A sad story

I'm just gonna say this .
My husband of 15 years is a dresser deluxe from the Netherlands ..most people here know me even if they don' t speak to me due to his shenanigan's. He comes complete with a dutch ex wife from hell and several female cousins and sisters n law from hell too . They are all from Vlissingen - Breskens / Hooftplaat originally . I live d there too .I know how they can be . I am American and I think part of the reasons for the crazy things he does WHILE dressing is due to the abuse from these people when they found out . This includes public outing and humiliation. He will probably never go back . I am sorry . I have been on the receiving end of a Dutch woman's coldness myself and there is nothing like it .

Vala is correct , when a dutch woman says it's over.. it's OVER. NO If, and's or buts . Get a lawyer Vala and make sure you have a little cash handy , you know how they are with the women in a divorce situation there .

Vala,

Quote:

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Vala: I do agree with your first paragraph. She doesn't argue with me and I don't with her also she doesn't blame me and I don't blame her.
But after the first paragraph I have to disagree, I am really sorry for that. I really am unable to see where priorities come in. My marriage is the most important thing to me besides my kids, but choosing to stop cross dressing would make me miserable. So even if I would choose to stop than in the long run my life and marriage wouldn't get better because of it. And when it comes to my wife, well she has been trying to accept it for almost a year and she feels miserable about time after time, and that’s the whole reason we got to this point.

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:-) I was pointing out that you can chose to try and suppress your dressing need to stay with your family, AND I also said that your wife agreed to the "In sickness or health" paragraph, meaning that if there is something related to your well being, which you have no control over, she promised to put her own wants and desires aside to support you. You can disagree with one of those concepts, but not really with both of them. Maybe I wasn't clear.

What I mean by priorities and by choice is that this is an unsolvable dilemma. One of you, or possibly both of you, will have to do something you dont want to. You have to chose a path through this and you will base your choice on what matters the most to you. Call that priorities or call it something else.
I fully understand that you feel that if you are not able to dress anymore, it will make you miserable. But I assume, or at least I hope, that the thought of loosing your family and possibly never seeing your children again, would also make you miserable! Yes??
If not, then I suppose your choice will be easy.

I was presented with the same choice years ago. For a long time we tried to find a balance where it was acceptable to both of us. My wife tried really hard to first accept, later to at least tolerate, that I needed this. But after years of this, things inside of her started to just break apart. As much as she wanted to change herself to honor the "In sickness and in health" thing, she just could not. The thought of it just made her miserable.

When I finally got out of my self petty and started to notice the effect this had on her, I realized that as much as I wanted it, I could not have it all. I also, eventually, realized that if I could manage to suppress my dressing needs, I could in fact have everything else.
The final straw for me was when she quietly decided that she could not live with the situation. Not a matter of deciding that she just wanted out and get a fresh start with someone else, no, she could not live with it .......

So, do I not miss it? Do I not think about it? Do I not feel tempted to do it again? Yes, I absolutely do, sometimes often, sometimes not as much. Just like most others report, sometimes the urge is strong, sometimes not as much. But I have chosen not to act on it!

Marriage is a two way street, it is give and take and it is about thinking more about your partner than you think about your own needs. There are some limits in there too, I agree. It is not black or white and the world is changing. I personally disagree with the trend of Me First, which I see all around me, and I try to live a life of looking out for others first, and then myself. That goes for my wife, for my children and for my neighbors too.
It was not easy at all, and it is a struggle I have to work with all the time, but I found that when my wife gave up trying to change herself, I somehow found the strength to change my behavior, and through that, I am able to live up to my own promise of "In sickness and in health".

- Suzie

Vala hon, yes it is a sad story and I am crying. Happy endins are real for so many of us, my relationship with my wife is blossoming into something I didn't belive it could.
Please don't think I am saying that to rub your nose in it because I am not and I am feeling your pain. My wife is bi and I think that because she only came out to me a few months ago she understands more than a straight lady would. Not sure.

