Printable View
Prior to medical transition, I depended on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications that I phased out afterwards with no trouble. My sense of smell seems way more sensitive than before, and I had some minor hot flashes a few months into HRT. In order to have surgery recently, I was asked to reduce my HRT for a month, which certainly affected my mood and tested my BFF's patience! It seems like my brain was hard-wired for this stuff, or could that just be me feeling happier?
I didn't say the world became bright and cheery. I stopped having anxiety and panic attacks, and mental breakdowns. These were not subtle - and the other medications I'd taken for months really quite literally did nothing. So you'd think if I was going to get a placebo effect, I'd have gotten it from them. My primary care physician, who prescribed the anti-anxiety /anti-depressants actually got to watch me break down in his office before he started me on anything. The medications he gave me made me sleepy, but otherwise, while I was awake, I still had panic attacks, severe depression, suicidal ideation. Really, the only thing that slowed any of that down was Xanax, which mostly just knocked me out. I still felt horrible when I awoke. (I also only used that particularly medication when things were really bad, because it's addictive, and I really couldn't function on it.)Quote:
Originally Posted by Lorileah
Once I started HRT, the effects on me were quite obvious within a couple of months. My PCP was quite surprised by how much better I was doing once he saw me after I'd started HRT. And no, it's ridiculous to think hormones are an anti-depressant by themselves. Pumping someone full of the wrong hormones for a long time is quite a different matter - which is what happens to us, unlike cis women. Apparently this didn't agree with me well. Some people tolerate it better than others, it would seem.
Look, by the time I'd been on HRT for a couple of months, I had plenty to be depressed about. I was fulltime, but I didn't pass well, I was alone - my marriage effectively over, my wife called me regularly to complain about how awful I'd made her life. I owned a car, a cat, and some 20 year old furniture. Despite all of that, I felt a whole lot better. I wasn't suicidal. I can't exactly say I was happy - I really wasn't, at least not yet. But death didn't seem like the best idea at the time anymore.
BTW, over time, the effects of HRT on me in terms of preventing erections has reduced. As this has happened, the nightmares I have about my genitals have increased. This is making me feel kind of awful sometimes. At times, I think I could probably have penetrative sex, although this is an absolutely ghastly thought to me. This is a relatively new, and unwelcome thing, and the old feelings from two years ago are to some extent coming back. I don't sleep much, because of this. I don't know how this is even possible - my T level is 6. It is absolutely horrible, though. I'll be glad when that goddamned thing is gone. At this point, I don't even actually care if my GRS works particularly well. I just want all this to end. (I'm not saying I want things to go badly, or that I expect this. I'm just saying that if it eliminates that horrible feeling of having an erection, I expect I'll feel better enough that whatever problems I might encounter will be worth it.)
It's fine for you to decide "Well, I didn't experience this, so it must not be real!" Cool. I'm happy for you. I'm glad you didn't feel the things I did. I wouldn't wish what I'd felt on a convicted terrorist.
Thank you for sharing that, Paula. I'm sorry that things are becoming more difficult again. :(
I never had to go through anything anywhere close to what you were suffering through, but I can relate in some ways to your feelings of immediate relief. I don't really attribute any of my perceived mental/emotional changes to estrogen, but the effects of dramatically reducing my testosterone came on quickly (within a few weeks) and were very noticeable to me. I would struggle to articulate it beyond having a significantly improved sense of well-being. It could be placebo, but there was such a clear (and not immediately occurring) line of demarcation as my levels adjusted that I'm dubious. There have been other changes too - like the fact that I'm now fairly convinced that testosterone actually acts as liquid courage/stupidity - but those are far less important.
Estrogen is doing me favors physically, but getting rid of the testosterone was the really big win for me.
@ Robin. I hope I'm not going to sound like a doctor here. There isn't any studies on the psychological effect of hormones that I know of but I agree with the changes being subtle at first. It is possible that our own expectations going into it may contribute to that "placebo effect". The "disconnect" we all felt is relieved by finally getting the proper hormones, at least that is documented. For me it was like I always had a dark cloud over my head until the hormones kicked in.
