The reveal trap

My experience was an early but slow reveal. I was OK with it but after a few years when he began to accelerate and expand his dressing it got a little more complicated for me. Maybe he was in the pink fog - not really sure to see if he has come out on the other end of that since things didn't work out between us. CDing wasn't really a factor in that though.

I would say that if she can't accept it early on (and by early on when you both decide that this is a relationship you want to pursue long term) then she won't be able to accept it later. Having said that she may stay even if she doesn't accept for many reasons, but there will likely be constant resentment that you led her into something under false pretenses and quite possibly "trapped" her with children and other obligations.

How would you feel if your wife married you with the knowledge that you wanted children more than anything, then after years of trying she reveals she was told before you were married that she couldn't conceive, but hoped they were wrong? It may not be a balanced comparison but I know more than one man this happened to, even a man who neglected to tell his wife he had had a vasectomy. The feelings afterwards varied between understanding to devastation, much the same as a reveal will be.

You don't know what her reaction will be but to go into a marriage without providing this information is just plain selfish and unfair. She has the right to know what she's getting into and make her own informed decision.

After 43 years married I can tell you that the "early" reveal has only had a spotty benefit. In an argument about my crossdressing I have always been able to say, "I told you years before we married." "You used to play with my dress up games." For years she let me hang with the girls at Connecticut Outreach Society and even let me Go to Fantasia and First Event. In a spirit of trying to do right I purged and went back into the closet until last year. When I came out she was not as forgiving. It was like I had failed her. I have to try and find compromise because she will be retiring soon and my weekly dressing at home could be seriously curtailed. I don't think I could suffer not being myself every now and then. However, with 3 children, 7 grandchildren and a 43 year marriage on the line, I do not want to make this the line in the sand. There has to be a compromise somewhere.

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Originally Posted by Jenniferathome

I agree with your final point. Earlier is better even though I came out more than two decades after I was married. I think of all the years of stress simply because I was afraid.

That stated, don't assume that the longer the hiding the longer it takes to accept. My wife was surprised and adjusted to it in days. For me, the key dependency is the trust in the relationship. Hiding this violates a trust. But it if your relationship is solid in every other way, it's one that can be adjusted to fairly easily. The caveat is that cross dressng can't be all consuming. If it is just a piece in your life, it would s easily manageable.

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I told my wife about twenty years in as well. She was surprised as well. Perhaps she realized that the cross dressing was a part of who I am, the person she loved and without it, I would be a different person. I'll ask.

Stephanie,
That sounds familiar, apart from being fully out !
Forty years of marriage, two children and three grandchildren and wife due to retire in about two years time !
We have to sit down and really talk it through, I can't keep hiding behind curtains any more !

There are really only a couple of reasons to be out and thus tell a partner early on:
1. A life in the closet is a life that is fundamentally a lie. I'm not talking about to other people - they helped create this mess. The hell with them. No, what matters is we lie to ourselves. We don't live authentic lives in the closet. We can't be ourselves, and that robs us of our lives! THEY don't get to live your life - they have no say in it. Why do you give them such power over you? They don't deserve or appreciate it.

2. Being out as trans is hard sometimes. I won't lie about that. Indeed, those of us who are out get murdered or commit suicide in truly alarming numbers. A lot of us will hold vigils over the next week for those trans who were slaughtered by a cruel and uncaring world. But - the more we hide, the easier it is for others to view us as subhuman and worthy targets of violence. The consequences of being out keep many of you in hiding. And yet, if you don't stand up and fight for your right to simply be whom you are, no one else will fight for you either.

Look - I don't have to be out. My voice is pretty good, I look fairly passable now, and I'll look better in the coming couple of years. I could go stealth, and return back to the closet. I choose to be out because I'd rather die while living life on my terms than exist in the horrible living death that characterized my life before. My life is fuller and richer now than ever before. Yeah, I lost stuff. A lot of stuff. Relationships, material possessions, friendships. Yeah, it hurt like hell, and I know I'm one of the lucky ones. Still, I've gained more than I ever lost - because what I have in my life now is REAL.

Thank you everyone for your responses. It is a touchy subject for many. Myself included. I wish I had the courage to be myself and not put myself or my wife through this.

For Melissa and Teresa especially, After a long time and then a reveal, or a long time without any communication on it, it is obviously so difficult. I would only remind you both, that she hasn't packed her bags because of it.....