Back to you, please try get your wife to come here, if you could get her to read some of the post it might help her to open her mind up to the fact that you are you no matter what clothes you wear.

You could be right, there might not be a happy ending for you with your wife but please don't give up on your relationship or on yourself.

A relationship ending is so sad for all involved but when one door closes another one opens. The world is full to the top with women who haveno problem with our choices, a lot of women look for cders like us for many reasons, a new girly best triend, some extra fun in the bedroom or simply because its nice to have a man intouch with their fem side. Many many more reasons but that's just a few.

For a bi lady its like the holy grail, it helps tick both boxes. It gives them fun with a man or a women when or what ever mood takes them.
I know many here would agree but many would disagree. The bad side for you is bad but the up side could be just what you might also need. Why hide the real full you and why stay in a relationship where you are being judged and convicted by the one person who should support you.

Relationships end everyday and for many more reasons than cding.. I have been cheated on by girls that stole my heart and I am so happy they did because I was sent an angel, it didn't feel like that when they cheated but it realy does now.

If you wish to chat in private feel free to pm me, if you just want an ear to bend then I am here for you hon.
If you would like to talk to a women who is with a cder then my wife said pm me and she will be here for your.

Love for you and your so in this hard and blinding time mwah mwah.

Anton jon

When my wife and I divorced in 2005, it was after 30+ years of marriage and three kids, and we had spent the previous several years trying to make it work. because we loved each other and we had our family in common. But as we worked through it all, with a counsellor and then a divorce mediator, it became clear to us both that my need to dress was just the showiest issue in a long list, and in the end we were each just done with the other's stuff.

It hurt so bad I thought I would kill myself, but I turned my attention to liquidating our assets to finance the divorce, then to rebuilding and reshaping my business in ways that suited me better, I moved a hundred miles away (next door in these parts), and decided that the only way to justify such a loss was to get clear on what I wanted and go for it. I decided I could be socially out in my new city, and began dressing two or three days a week. The new friends I met, either met me en femme in the first place or else shortly thereafter.

Well in 2010 I remarried, to a wonderful woman who finds my dressing to be fun, so shopping and dressing up and going out are among the things we both truly enjoy doing together. Every day together is a joy and a pleasure, we each accept the other and have from Day 1.

What I want to say is, Most people on this site feel your pain and loss, but we look at it through our own similar experiences, and mine is like Anton Jon's, when doors close, new doors open. it is very good that you and your wife still love one another and bear no ill will, that will help you through the difficult days ahead.

And yes, as she says in the post above, the world is full of lovely women who will be more than Ok with a good-hearted and earnest cross-dressing man. but they can't find us by chance alone, we have to reveal ourselves.

V:

Sad to hear about your situation. It is very difficult to finally realize that a relationship cannot be fixed no matter what you do. All I can say is that you are not the first and unfortunately you won't be the last. There are many here who have been in similar situations. As they can attest, it is survivable, but that's not to say that it is easy.

I've been through the divorce part, although it wasn't related to dressing. That came afterwards. But, we came to the same conclusion: the relationship was broken beyond repair. However, that doesn't make it any less painful.

Good Luck,

DeeAnn

So sorry to hear. I have no good advice, just sympathy. When I first came out to my wife, she threatened divorce, and it nearly devastated me. I can only imagine how you feel now.

Hi. And sorry for your rough time. Yes, through no fault of either our own, or theirs, the issue of cross dressing and or Transgender ism is one that just doesn't always work out.

It did sound like she made an attempt. You also have kept your dressing more or less away from her. Even with dadt marriages, at some point they will see "something" Very little perhaps, but still some sort of remnant of it.

There are many women who are wired in a way where anything other than 100% masculine cisgender male is something they just can't cope with. It isn't their fault anymore than you being a cder is.

