your difficulties.
My other point is that it is okay to put your own needs before those of others. That doesn't make you selfish. What Kathy said in the above post was smart. In fact, you are not responsible for the happiness of any other adult. While it's good to help others, you have to take care of yourself first. (Kind of like what they say in the saftey message on airline flights, put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others.) This was something I had to learn when I was struggling most with my depression - it was so bad I was in daily treatment for a while last year - I used to be very down on my myself and thought I had weak character and was selfish - and I still struggle with negative feelings about myself. Probably my parents contributed to this by always telling me that they made so many sacrifices for me, etc. etc., and why wasn't I more grateful, why wasn't I living up to my potential? They're good people but they say very hurtful things when they're angry - a tendency I unfortunatley seem to have learned from them. I learned, though, that in fact I tended to ignore my own needs and always did what others thought I should do. Learning that I could disagree with my parents and ignore their opinion, or put my needs before those of my family, without it being disrespectful, was a big step forward for me.
Those are my thoughts. Good luck and stay strong.
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Alice, My heart goes out to you. I have an employee that took care of his wife much as you are doing for your father and know how hard it is on the caregiver even if there is a loving relationship. I can see that even though your relationship with your father is not good, you still did may a great sacrifice to help care for him. There must be a small thread of love there. Sometimes we do what we really don't want to do because we know that it is the "right thing to do." I hope that in the future you can look back and be glad that you did care for your father even though it was a difficult and unrewarding task.
I will remember you in my prayers!
Hugs, Bria
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Move to a different state and forget him. You've paid your dues, it's time to start living your own life.
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Try to be strong and patient before you end up the sick one. In my family and wife's family when someone needs something, with all the other kids, I am the call to guy, I try to always be the better person and hope someone is watching over me and give me strength and health. At the end of the day we are always doing the right thing and most of all take care of yourself first.
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It's great to help people, Alice. It's a very creditable thing to do. However, if they become reliant on your good nature you have to start to put your foot down gently but firmly. After all, if things got serious and you were needed in an emergency what use would you be if you were emotionally shot to pieces? Where would the strength be when it was needed? We all need some "ME" time. It's not selfishness, just good life planning.