It isn't just our wives that need counseling! We do to, or at least some way for us to get help in our own acceptance, or in learning how to deal and live in a life where this is no longer just our own little secret. HOW to compromise, how to accept our partner's limitations with this, how to express to them what we need and desire in a way which does not cause relationship harm.

It is only further obvious to me with those who talk of difficulties after many years of a non reveal, and even of ones who have early on of the trap. How we CDers get pulled into it. By our wish to be non CDers and or TG.... to the thought that we could control it. (we are told we can if we want to or try hard enough, it is a mental sickness after all) ( or so we are told)

To the later revealers, there is more than just your dressing and or your now disclosed femininity that your partner is now dealing with. While we CDers have an increased fem side, Most of us cannot truly get inside a GG's brain and understand how a lie or an omission effects them, myself included. Even if we get it somewhat, what a woman feels from this goes so far beyond the dressing. And the dressing alone is a major challenge besides. They are being hit with two bricks to the head at once, although I truly believe the one about the non disclosure hits harder.

To those who have lived many decades without revealing, I am not going to advise you at this time to disclose. Although if you truly feel the need you should. perhaps it is just time for you. To just do so because it is the "right" thing to do, no, I do not feel this way, personally. I was set to take my secret to my grave when I asked my wife to marry me. That may be the case for some of you. Although I chose to out myself, my choice to accept her difficulties, and the compromises of less dressing time, for her to not participate in it are my way of acknowledging my mistake, my fear I had and my unfairness of not disclosing. She didn't know all about me. But, I want to stay with her so I will adapt. Not even adapt really, but to maintain much of my life as it had always been anyway. Now, I actually have more than I did before.

I don't know about that. I never revealed my dressing for better almost 40 years of marriage and it has been good for the past 8 years. But then all woman arn't the same as my wife. I think her and I are ment to be from day one.:hugs:
Angie

Angie that is remarkable. I do not mean this in any way bad. 40years of of not a reveal, remarkable for you to go that long and survive. remarkable for her to go that long and accept. truly remarkable. Love is such a great thing.

As a GG, I don't understand why the conversation here so often centers around "keeping this lifelong secret" or "revealing it."

To me, it makes sense to think of it more as a minor interest which evolves. If it were as intense in one's twenties, one wouldn't be able to hide it so successfully for years and years.

So why treat it as this big unchanging secret, when obviously you have changed to need to CD more, and more openly?

If I were you, I would admit early on to a minor fetish for women's lingerie (or whatever). Then in your 40s or 50s, when the need becomes more demanding, the stage is already set to admit that you find yourself evolving and now you need more. That's no guarantee that she'll be enthusiastic, but then it's not like you were keeping this huge secret from her. It's just that you evolved (which is no one's fault), and you hope to still be compatible enough to stay together.

So much written here chimes with my own history... Married in 1975 and I knew the I loved hosiery and lingerie but it was a guilty secret, it's just me. Back then it was in the bad old days even before homosexual activity was made legal between consenting adults. It certainly wasn't something I was going to own up to in a hurry. For years I continued to dabble, wearing my wife's clothes when she was out and if her parents were away and their cats needed feeding there was the attraction of my mother-in-law's large collection of nylon and satin lingerie to explore after the cats were done.

And so it might have continued but for the advent of the internet. This led me to the realisation that far from it being "just me" there were thousands out there...wow! That was an outstanding revelation to me. And in talking to others on the web I realised I needed to "come clean". I waited months for an opportunity - it came almost 26 years into the marriage and, as I have described elsewhere, that revelation was a disaster. Whilst it may have salved my conscience it did absolutely nothing to make it easier or more acceptable. A further 5 years on with no significant progress a number of factors came together and, for me, the whole fabric of the marriage tumbled. That was encouraged by a "love at first sight" meeting with a lovely young lady who was left in no doubt whatsoever about my proclivity for dressing in womenswear - she knew from our first date.

Sadly, it went wrong and partly because my ladylove, who lacked self-confidence, felt threatened by the other woman in me, even though that was before I really explored it in depth - and well before Michelle. Now she is much more comfortable with it and we still see each other occasionally - sometimes I am Stephen , sometimes Michelle - and we both have regrets.