BTW I went off hormones for about a month when I was broke and the GD starting coming back. My wife was ready to throw me out of the house. :)
I know this. About a year after hrt started I became miserable.
I went to the dr because I "knew" in my gut that my hormones were the issue and sure enough I had a super low e level because the cream I used was not absorbing correctly or perhaps I was using it incorrectly. Either way I definitely felt the estrogen drift down.
Hormonal imbalances are "felt" for sure, just like being "fueled" by the wrong hormones will be. I just don't believe that hormones will make someone other than what they are already (i.e. girly or womanly). I hear a lot of people complaining around me all the time about being more afraid or more tired "than before." It's funny, I feel way better and more in control than when my system was fueled by testosterone. I am starting to wonder about motivations for transition. It almost seems like some people don't want to be men, while not necessarily being females. (The juxtaposition of the words men and female is deliberate.) This distinction is not super important, though. Because, there is nothing wrong with a male adopting the social construct of "woman" if he/she perfers to live that way. Just as wether someone is XXY or not is not relevent to a post-op. What are you gonna do? Put it back?
Lea, my day job consists in reading and writing thousands of words every day. I don't care to read or write long posts on Web forums. Your remark made me laugh out loud, though. Thank you for noticing.
I guess I'm one of the few who found instant relief with the start of HRT. I expected nothing for weeks as I heard that it often takes time to ramp up in the body. Within about 2 hours, 43 years of depression melted from my eyes, it was the most awesome moment of my life! I sat in my car in front of the pizza place waiting for them to cook a pizza to take home to the family, and I cried because it was the first time I could feel my emotions! I cried all the way home with sheer joy. From there, the rocket-like progress continued.
It was amazing how leveled I felt. A whole new world opened up to discover: mine. One that I never knew existed...filled with the depth and texture of emotions, feelings, and sensibilities I never knew could be possible. Suddenly, I found me. But that was day 1. Every day since then has been finding out more about this woman that's been buried beneath a 200 pound blanket of fear, doubt, anxiety, etc.
No placebo effect here, it changed my life, for the better.
My mannerisms didn't change, those took time to unearth. I already a had a few mannerisms that were feminine, and I was berated by the wife over the years for having them. But suddenly, I lost fear and started beholding her...her is the real me on the inside...and didn't care what others thought. Suddenly, I felt more at peace with myself. Then starting to present as the real me was the obvious piece that was missing of this puzzle...the largest piece...a complete calmness in the midst of being myself, no matter what fears I had about the next human encounter. Those mannerisms for me were unearthed and some were learned. It's a process...
In terms of becoming more feminine, I think HRT calmed me down enough so that I could better learn feminine behaviors, and it coupled with going fulltime definitely made it easier to slough off the old shell of male behavior I had. But unlike some, feminine speech, body language, those kinds of things don't come especially naturally to me. I've worked on my voice for 18 months now, and am only just starting to be comfortable with it - and I could still use some work on it. Mannerisms and communications style are a bit easier, but I've had to consciously study how other women behave.
I still have a fair amount of masculinity in my personality. I doubt I'll be rid of all of it. It does serve a purpose at times, though.
Anyway, if the OP wants to know if taking hormones makes you instantly into a girly-girl, my opinion is that it doesn't, and that the really feminine trans women I know seemed to be very often quite feminine before HRT. For me all of the more feminine things I express have been learned. I will say that as I've started doing them, they've felt right, or I wouldn't keep doing them. But no, HRT didn't seem to make any of that easier, other than without it, I wouldn't have been in shape to do them at all.
I was happy day 1 too that's the placebo effect just taking control of your own life is super powerful
as transition goes on and years go by I find femininity and masculinity blur and im just free to be whatever ....
I am 2.5 years on HRT. As far as feeling better that happened about 2 weeks after starting HRT and hasn't gone away. I am far less emotional now then I was before, I kinda wish that wasn't so. I think it has to do with feeling better about ME. I am no longer on the precipice of deep depression and or sadness. Consequently it takes me longer to get to a sad place because I am starting from a point further away from it. All I can say it I am now free to be ME and let everyone know and see me for what I truly am.