Yes, society issues, judgemental friends and family, deeply held spiritual beliefs can and do play a big part in acceptance. But so does simply being a heterosexual woman as well. Now, there are many gg's here who are hetero 100% and stick by their crossdressing partners. For nearly all of them, it can be quite a struggle. They have to get by all of society and judgmental issues, as well as dealing with a sexuality challenge. For a good number of women, it is a task too great, even if they are willing to try.

For many cders, complete repression is also a task too great. Many of us including yours truly have tried and tried complete repression. The end result can be disastrous. With complete repression as you said, you are too distressed to make a husband worth being married to, in what words you wrote, but basically it is what it becomes.

So, just like so many other marriages that end due to irreconcilable differences, so too it is with cders and the wives who just can't.

In the end, you are better off being at peace within yourself. She is better off without trying and failing to accept something she just can't.

50% of all marriages end in divorce. If cding was the only reason a marriage ever ends, then feel free to beat yourself up forever for getting involved in the 1st place.

In time, when the dust settles, the emotions get less frantic, you may find a woman who can accept you as you are. She may never prefer it, like it, or want much to do with it. If you show this new woman the same honor and respect you showed your current eife, she may very well be able to handle it and go on to have a fulfilling relationship with you.

My first wife and I were together 16 years and had two kids and I trusted her with my life too but got played for the patsy in the end.
My second wife and I were together 6 years and she started sleeping around with male friends and would leave for months at a time claiming she was with a GF helping her with her Mom.
Still legally married to #2 but she walked out in 2006 and played me to the max.
You can trust her all you want but in situations like this everybody knows whats going on before the man does.
Sorry you are going thru this and yes it sucks but don't go easy on her because she is the one wanting out make her earn it.

While Traci may very well be correct, I don't think it's an absolute that the wife is or has been cheating. My wife will visit her sister, and a cousin and sometimes will do overnights. The driving would make it a real pain in the ass to come home. Can I be 100% certain? ? Can anyone ever? All I know is my wife is accessible at any time and I say hi to the people who she says she is going to be with. If she is cheating around all that, she is working stupid hard to do it. Far greater one would think than is worth it all....

Hope is etched into the bottom of the box . sometimes hard to see it . keep this hope for yourself . you can't know what your wife will feel or do from this point on . you have to keep repeating to yourself that you will survive and thrive through this .

I went through a similar experience that ended in a long drawn out 3 year divorce. . my story is somewhat along the lines of what Tracii G. describes . its very painful , and it was very humiliating . My exwife outed me to dozens of people that were close to me including her and my own family .
it was unthinkable . i can't describe in enough words how bad it felt . but here I am . and in so many ways i am happier now having survived it all.
The whole thing forced me to confront myself about so many things about myself , the crossdressing /and gender self image somewhere at the top of the list .

I spent a year in mourning . and waiting for her to tell me to come back to her . She never changed her mind . She didn't want to return to our marriage . After all of this , I still loved her with out end . I knew it was over . and i realized that i needed to start looking at the idea that it was an opportunity to develop myself in ways that i had kept so hidden and suppressed .

things will get better for you even if its not the course you expected to take .
be hopeful



.

I felt for you.

But I want to say, no worries. Things will sort out themselves. What is not yours will not be yours. What is yours can not be gone. So take it easy, sister. Enjoy life.

Problems will be sort by itself, just give it little time.

i think suzie also speaks for me ..... my wife and i are coping (she is trying very very hard and i am easing up)...i know we can make the relationship last but it will take work on both sides...we love each other and that matters most....

i am hoping that is your case, if it is the case - in the words of other responses...fight for her...even if it means reducing or eliminating for awhile your dressing.....

consider perhaps things will change over time....there is a long story to support this but too long for here

regardless...be the better person and you have my support either way

jennifer

Again i would like to thank you all for reading my thread and i will try to respond to all of your posts.

daphne_L:
thanks for being the living proof here that not everyone is evil by nature. And we will keep to follow the path we are walking and it is working fine.
I will always love my kids, me wife will be my best friend for life but loving myself, hmmm that ain't my style.