I am back with my wife now, she tolerates Michelle, sometimes joins in with clothes selection but is not turned on by it at all. I try to moderate my activities but I love my home alone time when she is away. I have two daughters who both found out at the time I left - I had wanted to tell them back in 2001 when I came clean but my wife was adamant that they shouldn't know. One is comfortable with it but she lives in California - a mere 6000 miles away with my little grandson who has met his Granny Michelle several times on Skype. The other is not comfortable with it and now lives 20 miles away with my two granddaughters who have as much chance of meeting Michelle as they have of meeting Father Christmas.

We celebrate 40 years next year (aside from the 2 years off for bad behaviour!) and with impending retirements I am really not sure how it is all going to pan out - I will not purge, nor will I willingly give up Michelle. I don't yet know how/what compromise we will get to but there needs to be one.

I have left once though and I would, potentially, do so again but that could seriously threaten my relationship with the granddaughters. Wht I do know for certain is that I would never embark on a relationship without CDing being out in the open from day 1.

Michelle
xxx

There is a truth in that it evolves for most of us, myself included. But that is part of the trap. That we think what we feel at 20 is how we will feel when we are 50. I thought I could control it, not act on it. take it to my grave.

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Originally Posted by JessM.

As a GG, I don't understand why the conversation here so often centers around "keeping this lifelong secret" or "revealing it."

To me, it makes sense to think of it more as a minor interest which evolves. If it were as intense in one's twenties, one wouldn't be able to hide it so successfully for years and years.

So why treat it as this big unchanging secret, when obviously you have changed to need to CD more, and more openly?

If I were you, I would admit early on to a minor fetish for women's lingerie (or whatever). Then in your 40s or 50s, when the need becomes more demanding, the stage is already set to admit that you find yourself evolving and now you need more. That's no guarantee that she'll be enthusiastic, but then it's not like you were keeping this huge secret from her. It's just that you evolved (which is no one's fault), and you hope to still be compatible enough to stay together.

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Interesting perspective, and I totally understand where you are coming from. My therapist has done a lot of research in the transgender field specifically. She said from her research, a lot of CDs or Trans folks believe they can suppress it for a long time, but the breaking point if I recall, was apparently at 43 years old. Apparently many figure "I can stop" or "I can change" but eventually, that wears off. And that "eventually" in most cases is in the 40's.

Now, I am not there yet, but I have already seen how it is an evolving process. I have learned a lot from this board. I have learned from the mistakes others here have made (or at least I hope I did). I did the early reveal. I told her that it was part of me, and I would never be able to stop long term. I agreed to stop for 2 years, being upfront that it was a temporary solution. But you know what? You're right. Eventually, the need has become more demanding. For me, I am glad it did when I was 28, and not in my 40's.

I honestly believed that I would be content with where I was. Now, I am working with my therapist to try to determine how much I need and where this will take me. And I am realizing that I may never know where this ends. And from what she has said, there is no way to tell where things will end, and that it is different for everybody. And no matter what I think and determine today, it could change when I hit my 40's or 50's anyway.

And right now, that is where I am. I am trying to see how this evolves in the short term, and to see if it is something my girlfriend is able to accept, and then if the long term is even possible from there.

I agree with Melissa -- there is no "One size fits all" here. So much depends on the the individuals involved and how strong your relationship is. I don't know about the "early" versus "late" revelation. In many cases it may not matter -- if your wife / GF is unable to accept, it probably does not matter. Then there are the questions of trust and not being open when we hide it, not to mention our own guilt and angst. Those of us who are fortunate with understanding partners can only try to emphasize with those who are not so lucky. Melissa, I'm echoing you....

I've been married twice. The first time, I told her not long after we were living together. The reveal was made sort of in jest, then when accepted somewhat with further details. Accepted, is a bit of a stretch. She thought it was okay in limited amount, in the way of bedroom games. The second marriage, the reveal came on its own when Tammy's clothing stash was discovered at about six months, into the marriage. The marriage lasted eight months before we separated. Unbeknownst to me she told many people that I was a homosexual. I only found out because, my next girlfriend was smoking hot, causing several of our mutual friends to tell me about what she had said. Each of them would say, that my new girlfriend pretty much ruled that out.

We all may evolve, but not from the same thing to the same thing. And not all of us have a need to crossdress more openly. Those of us that [still] find crossdressing sexually exciting have no need to share it with the world, and certainly not to friends and work associates. We just keep it personal and private.
How and when a reveal happens may help the chances for acceptance/tolerance/support/understanding....but the trap remains. One never knows for sure that the idea of a man crossdressing isn't repulsive to a woman. Some women just can't be with a crossdresser.

