Living a double life - how do you manage?

Jessicaa,

I have been transgendered all of my life and I'm closer to sixty than fifty. One of my biggest regrets is not expressing who I am because of what other people might think. I have battled with the whys and guilt and fear of discovery. Then I saw a girl on youtube describe why she dresses as a woman in four words: "It makes me happy". You'll never be younger than you are today, do what makes you happy. Remember this quote attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt, “You wouldn't worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.”

I understand ,for me I do live the double life but slow it is breaking down the more I get comfortable in myself,they way I see it ,I am fem on the inside still but male out,saying this the more fem I go the less people notice or comment,all I can say I take the time and in the end you will be comfortable in yourself

There are plenty of excuses for shaving your legs, I was able to convince most of my guy friends that as I looked good why not take up the art of dresing like a woman.
Yep, they swallowed it and I made another girl when we were short for pairing off.

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Originally Posted by Jessicaa

the struggle I've been facing lately is how to balance this. I don't feel like I will ever be able to fully express my femininity and also outwardly be a man in my normal everyday life. A big part of the problem for me is that I feel like I could be passable "en femme" but I worry about the ridicule that might come from things like shaving my legs (especially now that it's spring) and shopping in public for women's clothing.

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My SO has mid-back length hair. He keeps it tied at the nape in a ponytail when not dressed. He works in an academic environment and a lot of men there have long hair tied at the nape, so his hair does not raise any questions.

My SO also maintains shaved legs and has long fingernails. I don't know what people think about this, only a few people have commented on his nails, but for the most part people keep their opinions to themselves. I seriously doubt they connect the shaved legs and the long nails to the CDing (unless they already know about it). Maybe they think my SO is gay. Who knows. And no, there is no ridicule. Most people may just explain it away to themselves as my SO being quirky.

As to the shopping, my SO buys most of his clothes online. I think he has on a few occasions shopped in guy mode, but he doesn't do it frequently so I'm guessing it feels awkward. Also, it doesn't do any good to try them on for fit in guy mode, without the forms and padding. My SO might, while dressed, shop for women's clothing but she goes to the next town over when dressed and really, there is no difference between going to the mall or a restaurant. People will come to their own conclusions and the vast majority will keep their opinions to themselves.

What possible excuses can one have for shaving legs? Thanks

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Originally Posted by Lovepink

What possible excuses can one have for shaving legs? Thanks

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Lice infestation. Shuts down the questions quick. ;) j/k -- I've never had anyone ask about my shaved legs. Never.

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Originally Posted by Jessicaa

I don't feel like I will ever be able to fully express my femininity and also outwardly be a man in my normal everyday life.

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I often wonder about how many others here feel this way, that they have to put some part of their feelings on display to the public. I've never felt the need to 'express my femininity' to anyone else. Maybe because I never felt it was my 'femininity', as if for example of contrast, I could 'express my masculinity' by winning an pugilistic competition or imposing my will on others or something like that.
It's not my 'femininity'. It's just who I am all the time.

Hi Jessica,

For me balance only came after I accepted who I was and who I needed to be. For me (and I state for the record me, as it is different for everyone) when I reached a point where I became emotionally crippled and could not contain/hide/suppress or beat down this part of me anymore, I decided to go "all in" and come out not only to my wife but family, friends and workers. This has allowed me the latitude to express myself without worry of accidently being outed. However, accepting oneself is not contingent upon standing on the highest hill and shouting "I am TG so accept me" it is contingent on accepting yourself in whatever guise/manner you see fit so long as you are happy. Be that in the "closet" in a DADT relationship or out to the world. Once you achieve that, you have the foundation for balance in your life.

Hugs

Isha