Paula I am sorry to hear about your recent struggles as we all know this has been a difficult enough road for you. I wish you nothing but happiness going forward.
Gosh, that's a loaded question.
HRT changes many things all at once. It's almost impossible to distinguish what is the hormones, what is "Placebo effect", and what is just finally being able to live authentically and knowing that I was really going to change.
Medically, the Androgen blockers do impact your biology in some dramatic and positive ways. When I told my heart doctor and neurologist that I was taking spiro and how much, they took me off of all of my other medications, because I didn't need them any more. Prior to spiro I was on medication to slow my heart and medication to lower my blood pressure, and medication to deal with migraines. Spiro is recommended to lower blood pressure and stabilize heart rate, and it also reduces migraines. It seems to do some wonderful things. It also shrank my prostate (along with everything else :-D)
Estrogen has some obvious medical benefits as well. Not only does it give you breasts, but it also smooths your skin, changes your weight distribution on face, neck, belly, and butt. Over time, there is less "white fat" near the belly and heart, and more "dark fat" on the hips and thighs. It also does make you more emotional, but not just crying because you are in pain or sad, but because you are happy, because you are inspired, or just because you are present to your love for someone. These are feelings and emotions that are a natural part of being a mother, raising children, and loving someone who can love and protect you.
The combination can also result in fewer outbursts of temper, you aren't as angry as often. Testosterone in mammals makes them want to reproduce, but it also prepares them for the battles or contests that could give them access to breeding rights. Humans even today often have to engage in competitions such as sports, fights, or arguments in order to win the respect of both peers and potential mates. It's something that occurs naturally in cis-gender alpha males starting at around 18 months to 2 years - when kids begin to socialize with other children. Boys will "posture", pushing each other, taking each other's toys, wrestling, rough-housing, and little competitions like who can run fastest or jump furthest. Many transgender boys have androgen insensitivity and don't have those instincts. The result is that alpha males will see the weakness and exploit it. They will take the transgender boy's toys, they will push him into the corner until he screams or lashes out in blind panic - fighting for her life - like a girl would. When they get older, they will "bird dog" the transgender boy - any girl who appears interested in him will immediately be propositioned by the alpha males - who see her as confused and in need of a "real man".
Not all a bed or roses though. Weight comes on easier, and comes off harder. A man can eat much more food and even if it looks like he's not moving at all, he will metabolize food differently, and his body is better equipped to take from the belly store in times of famine or diet. The woman's metabolic rate is lower, and the dark fat takes longer to convert to energy - conservation of energy for mothers who are pregnant or nursing. This may be because in times of famine or siege women got smaller rations than the men who had to be ready to fight effectively when the attack finally came.
Of course while all that medical stuff is going on - the expectations based on gender are changing. Men are expected to be loud and argumentative and to jostle for power in different arenas, but they aren't supposed to cry, to pout, to express feelings that could give a rival an advantage. Women on the other hand are encouraged to share their feelings, to process their feelings by talking them out. They don't have to rescue or fix other's problems, just listen.
I always liked romantic comedies, romances, and dramas more than slapstick comedy and "Action" movies. The difference was that before, I had to try and hide the tears and not let on that I was emotionally moved - because men don't cry. As a woman, it's not so unusual to be in a movie, start crying, and start laughing with the other women as we realize who swept away we were emotionally - and how much FUN it was.
Of course, in a business meeting, talking louder, yelling, and being argumentative as a woman can get you labeled as a "Bitch", which isn't always a bad thing, but there are other strategies that can be far more effective and far more powerful. Feminine power is different than how men do it, but often far more effective if you have been a transgender woman all your life and are only now able to live authentically. Flirting, acting submissive then going for the kill, or sweetly correcting the 20 errors and answering the 15 questions you have noted during the meeting when the boys finally decide to "let the little lady talk now" - and suddenly jaws drop, heads start nodding, and what may have been adversarial before turns into collaboration. Very powerful once you really understand it.