I've been biding my time commenting on this topic and wondering really what was the point of the OP in order to address it properly, and I think it distills to the closing paragraph:

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Originally Posted by gendermutt

I am not going to tell anyone what they should do. It is your life to live. I know personally I feel that the earlier the reveal, the better things will be for you and for your partner.

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I'm sure your feelings are honest GM - for your relationship, for you as individuals and your specific circumstances and particularly, the strength of feeling associated with your need and motivation to CD. But I wouldn't want anyone reading this to believe that there aren't any other options. Through two relationships and with children in the second I have never revealed this side of me to either SO in over 35 years... and nor do I see any need to presently.

Perhaps it's related to my need and motivation and how that has developed over time - perhaps I'm fortunate in that I can control 'it' rather than 'it' controlling me... It has developed further over the past few years, but nothing like some of the stories that I've read of here and I can assure you I retain the deepest sympathy for many of those where revealing has been necessary and the relationship has foundered. I can fully appreciate where someone has suffered for decades and cannot bear to repress their feelings any further for fear of the ongoing damage that repression is causing...

But not everyone suffers that much... Perhaps we see a member base here at cd.com that is more biased towards this because we seem to be the only place that does offer a significant amount of moral and practical support to those that need to go through the reveal process - it doesn't mean we all have to, nor that it would be best for everyone to do so. I've done this in one form or another for decades - only recently have I found the opportunity to broadcast this side of me publicly...

Had I wanted to do it for a while? Yes. Do I want to do it again? You bet! But in the right circumstances... Now here, I feel, are the significant differences between me and those of you who need to go further:

Do I need to involve my wife in this? No - I neither need to nor want to...
Do I need to do more than the specific events I want to be involved in? No - I am quite content with the time I have at home, and a few specific events I want to do that are more socially focused - I have no desire or need to go shopping, walk about the neighbourhood, go to coffee shops, underdress...
Do I think I can keep this part of me partitioned for ever...? Probably... I know that there have been long periods when the need to dress even occasionally has gone away for years - how would I feel if I revealed only for the desire to wane again AFTER my relationship went into a terminal nosedive because of that revelation..? Not happy, I think...

I'm putting this up here in this way only because if someone else is reading this who sees some similarity with my behaviour and circumstances, they might realise that the majority of opinion 'that the earlier the reveal, the better things will be..' is not necessarily the only way to approach the future if you are already in a relationship. :)

Katey x

Although I fully intend to go back later and re-read all of the responses in detail, Katey's first rhetorical question resonates with me enough for a quick reply.

Like her, I do not (presently) need nor want to involve my wife in this.

I am a full-time panty wearer (with my wife's full blessing) and my wife knows bits and pieces about previous instances of dressing. She does not, however, know the full extent of my dressing activities. Do I think that she would be comfortable with the _idea_ of it? No way to be 100% certain, but I'd be confident in a 65/35 chance of yes.

The conflict that keeps me fully closeted is my wife's body type and self-image. As I may have alluded to in another thread, my wife and I wear the same size bra (46C). But since we are considerably apart in height (I'm 6', she's 5-4), I actually wear a smaller size dress than she does, even though I am somewhat heavier. Additionally, she is much slighter in skeletal frame than I am, so she carries her weight around her midsection while mine is more evenly distributed top-to-bottom. I know that it is not necessarily healthy to compare ourselves to our wives - and I try not to do that - but I am able to wear almost anything with more ease than she can. (Dainty or sky-high stilettos notwithstanding....)

And one of the drivers for my dressing further complicates the issue, in that I dress in the style of my ideal woman. Because she has always battled her weight, she has never really felt comfortable wearing dresses, and absolutely _HATES_ pantyhose. She's also never really gotten in to makeup. I've only recently been able to help her become confident enough to expand her style to include the occasional workday dress, and I've also been helping her pick out outfits that are moving toward my ideal woman - which may eventually help lessen my desire to dress. (Who knows..)

Would I be excited if she were to tell me tomorrow that she wants to take an active role in my dressing, or at least facilitate my occasional indulgences? Absolutely. I'd be excited beyond belief... But there's NO WAY I would risk the changes in her self-image and the growth in her self-confidence that I've been able to help her achieve so far.

thank you...
i am heading down this road with my partner as we speak.
for me and my relationship, slow steps is the way forward.

but again thank you as this thread is perfect for me right now....