BLUE ORCHID:
Nah there is no need for that.

Joyce P.:
like I said before my profile says in 32, I don't know if you consider that young or not :) and if I will will find someone new or not is a good question. That only time can tell.

Robin414:
well I wont be killing any animal for fun or sport, I'm not the violent type of person (insects excluded, ewww spiders).
And I won't be leaving the premises, but on the contrary it's more likely that in time my wife will leave.

Docrobbysherry:
I don't have to try and fill my head with the illusion that we will get back together ever again. Cause my cross dressing will not get less but probably more and the chance that my wife will change her mind is something like 1 in a google
I already know that this will be for the although I wish it wasn't so.

Dutchess:
I know how the average dutch girl or people in general are but I really ain't afraid that the situation I'm in will turn out horrible for me.

Suzie Petersen:
well what can I say. That you where able to change yourself, be happy with your self and have a happy marriage than that's great. But in my case that won't work. Yes we will be breaking the promise we made for country officials but we won't be breaking the promise we made to each other, and that is that is that we will we make each other happy.
What matter most to us is that we both are happy and the path is a divorce unfortunately. Sometimes if you truly love some one you have to let him/her go. And I don't have to be afraid that I won't see my kids any more, cause like I said before my wife ain't evil.

anton jon:
I'm no specials, but it could be very true that a bisexual wife helps when it comes to acceptance, to bad my wife is 100% straight.
There is no need anymore to try and get my wife here. The roller coaster ride we have entered has started and will not got in reverse.

Jackie7:
thank you very much for the support. I will see what time has to offer.

Flatlander_48:
Thank you for the support.
JamieG:
advise isn't always necessary, speaking your heart and mind and receiving a little sympathy is often the only thing we humans need.

Gendermutt:
Yes she really tried her best and blamed her self the last few days for not being able to married to me anymore.

Tracii G:
I will see in time if my trust gets broken or not.

Gendermutt:
well I haven't said it before but me and my wife did some partner switching in the past so if she really wanted to be intimate with some one else than she knows I wouldn't really mind cause I'm extremely Non-monogamist.

barbara gordon:
when I talked about hope I only talked about my marriage not hope in general :)

LeslieSD:
thank you, I will take it as easy as I possible can. It is already is getting better with the start of every new day.

Jigna:
well most problems do need some sort of solution.

Jenniferinsf:
We were coping with it but unfortunately that wasn't the solution. And we do love each other that's the reason that our divorce is happening.
I'm afraid you didn't get every line of text, cause I can't fight for my marriage anymore.

So sorry for your pain. Yes time does heal but it is slow and painful. Wish I had super advice. I do count myself as a spiritual person and a non traditional Christian. I would say to pray and ask for strength and guidance. Contrary to what the bible thumpers say, Jesus loves all of us. Pray for strength and if you want to save the marriage then pray for restoration. Miracles do happen.

I'm truly sorry for your loss. they say when one door closes another one opens..keep your head up high and believe in your self and in God. Things are never done till there is no breathe left in ones body. With each day comes a new breathe .What we do with that breath is up to each of us.. You may decide to give up the side of you that you have came to love . Everday in life there are choices we have to make some are selfish some are giving . The whole key to life is accepting one for who they are ,Tho difficult it may be its the true person who is inside that really matters.I'm a cder maybe not the prettiest and deffinately not very passable atleast I don't see it in the mirror but when I look in the mirror I see a loving caring sweet person. And you need to look deep into the mirror and you will see the true person there . I wish everyone could look past the outer wear and see the person that is truly there with in. And if you want to know the truth when one looks deep into it there is no male or female in there it is only a true person. I don't know if any of that makes sense to you .Maybe she will see in the mirror after a little bit of time away and no longer see a male or female but only see you the person she really loved ..I will pray you find your happiness again..