Katey I found your answer interesting in that you can "control" this without the need to reveal. Trust and believe I think many SO's wish they could have remained blindly ignorant to the whole thing. Life was probably much simpler - even for me my anxiety increased as his need to dress expanded. His is fetish based now but I could see it moving on from there and I wasn't sure if I could be OK with him minus his beard, plus wig and a female persona. In fact the beard helped me see past the other stuff....but I digress.

I have to wonder if you didn't have the opportunity you apparently have to fulfill your need would you feel the same? The reason I ask is because I am thinking of the anxiety Teresa is going through right now knowing that her dressing time is going to be substantially limited when her wife retires.

I get that when we marry most of us are too young to know who we are, what we want and what we will and will not tolerate so I can see where denial of the CDer plays arole - thinking they can control it without the SO finding out. But I struggle with those who advocate not revealing before marriage and then can't keep the secret and resent the SO's lack of acceptance. It just seems to scream of a bait and switch. I dunno...I think you have an innate amount of control and can compartmentalize your life very well. If you can do that and be satisfied be grateful. Most people do not have that much control.

I would offer up that timing is NOT everything. In some cases, regardless of rather you told early or late, they just don't like it and don't want any part of it. Ever. Sure, some can be coaxed into adapting to it since over time other dimensions develop in the relationship that may weigh in your favor. It's really up to the person you seek acceptance from to decide if they want this in their life or not. It is difficult, then, to change that conviction.

I was one of the lucky. 7 or so years into the marriage my wife suggested it to me. I think she suspected my proclivity, but she simply thought it was cute. She came into the relationship that way and it was an easy sell.

All that to say it is best to try to find someone who accepts from the beginning. Beyond that, degrees of difficulty and heart ache begin.

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Originally Posted by Katey888

...Through two relationships and with children in the second I have never revealed this side of me to either SO in over 35 years... and nor do I see any need to presently.... - perhaps I'm fortunate in that I can control 'it' rather than 'it' controlling me... ...

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Katey, sharing this part of you with your wife is not related to control or lack there of of cross dressing. It's about honesty. Thats it. I didn't dress often nor do I now. I simply reached the point that I could no longer lie to myself that she was better off not knowing. You can't appreciate it yet, but AFTER you come out, you are a different person.

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Originally Posted by MissTee

I would offer up that timing is NOT everything. In some cases, regardless of rather you told early or late, they just don't like it and don't want any part of it. Ever. ...

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Or they may be able to handle it. And THAT is the chief point. Don't presume it's too late.

The trouble is what if the trap goes off and there is no resetting it?
That is the big unknown.

I would just like to reiterate, as for what Katey has said specifically, that I am not attempting to push anyone into disclosure. For ME, it was the right thing to do. But, for those who don't, haven't, may want to but feel the consequences may be to the point of a break up, it becomes a trap we fall into, or perhaps a trap we literally set up for ourselves and have such a hard time getting out of.

I know that I would survive, and even find times of happiness if I was to quit dressing and any feminine expression. There would be a pretty big void though. And it would be at times quite hard to deal with. I also think of those who have not told, and what many of you must go through, of keeping this part of you a secret from your partners. I remember how I used to feel. How I spent as much if not more time making sure what dressing I did, which was quite minimal was not discovered. I felt paranoid. I felt guilty. It was stressful. I felt it was better to tell her, and if she was to accept, heck, that would give me more time to dress, let alone end all of the guilt, worry and paranoia I was feeling. It has made my dressing a far better experience.

I honestly cannot say for certain what I would do.... but if my wife sat me down without anger, told me she loved me accepted that I have whatever it is inside me that gives me femininity and a desire to dress, but said that she just could not handle anymore dressing, I would likely quit. So I would assume that those who are highly suspecting that a reveal would end the relationship or marriage, then I can't say that I would be revealing either.

I suspected my wife would be able to accept it, in some fashion, and while it can be difficult for her, I was right. Although not exactly as I thought she would accept it. I did feel there was a risk, I was not certain of her acceptance. To help her and to help gain that acceptance, I believe that by falling into the trap, I have caused both her and I much unneeded stress, turmoil and perhaps a feeling of compromise on both our parts that would not have existed had I told her early on.

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Originally Posted by MissTee

I would offer up that timing is NOT everything. In some cases, regardless of rather you told early or late, they just don't like it and don't want any part of it. Ever.

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But that really isn't the point. To me it is a control issue as Katey alluded. It is the CD controlling what the SO knows and thus control their reaction, good or bad. The difference is how much you have invested early (not much) and later (a whole lot). And you keeping your SO from pursuing a life unfettered by YOUR crossdressing. It is selfish to take years and years from a person, and that is what you do by not telling them early, where they could be living with someone who doesn't hold secrets, especially secrets that does effect them on many levels.

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Originally Posted by Andrea DiMattias

Like her, I do not (presently) need nor want to involve my wife in this.

I am a full-time panty wearer (with my wife's full blessing) and my wife knows bits and pieces about previous instances of dressing. She does not, however, know the full extent of my dressing activities.

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I find this contradictory in a sense.... you DO involve her every day if she knows you wear panties. But again, it is a control thing. The CD assumes they know how the SO will react. You don't and IF there is a chance that you will take this to a deeper level she needs to know.

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Originally Posted by SO1Adam12

Katey I found your answer interesting in that you can "control" this without the need to reveal. Trust and believe I think many SO's wish they could have remained blindly ignorant to the whole thing.

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I agree. There are things that when revealed later in life you wish you didn't know. I had this with my GF. I thought I knew her even without knowing the details of her life before me. I was content to think that what happened before me wasn't going to effect me in any way. Yet when the secret was revealed I was angry (and no one to focus that on) and felt betrayed. I hurt because she didn't, for whatever reason...lets just say she had it under control, trust me enough to allow me to decide if I wanted to stay or not. I would like to believe I would have handled it and although it would have been a "elephant" in the room, it would not have changed my feelings for her. Three years later that is true. I still love her but there was a time when I didn't like what she did to me.

You see most of the CDs here will never have to go through that. They won't have to find out a "secret" their spouse is hiding. They won't ever have to feel how it is to be betrayed and not trusted. Yes most the time, as with many of the CDs here, whatever that secret is won't rise up...until it is too late. The knock on the door from a child you didn't know they had. Or ever worse from a spouse they still have but didn't tell you about. Maybe the police show up about being here illegally? They won't know until it happens and YOU aren't the one who gets to control that reveal. we frequently get threads about "what happens if I die and my SO finds my stuff?" and one of the most selfish and inane answers is "I don't care, I won't be there". Selfish yes because basically you are saying her (or his) feelings really matter less than yours. As long as you are happy, and in control, then all is well in the world.

But I can repeat this three times a year like I do and still those who feel they have it all in their control won't listen. And thankfully, they won't have to suffer the same lack of respect from their SO. Personally, I see marriage as a partnership, equal in every manner, where secrets that may effect the spouse in ANY way needs to be put on the table. I married adult women, women who had minds of their own. I let them make that decision...isn't that what is fair? Isn't that what you would want them to do for you?

I just wasted space and time for 80% of the people who read this thread.

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Originally Posted by Lorileah

I find this contradictory in a sense.... you DO involve her every day if she knows you wear panties. But again, it is a control thing.

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I have actually contemplated this a bit, and can see the potential contradiction. However, even as the sexual connection to them has waxed and waned, my choice of underwear has not wavered. I would never go back to wearing traditional male underwear, as both the waistband and the open fly are uncomfortable to me.

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The CD assumes they know how the SO will react. You don't and IF there is a chance that you will take this to a deeper level she needs to know.

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I fully accept that I don't know how she will react. Indeed, it's a concern for me tomorrow as we are going shopping as a family, and one of the stops is Torrid so that my wife can return a top she purchased online. The same Torrid where I've taken long lunches to try on dresses, and the same Torrid where the manager actively complimented me on my legs. I did not have the opportunity to get out there earlier this week and confirm the discretion of the SAs, so I'm praying for the best and running through scenarios in my head of how to respond.

What I _DO_ know is that this habit will go no deeper for me. I'm completely satisfied as an occasional dresser, and harbor no thoughts or questions about my gender identity. Will I eventually tell my wife? Without a doubt I will. But with all of the other stressors in our life right now, it's not the right time. I accept that it is somewhat unfair (although I do work to offset that in other areas of our relationship) but it would be even more unfair to reveal this secret at this time.